MY first suggestion is to avoid the phrase 'no Mary Sues' because Mary Sue is a subjective term, what is Sue to the reader may not be Sue to the reader so let them decide for themselves. Instead perhaps make a summary that tells something about the story, a blurb about the story like the one you find on the back of a dvd rather then an AN from you to the reader.

An excellent intro, good vocabulary and imagery. I can see it although I can't imagine a place that rains every night to be called a desert. Kind of the defining thing about a desert, little rain.

The way you set up your fic is good, and also laying way for the plot already. I particuarly like the 'with no one left to fear we began to fear each other.' A very human state of mind. Dialogue feels a bit scripty but I'd have to see more to be sure. It feels fairly natural though. The characters blood limit is a good one, no ridiculous cliches of wings or unbeatable power or the like.

A good start, but more will tell.

G'day Darkleaf, let's have a look at your fanfiction!
First my compliments on your summary. Good onya for actually taking the time to write a coherant summary that actually drew me in. I actually had to turn four pages of the Just In section to find one. It's intriguing, with proper spelling and grammar. The title, while a bit too ambiguous to begin with may reveal itself later. I know what Ryuu means but am in the dark about Kurobushi.

Now for the prologue, and I'm not let down. Good chunky paragraphs I don't often see in OC fanfiction, bravo. Your descriptions are good but the scene flows a little to hastily for me to invest emotion in it, ala, I'm not feeling anything when his father died and an author should aim to provoke the same emotion's the character feels in the reader.

How can this be done? Well, 'slow down' the scene with more descriptions building up for the moment. In this case... Bam, we're training, bam, it's a few days later, bam, his father is dead in a matter of three paragraphs. Haste makes waste, and admittedly taking the time to flesh out these scenes is a test of your patience rather than the readers, but so worth it I promise you. For example, Perhaps take nine or ten of your lovely, chunky paragraphs to write out training. Take time to introduce Ryuu, what kind of child he was before his fathers death so we have a contrast.What was his home like, his home life, his goals? How old was he? What was his history with his father? What is his relationship with other ninjas, is he apart of Konoha? How does he feel about his father? Why is his father called the Dragon God? Did he look up to him? It may be a pleasant scene the reader enjoys, a happy atmosphere that makes his death all the worse later on because of it. If we know more about the characters, we can care. If we care, we get sucked into the story. We can't do that if we're rushed.

All these questions the reader asks, and an author should aim to answer them in story. Perhaps later down the track if you decide to rewrite you can take these into consideration.

If you do bulk that scene up to ten or so paragraphs, it means you could seperate your Prologue and your first chapter, making the flow neater and will look better to the reader. How a story looks means more than we admit.

Now for paragraphing, this is something I highly suggest you go back through any other chapters with the same problem and fix up. Paragraphs are there for flow, no flow, no go with the reader. The first thing it should do is separate speakers. Every time a new person speaks, start a new line. Again, this makes things neater and more decipherable.

How cool, I don't often come across ANBU OC's, let's see what you can do with it. He definitely has motive. *Chuckles* A girlly fanclub, eh. Again I feel that same sense of haste. I can see you want to get to the exciting bits as quick as possible, but they lose out if you don't build up the scene, atmosphere and back story. Like where he is in Konoha, his place in it, his friends, why the girls like him. Take time and you'll get more positive reviews I promise.

Building up your description and atmosphere also helps your characters stay in-character. Like Deidara, while that is like him it's still a kind of flat representation.

All and all a good first chapter. Few if any spelling mistakes, a bit of work on paragraphing and pacing... I look forward to reading more, but will wait for your permission to review again.
Cheers!

Now onto Chapter 1

Author's Response: thanks man, u can review anytime xD

Utterly agreed with. I'm hoping to encourage a quality over quantity view of reviews back to this community. There's an OC fic called the Lost Soul which I think may be the most perfect example of a working OC I've come across and its starving for the reviews it deserves. I'm reading it and composing a review as I go along but I definitely hope it gets the applause it deserves

Aha! I've been meaning to read and review this for ages! I'll be reviewing what I see as I see it but I suspect you've improved since your first chapter!

We'll start at the top, the title! My compliments on the title, it plays nicely to the themes previously set although I do wonder what Raiu means. Your summary, well spelled and punctuated although it feels more like an extended author’s note then perhaps a book blurb. The blurb style summary is preferred as it stirs more in your reader, a sense of drama, curiosity and excitement which could draw in more readers. Imagine yourself in a cinema and which previews do you prefer. Also banners have a tendency to draw eyes. I have the only banner store at the moment on the TONFA forums but I’d happily give it a burl. Other things that catch my eye about your Summary is your choice of categories and I think adding Naruto Raiu to the OC category could also mean more readers by targeting the people who really want to read OC-fics (meeeee!) All in all, looking good! Onto the chapter itself.

It’s a bit hard to see the difference between the AN’s and the start of the fic, again a banner could come in handy there, but at least perhaps a

Naruto Raiu
Enter Mikko Makato!

Will make the change more distinguishable and set the mood for the coming attraction.

You open the scene with an AN {Scene: Kumogakure Academy Training Grounds}, it’s not the greatest way to start but there are worse ways. I’m also a little confused as you switch between present tense ( A group of twenty chunin are going) and past (Mikko pounded her first). It causes a sense of friction in the readers mind, a sense of *gropes for right word* disturbed flow. It means I can’t concentrate on the actual stoary as I could because I’m being distracted by mistakes. As I realize this is your first chapter and you’ve probably remedied this with experience I recommend when you feel you have the time a rewrite to have consistency throughout your story, the smallest things can put them off, and past tense is a general preference of most readers. I was absently correcting the story, a habit, as I went so if you like I can send you an amended version.

Aside from that your opening is good. It’s a different from the other OC introductions, well described and paints a good picture of a girl fuming silently (except her appearance, I would like a clearer idea of that). What makes me most optimistic is that in a fandom where every Sue and her dog is a chunin by nine years of age, she’s struggling at seventeen. There’s nothing I like better than an underdog! That her parents are successful is an added bonus. Also with the mention of Hishegami I can already see a rich array of personal relationships.

There are some spelling typos, not as many as some fanfiction but the fewer mistakes the better. A typo can embarrassingly change the entire meaning of the sentence. devistate an entire village or class room was desserted are some to begin with. There's also some capitalisation typos- her red kumogakure headband. Most grammar and spellchecks aren't enough and you just can't beat rereading your work or a good beta reader. Perhaps advertising for one in the forums would be worthwhile.

I do see some paragraph inconsistencies, mostly they're not too bad except for a very, very important one. I haven't seen it, at a glance, in further chapters so I'll assume you haven't been told. There are three times you should start a new line. The first is every time there's a new topic- you have that one fairly pat. The second a dramatic line that could be on its own to give emphasis.

The two were in parallel worlds now destined to be apart.

The last is the most important because its a matter of dialogue organization. Every time a new person speaks it is absolutely essential that you start a new line. For example:

"Well, well, if it isn't the manuke," Doro said with a vile grin.
"Outta my way, I've got places to go!" Mikko replied, attempting to march through the threesome.
"Not so fast baka! You're the failure here, not us!" Doro barked back.

When you look at it that way you can clearly see who is speaking, but you can also see the scriptiness of it that can be hidden when the dialogue is cramped up. In cases like that you can always afford a line or two of extra description to get rid of the dialogue intensity.

Now coming to that scene I have a thoughts. The first is the similarities it bares to Naruto, a main character with famous parents, a tryhard with an empathetic sensei supporting and understanding, a sexy transformation jutsu and loves a fastfood hell. These similarities are mirages at the and I'll have to wait 'til I read further (I review as I read) but this has made me alert to a shadowing of the canon. The more original the better, give the reader something new and they'll keep on reading.

The other thing that occurred to me is why a bullies who obviously know and live in contact with Mikko hadn't seen this jutsu before. A short paragraph on the back story of the jutsu, where she learnt it, who from and how long ago would settle that for other doubtful readers.

At the end of the chapter haven't formed many impressions yet but for the Naruto OC fandom its pretty good. If there's ever a rewrite I'd try and find something more gutgrabbing, something amazing, or funny, or desperate to reach out and hook the reader. Close your eyes, sit on the couch and flick on the telly. If you think of every chapter as an episode, something with an introduction, a conflict or problem and a resolution, would you watch this? The character sagging by a window, falls a asleep, meets some bullies with very minor confrontation, a dinner at a restaurant. It's *seesaw's hand*

You could spice it up by making the bully confrontation a little more risky or threatening. Where's an environment where this could happen? Perhaps on a tall stair case, or a bench overlooking a waterfall or cliff face. A push, a kick, rough arm bar or rough handling One shove a little too far? What does she do? Flinging out her arms they scrape over rocks tearing skin and breaking nails. Doro is frozen in astonishment at what he's done and it seems that Mikko is tumbling out of control to be spitted on the jagged rocks below ! That's it, she has no choice, she has to reveal her secret jutsu. Whoooosh! Smoke engulfs her gangly figure and as the boys cough and squint and decide they didn't want to be blamed and run. Just as Mikko's catlike form leaps from the depths to balance effortlessly on a wire fence.... Tada, an adrenaline rush will always catch the readers eye!

What kept me reading was characterisation- an OC that wasn't a powerhouse or a wangstfest, and some excellent prose. The line about parallels was extra good and I look forward to seeing the rivalry between her and her old mate. However these excellent descriptions always seemed to peter out when it came to the dialogue... But since this review is already huge I'll leave that piece of advice 'til the next chapter! Ta, I can't wait to get up to date!

___________________________

Hey mate! Let's have a look. Its too short to really be too certain so I suggest in the future making each chapter at least 1000 words long. That way we have something to read, something to suck us in and really immerse ourselves in.

Also I suggest taking your time to reread your work before you post and find all your spelling and paragraph mistakes, for example, “what’s with everyone this should be capitalised. while “CLEAR BELOW!” should have an exclaimation mark. These kind of things don't look good to a reader and may deter them in the future as it disturbs the flow of the reading. Also remember that for each new speaker to start a new fic.

Otherwise, it looks fairly interesting, if dialogue intensive. I've never read an OC fic set in the Star Village so you have uniqueness on your side. I also like the relationship between the brothers, but because of the lack of description I can't get a clear image in my head. Perhaps describe more, more about the scenery, what Kyro feels, what he sees, hears, his opinions, the families normal routine, history and relationships. Also why throwing kunai in the house. Try to keep a realistic view of things, where would that kunai go, and would his mother appreciate a hole in the wall? I also suggest reading lots of other fanfictions, I recommend Lost Souls, and that will help you improve heaps and quickly!

Cheers mate, welcome to the fandom and keep going. I look forward to the next installment.

Ahh, onto chapter one. A good introductory sentence, a savage statement to draw us in but I think that single line would have more impact as a paragraph in itself.

In the first chapter I can see you have a few problems with paragraphing, but that is easily remedied. What you have at the moment is referred to as 'run-on paragraphing'. Kind what you get when you run a big race and try to speak afterwards. Everything comes out in a lump and it loses some of its meaning.

The first place you need to start a new line is everytime a new person speaks. This can be seen in your second paragraph where Yasu speaks to Asa. 'Konnichiwa Asa-sama.' would be a new paragraph. The next place you can start a new line is to add impact. Things that might have a thoughtful or amazed silence to follow it. Something that will ring out, or spoken softly, a revelation perhaps. These lines also tend to be short and blunt to add impact. "That blind brat will never amount to anything!" Could be a single line on its own and then in line after it could be, rather thant 'shouted one man' but 'The man glared at her, as his shouts continued to echo through the hall.' That single, sharp line will add meaning. The last place for a new line is more difficult distinguish but the most important, everytime a new topic starts. One topic might be Judgement, the next topic would be Yasu herself, thus starting a new paragraph at 'Yasu was the young girls name. The next topic would be her journey, and a new paragraph stated there. *laughs* Do see the irony of how bad the paragraphing is in the paragraph about paragraphs, but I don't want to take up too much room in the review space.

Paragraphing aside, that's some lovely work. I give you full marks for spelling, punctuated (although you may want to put a space after your ellipses (...) will make it neater) 'Those words run through her head' slips into present tense so I suggest in the future to keep a look out for that in the future when you reread.

I love it. It makes you think and nod about human nature. I also like her attitude. I've never been fond of wangsty, selfindulgent OC's with a twagic past and I think the quirk is original that fits well with the other Rookie 9. If you can keep her from taking herself too seriously I think she'll be a character worthwhile.

There's some great description, especially actions and postures such as 'averted her head to crack her neck' paints a great picture in my head. It's a nice scene and its good to see a friend get the spotlight aside from the main character. Asa sounds lovely, although more as a character then her beauty. As I continue to read there is a tad purple prose, but its tolerable. There's also a few words out of context such as 'the wind taciturn' The wind became quiet, the wind stilled? Sometimes plain or simple words can have just as much as the more obscure ones. There is some good use of onomatopeia.

Hmm, the fan weapon is familiar. Try to avoid similarities to canon characters, carve Yasu's own niche. It's use of it as a boomarang is pretty cool though.

Oh, oh dear, random Japanese. My suggestion is to avoid random words and phrases in Japanese. The main reason is it won't work with people who don't have a good grasp of Japanese it's going to go right over their head and it'll lose impact. The second reason is even if we do understand what it means, it disrupts flow and rather then making the fic sound more authentic it gives it a fake, phoney feel, hence why it's derogetory term is 'Fangirl Japanese.'

Okay I'm a bit cynical, I can understandNaruto suddenly offering to take a random girl who clearly has ninja capabilities, but I'm sure Kakashi and Sakura would be more wary. Its generally called dues ex machina, something impossible happening purely to help a character. We also like to see things made difficult for characters as seeing how your character reacts to hazards in conflicts helps bring out their personality.

Now onto the pictures. Pictures and art should accentuate a story, but because your pictures are so big they immediately take the readers eyes away from it. If you like I can help you with that and resize any pictures you send me without losing any detail.

Cheers, a good opening chapter!

Author's Response: WOW, that was a very long review. I thank you. I thought it would be a critical review and hurt my emotions but it didn\'t. For the most part I want to thank you yet again. I need a beta reader from what you told me. I need help with the minor situations and I was wondering since you gave me such a wonderful review, could you possibly help me? I know I need to make those pictures smaller and stuff. So can you help me with this fic possibly. There may in fact be a sequel and you could be my beta reader! ^-^

G'day Matt NoOne let's have a look at your fic Lone Wolf.

Admittedly you don't start off on the right foot. Spelling, particuarly spelling to the unique to the Naruto canon such as gennin should always be spelt correctly. It's a very important gauge as too how much the author cares about their story. If you don't care about the little things its hard to take care of the big things so take the time to go back through your story before you post, reread your work. Not only to pick up spelling, grammar, tense typos but also to see if you can think up better descriptions and more detail second time round.

Still its a good opening. I like the description of his character, particuarly how he always keeps one eye closed. However his personality is a bit to similar to Sasuke's. A reader likes to read something new and different each time they pick up a fic, so try to find a unique personality niche for Yuki to fill.

I do like Aki. I can imagine her sitting there staring at him but some of the details are a bit bland. For example, what was she doing as she stared. Did she just sit there, did she tap her pencil absently or rest her chin in her hands. What about the room around them? What is the lighting like, where is the teacher? What other sounds can she hear or does she notice beyond the teacher's lecture. Taking care to notice the little details of the world makes everything sound more realistic and we can really immerse ourselves completely.

Another thing to notice is the things in brackets. These are kind of like Authors Notes in the middle of the story and they really disturb the flow. If it is a pertinent detail, try and work it in with the rest of the paragraph. For example: -----'Okay, so that constantly closed eye confounded her and she desperately wanted to know just why it was like that, but he was just misunderstood. It was decided, she would talk to him at lunch.---- Fits with the flow of writing a bit more than 'on a sidenote'. Ditto with mentioning her short attention span.

The next tip is about your description. It was fantastic above, the imagery was very clear but once we get to the dialogue, it just dries up. It's called dialogue intensity, and its when you let what the character's saying directing the minds eye of the reader and it can be seen when you use a pattern of 'he said, she asked, he snapped' Try adding something after it, an action coupled with an adverb to add more detail to the reader's movie.

For example. "Can I sit with you?" she asked, beaming brightly and running her fingers through her hair. Yuki glanced up from his desk where his pencil hovered over yesterdays notes about fire jutsu and Aki had to restrain herself from staring rudely at that single closed eye. It made her own want to twitch in sympathy.

See, that paints a lot of things in our head. Don't worry! Practice will help you! The paragraphs above prove you've got the hang of it, you just have to stretch it out for the rest of the story. Perhaps set yourself a goal. 'Everytime I write a line of dialogue, I'll try and write one and a half lines of detail to back it up'. It'll also add some word length to your chapters which will draw in more readers.

All in all, a great start, good vocabulary and intersting characters. Keep going!

Author's Response: Wow!\r\nThanks for the great reveiw. I was really hoping someone would give some pointers and what you did was just fantastic.\r\nI really apreciate the effort you put in the review. I\'ll take all your sugestions to heart and rewrite this chapter.\r\nThanks so much

Heyo SabakuGirl Let's have a look Lessons Learned. First my compliments on the title, quite original. I do however suggest don't use a family to start, all the information we should need should be worded within the story itself. I say that because rather than just, in essence, throwing the information at us if you attach descriptions and details and paragraphs and quirks, lengthy paragraphs about each one the information will have more staying power in the memory of the reader. If we immediately recognise the character, rather than continuously flicking up to the top for a reminder, we'll enjoy it more and more reviews for you!

I'm not to thrilled with the casual swearing, I find it deflects from the tone of the canon but that's a personal preference. The use of comparisons is nicely done though, I particuarly like the line 'harshest ANBU go read.' Amaya's personality is particuarly well portrayed. One problem is is that your main character who's point of view we're coming through is her name isn't exactly made clear. I scrolled through it a couple of times and I'm still not sure, it is Keseki right? I like the meaning attached to it though, I think the symbolism will be prominent later.

I like the imagery, but more description would spice it up. A fantastic story will paint a clear image, like a movie in our head. Because some of this description is lacking, I'm getting the impression of vague characters moving around a blank room. My suggestion is to really sit inside Kiseki's head and describe the world around her. What does the scenery look like, what furniture is in her home. If it helps use her senses, what does she smell? The acrid stench of smoke drifting through the door, dew on the grass. What does she hear? The rattle of dishes, the flutter of paper. How does her skin feel, slick with night sweats, all tingly with anticipation?

By adding more description it'll add length to your story which might also draw more readers. I remember a poll a while back and the majority of fanfic readers voted the best fanfiction has chapter lengths of 2500 words, where as almost no one voted below fics of 1500 words. I expect its because in a fanfic of at least 1500 words something interesting and exciting must happen to sustain the reader for that long, like an actual Naruto episode. In each episode there's an introduction where we meet all the characters, find out the setting they're in and the atmosphere of the start of the episode. Then there's a life or death conflict or a comedic problem that has to be solved by the character. Then finally there's either a resolution or cliffhanger at the end of episode. I'm not saying your first chapter is boring, just too short for me to immerse myself in the characters.

Well, a good start, a bit more detail, description and length might help but great characterisation. I look forward to see how this part of the Sand Nins lives pan out!

*chuckles happily* G'day Noleta! I wonder what Tammi-chan has to say about being an OC. She's actually one of the new Mod's but no worries. *Kana waves arms "What about MEEEE!"|* What about you? Looking forward to seeing you round! Ta

Heya mate! Did you know that each knew speaker should start a new line for correct paragraphing? Eg

The next day, the three met outside of Dega's house. "I hope that we can all stay together but we can't," sighed Dega.

"There can only be a three man sqaud." said Tino "Rarely do they ever put four people on one squad."

Clancey and Nocto nodded. "Well, lets hope that at least three of us can stay together!" exclaimed Clancey.

This makes things much neater and organised. I bet if you fix this in your earlier chapters you'll attract some more readers, or if you don't feel like it, I volunteer as a betareader!