Author’s Notes: Crack fic! (Slightly.) Corny title, yes, but it was a whole lot better than “Male Fiancée”, “Naruto in Drag!”, or the ever popular, “Slashy’s on Crack!”. (coughs) I’m sure this story is out there somewhere already, and I’m sure the idea/concept has already been used, but this is my first Naruto fic, so I’m trying to work with the characters before I move onto my more original ideas. I’d rather have a good, worn-out plot story so I can break in the characters instead of being one of those author’s who has a kick-ass idea and sucky, sucky writing and characterization.
Anyways, hope you enjoy the story. I certainly enjoyed writing it.
Alternate Universe
Chapter One
The Power of Ramen
[EDIT: April 15, 2005]
Naruto, who was sixteen-years-old and well on his way to becoming a jounin, never thought that he’d live to see the day Uchiha Sasuke bent down on one knee to beg for something. You see, the Uchiha were a strong, proud clan, one of the elite shinobi families that lived in Konohagakure, and they bowed to no one, except for perhaps the Hokage. So to see his childhood rival and teenage friend down on his knees, his fingers clinging to Naruto’s flak jacket, well, it was very interesting indeed.
The blond didn’t know whether or not to be highly amused or mildly disgusted. He would have given his left hand to have an opportunity like this when they were younger, but now, it would have been more than wrong to take advantage of this oh-so-glorious moment. He was floored. He had thought that his rigorous training would have been more than enough to prepare him for moments such as these, but apparently he was sorely mistaken. Not that he really blamed himself. This was the Uchiha Sasuke.
Quickly, so no one would see, Naruto ripped Sasuke’s strong hands from his chuunin vest, hauled him up to his feet, and used various hand seals to transport himself and Sasuke back to his apartment. There he could sort this all out. There he could gather his thoughts among his familiar plants and finally tell Sasuke to just go to hell. He would have done it where they had been standing, but it was a public place. Hidden by trees and foliage, yes, secretive, yes, but still open to the public. The blond certainly did not want anyone to come into their conversation at that time, especially with the strange twist it had taken.
“Okay,” Naruto finally hissed through clenched teeth as he stood on the familiar floor of his apartment, “I want you to tell me again what it is you want, and why in all the seven fuckin’ hells you want me.”
Sasuke, who had only been in Naruto’s apartment a handful of times before, tried to ignore how close the blond was to ripping off his limbs and how clean his apartment really was. The youngest Uchiha would have suspected something much… messier. “I want you to pose as my fiancée.” Sasuke said, quite serious and deadpan despite his earlier performance. Naruto could sense the almost desperate madness behind his normally stiff voice though, and in his state of justified enragement, it only further fed his blood lust. “And I want you to do it because you’re the only one I could tolerate for more than five minutes without having to call the whole engagement off.”
Naruto’s left eye was developing a rather peculiar twitch. “Why the hell do you need me to pose as your fiancée? I bet you just want to see me in drag and laugh about it later! Blackmail material!”
“As much as I wish your idiotic ramblings were true, that’s not it.” Sasuke replied, completely serious. Either he had become the perfect liar –somehow Naruto doubted this- or he really wasn’t joking. “My father and mother truly believe that I’m courting a chuunin, soon to be jounin, from Hidden Wave.”
“Why can’t you use Sakura? Or Ino? Or Hinata? Or Ten-ten? Or some other girl that would gnaw off her own hand to pose as your beloved fiancée?” Naruto nearly yelled, realizing just then that he was still holding on to Sasuke’s almost delicate wrists and was in the process of crushing them into a fine, chalky powder. He quickly let them go, half because the female population of Konoha would ambush him and leave his bits to the crows if he dared harm their precious Uchiha, and half because he really didn’t feel like explaining to the Hokage exactly why he broke both of one of her most aspiring warrior’s wrists.
“No, actually, I cannot.” Sasuke snapped, a tinge of red flaring in his onyx eyes before quickly darting away. He balled his hands into fists, restraining himself from punching that look off Naruto’s face. “Just for reference, my parents have lived here in Konoha all their lives and they know each and every girl you have just named off personally. And I cannot pick a random civilian off the streets, dress her up, and call her fiancée. My father has a sadistic sense of humor that would probably have her killed by the end of the first course. A genin could stop the kunai with ease but a civilian couldn’t.”
“Then go get a girl from Wave!” Naruto snarled, stamping his foot like a toddler that wasn’t getting his way. It probably would have been amusing in any other circumstance to see the slight pout that Sasuke’s face was drawn in, but then again neither of them were in their right minds; Naruto’s had sunk into anger and Sasuke had long ago realized that he was off his rocker. “Find a girl, tell her your problem, and I guarantee that you’ll have a pretty thing to wear on your goddamned arm! You never have trouble picking up any girl.”
“No trouble picking up airheads Naruto. Besides, there are some things a little wrong with your blunt plan of action- my fiancée has to be a blond. She has to be a powerful chuunin with a good chance of becoming jounin within the next year and still be under the age of eighteen. She also must know me fairly well.” Sasuke ticked all these points off on his fingers, all the lies he had spun to his parents, only to have himself caught in his own web. “Finally, she must be ready by tomorrow night. I don’t have time to go and find a girl from Hidden Wave!”
“Ah, but there’s something wrong with your plan as well!” Naruto shot back, closing the distance between them and hissing his response in a very, very arrogant way, as though victory was assured. “I don’t even know when your birthday is. The only reason I know the names of your mother and father is because they’re of the Uchiha clan. Know you well? I barely know you at all.”
“The trivial shit, no. No shinobi should disclose such items frivolously.” His hand shot out to fist in Naruto’s flak jacket as best he could, but the scrolls in the pocket on the front made it hard for him to get a good, threatening grip. “You and I have been in the same class since we were admitted to the Academy. You and I were in the same cell. We are often partnered together on missions and we spar together at least every other day. You’ve learned to read me about as well as my parents, something I am rather loath to admit. The reason I chose you Naruto, is because though you’re a blockhead, I can count on you not to mess this up. You and I have been through worse things. All I’m asking is for you to do this for me.”
Naruto bit down on his tongue so hard that he would have bitten clean through the muscle if he applied any more pressure. He wanted to hit Sasuke so hard that his great-grandfather would feel the blow and roll over in his grave, but somehow he couldn’t quite raise his fist and summon the chakra needed to give Sasuke a black eye that would last for years. He didn’t know why. Maybe it was because somewhere along the line Sasuke made sense, or perhaps it was because, gods forbid it, that he and the bastard had actually become friends.
“Help me Naruto.” Sasuke whispered, this time softer and more of a question than a command, more of a request from a companion than a demand from a rival. His grip on Naruto’s flak jacket was slack and his eyes were downcast, which was strange because Sasuke always raised his eyes when there was a challenge.
When Naruto didn’t say anything, Sasuke hid his frown. He was almost sure that his demure manner would have roped the blonde’s bleeding heart into helping, but apparently he had underestimated Naruto’s stubbornness. (That enduring trait worked in a pattern that he should have realized long ago he would never be able to predict.) So, instead, he used his trump card. “Help me and I’ll treat you to Ramen every Thursday for the rest of the year.”
That was low. Naruto blinked, feeling his anger leave him quickly at the mention of Ramen, but it still simmered below the surface. He wasn’t stupid and he knew that Sasuke was all-out bribing him… Call him a sucker, but he actually thought about the possibility for a moment.
It was only April, so that meant he had a little over eight months to enjoy it. Damn Sasuke! He fought with himself. His pride or his love for Ramen? Well, there was the problem… Ramen was a great motivator for him, and he reasoned that nobody would know it was him in drag anyway… He felt himself pale slightly from the realization that he was actually contemplating the possibility of dressing up as a girl.
“Please Naruto.” The almost begging tone didn’t match up with the impassive, unmoving face. “I’ll get you Ichiraku Ramen, as many bowls as you want.”
Naruto sucked in a breath and damnit, he knew he was done for. In all these years Naruto had never been able to curve his obsession with Ramen –in fact, right over Sasuke’s shoulder he could see last night’s five cups sitting on top of the garbage. Was his pride really worth sacrificing for five steaming bowls of miso Ramen… with those little extras floating around and those little fish things with the red swirls on them… damn those were good…
“Fine!” He found himself snapping, ripping himself away from Sasuke and turning his back. But he could still sense, feel almost, the relieved waves that were radiating from the dark-haired chuunin’s body. Not that the bastard would ever show it. “I’ll help you goddamnit, but I’m not going to like it! I’m going to hate every second of it and if someone, anyone, even your mom or dad, calls me cute, I’ll punch them so hard that you’ll feel it!”
Naruto sealed the deal, just like that, and didn’t realize how deep he had just dug his grave. But as Hyuuga Neji would put it, alas, that is Fate.