Akatsuki Drag Race
Theme song: Akatsuki drag race, start your engines… Akatsuki drag race – may the best shi-shinobi win!
RuPain Voice Over: Today marks a dawn in a new era of Akatsuki history! Today sixteen contestants from around the world (and from other worlds altogether) will be piled together in my little pageant to compete for the title of the world’s next top shinobi drag superstar!
In the you better work room a large pink door swings open and Hidan is the first one to enter the room.
Hidan Confessional: My name is Hidan, I’m 22, from Yuugakure. I decided to enter this competition to show those scared little [bleep]es from my hometown what being REAL is all about.
The big pink door swings open again and Deidara steps inside. Deidara stares Hidan down and says hello with a smirk.
Deidara Confessional: I’m Deidara, but my friends call me “Dei-Dei” or “Didi”. I “rock” because I come from Iwagakure, get it?
The pink door opens a third time and Kisame enters the room. The large blue-skinned shark-like man examines the other two before approaching them. “Hi!” He says.
Kisame Confessional: Yo girls, I’m Kisame and I am large and in charge. NO SHADE!
The door opens up several more times to reveal; Zetsu, Sasori, Kakuzu, and Orochimaru.
Deidara Confessional: O-M-G. Girl…you have got to be at least fifty!
Hidan Confessional: I didn’t know they let dummies in the competition. Just sayin.
Orochimaru Confessional: I can tell that the other girls are reading me, and they can come for me all they want because I maybe the oldest but I am the most polished and professional…so there!
“So how many S-rank missions have you completed?” Hidan asks Orochimaru with a snicker.
“At least 100, how about you?” He responds.
“Uh…let me get back to you.” Hidan replied.
Kisame Confessional: Ooh girl Miss Hidan totally got read for FILTH!
The big pink door opens up again revealing Nadare of Yukigakure.
Nadare Confessional: I’m not concerned about losing, because I have won FIVE (holds up hand) awards for acting.
Nadare Roga flips his lavender-colored hair to the side before approaching the others. “Hey I think I’ve seen you before.” Deidara exclaimed. “Oh then you must own a TV.” Nadare replied.
Deidara Confessional: Bitch please….
The big pink door opens up to reveal Mizuki, who stands looking cockily-confident before striding over to the others. He lowers his large Pink Elton-John shades to give the girls a glare.
Sasori Confessional: This bitch does not even know us and she is already reading us…PUH-LEASE!
Mizuki Confessional: I don’t NEED to know them to KNOW they’re trash, trash is trash.
The big pink door opens up to reveal Aoi Rokusho formerly of the leaf, but now of Amegakure.
Aoi Confessional: I am feeling confident; my sea-green hair is the only one of its kind in the room and it’s rocking the fierceometer!
The big pink door opens to reveal Haku, from Kirigakure.
Kisame Confessional: Uh oh…here we go.
Deidara Confessional: Ladyboy alert!
Hidan Confessional: I didn’t think genuine females were allowed in this contest.
Haku Confessional: My name is Haku, I’m 18 years old – I come from Kirigakure. I could tell right away that I stunned everyone in the room, my look is sickening my walk is ferocious.
Hidan Confessional: Sickening? More like absolutely disgusting!
The big pink door swings open again to reveal Kabuto Yakushi. Orochimaru’s eyes bug out and he immediately looks irritated.
“What are you doing here?! I thought we had an agreement?” Oro asked.
“The only agreement I remember is that I’m sickening and you’re just sick!” Kabuto exclaimed.
Kisame Confessional: Oooh girl!
Orochimaru Confessional: Kabuto is being a major bitch right now, she was supposed to stay AT the hideout so that Sasuke would be ready for me when I got back after I won the contest!
Kabuto Confessional: Orochimaru is hating because she assumed that I was her lapdog and that I would whittle away the hours doing nothing. WRONG, I am sick and fierce and I am gonna win this mother!
The pink door sways open to reveal Zabuza momochi, to Kisame’s surprise who screams and jumps up and down with excitement and delight.
Kisame Confessional: When I saw Zaza walk through that door, 100% family walked in – trust!
Zabuza Confessional: I feel I am at home already with my friend Kisame being here we’re already an alliance against the other girls.
The pink door opens to reveal Kakuzu, an aged shriveled shinobi from the hidden Waterfall village.
Kakuzu Confessional: My name is Kakuzu, I’m uh…well my age doesn’t matter does it? I might be the oldest one here (older than Orochimaru) but I am the baddest bitch on the block. Check it!
Kisame gasps when he sees Kakuzu and Orochimaru together.
Kisame Confessional: Thank, GOD there are two queens here who are like eons older than me – I feel so young in comparison now.
Next Genyumaru enters and wows everyone.
Genyumaru Confessional: My name is Genyumaru, I am a feisty latino!
The door swings open for the last time to reveal Itachi Uchiha formerly of the Hidden Leaf.
Itachi Confessional: I’m Itachi, I killed my parents, my extended family, and turned my little brother into an OCD train-wreck of a freak…so yea, hopefully this will be a good contest. And I like ponies.
Orochimaru’s eyes light up when he sees Itachi enter the room.
Orochiamru Confessional: I know I said I wanted Sasuke’s eyes for myself, but If I can get big sister’s first then why not?
“Those are some nice eyes you have there.” Orochimaru said to Itachi.
“Thanks…” Itachi replied.
“Contacts?” Oro asked.
“Sharingan.” Itachi answered.
“Cute!” Oro replied.
Hidan Confessional: There’s definitely some shade going on between Orochimaru and Itachi, I’m wondering if they have a history together?
As the fifteen contestants meet and greet each other Deva Pain’s image flashes before them on a screen. “Woot Shinobi, you got she-mail!”
“Hi girls!” Deva says.
“Hi Pain!” The girls reply.
“You fifteen are so very special to me, and I just know that this contest is going to be an explosion of eleganza! But there’s just one tiny detail I left out.”
Kisame Confessional: “Oh no…”
Hidan Confessional: I’ve worked way too hard, and killed too many people to go home now!
Orochimaru Confessional: This surprise could be a real killjoy.
“In a few seconds, the pit crew are going to bring to you fifteen a great surprise in a big pink box!” Deva pain giggles like a school girl before fading off of the screen.
“So what do you think it is?” Deidara asked everyone.
“More sexy guys!” Kisame replied.
“Hell yea!” Sasori chimed in.
“I could go for some Dark Mousy baby!” Zabuza exclaimed.
Just then two unnamed shinobi wheeled in a large pink box on a radio flyer wagon. “Enjoy!” They exclaimed before leaving.
The group of fifteen stand amazed, yet frightened while staring blankly at the box.
“Do you guys think this could be…another contestant?” Hidan suspected.
“What if it’s Shangela?” Aoi wondered.
“Oh HELL nah!” Mizuki screamed.
“Should we open it?” Orochimaru wondered.
“Itachi, use your sharingan to look through the box!” Kakuzu shouted.
“It doesn’t work that way…” Itachi replied.
“Hidey-ho girls!” Deva Pain said as he descended the stairs into the “you better work” room.
“I noticed you haven’t opened your present yet.” Deva said, “Well better get a GRIND on it cats!” Deva said suspiciously.
Deidara Confessional: Cats, grinding? WTF is she talking about?
“Here kitty-kitty, time to come out and meet the others!” Deva exclaimed as the pink box fell apart revealing none other than Grimmjow Jaeggerjaques.
“Hola bitches!” Grimmjow shouted as the others squealed with excitement.
Hidan Confessional: I knew it was going to be bad, I just didn’t know it was going to be THIS bad.
Grimmjow Confessional: I went through a lot to get here today, so hopefully I can turn it out and show these boogers who’s boss.
After getting acquainted with everyone, Deva Pain announces the days Main Challenge to the girls.
“Tonight’s main challenge will be…Zombie Ninja Apocalypse couture.”
Orochimaru Confessional: This is MY kind of challenge (devious grin).
The SIXTEEN contestants are taken to an abandoned ninja village and are given ten minutes to mop (steal) as many items and accessories from the houses as possible. After Deva gives the signal all of the ninja start scrambling and running around like girls. Aoi and Deidara fight over a roll of velour fabric, and Kisame finds a whole shark skin outfit to which he squeals with delight.
Orochimaru breaks into a fancy looking house and steals a set of armor and a feather boa, meanwhile Itachi uses sharingan to convince Aoi to give up his fringe dress.
Later that night on the main center stage…
“Cover girl, put the bass in your walk – head to toe let your whole body talk! And…what?”
“Hi judges!” Deva says to Konan and Tobi who sit at the judging panel. “Hi Ru!” The judges respond. “Tonight the girls were asked to put on their very best zombie ninja apocalypse couture look now it’s time to see how they did!” Deva exclaims. “Ladies, start your engines. And may the best, WOMAN; win!”
First up on the runway is Haku from Kirigakure. Haku dresses up like a zombie snowgirl and sashays down the runway like a prissy girl.
Haku Confessional: I am serving fish, I am giving them snow-trout realness!
Next Itachi walks down the runway in a tight-fitting red fringe dress with his long hair worn down in curls like a country pop star.
Itachi Confessional: You can kill your friends and family a dozen times, but there’s no other feeling quite like walking the main center stage.
Next Kisame struts down the catwalk dressed like a zombie mutant fish person, then Zetsu comes down basically looking like a plants vs zombies knock-off.
Nadare Roga confidently walks down the runway in a golden chainmail bikini.
Nadare Confessional: My look is a combination of Naruto, if it was set in a brothel.
Zabuza comes down the runway looking and acting like a bobble-head nurse from Silent Hill. Deidara wears his hair in a beehive do and stuck a large dead bee inside of it, while covering his body parts scantily with clay.
Deidara Confessional: I look so hot, I look so good.
“She looks like the kiln exploded in Lady Gaga’s studio.” Konan said.
Next Aoi comes down the runway dressed in a green trashbag and wears a wig made from a mop.
Aoi Confessional: MY look would have been better if it had not been for Itachi.
Kakuzu walks down the runway dressed as a zombie covered in hair, and Sasori dresses as a zombie marionette.
Orochimaru walks down the runway dressed with his hair in a pompadour looking like the edo-tensei version of the second hokage and awes everyone.
Orochimaru Confessional: My look is sickening, it is fierceness unrivaled.
“Work it honey!” Konan exclaims.
Mizuki walks out dressed as a brick of moldy cheese, while Kabuto dresses as a zombified Sarah Palin.
Next Hidan walks down the runway looking something like a mix between Oscar the grouch and Morticia Munster.
Genyumaru walks down the runway dressed as a mummy.
Finally Grimmjow struts down the “catwalk” dressed as a rabid zombie panther.
“Thank you for your fierce runway presentation ladies.” Deva said. “Please enjoy a drink in the hidden rain room while the judges and I deliberate.” Deva added.
The sixteen contestants cram into the hidden rain lounge and sip drinks and talk smack on each other.
“So...who do you think is going home tonight?” Kisame asks the group. Aoi is quiet and acts like he didn’t hear the question.
“I think I could be going home.” Genyumaru said.
“Girl, why?” Deidara wondered.
“It’s not zombie enough.” Genyumaru added.
“Well….” Kisame started.
“Who else should go home?” Deidara added.
“Grimmjow!” Hidan shouted at the top of his lungs.
The room was quiet for a moment.
“Really, okay – why?” Grimmjow asked.
“Because your look has nothing to do with zombies or apocalypses.” Hidan replied.
“Well okay, that’s YOUR opinion.” Grimmjow.
“It’s the truth, don’t deny what it is.” Hidan retorted.
Hidan Confessional: Grimmjow wants to act like his “look” has anything to do with the challenge, its cats the musical it has NOTHING to do with what we were asked.
The room was quiet for a few minutes.
“I am definitely sensing some shade going on in here.” Kisame blurted.
“I think it’s a little too crowded in here, who wants to go with me to the Cloud Bar?” Hidan asked and he got up to leave along with Deidara, Kabuto, Mizuki, Aoi, Haku, Genyumaru, and Zetsu.
While in the Cloud Bar Hidan had even MORE things to say about Grimmjow.
“Who the hell is he anyway!?” Hidan shouted, “Is he even from here!?”
“Seriously!” Deidara added.
“For real.” Aoi interjected.
“So did anyone HERE have anybody in mind to go home?” Kabuto asked.
“I think Itachi needs to go home.” Haku said.
“Why?” Kabuto wondered.
“He’s the biggest competition In my opinion.” Haku replied.
“Did you notice that Kisame was looking at Aoi when he asked who should go home?” Hidan asked.
“Really, cos’ I didn’t even notice.” Aoi replied.
“We did.” Zetsu said.
“I don’t even care, it’s still early in the game and It’s expected that they’re gonna come for me so let ‘em.” Aoi said with a shrug.
“I hope I don’t go home.” Genyumaru said.
Back in the Hidden Rain Room the girls were giving off some shade of their own.
“So what’s the deal with you and Kabuto?” Nadare asked Orochimaru.
“She WAS my assistant.” Orochimaru replied.
“Didn’t that just totally throw you off with her being here?” Nadare wondered.
“There was some shade there, I could see it a mile away.” Kisame interjected.
“I’m over it, if she wants to come for me let her.” Orochimaru replied.
Just then there was static and then Deva appeared on the monitor. “Peek-a-pain, I see you!” he exclaimed. “Please proceed to the main stage!” He announced.
Later all sixteen contestants stood onstage before Deva Pain, Konan and Tobi.
“The judges and I have made our decision.” Deva announced. “Orochimaru, condragulations you are the winner of this week’s challenge and have won immunity from elimination.” Deva announced.
“Thank you so much!” Orochimaru said with a tear coming down his cheek.
“You have also won an all-expenses paid cruise for two to Crescent kingdom paid for by Guy & Lee cruises.” Deva added.
Orochimaru squeals with delight as the others applaud his victory.
“Grimmjow, Sasori, Kisame, Zabuza, and Haku you are safe.” Deva exclaimed. The five queens turned and left the stage into the safe circle. “Kabuto, Hidan, Kakuzu, Nadare, and Mizuki you are all safe.” The other five bow and enter the safe circle with the others.
“Itachi…your zombie country star-look was not…” Deva started
Itachi’s sharingan activated and Deva quickly changed his mind.
“Is not bad enough, you are safe.” Deva said and Itachi entered the safe circle.
Hidan Confessional: Did he seriously use a genjutsu on the judges?
“Deidara, your exploding clay look did NOT explode the runway…”
Deidara Confessional: “Aw nah!”
“I’m sorry my dear but you are up for elimination.” Deva added.
Deidara Confessional: I just barely got here and already in the bottom two!
“Aoi, your trashbag couture was too trashy and not couture enough. Genyumaru, your mummy look left us wanting our mommies!” Deva pain exclaimed.
Genyumaru: Please don’t land me in the bottom two.
“Aoi and Genyumaru, you are safe and you may join the others in the safe circle.”
Zetsu and Deidara remain on the main center stage facing the judges.
“Zetsu, I am sorry but you are also up for elimination.”
Zetsu Confessional: We are not amused. Indeed!
“The time has come to lip sync for your life! This is your LAST chance to impress me, and save yourselves from elimination; good luck and don’t [bleep] it up!”
Song: “Kanashimi Wo Yasashisa Ni”
Artist: Little by Little
As the song starts playing and the stage lights sparkle, Deidara begins break dancing and moving like Lady Gaga all over the place while Zetsu fumbles and struggles to move around the stage. At the end Zetsu has fallen over on his side, while Deidara is doing backflips.
“I have made my decision…Deidara, shantay you stay.” Deva pain said.
“Thank you!” Deidara said blowing a kiss to Pain before entering the safe circle.
“Zetsu, it has come to my attention that you are actually a plant…and not a real person. That goes against the rules of this competition and I must ask you to leave at once! Now sashay, away!” Deva said.
Zetsu had troubles getting to his feet so the pit crew helped him up and escorted him back to the “you better work” room.
Zetsu Confessional: We are not pleased. Not pleased at all!
Zetsu writes on the mirror in pink lipstick; “Sent home already, mad-face. Deidara @#$% you!”
“One down and fifteen more until we have a winner. If you can’t kill your friend how in the hell are you gonna kill anybody else?!” Deva asks.
“Amen!” The fifteen shout.
“Let the music play!” Deva shouts.
A flashing disco ball lowers from the ceiling as the fifteen contestants dance around the stage before the judges.
This is the beginning of the rest of your life!
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