Part Two: The Set-Up
"Anko, *please,*" Iruka said, leaning out his apartment window.
In the building across from him, Anko sat in her bathroom window wearing nothing but a robe, painting her toenails. "Sorry, Iruka-kun. Hey, I'm off on a mission tomorrow night. Would you mind watering my plants?"
"Yeah, sure," Iruka said, slouching in the windowframe. "Leave the justu off your door this time, would you? I spent three hours trying to get out of that sticky crap you used."
Anko smirked. "I know. I have it on tape."
Iruka gave her a black look, but she wasn't paying attention--or just didn't care. His mind chewed over the stupid jutsu he had to create. "I'll give you a full body massage when you get back if you'll help me with this jutsu tonight," he offered, inspiration striking.
"Sorry, cutie," Anko singsonged. "Gai's going to be giving me a full body massage tonight."
He was pretty sure she was using that as a euphemism. He tried to erase the visual from his mind.
"So ol' one-eye asked you out, huh?" she asked, slanting him a wicked look.
"No," Iruka snapped. "He just assumed we were doing something tonight. The man's delusional, I'm telling you, and Ibiki won't listen." He flicked a chakra string at a pigeon below. The bird squawked and flew away.
"That's just Kakashi for you, sweetie," Anko laughed. "Hold him at bay long enough and he'll lose interest."
"And if I don't manage that?" Iruka mumbled unhappily, chin braced on his hand. Hair slipped out of his band and fell into his face. He ignored it.
"Then he'll molest you."
"Oh, *thanks,*" Iruka drawled.
Anko just laughed. "Kidding!" Then she sobered, a thoughtful look crossing her face. "Sorta."
"Anko!" Iruka yelped, annoyance turning to alarm. Was he actually going to have to worry about--about--unwanted groping?
"Kidding, kidding! I mean, he might *try* to molest you, but if you're really firm about it he'll--"
A booming voice echoed from the front of the building. "Oh wonderful and most beautiful kunoichi! Please, tell me you'll accompany me on this perfect spring evening!"
Anko lit up. "That's my date!" she said, sliding off the windowsill. She yanked off her robe and slipped on a dress, never bothering to cover up. Iruka didn't bother to look away, either. She'd stopped being interesting when he'd turned fourteen, and realized breasts really didn't do it. She leaned out the window one last time, holding out a silver chain.
Iruka took it with a sigh, leaning across the gap and the alley far below. It was handy, he supposed, that the buildings were close enough to do things like this. Something about Jounin insurance being less if the ninja didn't have to jump so far from rooftop to rooftop--less wear on the landing.
He clasped the necklace, adjusted the charm, and watched her flash him a grin and vanish inside. A moment later Gai's voice boomed around them, proclaiming this was a goddess he'd been blessed with on this fine--
Iruka closed the window with a thump. He was going to have to find someone *else* to help him with the damn jutsu. He didn't even have any ideas as to what kind of jutsu to make. And this was normal for Kakashi? Hold him off, Anko had said. That brat. Just how was he supposed to do that?
**
Three days had passed since Hatake Kakashi had lost his ever-lovin' mind, and Iruka had been blessedly Kakashi-free.
He knew it was too good to last.
"Mission reports can be handed into Genma," he said, continuing his march down the street, arms full of papers to be graded. "I'm off work right now."
Kakashi fell into step beside him, eye curving upward happily. "I wasn't here to hand in a mission report."
Iruka kept from sighing. He knew that, but hope sprung eternal. "Is there some information you needed on a student? I can't divulge much unless you have a reason--"
"I just got back from a mission, you know. A-class."
"Mission reports can be turned in--" Iruka started again. He walked purposefully close to a fence so Kakashi would have to drop back a step. Kakashi just appeared on his other side.
"You didn't miss me?"
"Why would I miss you?" Iruka asked incredulously, turning for the first time to face his opponent.
Kakashi's smile got bigger, if the rounded mask was telling the truth. "Because you spent the last few days wishing you hadn't gone to Ibiki? Really, trying to turn me in to ANBU . . ."
Iruka started walking faster. Looking over had been a mistake, obviously. It had probably encouraged Kakashi.
"Hm, not why you missed me? All right, what about because you kept thinking about the man behind the mask?"
Iruka hopped up the steps to his apartment building, shifting papers around so he could get his keys free.
"Because I have a great ass?"
He stopped to give Kakashi an eye-rolling look, then shoved his way through the door. Kakashi stuck his foot in the frame, keeping it from closing. "Go out with me tonight."
Iruka blew hair out of his face, wondering if he'd look as asinine as he suspected if he used those little hair clips the teenagers used. Probably. "I can't go out with you. I have a jutsu due." And Anko hadn't helped at all.
"When it's done."
He thought furiously for an excuse. It was always possible to just say 'no,' but he'd never been a particularly suicidal man. Saying 'no' to ANBU Jounin just wasn't wise. "I can't."
Kakashi waited.
Then a truly evil idea occurred to him. "See, Anko's my best friend, and she's got this *thing* for you." Ha. Teach the other Chuunin not to help when he was in need.
Kakashi's face--the bit Iruka could see--clouded. "She's dating Gai."
"In a bid to find out more about you," Iruka lied blithely. "I can't break her heart like that." He gave his best apologetic smile, and slammed the door on Kakashi's foot.
Or would have, but the Jounin was fast.
Iruka breathed a sigh of relief when the hall remained empty, and went upstairs to his apartment.
**
Iruka rinsed shampoo out of his eyes, cursing himself yet again. You'd think after years of washing his hair, he'd have figured out how.
He needed to buy that stupid tearless shampoo, that was all.
When the suds finally stopped running and his face stopped burning, he shut off the water and yanked back the shower curtain.
Only to come face to face with Hatake Kakashi.
Iruka screamed and leapt back, yanking the curtain closed again. He plastered himself against the far wall, staring at dripping opaque whiteness.
And a shape on the other side.
Slowly, Iruka edged forward and pulled back the curtain, hiding all but his face behind it.
Kakashi sat on the lid of his toilet, flipping through a magazine Iruka had left there. The Copy Ninja turned to smile up at him, like a tiger smiling at its lunch. He was all coiled muscles and energy burning below the calm. Iruka could practically *see* the chakra boiling.
"I had an interesting experience last night," Kakashi said, entirely too mildly. He closed the magazine and stood, hands sliding into his pockets.
"What are you doing in my *bathroom*?" Iruka yelled.
Kakashi acted like he hadn't spoken.
"I went to talk to Anko. Just to clear things up."
"You--" He couldn't quite wrap his mind around the fact that Kakashi was standing in his apartment, in his *bathroom*, and he was naked. He eyed his towel. "My bathroom, Kakashi!" he said, appalled. "What are you doing here?"
"Anko wasn't . . . pleased. With me *or* you."
"YOU'RE IN MY BATHROOM!" Iruka bellowed.
Kakashi sighed and looked at him very blandly. "Yes," he said finally. "Now, if we could move on?"
Move on. Move on? "You broke into my apartment--"
"You lied to me." The words were oddly precise. Iruka froze.
He'd lied to an obviously insane, obscenely powerful ANBU Jounin. He smiled weakly, fingers clenching the plastic curtain. "Ah . . . It was a misunderstanding." He was starting to get cold. Water dripped down his back from his hair.
"Hmm," Kakashi said. It was amazing how much could be packed into a single 'hmm.' Volumes. Encyclopedias, even. Hell, a whole library could be packed into one of Kakashi's hmm's.
"I can explain--" Iruka began.
"I'm sure you can. Over dinner. Three days from now."
"Dinner? No--I can't--" Iruka began, glancing again at his towel. Things would be so much easier if he wasn't naked.
"It's a date." Kakashi beamed and sauntered out the door.
Iruka stared. Slowly, he straightened, releasing the curtain. Then he slumped back against the wall and slid with a spine-shuddering squeak to the shower floor. Three days. He had three days to figure a way out of this.
Things just couldn't get any worse.
*******************
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