I couldn’t sleep the three days back home. I couldn’t no matter how tired I felt, I was afraid I would dream of Suzu. I thought about her of course but I was more scared of my dreams than my reality.In my dreams my mind would run wild, and I couldn’t control it. It showed me what I didn’t want to see, but at least if my eyes are open I see things I at least wouldn’t mind seeing. I didn’t mind watching the sunrise and set every day. I didn’t mind seeing the squirrels run around.
But I couldn’t force myself to look at Kakashi. I didn’t mind if he was angry with me or ignoring me. I could deal with that, but if he was disappointed in me, that was something I can’t bear to handle. Just like I couldn’t bear the look Suzu gave me. I felt like all anyone would see was the beast in me, I was living in its shadow not the other way around like it should be. I can’t outrun my own shadow after all. I didn’t expect to feel fear though.
I was afraid if their kindness was genuine or not. I was scared to know if they only thought of me as that person who held power. I thought it would be different in the Leaf, and it frightens me that I am beginning to doubt my place. My father’s words come back to mid he always told me I never belonged. And I was thinking he was right. I shouldn’t be thinking this way anymore, I was trying to put it behind me but trust is something hard to keep. And maybe I broke their trust in me. Regret filled in me, I should have dealt it differently. All of this was making me remember my darkest moments, and if I didn’t find something to do I was going to explode. Not knowing was almost unbearable, not knowing how tomorrow will end. Or how it will start. Sakura tried to approach me but she couldn’t find the words to talk to me. She stayed by my side though, I didn’t feel so alone.
Sai and Kakashi they weren’t so talkative, all of stayed quiet for most of the trip, and when the Leaf finally came into view, I became a little nervous at the thought of facing Lady Tsunade. We make our way to her office quickly I’m sure we all wanted to get home and rest, I did, but I doubt I will rest anytime soon. eight days have past and I’m sure I’ll be called to Shikkotsu Forest as soon as I get home, I was behind on my training big time. Tomoko and Sage Moriko are going to grind me on wood technique, I wouldn’t be surprise if they put a shadow clone in my place just so I could be at two place at once. I enter Lady Tsunade along with Kakashi, Sakura, and Sai. It was late morning and she held a tea cup in her hands.
“I assume the mission went well,”
“Yes, there were no incidents. Everything went according to plan,” Kakashi says. Little relief is brought to me when he doesn’t mention Suzu.
“Kakashi you can submit your written report later, get some rest it was a long journey,” Lady Tsunade says. We all make it back to our home, but I walk a bit farther behind Kakashi, I haven’t looked at his face since that incident. My mind wanders to Suzu? How is she doing? Will she be okay, will her baby be okay?
The guilt lingered in the back of my mind, she was alive why didn’t I save her now that I can? I should have brought her to the Leaf, and if they wouldn’t accept her, then I would have gone off with her. I would, well at least I think I would. I don’t know if I would give up all I have gained here. I don’t think I can leave Kakashi, or Sakura, or Hinata. I don’t think I would be able to choose between Suzu and the Leaf. I was afraid to know the answer.
“You would leave Suzu on her own. That is the answer, all of us know humans are selfish and you wouldn’t let this go,” the beast grins in the back of my head. I feel sick to my stomach, its been such a long time since he talked to me, I was beginning to think he would leave me alone, but this was the perfect situation for him to appear.
“I was beginning to wonder where those two ended up,” He continues.
“You let them live on purpose?” I thought. He laughs, “Of course I did, it went like I thought it would. Better actually. I always planned on you and the other girl to meet again. Its a small world afterall, but that mist ninja was a bonus.” He laughs loudly in my head, making it hard to concentrate on my surroundings. His presence was suffocating. He wanted me to meet her again, knowing she would react this way. It was evil that could only be guided by an evil doer. He was waiting, that is why he has been so quiet.
“About mastering the beast mode, don’t even try, I’ll kill you before you blink an eye. And if you die who would know what could happen to Kakashi. Or to Suzu, and her baby,” the beast is serious, like he is trying to intimidate me and it was working. I will never let him touch anyone, I’ll kill him.
“You can’t even land a scratch on me little Kiyoko.” I stumble up the stairs, it seems like the distance between Kakashi and I was only getting bigger. I gripped the rail, the beast was trying to overwhelm me, it was hard to get up these damn stairs.
“If I try hard enough, I’ll become stronger than you,” I say with strength. I hear him growl, a very deep and angry growl ripped through my absent minded head. It made me throw up the minimal food I had in my stomach. My bile spills on the concrete stairs that I stood on. I was light headed, maybe from the lack of rest and food or maybe because the beast was doing this to me.
“I kept quiet for a long time, watching you become stronger. I can’t let you go on anymore,” he threatens me with an image. An image of me ripping myself apart, while I turned into a monster.
“So you feel threatened by my progress, it just means I’m getting stronger, and I won’t need you anymore. Its true, I don’t need you. So just stay quiet, will you?” I snicker when he doesn’t respond. I regain my strengths, but I feel a lot more tired now than before. Everytime he makes his presence, he takes some of my energy with me.
I get to the apartment, Kakashi was locked away in his room. I clean up, taking a very long shower. My head hurt from thinking too much, I just wished I could not think at all for a bit. I close my eyes and relax, feeling the hot water soak away all the stress.
“We can’t wait for ever. Hurry up and shower, time is wasting,” I hear Tomoko say. I have a mini heart attack, and see Tomoko standing on the toilet. What does she think is doing? I am trying to relax, but she was right I didn’t have that luxury anymore. I was to begin wood style as soon as possible, and that is today.
“Well I would get out as soon as I finish my shower and get something to eat. I’ll summon you once I am done, so can you please leave. I don’t like being so bare in front of someone,” I say. Tomoko vanishes in a cloud of white. I finish my shower, and get dressed, I still felt light headed, and I rushed to the kitchen to make something to eat before I summon Tomoko. I make rice balls enough to fill four people up. Kakashi should eat too, I wonder if he would still eat dinner with me, or is he too disappointed to even stand to be in the same room? I don’t know how to apologize to him, I betrayed his trust didn’t I? I hope he doesn’t think I am an enemy. I leave the rice balls on the table, before I make my way to the door.
“Kiyoko, we need to talk,” I hear Kakashi say. He stands behind me.
“I have to do a few things, can we talk about it some other time,” I say, and grab the door knob. Kakashi grabbed my wrist.
“This can’t wait, and I’m not letting you go until you hear. I can’t let you go on like this,” he says. Kakashi looks tired, we both are. I let him pull me to the living room. I sit besides him.
“We couldn’t save her, just try to understand that. I know it was insensitive to say what I said, but I’m going to be honest. It was the truth, this is the truth. I am not a kind person, I do what I am told, and it only becomes difficult if my beliefs get in the way. This is the way the world works, we take what we think will benefit us and leave what doesn’t. We took you in partly because you are a jinchuuriki, but Naruto he knows the pain you felt. He connects to everyone he meets, good or bad, and he couldn’t leave you. And if he was here, then he wouldn’t have left Suzu, but he isn’t. And years from now you might regret it, but you live with your regrets.” Kakashi looked so exposed, his body was facing mine, he didn’t wear his mask. I saw his lips move when he talked.
“But let me make one thing very clear. I don’t have one regret of taking you in, and its not because I care about the beast in you. You’re strong, and caring. You protect, but don’t for a second believe you aren’t worthy enough to even be here. I will always protect you. You, Kiyoko, the master water nature jutsu ninja. Kiyoko the fabulous cook. Kiyoko the horrible knitter. Kiyoko the caretaker. Kiyoko the human. I could care less of the beast, but you I care for. You belong here, in this house. Every second you spent here, were seconds not wasted, and you have to believe it. No matter how hard the burden of living with your past, you don’t have to do it on your own. I’m here to share your burden, I’m here to stop you from running. I’m here to make sure you stay here, sane and safe, and I do it because I want to.”
It was difficult to hear him say it because no one has ever said it to me. He was here because he wants to, and I was so grateful to know he sees me as Kiyoko. I belonged here, with Kakashi, in this house, beside him. Kakashi brings me in his arms as I let my tears fall. The tears that shed for Suzu, and for my own insecurities, but mostly for Suzu. She was alone right now, while I was in Kakashi’s arms. But I can finally breathe easy just for now, just knowing what he thinks makes me feel a lot better. This was the reality of my life, I was taken in by chance, and I was lucky to have been brought in. It shouldn’t be this way, the world shouldn’t be so selfish. In some ways I had the beast to thank for this life I live now, but I was going to have this burden for the rest of my life. For the longest time, I thought I would have to live my life alone and carry the beast forever, but I’m no longer carrying it alone. Kakashi is sharing it with me, and back then I wouldn’t have believed him, but so far he hasn’t broken a promise. He was trying to repay for the promises he broke in his past. I was trying to keep mine, and we needed each other to keep going. Was this what the girls talked about in the hot springs the other day. Is this what it meant to have someone special. Kakashi was special and precious to me, that was the truth.
“Whatever is bothering you, when ever I’m open ears, and closed mouth. I’ll never tell a soul. I can tell something else is bothering you,” He looks down at me, a small smile brightens his face. Sometimes I wonder if Kakashi can read minds.
“The beast talked to me just a while I ago, its been so long it threw me off a bit,”
“What did it tell you?”
“He- he let them live on purpose. He knew someday I would see Suzu again, but that it just fell into play perfectly. I don’t know how he could know this would happen. He’s tormenting me. I know he wants me to rip myself apart.”
Kakashi holds me tighter, “but you aren’t weak enough to let him and I’ll make sure of it too.”
I nod, and Kakashi finally pulls away to wipe my tears away. His hand was warm, and comforting. I wanted to stay a bit longer, but I had to go to Shikkotsu Forest. I wanted to tell him where I always go off to, but I couldn’t. He swore he would never tell anyone, and I believed him, it was Sage Moriko who didn’t want anyone to know about my training.
“I’ll go get a few groceries, there are rice balls in the kitchen. I’ll be back in a few hours. I think I’ll swing by Eri’s house for a bit too,” I say as I stand from his embrace. He nods and makes his way to the kitchen. I grab my things and go to the nearest training ground. I summon Tomoko quickly, she popped out, looking very impatient.
“Took you long enough, now make a shadow clone, and lets go,” she says. I do as she says and send my clone to do the things I said I would do. Tomoko sends us to Shikkotsu Forest in a jiffy, I could really feel their impatience on being behind. We are west of home tree, this part of the forest is not so dense anymore. The scent is different here, sweeter, like maple. Sage Moriko sits on trunk of a fallen tree. It looked neglected almost, but I’m sure Sage Moriko would never neglect her forest.
“No time for greetings, come here Kiyoko, lets begin wood style technique.” Sage Moriko motions me to the center of the large open ground. Tomoko flies to near tree to get out of our way. I was getting a bit nervous.
“Wood release is different from all of the elements, and from all kekkei genkai. It is formed by simultaneously combining earth based chakra in one hand and water based chakra in the other. The user’s body is converted as the life force, which is why it is so difficult to control. That is why many who tried didn’t go back home alive. If your body is not strong then it will consume you, but it must be flexible to grow with your jutsu. Earth is strong, water is flexible. I’ll show you how to create a simple wood style vegetation. I use water nature in my left and earth nature in my right. I concentrate my chakra at my palm, and use my regular chakra right after I combine my palms, that will give it the energy it needs to grow wood. Like an earth style jutsu you must use your ground to grow the jutsu, and use water and your chakra to feed it, so it will grow strong like my home tree,” She says. I feel three different chakra inside Sage Moriko, all very distinct and strong. Her water chakra is present on her hand, and the earth chakra in the other, and behind both of her nature chakra is her own chakra, waiting to infuse.
I see as she connects both her hands, and then a tree begins to bend from the ground, growing quickly. A chakra grown tree stood there in front of me.
“If you do not take this seriously this life force will take over you, but I don’t think you need to worry about it, for a long time you have challenged taking control of a very powerful beast inside of you without help of a seal, so this shouldn’t be a problem for you. I even think you have stronger chakra than myself, so wood release should come easily to you,” she smiles in encouragement. I take a deep breath, it was my turn.
Strong and flexible. Earth and water. Life. I do as she says, using water nature chakra in my right palm and earth nature chakra in my left. She was opposite than me. Maybe she learned earth first and then water, so she switched her hands. I use what feel most comfortable for me. I can feel Sage Moriko stare at me, but I close my eyes to picture my own chakra split into two sides evenly. If I infuse it with my water too much or my earth like won’t be able to grow.
I choose a place to use my ground, I finally let my chakra combine, using my chakra as the life force. I open my eyes, and see a small tree grow from the ground beneath me, I fed it my chakra and it grew taller. I could hear a gasp, but I didn’t know if it came from Sage Moriko or Tomoko. I stop when I hear a clap. I turn to see a giant smile on Sage’s face. It felt good to cause that smile, since she is always grinding me to learn quickly.
“I knew it. You’re slow when it came to learning earth, but wood style came naturally to you, didn’t it. I was the same. Water was difficult to learn, but wood was easier. How did you feel?”
I stare at my hands, which are slightly pink from my nature chakra infusing, but I no longer felt so nervous. I could actually do this.
“Its not so difficult to control my chakra,”
“Well of course not. Your chakra control is incredible. Hashirama was just a bit older that you when he mastered this technique, and I believe you will master it quickly too. You two have similarities with your life force, but I might dare to say that your’s is stronger. And heavens only know why,” she compliments me, which is extremely odd. I was curious to know just how strong Hashirama was, especially because he was seen as a god. Maybe after practice Sage Moriko will let me read his history for a bit.
“Again. You must get comfortable with wood release that it will soon be second nature. And your jutsus will be even more powerful.”
I go on for hours, with breaks in between, and snacks are brought often. Because I am a life force it uses more chakra than any other jutsus. I was beginning to feel a bit more comfortable with woos release, I was afraid that it would be impossible for me, but as Sage said moments ago I have to be more confident with my power. My own power, not the beast.
“You are your own person, and no beast can ever define you. That is why you use your chakra for yourself, its all you, so be more confident with your skills. Its okay to realize your strengths and weaknesses,” she said. I am shy when it comes to showing what I can do, but when it came to protecting people I care for, I won’t hold back. I can’t anymore, I’m the savior of this world and I just have to embrace it. Sage Moriko would be so glad to hear my thoughts, I have accepted my fate, but I will control it am my will. It is my life I choose to live it the way I desire.
I’ve realized recently that I can’t save people in my current position, and I don’t want to feel like I did. I couldn’t snap Suzu out of her hatred for me because she saw the beast, but I’ll show her that I am not the beast. I know we’ll meet and then she’ll see Kiyoko. My failures has always given my strength to better myself, and it was a quality I lacked before. I wonder how my clone is doing, I wonder if Kakashi has fallen for it, or Eri. They are both jounin.
After a long day of practice Sage Moriko sends me back early, telling me to rest for more extensive training to come. It was five, and my clone was setting the groceries on the counter, it looks like Kakashi was out at the moment. I release my jutsu and shower again before Kakashi gets home. I was fortunate that he was gone, he would have questioned my filth and sweat.
I see what my clone has picked for dinner tonight, rice, beef, and vegetables. A spicy curry sounded nice for tonight, especially because I still had that sweet maple scent stuck in my nose. This should cover it. I grab my apron and begin to peel, the potatoes, I hear Kakashi come in, along with company. I hear Yamato’s voice soon enough. I haven’t seen in a while, he must be busy too. All ninja were.
“Oh you’re home. I just got back from filing the report.” I see Kakashi enter the kitchen along with Yamato.
“Hey Kiyoko it’s been a while,” He smiles. I greet back.
“That information that we got from the Moon sure has helped. I just got back from a mission investigating leads to Orochimaru’s where abouts,” Yamato says as Kakashi and him take a seat at the table. I smiled a bit, they didn’t mind if I heard their conversation.
“How did it go?” Kakashi asks.
“We can never find them, they are always a step ahead. They move frequently, and set many, many boobitraps. Its difficult to track Orochimaru, which was why the information was so helpful, but still we can’t find any directions to where they head off to,” Yamato tells him. I hear Kakashi sigh as I begin to cut up the potato in squares.
“It feels like the time period to get Sasuke back is getting smaller and smaller. We can’t even get into a hideout. Orochimaru goes to great care to make sure of it.” Kakashi sounds defeated. He said three years, that is all I have to master countless of techniques and Naruto’s training as well. It makes me wonder just what is going to happen in three years.
“I’ve heard many rumors about you two?” Yamato changes the subject. I turn to see him looking at Kakashi and I.
“What rumors?” I ask. He smiles.
“The deadly black and white combo. You two are deadly apparently. I wouldn’t be surprised, not with Kiyoko’s water jutsus and Kakashi’s lightning style. I could only imagine what feeling enemies feel when they are against you two. The deadly duo,” He snickers and laughs a bit. Kakashi serves him some juice, while he shakes his head a bit.
Deadly huh? I didn’t know we had become so well known, it made me feel proud of all of the work I have put in. I chop up the rest of the vegetables, and begin cooking the meat separately. They continue to talk while I finish cooking. It was nearly done when Yamato says he was heading home.
“Yamato would you like to join us for dinner?” I ask, and check the rice. There was plenty for all of us.
“I don’t know...”
“You said next time last time, so sit down, its almost ready. There is plenty for all of us. I made more than necessary. If its spicy, Kakashi usually eats more than he can handle,” I tease. I can see Kakashi fighting a smile. Yamato agrees and sits.
“You two sure are something.” I hear him say as I set his bowl in front of him.
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Chapter notes: Here is another chapter for my lovely readers. Thanks for sticking to me even though this story is long and complicated. I didn't know how it would appeal to readers, but so far I'm glad to hear all of your opinions. I enjoyed writing this chapter, it seems like Kiyoko is beginning to feel more at home, a new chapter has opened for her.
Chapter end notes: Thanks for reading! Let me know what you guys think.
Until next chapter