TONFA :: The Original Naruto Fanfic Archive

Name: yvorazz3986 (Anonymous) · Date: 03/07/08 - 09:58 am · For: Mysterious Boy

This was a fun chapter! i totally love this one. you're doing great!!!!!

Author's Response: lol Thanks! xD

Name: Incarn (Signed) · Date: 02/07/08 - 03:33 pm · For: Daddy's Gone

And I'm back! I guess you can start calling m your unofficial lazy bum of a beta reader. Yay! I'm a bum!

I didn't find many things wrong with this chapter.

Uno:
“…how hard it was excepting the fact that they were truly gone.”
Replace excepting was accepting. Except means to, um, not include something in a general assumption. Accept means to, well, accept something. Like accept a gift.
Gosh, I'm horrible at definitions.

Dos:
“Kasumi gently stoked her niece’s hair as they stood in front of two graves.”
You missed the r. It's okay, I make lots n' lots of typos. Like, I've re-typed the sentence before this two times. Hehe.

Tres:
“Looks like I get to here the story after all…”
Here is a word for a place. You want hear. c:

And I can't help but spazz at Nari's attitude with Naruto. Of course she better be included in proving that heroes exist! Yeah! Go Nari!

Author's Response: Yay! I've got an unoffical beta! xD Wow O.o I messed up bad with that except and accept thing. Thanks for the corrections/reveiw!

Name: yvorazz3986 (Anonymous) · Date: 02/07/08 - 10:28 am · For: Daddy's Gone

Awww, this was cute...in a way. but i still loves it. keep writing ^_^

Author's Response: Kinda sappy but in a good way! Yes! I will keep writing!

Name: AikoMatsuo (Signed) · Date: 02/07/08 - 09:27 am · For: Daddy's Gone

wow!!! EPPPPPPPPP!!!!! teehee =3 cool out have to keep it up or ill be like ...............@_@ NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yup like that, so keep it up... please
love aikomatsuo
xoxoxoxox
100000000000000000/10

Author's Response: Yesh! I shall keep it up! Untill like....chapter 22 or something, then it will slow down some, but until then I shall keep it up! xD

Name: xXxTiNkxXx (Signed) · Date: 01/07/08 - 05:57 pm · For: Daddy's Gone

o0o0o kekkai genkai involving lightning o0o0o0o. Shannon likes lightning lol.

Naruto and Kaminari are such cute friends =3. Update again soon!!

Author's Response: lighting is kickass! xD Yes! The NaruNari duo are da bomb! :) Thanks for the reveiw!

Name: kuramasgurl018 (Signed) · Date: 01/07/08 - 04:24 pm · For: Daddy's Gone

Awesome chapter. I see that Kaminari's kekkai genkai is showing itself. Update soon.

Author's Response: You review so quickly! The chapter hasn't even been up for seven minutes! >_> lol Thanks and thanks for the review.

Name: yvorazz3986 (Anonymous) · Date: 30/06/08 - 12:13 pm · For: A Day With Tazuna

this is awesome!!!! i love this chap. and i like this story, though i am confused as to why it's rated R18...is that for future chaps?

Author's Response: It's mostly rated for swearing and for safty. I can honestly say that I've never written a lemon in my life. But...who knows maybe they'll be some lime in the future. Thanks for the review!

Name: Vixkill (Signed) · Date: 30/06/08 - 09:03 am · For: A Day With Tazuna

wow, you're updating really quickly. good job!

Author's Response: Yeah, this is going to be updated quite quickly until it catches up to how far it was on animespiral. The site died resently. R.I.P- Animespiral.com

Name: AikoMatsuo (Signed) · Date: 30/06/08 - 08:00 am · For: A Day With Tazuna

or im going to puke to that a clasic, nari helped little kid how sweet
love AikoMatsuo
xoxoxo
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Name: Incarn (Signed) · Date: 29/06/08 - 10:29 pm · For: A Day With Tazuna

I really like Kaminari's personality! It's probably because there aren't that many OCs that joke about being sexy beasts. I guess that was what caught my attention and kept it. Blah, I like stories for the most idiotic reasons... x)

Anyways! Critique time!

First point:
“Their climbing trees for training.” Answered Sakura.

Their is the possessive plural. What you are looking for is they're, or if you want Sakura to be stuck up and not use the conjunctions (such a fancy word--I don't like using it) you can put "they are."

Second base!
"One of the other construction workers walked up to Tazuna as Tazuna was putting the steel into the pile."
Try not to use names all the time. Sometimes, it gets repetitive, and really picky readers (I admit--I'm somewhat picky) don't like the way the names are mentioned over and over again. It makes the names loose a certain specialness, if you wanna be corny. xD
Anyways, try to use different terms, like this:
"One of the other construction workers walked up to Tazuna as the old bridge-builder was putting the steel into the pile."

That tri-number.
"Kaminari seen that the other terrified child had a loaf of bread in his hands."
Saw! Saw 3! Er, um, not the movie. Eheheh. n_n

Home run! (like.. fourth base? ..yeah..)
"Kaminari squatted down so that she was eye level with the children."
I'm not sure if squatted is a word, but still, crouched sounds better. Ack! I'm not trying to sound stuck-up! (I'm kinda enexperienced at critique-ing, eheheh...)

The imaginary Freddy Fifth Base!
"Suddenly Naruto and Sasuke shoot out of their seats."
Replace shoot with shot. :)

Anyways, I really enjoy your story and Kaminari's witty and snappy comebacks! I was always a huge fan of sarcasm.

Author's Response: Thanks for the help! Your right your five points do sound better. I'll fix it up and repost the chapter! Sarcasm is my master! @.@ lol Thanks for the review/help!

Name: Kaminari (Anonymous) · Date: 29/06/08 - 06:20 pm · For: Enter: Kaminari Hiyori

OMG! Kickass story! lol The character has the same name as my username! xD Thunder all the way! Update again soon!

Author's Response: lol I wondered when you were going to review, meg! Thanks for the review!

Name: xXxTiNkxXx (Signed) · Date: 29/06/08 - 04:17 pm · For: Chakra Training

SHAWEEEET!!!!! SHANNON LIKES IT!!!!

its going on my favorites =3

thanx for reviewing my story too. i really like this one. i love kaminari's attitude. it kinda reminds me of my character in a way (which means i like)

i hope you keep reading my story and that i keep getting reviews miss missy miss!!

~ Shannon

Author's Response: Awsomeness! xD I review what I like and your story is awsome! Thanks for the review!

Name: kuramasgurl018 (Signed) · Date: 29/06/08 - 12:11 pm · For: A Day With Tazuna

Awesome chapter. I'm glad that she was able to help those two kids. Update soon. You're getting close to where you ended on AS.

Author's Response: Yup Yup! More OCs! xD And your right again! Only about 14 more chapters to go! ^_^ Thanks 4 review!

Name: yvorazz3986 (Anonymous) · Date: 28/06/08 - 12:40 pm · For: Chakra Training

Yosh! i love this chap.....when you have like 30 chaps. let me know. j/k XD this is an awesome fic!!!

Author's Response: Thank you Gai-sensei! lol jk Thanks for the review!

Name: kuramasgurl018 (Signed) · Date: 28/06/08 - 12:27 pm · For: Chakra Training

Awesome chapter. I'm glad that Kaminari was able to help Naruto with his taining. Update soon.

Author's Response: Yup Yup! The course to Hokage is running a bit smoother now for Naruto! xD Thanks for the review

Name: AikoMatsuo (Signed) · Date: 28/06/08 - 12:17 pm · For: Chakra Training

a warm feeling!!! cool. and yes i do have pet chickens 2 to be exact. the only thing about a story is qa hve no good idea's seeing as all my other stories were a dud, so i would not take any sory idea's from me.

love AikoMatsuo xoxoxo you ready for the zeros????? ready get-set go
100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Name: AikoMatsuo (Signed) · Date: 27/06/08 - 08:08 am · For: Kind of Like Family

:'( AWWWWWWWWWW THAT'S
SOOO SWEET. NARI HAS A MOM
AND BROTHER4
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THATS SOO COOL!!!! and do you know what esles is cool chickens i have two pet one!!now thats cool.
YOU MY NEW FRIEND we should so get together
sometime and write a story that waould be emence!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ad the story i dont know what to say it sooo cool!!!
love AikoMatsuo xoxoxox
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/10

Author's Response: lol Thanks. Pet chickens? Cool. Yay! Me gots a new friend! ^_^ I wouldn't mind writing a story with you. @.@ .....zeros..... Thanks for the review!

Name: kuramasgurl018 (Signed) · Date: 27/06/08 - 06:36 am · For: Kind of Like Family

Awesome chapter. I see that Inari is starting to warm up to Kaminari. Update soon.

Author's Response: Ya know it! xD Thanks for the review!

Name: yvorazz3986 (Anonymous) · Date: 26/06/08 - 03:53 pm · For: Kind of Like Family

THIS....IS....AWESOME!!!!!!!!!! Dude i love this soooo much!!!! you have to update. i'm dying.....and i just read this..........UPDATE!!!!!

Author's Response: Me is happy you like! ^o^ I shall update again ASAP! Thanks for the review!

Name: AikoMatsuo (Signed) · Date: 25/06/08 - 08:21 am · For: Swordsman vs. Sharingan

OMG COOL!!!!!!!!!!!!! what going to happen next? please tell me something cool. well whatever you want it will be cool. but hay it was amzing
love AikoMatsuo xoxox
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and i did not have any sugar

Author's Response: I'm happy you like it! Tell you something cool? Silver's my fav color! That's cool! *crickets* ...oh you meant about the next chapter? Kaminari mocks Sakura! AGAIN! xD What? No sugar? Your just full of surprises! ^.^ Thanks for another review!

Name: kuramasgurl018 (Signed) · Date: 24/06/08 - 11:19 am · For: Swordsman vs. Sharingan

Zabuzza has made his appearance. That means Haku will appear in the story soon. Update soon.

Author's Response: Ya know it! ^_~ Thanks again for the reviews!

Name: kuramasgurl018 (Signed) · Date: 24/06/08 - 11:18 am · For: A Dangerous Mission: Hiyori's Horror

Awesome chapter. I hope that Kaminari feels better soon.

Author's Response: Me thinks she will. :] Thanks for the review!

Name: Vixkill (Signed) · Date: 17/06/08 - 05:48 pm · For: A Dangerous Mission: Hiyori's Horror

people who are to lazy to watch - too

that their not brats - they're

Had they hear right? - heard

The Hokage briefed us on what the mission was. (papagraph) - you're losing perspective again

animal went pee there. - animal peed there

sweater that’s zipper - "that's" is like saying 'that is'

The puddles alive! - puddle's - puddle is

move do to shock - due

as she seen Naruto

Author's Response: Hey thanks for all your help! I'll post the edited chapters in a moment. Thanks again!

Name: Vixkill (Signed) · Date: 17/06/08 - 05:30 pm · For: Morning Bells Are Ringing!

decided to go threw with it. - through

Kaminari II had notice the - noticed

You laughed slightly as you seen Naruto. - she laughed slightly as she saw naruto

Author's Response: Thanks! I'll fix this chapter up right away!

Name: Vixkill (Signed) · Date: 17/06/08 - 04:37 pm · For: Enter: Kaminari Hiyori

kids in her class where creped out - were

when he realized was being ignored. - + he

when she hear the class - heard

fell out of there seats - their

He knew what your aunt was like. - her

Well I have too go - to

Kaminari’s name was at that moment, called.
poetry?
at that moment kaminari's name was called

small room and seen a guy - saw

interesting character

Author's Response: wow look at all the mistakes! O.O' ego has been deflated. lol thanks for pointing these out!

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