First off, what the hell?

*sigh* This was just so...I can't even think of the words. Its seems like you were on the verge of using details and adding some character depth but then it all snapped into just idiotic smut.

This really has no way of getting a reader involved in the story. I mean you barely even touched the surface of details before getting into the six year old sentences.

Quite a shame because it would make for a somewhat decent story if you developed your writing skills.

Its your character development that got me the maddest. Don't write a story just for random undetailed smut its a waste of everyones time.

I can say one thing, from the looks of a few sentences I can say you look to have potential, but you can only become a good writer if you have some practice.

Random smut is ok so long as you know how to write it, there are plenty of people who write just plan out smut but they do so in a manor that is "respectable" and easy for the readers to actually read and not get sick of half why through.

The whole bases for this story is a little blurred, you should go into background info and such. and for the Ino Chouji thing explain their emotions. I have a feeling that nothing I am saying will get through to you but I'd like to offer help anyways.

Well I wish you luck! Later!