Again, its still too short for me to really get into, its more of a scene than a chapter but its good quality. There's some good vocabulary, like your use of apathetic, and good imagery, 'pallet of dirt'.
We don't really know too much of the characters, so I can't really empathise or care about them. Perhaps if you looked out from Kyro's eyes and gave us more of his opinions, views and bias we could love him. Adverbs can do this by subtly painting a Kyro's point of view. I'd also refrain from multiple punctuation. To quote amazing author Terry Pratchett, 'What? Five exclaimation marks? Clear sign of a man who wears their underpants on their head." On a more serious note, it clutters where one gives us the exact same tone.
Cheers, more for next time!
Hey mate! Let's have a look. Its too short to really be too certain so I suggest in the future making each chapter at least 1000 words long. That way we have something to read, something to suck us in and really immerse ourselves in.
Also I suggest taking your time to reread your work before you post and find all your spelling and paragraph mistakes, for example, “what’s with everyone this should be capitalised. while “CLEAR BELOW!” should have an exclaimation mark. These kind of things don't look good to a reader and may deter them in the future as it disturbs the flow of the reading. Also remember that for each new speaker to start a new fic.
Otherwise, it looks fairly interesting, if dialogue intensive. I've never read an OC fic set in the Star Village so you have uniqueness on your side. I also like the relationship between the brothers, but because of the lack of description I can't get a clear image in my head. Perhaps describe more, more about the scenery, what Kyro feels, what he sees, hears, his opinions, the families normal routine, history and relationships. Also why throwing kunai in the house. Try to keep a realistic view of things, where would that kunai go, and would his mother appreciate a hole in the wall? I also suggest reading lots of other fanfictions, I recommend Lost Souls, and that will help you improve heaps and quickly!
Cheers mate, welcome to the fandom and keep going. I look forward to the next installment.
Author's Response: as far as talking about the characters, my friend arconin has a story that this story came from. I helped him get ideas for alot of his story. ^_^ thx for the advice and ill be sure to lengthen the chapters a bit in the future.
I think it's pretty good. It makes you feel like you there because of the detail and it makes some funny jokes along the way. ^ ^