Okay, I don't like being mean or anything. This is constructive criticism. Don't take offense, I only wish to help.

1) You were constantly switching points of view for this. You went from third person, to first person, to second person and practically went around again.

2) The grammar and sentence structure in this was very weak. The lack of decent grammar made it hard to read. the lack of sentence structure made it hard to understand what was going on.

Again, I don't mean to be harsh or anything. What I did like about this story was the entire idea. Everything you had intended to write consisted of a great idea. You just need to improve on your writing. From the looks of it, you are a first-time writer, and I respect the fact that you want to post your writing. That takes courage, so I don't mean to be snooty or anything like that. I just want you to see your mistakes. Perhaps proofreading it a few times and reading it out loud would help. You could also even contact other writers, such as myself, on this site and ask them to beta (edit) for you. I do wish you the best for this story, so don't get discouraged after reading my review. I'm sorry if I offended you, I just want you to know that this can be improved.

Author's Response: i know that bt my brother put it up there