Real name: People call me BS irl. I kid you not. It's short for BigSister. You may also call me Bats, Batty or Batgirl if you prefer.
Membership status: Member
Member since: 26/03/11
Website: http://battybigsister.webs.com
Beta-reader: No
Because you're never too old for a good obsession... ;0)
Let's see: I'm in my twenties, live in Britain and have all the makings of an arrogant pretentious cow, but I'm not usually intentionally mean. If I come across as a bit too brusque at times then I'd like to apologize, because I didn't mean it that way at all. If I review for you and try to offer constructive criticism - then it's usually because I think you've got talent enough to be able to improve in that area and - much more crucially - because I actually liked your story. If I didn't I'd just hit the back button, so take heart from that even if I am once again being a cow. (Seriously, I try my hardest to watch what I say, but sometimes my underlying rotten personality just sneaks out on me.)
I also try to always do my best in my writing, so when I review I try to review in a way that I would most like to receive. That doesn't mean that I necessarily expect the same back from you. I'm grateful for anything someone who bothered to read my stories has to say, even if it I was just 'I liked this', because after all its great to know that you did. Don't you think?
My favourites things include: writing, reviews, computer games and animals; and you'll often see references to the last one in my writing - especially hamsters (I love my hamsters!) and cats (I come from a cat-crazy family). I also like grammar and drawing, but I'm not very good at either in my opinion.
Check out my website for more details on me and my stories. There are pictures, character bios and all sorts for those of you who are interested.
Something I never really went into on TONFA much before, but am now using more and more is this thing I dubbed "the review" form. It started out as something to help (lazy/busy) reviewers in SWB by giving them simple questions to answer, but gradually it's evolved into a nice easy scoring system that gives a good overview of different elements of a story or chapter and I've begun using it to review other people's story too.
Feel free to use it/something similar yourself if you like. I usually comment under every section, but don't feel like you have to do that. Just the scores is fine as well.
o/ Plot development? _/10
How the story is progressing. Do I thinking more could have been put/in left out? Is the story progressing too fast/slowly? Are event/explanations/etc being skipped that ought to have been explored in more depth? Does everything in it makes sense to me when I read it?
o/Use of characters? _/10
Are the characters (original & cannon) true to themselves? Are characters appearing in scenes, but adding nothing to the story? Is the author giving someone an excessive amount of 'airtime', which doesn't help with the plot or understanding the story)? Conversely are characters being neglected and aspects of their reactions being unnecessarily skipped over? Has someone failed to react to something that they really ought to have said more about?
o/ Description? _/10
Self-explanatory really. Did the author include description? Was there too much/too little of it? It it add value to the story? Did everything feel real and engaging or not?
o/ Inconsistencies with cannon plot? Characters in-character as regards to the original work? _/10
As specific to fanfiction - fanfiction stuff. Does the author show understanding of the established world & its occupants? Are there specific things that don't match up? Is the author flaming or misportraying a certain character?
o/ Overall quality of the writing? Easy to read? Grammar and Spelling? _/10
Basic literacy and quality of English used, as regards to how easy it is to read what has been published.
o/ Enjoyment? An engaging read? _/10
In the simplest terms: do I like what I'm reading? Is it entertaining? And can I connect with what was happening or not?
o/ Overall? _/10
And finally, an overall picture of what I thought of the chapter.
Rated: 15
[Reviews - 141]
Thanks to BattyBigSister for the wonderful banner!
She was running away.
Finally.
Finally, Suki Kurohoshi was running away from her village. The six-year-old was finally able to escape from her terrible life.
She was going to run as far as her legs could carry her. She was going to abandon a home that was never a home to begin with. She was going to leave behind villagers who hated her for a reason that she did not know of.
Yes, run away. That would solve all of her problems. In a perfect world, running away would be the answer to everything.
Unfortunately, this isn't a perfect world. And running away won't solve every problem.
You can run away from home, and you can run away from people you grew up with. But now Suki is going to realize that the one thing that no one can run away from... is destiny.
Category: OC-centric, General Fiction > Character-Centric, General Fiction > Naruto, Het Romance > Fluff, Alternate Universe & Crossovers > Minor AU
Characters: All, OC, Pair OCNaru
Genres: Action/Adventure, Drama, Fantasy, General, Humor, Romance, Spiritual
Warnings: AU, OOC
Challenge: None
Series: Destiny is Calling
Chapters: 14 | Completed: No | Word count: 79859 | Read count: 26481 [Report This]
Published: 27/11/10 | Updated: 17/01/12
Date: 07/08/11 Title: Chapter 11: For the First Time
You know, I deliberately saved this so I could read it later on the day when I had more time to enjoy it and now I'm cursing myself because I can't even think of how to formulate a proper review,,, I'm going to need a bit more time to get my brain in gear it seems...
I can tell you though that this was a truely amazing read. I never saw that plot twist at the end there... Poor Suki. I normally get bored of plot rewrites, but you did a really awesome job with this. It was brilliant and I loved it all! Wow...
Author's Response: Aw shucks! Your compliments always leave me all smiley and such :) That\'s alright about the review, I appreciate even these kind words :D I\'m so happy that you liked this! I know, I\'m so mean to Suki, between the murder attempt, her stressful life, and now Naruto, I\'m so evil... But anyways, I\'m really glad that you liked it! Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! You\'re so incredible!
Date: 14/12/11 Title: Chapter 12: Apologize
o/ Plot development? 9/10
Nothing too surprising in the way things played out, but it isn't really the kind of chapter where that is needed. Everything is thoroughly and very neatly underpinning and adding to what has gone before, as we delve deeper into Suki's heartbreak at the loss of her best friend and her initiation as a genin - which is precisely what was needed at this point in the plot. As usual you demonstrate a keen author's instincts and bucketloads of talent. Well done!
o/ Inconsistencies with cannon plot? Characters in-character and true to themselves? 10/10
Of course there are no problems here. You demonstrate your usual flawless knowledge of the Naruto world and its inhabitants. The only things that surprised were the fact that there are two girls on Suki's team as most of the Konoha ninja teams consist of two boys & a girl. Knowing you however, I strongly suspect that you had considered this and chose to be different on purpose. After all, there are other combinations in the Naruto cannon such as the older Ino-Shika-Cho team.
o/Use of characters? 10/10
Nothing to fault nor would I expect there to be. As always - you place every character into the story with expert precision and give them exactly the amount of time, depth and detail they require. There's never any playing 'favourites' or glossing over anyone you don't like much. Perfection.
o/ Description? 9/10
Nicely used and never overused. It's just enough to give your story flavour and depth, but not so much as to become bogged down in it. You're story reads as well as anything (and better than many) you'd find in a bookstore. Beautiful.
o/ Overall quality of the writing? Easy to read? Engaging? Grammar and Spelling? 10/10
Of course there are no problems here. You pay attention to your work and take your time over it and as a result it is as flawless as anyone has a right to expect.
o/ Enjoyment? 9/10 I would dearly love to give you a ten here, because this is a beautiful example of a technical 'filler' chapter designed to bring the story forwards in between the major events - but then it is a filler and we are going over the less exciting but necessary parts of the plot, including cannon scenes which your readers are highly familiar with. Don't get wrong - you did a beautiful job and made that scene your own - it was a real pleasure to read, but if I start handing out 10s like candy then they'll start to mean less.
o/ Overall? 10/10
A flawless, brilliant chapter: expertly constructed and laid out like a true professional as well as being highly engaging and fun to read. Great work!
Author's Response: Oh wow, I love this review format. It\'s very nice and very helpful :D
Yeah, this chapter was definitely a rather long-ish chapter filled with a plot that we already know about. That\'s why I tried throwing in some scenes with Suki, Kakashi, and Deno. I wanted to show Suki\'s heartbreak, Kakashi\'s concern, and Deno\'s relation to the Copy Ninja. I\'m so glad you liked it, considering about half of it was plot repeats.
Flawless knowledge? Haha, well, I wouldn\'t say that. I do try to make sure the cannon characters are true to their original forms, as I hate OOCness myself. Oh, you\'re the first to comment on the 1 boy/2 girl team makeup. I will tell you that it is on purpose; Haruki and Michiko aren\'t just there for show, they will play major roles in Suki\'s life ;)
Oh, I didn\'t even know something like this could be considered a category :P That makes sense though, and I\'m glad I was (surprisingly) able to deliver. I guess I never thought I would ever try to gloss over a character and emphasize more on someone else. I know that\'s not fair to the characters that Kishimoto-sensei created, and I could never dream of giving more depth to an OC over another. So I\'m glad this came out nicely.
Yes! The description was nice! I know that I sometimes don\'t give a scene everything it needs, so I\'m happy to hear this chapter was relatively nice in elaboration.
Well, even though I try with the proofreading and all, it\'s nice to see a 10. I know I do miss a couple things sometimes.
Ah, of course I\'m disappointed to not have a 10 for Enjoyment, but I wasn\'t expecting it for this chapter anyway :P You\'re right in saying it\'s a filler chapter, and when I actually think about it, having a 9 for a filler chapter is amazingly exciting! I understand your reasons; I don\'t want a plethora of 10s anyway. It won\'t help me improve :)
Heehee, a 10 overall though is really nice. Such nice compliments, thank you so much! And thanks a bunch for such a constructive review, this is very helpful and very well thought out. It\'ll really help me with my writing. Thanks for the awesome review, BattyBigSis, you\'re amazing!
Date: 14/12/11 Title: Chapter 13: I'll Make a Man Out of You
You know, something else I was going to mention in the 'Use of Characters' section of the last review: Kiba & Hinata. Am I correct in thinking that you were originally thinking of using them as Suki's team mates? I just wondered as you went to all the effort of introducing them in the earlier chapters. I'm sure you still have plans for them (which I look forward too), but I have to say I think it does work better with Suki now feeling very alone among her own age group after Naruto's loss.
o/ Plot development? 9/10
Progressing nicely. Still fairly predictable, although I loved the elimination/survival exam. I feel my stomach twist into knots sometimes when I can see a big cannon event looming over the horizon in a fanfic as I wait to see events I already know monotonously retold for me for the upteenth time, but this was nicely done and novel (which I need to remember to comment on below as well - because I liked that for cannon reasons too). The scavenger hunt was an interesting set-up, which was fun to read about and also gave the readers our first real insight into the different personalities of Tsuki's team mates. I like the way they seem to be mirroring Sasuke and Sakura a little too. I can't say I was surprised though when Suki pushed her team mates towards co-operation & thereby ensured a successful finish and resounding pass. The similarities with the ideals of Kakashi's test were so very prominent all the way through.
o/Use of characters? 10/10
We've seen a lot of Deno so it was good to explore the remaining team members in a little more depth. It was interesting to see how they mirror Team 7 with Haruki cut from a similar vein as Sasuke or Neji and little Michiko a firebrand who is as short-tempered and stubborn as Sakura or Kiba (although without Sakura's apparent academic skill), but with an equally good heart as either of those two. It adds a certain strange parallel to Suki's and Naruto's life that highlights their strong connection. This was a great insight into the newly established Team 9 and serves as a good foundation for their part in the later storyline. Excellent.
o/ Description? 10/10
Oh, this was beautiful - especially the opening. You painted such a lovely picture there. Throughout the rest, the usual brief one or two liners served masterfully to help the reader envision what was happening in the plot. Fantastic!
o/ Inconsistencies with cannon plot? Characters in-character and true to themselves? 9/10
You know, the one thing that bothers me there is why they were warned not to eat. Kakashi used the hunger of his genin as part of the test: it served as a punishment (for failure to complete the task) and also as the basis for the second part of the test (would you break the rules & care for a teammate who would be struggling to continue after no breakfast or lunch). This didn't seem to be a factor in Deno's version of the exam - and there was also a lack of anything extreme in the way of 'being whirled around' that would make you sick, so I was curious as to why you included that? Isn't it rather extraneous here?
I did however love the fact that you used a different style of test from the one employed by Kakashi - not least because it is strongly implied throughout the Naruto series that different instructors do use different tests (often the ones they faced themselves) and I'm always relieved when people pick up on those things. I can't say I was exactly worried about you specifically not picking up on something like that (this is after all the type of thing you're good at) - I think the dread is just automatic now and it is always a relief to see things properly thought through.
o/ Overall quality of the writing? Easy to read? Engaging? Grammar and Spelling? 10/10
Faultless as always, as near as i could tell. You don't have any problems here.
o/ Enjoyment? 9/10
I loved it. It was fun and well-written - what could be better?
o/ Overall? 9/10
A fun easy chapter and a great set-up for things to come. =0D
Author's Response: Hmm? Ah, no, I never planned on them being her teammates. OC teammates were planned from the beginning. Kiba and Hinata relate more to the friendship category; they also play a role in the romance part of the story. But that comes WAY later. But having them desert her so suddenly did help with the \'feeling alone\' part.
Yeah, predictable I suppose. In the sense that we know how it ends anyway. But this should be the last predictable chapter for a while; now that Suki has an OC team, things will be original ;) I\'m really glad you like the scavenger hunt. It was a big fear of mine that people would not like it or get confused or something. It also took a lot of imagination on my part because I tried making it unique while still sticking to the moral of the training: teamwork. Deno is Kakashi\'s old ANBU teammate, so they kind of think along the same lines in that respect. As for Haruki and Michiko, this was the first chance for me to illustrate their personalities and a bit of their abilities. I\'m happy they came out well.
Team 9 and Team 7 do have some striking similarities with one another. That is for a reason, slightly. But I don\'t want them to be exactly alike, obviously. It\'d be so unoriginal. Along the way, I\'ll obviously try to showcase their personalities a bit more and try to show that they\'re not exactly the same as Sasuke and Sakura. But they do purposely mirror Team 7. For parallel reasons, of course ;)
I am so excited to hear that the description is still going good. I did have a dip in my elaboration a few months back, so I\'m happy that it\'s getting better now.
Hmm.... you\'re right, I do apologize for the no-eating rule. I think I meant to make it implied that they were rather antsy with one another, since they had to work against one another. Hunger leads to irritation, but you\'re absolutely right in saying that I didn\'t use it at all... I\'m so sorry about that. That is my fault entirely... Oh, well, of course Deno would use a different test. My favorite idea of creating an OC team for Suki was being original, and the survival exam is a major part of that. The not-so-fun part was coming up with the guidelines and clues and such :P
Ah, that\'s nice to hear that my quality of writing is decent in this chapter :D
Yay! Accomplishment! You enjoyed it! Heck yeah!
I\'m glad you liked this chapter! It\'s so nice to hear your feedback again, I\'ve missed your critiques. I was worried when you weren\'t around to review Pirates of the Mist, I thought something had happened. Just computer issues, I suppose XP Glad to see you around! Thanks so much for the wonderful reviews and feedback! I appreciate every word of them. Thanks again, BattyBigSis, you\'re incredible!
Rated: 15
[Reviews - 102]
Thanks to BattyBigSister for the wonderful banner, and thanks to Sasaui Uchiha for help with the summary!
The Blue Tiger of the Mist has always tried to escape that awful history. Now suddenly, things that were meant to be left behind keep on reappearing.
Instead of being surrounded by the pirates of The Midnight Thief, shinobi of Konohagakure have taken their place. Memories and secrets from the past are returning, pushing for the heart. The snake man is once again on the hunt, searching for his prey. Leaving the crew to go to Konoha is suddenly bringing everything forward.
Will it be enough to crack the legendary captain of the renowned Blue Pirates?
Category: OC-centric, Alternate Universe & Crossovers > Crossovers, General Fiction > Naruto Shippuuden, Het Romance > Top Six Pairs > Naruto and Hinata
Characters: OC, Orochimaru, Sasuke Uchiha, Team Asuma, Team Gai, Team Kakashi, Team Kuranai, Tsunade
Genres: Action/Adventure, Drama, Humor, Romance
Warnings: AU, OOC
Challenge: None
Series: Hoist the Colors
Chapters: 13 | Completed: No | Word count: 77958 | Read count: 32581 [Report This]
Published: 18/12/10 | Updated: 14/04/12
Date: 16/12/11 Title: Chapter 9: Circus
Amazing! Kasumi and I appear to have similar goals in life at the moment. It seems like we both want a decent map of Konoha. I swear there used to be a decent map on Narutopeadia, but they appear to have discarded it for some reason and the only others ones I can find are either from computer games or clearly made up by roleplayers - and all far too simplistic for my purposes and missing half the landmarks I want...
Moving on... it's about time for the review, huh?
o/ Plot development? 10/10
Now this is what I'm talking about. Very interesting plot progression and I really can never guess what'll happen in the next chapter.
Something I would want to warn you about here is when Kasumi is hinting about how the Blue Pirates have more 'integrity' than Naruto's giving them credit for. I don't doubt they do, but please remember you've already established, repeatedly, that they attack ships and harbours without mercy and kill even the most innocent civilians. Don't get caught in the trap of suddenly re-casting them as 'bad guys with a heart of gold' against all evidence to the contrary. I'm not saying you were going to, but I see too many authors - not just in fanfiction - fall into that trap as they start to bond more with the characters, so I just wanted to add a word of caution. You've established them as ruthless killers and you should try and keep that element to them. They may not be all bad and they may have good reason for much of what they do - but the fact remains they are prepared to slaughter innocent civilians to achieve those ends. Changing that now would just undermine their credibility as characters.
Again not a criticism, but just something that intrigued me was the way Masaru remembers seeing Kasumi as a fragile girl on the day he was recruited. It surprised me that he would want to serve under her if that was his impression of her. I look forward to seeing where this leads! (I still love MasaruxKasumi.)
I also loved his wind jutsu by the way. The fact that it was a wolf made me smile as well.
o/Use of characters? 10/10
Why I even keep this section in, when I know it's not going to be a problem for you is beyond me, but yes - everything was perfect as usual.
o/ Description? 9/10
This was a hard one to call. Some bits were a definite 10, like that stuff about the blood and water when Kasumi was in the forest. There was also the way you brought out Sai's fake-looking smile expression that just really brought it to life for me and made me able to just picture it in my memory - especially with the way you described the eyes. That was great! Other parts, while still great and well-written didn't stand out to me as much. So I gave you a nine as it's something to work on.
o/ Inconsistencies with cannon plot? Characters in-character as regards to the original work? 8/10
It's Naruto who lets you down here. I think you've mentioned before that you have a problem writing his older self. He would be perfectly in-character for his 13-year old self, but at 15/16 he's matured a little bit more. I used to struggle a bit with this too in the early part of SWB (the fact that I was watching a lot of the earlier series at the time didn't help). He would probably whine about her being late - but he probably wouldn't hurl insults at her for criticism he knows is justified. At most it would probably just be muttered comment about how he 'was having an off-day' or 'he'll get her next time'. Same with the random name-calling later on, I doubt he'd do that - unless he was particularly incensed about the carnage she caused among the civilians in the Land of Waves, in which case I think a reference to that outrage might help tie that behaviour in better. The older Naruto is more grounded and focused on right and wrong and the bad things that happen and hurt caused because of blind hatred and desire for revenge, so if I had to give advice it would be to try and include more of that.
o/ Overall quality of the writing? Easy to read? Grammar and Spelling? 9/10
A couple of linguistic notes here. I noticed at least one of the paragraphs in the Sai&Kasumi fight had every sentence starting with the same word, which made it sound a little stilted, and - I will mention this, but frankly you can feel free to ignore it because even I find it pedantic & not always helpful in getting your work to sound right - there were a few sentences starting with the word 'but' throughout.
o/ Enjoyment? An engaging read? 10/10
Absolutely loved it! It was exciting, engaging and a thoroughly entertaining read. The thing about 'a pirate captain needing to be a little diabolical' actually made me laugh out loud and the fights were fantastic and well-written. I was hooked the whole way through.
o/ Overall? 10/10
Fantastic chapter. Real stellar work. I loved every minute.
Author's Response: Oh, that sucks. I\'m sorry you haven\'t found a map of Konoha. I don\'t even think I\'ve ever seen a decent one, so I\'m sorry I can\'t help you with that :(
Great! That\'s my goal in this story, to keep my readers guessing! Hmm, I can definitely understand where you coming from the \'integrity\' thing. I know exactly what you mean, for I have seen that happen in stories as well. I don\'t intend on portraying the Blue Pirates with hearts of gold or anything of the sort, but I do intend on bringing about their original personalities, before they were pirates, so that we see some characterization. Thanks for the word of caution though, I\'ll definitely try to steer away from that with renewed vigor :D Ah, hehe, Masaru recalls the first day he met Kasumi, which was when she was a fragile little girl. As for serving under her as her first mate, well, that explanation will be coming in the next couple chapters. A lot of important things from the past will be revealed, so don\'t worry ;) Haha, a wind jutsu in the form of a wolf, did you honestly expect any less from me? XD
Sweetness! I didn\'t know I was considered perfect in this category, so that\'s an awesome compliment to hear!
Aww, my inconsistency with description is a problem, I see... Well, that\'s so disappointing yet helpful to hear. I\'ll definitely try harder, thanks for telling me about that.
Oh my god, I didn\'t realize I had butchered him so badly! I can\'t believe I did that, I did the main character of the manga no justice at all! *sigh* I\'m so upset with myself... Darn... Thanks so much for telling me about this, I\'ll definitely try harder to write him correctly in his next appearance.
Hmm, I never noticed any of that before... I usually pay attention to the beginning of my sentences; I can\'t believe it didn\'t turn out as well. Yeesh, I must have been in a sloppy mood when I wrote this chapter...
Yay! I\'m glad you enjoyed reading this! Even with all the inconsistencies in this installment, I\'m so happy you still liked it! Especially with the fights, since it was ridiculously hard to write some of those battles... Thanks so much for reading this! I really appreciate this honest critique, I shall use this to pump myself up when writing the next chapter! Thanks again for reading and reviewing, you\'re amazing, Batty-Onee-san!
Date: 02/05/11 Title: Chapter 1: The Blue Pirates
Oh, the beginning's really good. Very dramatic and I love the imagery with the tidal waves and everything. I could just see it all so clearly in my head - and you kept that up throughout the chapter which was nice. I loved your writing style in this. Your narrative voice sounded a little like Kishimoto-sensei/the Naruto anime and your presentation and use of characters resembled them a little too. The plotline was breathtaking. I was on the edge of my seat. Pirates may have been done before from time to time, but I've yet to see anything done this well. This a very original idea in many ways and I love it. I also love the fact that its based in the Naruto-world as is. It gives it a feel as if it could really happen there. This has the promise of being a really exciting story and I can't wait to see where you take it.
Author's Response: Ah! Oh my gosh, you are so nice. I am so happy to hear everything you had to say. It was such a confidence booster. I\'m so glad to hear that my writing was nice, and to hear that you love my writing style... best news ever! I am just so flattered at your words. I am so overjoyed that you love this idea. You are a very kind reviewer, thank you so much! I can\'t thank you enough for your words of kindness. Thank you for reading this story, and thank you even more for reviewing with such nice insight. You\'re an awesome reader and reviewer!
Date: 02/05/11 Title: Chapter 2: New Mission! Teams Kakashi and Kurenai Deployed!
Hehehee. I agree completely with your opinion of Sai's clothing. Every time I see him I find myself thinking, "You should go give that girl her top back and get a proper shirt." This chapter was also very good. You've kept everyone brilliantly in character and all the scenes played out very realistically. I liked the fight scene. You thought of some interesting moves and used them well. It was fun to see them keep the leaf shinobi on their toes. Great work!
Author's Response: I know, right! Sai needs to get a whole new wardrobe, seriously. And hooray! I\'m glad to hear that the characters kept close to their personalities. And I\'m really happy that you liked the fight scene. I sometimes have trouble with those. Thank you so much for your support, it is really motivating to read your reviews! Thank you so much for reading this, and thank you even more for reviewing! I really appreciate your words of encouragement!
Date: 02/05/11 Title: Chapter 3: Two Totally Different Plans
Now there's an exciting turn of events! The second part of this chapter especially was fascinating. I'm beginning to love the interplay between the pirates too. I hope the Leaf Ninja can foil his plans at least a little in the upcoming battle...
Author's Response: Oh, you gotta love the plot twists :D I hope this chapter provided some interesting development for you. I am glad to hear you love the interactions between the pirates. As for the upcoming battle... nah, I won\'t spoil it for you. Just go ahead and read on!
Date: 03/05/11 Title: Chapter 4: Rematch! Pirates versus Ninjas!
Wow! This was a fantastic chapter. This was full of nice description and the action was awesome! The fight-scenes were incredible - everything just played out so well.. It was like reading a proper Naruto episode. All the jutsu were really well thought out. It was amazing! And - yes - the plot twists were awesome. You kept me fascinated the whole way through. Lovely chapter.
Author's Response: Oh my gosh, I\'m so happy! This was such a positive review. Thank you for liking the action and fight scenes. I\'m so flattered to hear that you thought it was like a real Naruto episode. And I\'m glad to hear you liked the plot twists. I\'m quite proud of those myself. I\'m very excited that you enjoyed this chapter, it makes me feel great to know that my readers enjoy my stories! Thank you so much for continuing to read this, and thank you even more for continuing to review it! You\'re awesome!
Date: 04/05/11 Title: Chapter 5: Waking Up In Vegas
I liked the description in this. You give a very detailed sense of what's happen around the characters. I think you've actually developed and improved your style from the earlier chapters, giving it a much nicer flow and much more polished feeling that I must admit I really like. You really sound like an author here (and you were good before). You keep the reader's feelings moving along with your main character - as I read I can really take in and absorb her experiences and feelings throughout the chapter and you reflected those changing moods well in your writing. This was a really nice piece of writing. I think perhaps even one of your best yet. I loved it and please keep up the good work!
Author's Response: *sniffle* Oh my goodness... You just made me cry. I\'m not even kidding. Seriously, you really made me feel good. I\'m so thrilled to hear that I improved in my writing style. And you said I sound like an author. No one\'s ever actually said that, so thank you. You really know how to make a girl feel good about herself, especially since my life pretty much sucks right now. I feel even prouder about this chapter because you say it is one of my best yet. Thank you so much for the kind review, I appreciate your feedback a lot. Thank you for reading and thank you even more for reviewing with such wonderful thoughts! You\'re amazing!
Date: 08/05/11 Title: Chapter 6: Reformation Begins Now!
Lee and Might Guy on her first day - poor girl! I was giggling right the way through the first part of this chapter. It was well-written and really funny. Although it was interesting as things gradually got darker again further on - until we ended up with Sakuke and Orochimaru and a real sense of foreboding. Loved it. I do think somebody needs to re-explain the mission parameters to Neji though. He's meant to be teaching her good manners. How is he planning to do that by being rude to her? This was a great chapter - well written, as always, and extremely enjoyable. Loved it!
Author's Response: I know, I was so cruel to Kasumi to do that to her. I\'m glad you found this one funny, that\'s what it was meant for :D And yes, I had to add some kind of depth to it, otherwise it would just be redundant. What better way to make the plot even darker than with Sasuke and Orochimaru? Neji was being rude to Kasumi in a way to break her so that she would be accepting of her life as a prisoner. Actually, thanks for pointing that out, I\'ll have to go put that in. Thank you for enjoying this chapter. Your reviews continue to inspire me. Thank you so much for the support!
Date: 08/05/11 Title: Chapter 7: Pirates Will Be Pirates
Kiba or Masaru as her romantic partner? I'm surprised, my money was on Sasuke (as she's very similar to him) or Neji (as they get along so 'brilliantly'). Any of those would be good though... and romantic feelings from the co-captain towards his younger captain would be an interesting twist - even if she ends up with someone else. I think this is an amazing story, so please don't worry so much. Re-thinking things during a break from writing is pretty normal. Just take the best bits from all your ideas and weave them into the plot until you've got something you're happy with - a lot of stories evolve as they are written. There's no need to stick religiously to your original outline just because that's how you started out. So long as you can bring everything to a decent conclusion, it's fine - even if said finish is deliberately inconclusive... I will vote for a happy ending though, if I've got the choice - but it doesn't need to all be sugary and perfect if you don't feel that's appropriate, just go with what you feel works best when you're writing it. You've got a lot of talent and a good head for writing so I know you'll pick the best choice on your own. This was a really good chapter too. Our little pirate captain really stood out as being very, very intelligent (and just a little kindhearted) during her interactions with the other ninja early on in the chapter, which created a nice contrast with her losing it later on and becoming drowned in unwelcome memories and going into a murderous rage. The flashback scene was especially interesting as it's starting to show us more about the person she is and her past. Beautiful timing for that too as it was not too early in the story and yet not too late. It was great to get some more insight into the other pirates as well as we haven't had many scenes that showed them in detail. You've created some very interesting characters there and it was great to see more than just their battle moves (although those are awesome). Fantastic story - please keep up the good work!
Author's Response: Oh man, thanks for such a long review! Sasuke or Neji.... I\'ll have to keep those guys in mind, considering I still haven\'t chosen anyone for romance yet. Or maybe none at all, I don\'t know. And wow, thank you so much for the encouragement and compliments. I\'m glad to hear that I\'m not losing my touch just because I can\'t think of an ending for this story. It really means a lot to hear your words of wisdom; they are really motivating and very inspiring to me. I\'m also very flattered that you think so highly of me as a writer. I\'m honestly very surprised, but I\'m very grateful to you and the motivation you give me. I\'m glad you enjoyed this chapter so much. Thank you very much for all the support you have shown this story. Thank you for reading, and thank you even more for reviewing every chapter and sharing your wonderful insight. I appreciate everything you have said. Again, thanks so much! You\'re an awesome reviewer!
Date: 09/07/11 Title: Chapter 8: Secrets
Okay then, milady, I shall do my best to actually review this time. (I was tired last time I read this, so I decided to wait till morning when I could do it justice... and then I was really sick all day long. Not fun.)
Oh yes, an additional note. The person who 'steers' (don't use 'drive' in regards to a sailing vessel if you can avoid it. That's for land vehicles only) is called a 'helmsman' (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helmsman ). Definitely never a 'driver'. The second in command is called the 'First Mate' (although I believe you've made Masaru a full 'captain' albeit under Kasumi, but I figured you might still have use for the term). Occasionally long-time seafaring members of the crew might use the term 'Skipper' (or the very informal abbreviation of 'Skip'), but only if they have a very close relationship with the captain in question. I live near a major naval port. This kind of stuff gets drilled into you very young around here. (In case you find it useful - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glossary_of_nautical_terms)
I love how worried Masaru is in the first scene. It's adorable. Definitely potential romance in there. I still think he's an ideal candidate for the third wheel in a Kasumi love triangle, if you end up going there, and you've brought that out nicely. The sky/ocean thing was such a beautiful metaphor as well. It really fitted them. I also loved the colours in your descriptions in that scene. It really brought the ocean and the sky to life for me.
Neji's clearly made an impression, I see, and Kiba's off to a good start too. He's rather adorable with her. Kasumi on the other hand was on top form and extremely funny, which I really enjoyed.... and, as for the cannon characters, well... I was extremely proud of you for the way you wrote them in this chapter. I really was. You demonstrated a thorough understanding of each and every single one of them as Kazumi interacted with them and you continued to show that time and time again right the way through the chapter. It was really nicely done. It really was and you brought out those personalities not only accurately but with a termendous amount of pulling-power. The whole way through I did not stop feeling the character's thought and feelings and laughing with them, feeling sad for them or cringing on their behalf. Really amazing writing.
The whole psychology of the second scene was nicely handled too. Even the way she made sure Team Kurenai failed to realise that she did mean her first set of compliments and the way she then twisted that around on them to be 'helpful' and by it hurtful. She could see both their strengths and their weaknesses and used that against them. A terrific ploy and fantastic to read. Lovely depth to it too.
(Oh, and please let Demon Fox know I think she's a genius. If was left up to some one like me I would have just had them repairing the training grounds for a day or something. Seriously. With the amount of destruction one jutsu can cause - I seriously pity whoever does get stuck with that job.) Kasumi then goes on to demonstrate yet again what a really clever manipulator (& secretly-kind person) she is, when she gets Hinata to stand up for herself and show some backbone, in a scene that I also loved for the great background description and attention to detail. Tsunade, of course, was brilliant and so Tsunade-ish, including her blind faith in Naruto. It was really lovely.
The pirates, of course, were amazing - so full of colour and character. You brought them to life so well. I adore your pirates scenes and I swear this was one of the best yet. They were so funny and such a clash of so many different personalities. It was really fantastic and probably one of my favourite bits of the whole chapter. The poker game and the girl talk. All of it was just such a mix of vibrant different scenarios... it was really amazing and just so prefect for pirates. Lovely writing. (Btw, the idea that boys are only good for target practice is one I utterly agree with. Nah - that really made me laugh though.)
I take my hat off to you, girlie - or I would if I was wearing one - that was an incredible chapter. I seriously wonder if I could manage anything as good for SWB. Well done.
Author's Response: Aw, sorry to hear you were sick. I hope you feel better.
*facepalm* I knew that I was totally screwing up all the names, they seemed to fit right, no wonder. Duh! Ugh, I feel dumb now :P Thank you so much for the tip, I\'ll work on fixing those errors, and hopefully I\'ll remember to use them next time.
Aha! I\'m glad you picked up on the romance situation. I won\'t outright give away who the pairing is, but I\'m dropping hints here and there to make it a slow progression. I\'m also glad the description affected you so much. And here I thought it would just get passed over, thanks for noticing all those little details. Especially the metaphor, I personally loved that too, so I\'m glad others did as well :D
Yeah, Neji has quite affected her... not in a positive way either. Kiba... almost the same thing, I suppose. But I\'ll agree with you that Kiba is adorable with Kasumi.... that could be due mostly to him, if you know what I mean ;) Ah, I\'m glad Kasumi stood out with a humorous side this time. I thought it would be nice to see a different side of her. Aw, you\'re proud of me? Yay! What with the different pasts and characterizations for each person, I was afraid it was just a whole lot of blabbering on about useless stuff. So I\'m even happier to know it helped make the chapter that much more enjoyable :D Thank you so much for complimenting my writing!
Wow, how insightful you are! You totally got the whole complimenting thing and actually explained it in a whole lot simpler way than I would have, honestly. Yeah, that\'s basically how it went, so I\'m happy to know everything in that scene went especially well XD
Demon Fox is currently crying tears of joy and gratitude in response to your comment of how she is a genius. Her exact words: \'Thanks a bunch! You\'re amazing! You rock!\' You just made an eleven-year-old very happy ;D
Haha, I couldn\'t write a chapter with Kasumi and not make her out to be a manipulator of some kind. And we also get to see how kind she can be. And last but not least, how she irks Tsunade oh so much. But of course, Tsunade must have her undying faith in Naruto. That\'s a given ;)
Honestly, bringing life to my pirates has become quite fun for me, so I\'m glad it is fun for you to read. This particular scene was fun, just because it was nice to see the pirates in different setting: normal life as a Blue Pirate. I\'m so glad you enjoyed it. Haha... target practice, it just seemed so fitting at the time ;)
Thank you so much for the amazingly thought-out review! Your compliments seriously motivate me to keep going. I\'m glad you liked this so much. Oh, and don\'t say that about SWB. That entire story is great, and it\'s on its way to even greater... greatness (sorry, I\'m running out of adjectives). But thank you for reading this and sharing your wonderful thoughts! I really appreciate it! You\'re an awesome reader, reviewer, supporter, fan, whatever, you\'re just awesome!
Date: 09/07/11 Title: Chapter 1: The Blue Pirates
Well, I couldn't agree more with shadow - about you anyway, silverwolf - but then I've been saying the same kind of stuff for ages anyway. Glad he found my review so helpful...
(And Shadow, Urufu is japanese for wolf ;0) )
Author's Response: Ah, you have definitely been saying the same type of thing for ages. I\'m still not sure why, honestly.... But I\'m always grateful for your wonderful supporting words. Thank you, as always, for such motivating and encouraging words. You really are a great person, even if you try to deny it ;)
Date: 02/01/14 Title: Chapter 13: How Far We've Come
You know, reviewing almost two years late doesn't really give me much scope for excuses, but I guess I was facing a bit of an internal struggle with some of the subject matter. It was only about two or three years before that I'd had my last major bout of suicidal depression when I was at my worst physical health-wise and facing potentially becoming homeless (Hah, I've now said that publicly. Yay for me. =0/ But seriously I think you deserved to know that it was nothing with the story itself or whatever), so I think some wounds possibly weren't quite closed enough for me to face the kind of in-depth analysis I needed to do for a review. (I was fine reading this and am fine normally - don't worry. It was just facing the idea of such intense analysis that had me kinda... yeah...) I also appreciate that you probably needed this review more two years ago, especially as - I don't know unfortunately but - I suspect this may have been the story that you and shadow fell out about.
That said, the sheer guilt of not having reviewed kept me thinking about this review for almost two years - and I really felt I had some important points to make that would be important for you to consider in your writing even though you abandoned this particular story itself - so if you don't mind I'm just going to rush through my thoughts without rereading the chapter or anything because if I do that we may be waiting another couple of years until I can face writing this all down again. ///
First of all, I have to say that actually I thought you handled the scene where Kasumi tried to take her life very well. I also thought that you handled Masaru's reaction to what he was witnessing superbly. I could tell that you had thought a lot about this crucial turning point in their relationship and how it would have affected both of them and this really showed. I also really saw for the first time why Masaru was a potential romance option for Kasumi and this may have been the point where I really started to ship that pairing. It was really nicely written pivotal scene.
That said, I also got the feeling that you had also gotten so caught up in the magic of this particular moment between them that you probably forgot to really register how revealing that scene would register with the other characters as opposed to just it's impact on the plot and upon the readers. To be honest I think this happens at least once in the learning curve of every good writer and is really common, especially in the beginning and when they first start to enjoy their own work with other people as opposed to slaving away at it and fretting over every last sentence privately.
We talked repeatedly about how the Blue Pirates are very 'bad-ass' characters with no mushy elements, haven't we? Well, to characters like that Masaru's revelation isn't so much about his ability to be much-needed emotional support for their captain - but about their captain's weakness. To be in charge of people like that she needs to be this untouchable, infallible, ruthless figure of authority and instead Masaru's effectively shown her as this wounded little girl; exactly the opposite of the kind of leader a bunch of brigands would want to follow. The net result would probably not only cost Masaru his authority over the other pirates, but Kasumi too: in that I would almost expect them to just ditch the plan, maroon Masaru on a rock somewhere, abandon Kasumi to Konoha, and sail off.
Now that could be a great story too admittedly, but it wasn't the one you were trying to tell. If I were writing this I would probably have had Masaru relive the whole meeting as some kind of flash-back scene and have him come up with either some other story to tell them or even just have him get really brusque and yell at them about how 'the captain's business is none of theirs and neither are her reasons for choosing a first mate', before having him suggest that authority compromise thing you came up with. So long as her authority is beyond question that could work, because her authority is reinforcing his, but a bunch of badder than bad pirates simply won't follow a weak leader normally - let alone two.
Leaving all that aside, actually having Masaru himself unable to keep control of the other pirates was a truly fantastic piece of character development. Two strong captains would probably have been boring. You were absolutely right; he needed to be very different from Kasumi and maybe not excel at what she excels at. This was also an excellent way to keep scenes back on the ship interesting. Too many poorer authors I know would have just added pointless dialogue or something and most people would have started skipping the lot when they read on through the chapter. You didn't do that at all and that's a great thing.
Overall, as I said, most of this part of the story was great. Yes, you got a little carried away by the Masaru/Kasumi scene - but as I said every writer has done something similar to that at some point in their writing career, including me. It's part of learning to write. I have also said characters such as the Blue Pirates are among the hardest to write well. Keeping people bad (especially without making them cardboard and stale) is far from easy. There is something very human about empathy and it makes it harder to keep identifying with characters who have less of it. Up until this point you did splendidly with the crew and, yes there may have been a little blip here, but this is definitely something you can learn from to keep on improving your writing - and the point has always been that you have enough talent to recognise what has been said and learn from it, which cannot be said about every writer. Good luck with the re-write!
Rated: 15
[Reviews - 17]
Thanks to BattyBigSister for the wonderful banner!
Nothing more.
But what happens when the Hokage and Kazekage issue a marriage between the Leaf and the Sand? Can Shikamaru and Temari learn to deal with each other as husband and wife?
One thing's for sure. Whoever said friends can't be a couple... was completely right.
Category: General Fiction > Post-Naruto, Het Romance > Top Six Pairs > Shikamaru and Temari
Characters: Chouji Akimichi, Gaara, Ino Yamanaka, Kankurou, Naruto Uzumaki, Pair ShikaTema, Sakura Haruno, Tsunade
Genres: Drama, Humor, Romance
Warnings: OOC, Sexual Themes
Challenge: None
Series: None
Chapters: 2 | Completed: No | Word count: 4012 | Read count: 3910 [Report This]
Published: 11/03/11 | Updated: 02/10/11
Date: 30/09/11 Title: Chapter 1: The Mission
I enjoyed this. It seemed not only longer, but also more thought out than before the re-write, which was good; things like the reason for the mistrust in the alliance were much better explained. I liked the description, especially in the beginning and you've certainly chosen an... interesting outfit for Temari. Very cute. You overused the word 'gates' in the conversation between her and Shikamaru, which made the conversation a little stilted, but other than that this was great. I do love this story.
Author's Response: Yay! I\'m glad you liked this one better. That\'s what I was aiming for ;) Now that I\'ve started the rewrite, I know what I want from this story now, so I\'m happy that it\'s all coming out the way I wanted so far :) I\'m glad you liked the description, as I was trying to redeem myself for such an awful one-shot. Haha, Temari\'s outfit is actually something I saw her in a picture in. I may have to post it for a better image for the readers. Yeah, I realized I used \'gates\' a lot; I have to get around to fixing that. But I\'m still really happy you liked the way this first chapter came out! Thank you very much for reading this, and thanks even more such positive feedback. It makes my day! Thanks again, BattyBigSis!
Date: 03/10/11 Title: Chapter 2: Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)
Interesting. You'd think they'd bring over a few of Temari's aquaintances from Suna though to be bridesmaids as well. Makes it more 'believable', as a real wedding... and to be honest you'd have thought Choji is due a bigger reaction about not being best man, all things considered...
There were a few mistakes here and there, but otherwise large parts of this were really funny and I enkoyed it.
Author's Response: Eh, I\'ll admit to being a bit lazy in wanting to make OCs for this story. But I also think that Temari is naturally closer with the Konoha kunoichi. I don\'t know, I guess that\'s just how I feel. And you\'re right about the Chouji and the best man thing. Shikamaru never actually \'mentioned\' it, but it was implied while they were busy eating lunch. That kind of nitty-gritty stuff is expressed in the next chapter; it was going to be in this chapter, but I felt this was long enough as it is for now. But other than all that, I\'m glad you enjoyed it. Thanks a lot, BattyBigSis! I appreciate your feedback very much!
Date: 08/10/11 Title: Chapter 1: The Mission
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v376/BattyBigSister/Banners/BeazysBannerSW1213-AMoMbanner.png
My computer and your website forums don't seem to want to be friends today, so I thought I'd go and give you this the old fashioned way. ;0) Hope you like it!
Author's Response: :D Ah, shucks, BattyBigSis, you didn\'t have to make me another banner. I\'m always honored when you do though, I they\'re always so awesome! Thank you very much, I love the creativity. Thanks a bunch, you\'re amazing!
Rated: U
[Reviews - 35]Now with furry animals, the Akatsuki embark on the one mission S-ranked criminals might not be able to handle: eachother in chat rooms.
In response to AkatsukiLemonLover23 's challenge.
Category: MadFic > Parody, MadFic > Script Fic, MadFic > Other
Characters: Akatsuki
Genres: Parody
Warnings: None
Challenges: , MAKE A KATSUKI CHATROOM
Challenge: , MAKE A KATSUKI CHATROOM
Series: None
Chapters: 11 | Completed: No | Word count: 6610 | Read count: 14178 [Report This]
Published: 19/03/11 | Updated: 09/10/11
Date: 02/07/11 Title: Chapter 1: Numero Uno
They have GPS on their computers? Really? Interesting idea -- and very funny.
Author's Response: ...Maybe?\r\n\r\nI don\'t know, maybe there are tiny little villages of computer shinobi in there as well? XD\r\n\r\nThanks for the review Onee San ^-^
Rated: 18
[Reviews - 51]Warning, there may be graphic lemons.
Category: OC-centric, Het Romance > Angst
Characters: Gaara
Genres: Romance
Warnings: Sexual Themes
Challenge: None
Series: None
Chapters: 52 | Completed: Yes | Word count: 42271 | Read count: 15789 [Report This]
Published: 06/04/11 | Updated: 07/06/11
Date: 07/04/11 Title: Chapter 1: Character Info
Interesting, although I do feel like you've given away a lot of the plot by doing this right at the start of your story.
Author's Response: not all of it though. just a little info. not near as much as when you get deeper into the story.
Date: 07/04/11 Title: Chapter 2: Chapter 1: Feelings
How very... dramatic. That said you have an interesting way of writing. Personally I'd like a little more detail here and there, but what you do put down is very good and almost poetic.
Author's Response: the lack of some detail was done purposefully, for effect. thank you for reviewing.
Date: 07/04/11 Title: Chapter 3: Chapter 2: Welcome to Paradise
Ominous. This was very interesting. A little less lyrical than the last chapter, but a little more in depth for it which was just as pleasant. You seem to have created an interesting band of characters. I'm intrigued to know what you do with them.
Author's Response: Thanx 4 all of your reviews, and i would like to thank you for your feedback, but there is more to the story than meets the eye, do not doubt me. JK. LOL.
Date: 08/04/11 Title: Chapter 4: Chapter 3: Bad News
Well. That was sweet of her. It's nice to see you're starting to build some more depth into this story too. Nice work. ;0)
Author's Response: Thanx. :)
Rated: U
[Reviews - 12]Understatement of the year.
And now Shikamaru has to find Temari before the time is up and the serial killer does what they all do in the end; dispose of the body
All Shikamaru can do is hope he gets there in time.
Category: General Fiction > Naruto, General Fiction > Timeskip, General Fiction > Naruto Shippuuden, General Fiction > Timeless, Het Romance > Top Six Pairs > Shikamaru and Temari
Characters: Pair ShikaTema
Genres: None
Warnings: None
Challenge: None
Series: None
Chapters: 5 | Completed: No | Word count: 3791 | Read count: 16195 [Report This]
Published: 24/04/11 | Updated: 09/10/11
Date: 07/07/11 Title: Chapter 1: Goodbye
You know I'd love to know what actually happens at the beginning here. Any chance of a re-write? You posting a brief summary? Something like that?
Author's Response: I\'m sorry, I\'m not sure I know what you mean. Do you mean a story summary? I have one of those up already. What needs clarification? What needs to be re-written? I\'d be glad to make corrections, I always love to make things better, but I\'m not sure I know what you mean.
Date: 07/07/11 Title: Chapter 2: Temari Day 3 Part One
Yes, it's Batty O'Nee-san again. Now then, that was a lovely charactisation of Temari. You really got her essence down perfectly. This was an interesting study of her and her feelings for her brothers and also for Konoha and Shikamaru and then it came with an interesting plot twist right at the end which spiced things up.
There were a few minor inconsistencies in the details. You made it sound like only 2 days fom Konoha to Suna near the start, then later (correctly) mentioned 3 and at another point you talked about Kankurou standing in his younger siblings shadow, when Temari is older than him.
Otherwise this was well-written and a lovely chapter. I enjoyed it.
Author's Response: Thank you so much for your reviews. I love the chance to make my work better. I really sincerely appreciate your help. Thank you.\r\n\r\nOne question: I always thought that Kankuro was the older sibling. I couldn\'t find it in the manga, so I asked a few of my friends and they all said that Temari was younger. Are you sure that she is older?
Date: 07/07/11 Title: Chapter 3: Shikamaru Day 4 Part One
Spelling, Glomp-chan honey. It's my bug-bear too, but I'm obliged to point out that I've noticed a few typos here and there.
This was really good. The whole scene was really intense and hectic, in line with the feeling of the action. You got a real sense of Shikamaru's worry. The set-up was nice too. Very like his old mission in the plot/filler. A really great chapter.
Author's Response: Typo\'s? Really? I read through it twice. Eep!\r\n\r\nCould you point them out for me? I guess I didn\'t do as much proof reading as I thought I had done.