Announcer:
(Orochimaru walks into spotlight in front of logo)
Orochimaru: That’s right kiddies, I’m taking over this series now. I’m going to flooding your fanfiction archive with endless streams of C-SPAN until your fangirls give your precious Sasuke-kun to me!
(evil laugh)
Orochimaru: I demand at least one fanfic where I actually get that angsty little nihilist’s body, or ELSE!!
(Knight enters spotlight, trout in hand)
Orochimaru: What the?! Who are you?
Knight: FOR GREAT JUSTICE!
(Knight slaps Orochimaru in the face with trout)
Orochimaru: Oh, I’m going to shove that internet meme right up your…
Knight: Anonymous is legion! Anonymous does not forgive!
(Knight runs off, amidst sound of clanking plate mail armor)
Orochimaru: Okay, Mr. Silent Witness, come down out of the clouds. I know you’re behind this.
Writer: Quit breaking the fourth wall!
Orochimaru: Listen, I had a talk with Naruto back stage. It seems you’ve been making a string of very bad jokes lately. And now recycling not one, but two old internet memes in the same gag! I’m taking over this series from you, and am going to use it-
Writer: Yeah, yeah, we know, you want Sasuke’s body. *snickers*
Orochimaru: It’s not like that, honest!
Writer: Yeah right, and I’m sure you’ve dated lots of women too.
Orochimaru: I have too!
Writer: Names and phone numbers or I call bullshit.
Orochimaru: Well, err…you see, um…yeah, well…Oh screw it. I’m taking over this series anyway!
Writer: One last question.
Orochimaru: What’s that?
Writer: Did he mention anything about this?!
(Sixteen ton weight drops from the sky, crushing Orochimaru and his ambitions)
Writer: Right. Now where was I? Oh yes, now I remember!
(Writer grabs television remote)
Writer: Time to change the channel!
(A buzz of static, and the scene suddenly changes to a competitive sporting event. Thousands of eager fans sit in the bleachers of the arena. Naruto, Rock Lee, and Orochimaru sit at a judges table, diligently waiting for the start of the event. The scene flashes to the sports broadcaster’s box, where Shikamaru and Neji sit.)
Neji: Evening sports fans! Welcome all to this salacious duel of fates, the First Annual Emo Duel! That’s right, sports fans! Nowhere else will you find completely pathetic, angsty nihilists duking it out over who hates themselves more! Isn’t that right, Shikamaru?
Shikamaru: Yeah, whatever. I’m only here because the writer threatened me at gunpoint.
Neji: What was that? I’m sorry, but I couldn’t hear you.
Shikamaru: Nothing. So who are the competitors this year?
Neji: Thank you so much for asking, Shika. In the blue corner, we have Konoha’s very own Ice Prince, Uchiha Sasuke!
Shika: Tch, he’s sitting in his corner brooding over Itachi as usual. He’s someone who takes being emo really professionally, whether he’s in the ring or not.
Neji: Indeed.
Shika: I could never be emo.
Neji: Why is that, Shika?
Shika: Not enough motivation.
Neji: You are a sad and pathetic man.
Shika: I’m sorry, but I didn’t want to make the effort to listen.
Neji: Anyway, in the red corner, we have the reigning champion of Narutoverse emo. From the itchy, scratchy land of Sand, we have the bearer of the Bijuu, Gaara…
Shika: (interrupts) DON’T SAY IT!
Neji:…of the Funk!
(funky techno music)
Shika: *sighs* Oh well. What’s this? It looks the match is about to start. The referee is drawing them into the center. And they’re coldly shaking hands.
Neji: Indeed! And the match has begun! Sasuke starts of strong, jabbing Gaara with a cold stare! Gaara counters with his own cold stare.
Shika: ‘ey, Neji, is it just me, or is it starting to get cold in here?
Neji: Oh!, and Sasuke is on the passive-aggressive offensive! He’s playing aloof, and pretending the Gaara is in fact not there! Oh how will Gaara recover?!
Shika: Hmm. It looks like Gaara is starting to angst over his lonely child hood. This could be a powerful blow to him….Wait!...what’s this? Oh, he’s countering Sasuke’s passive-aggressive avoidance by becoming more emo.
Neji: Simply brilliant! And now he’s going on a long monologue, complete with obligatory color-faded flashbacks about his lonely childhood! Stay tuned folks, this is where it gets exciting!
(25 minutes later)
Shika: Tch, it looks like Gaara’s flashbacks are done. Sasuke has issued a quick riposte, sending back his own diatribe about how bad his life was. Looks like more flashbacks…
(3 f***ing episodes and an hour later)
Neji: Well, that was certainly a strong offensive by Sasuke, but Gaara stands firm with his angst!
Shika: Is it over yet? Kill me please, Neji.
Neji: Oh be quiet. And you call yourself an anime character?
Shika: Well, not if I can help it.
Neji: I’m just going to ignore that for now. It looks like Gaara is on the offensive now. This where we’ll get to see Gaara’s mastery of Scene form of the Emo-Arts. And it looks like he’s combing his hair into an Emover, and applying dark purple eye shadow and *gasp* more black eye liner!
Shika: *mocking* Oh the humanity!
Neji: Quiet you! But wait, there’s more. He’s starting to recite badly written, unrhyming angst poetry to Sasuke. He has come prepared!
Shika: And Sasuke blocks with his collection of My Chemical Romance and Hawthorne Heights albums!
Neji: Indeed. We’ll get to see Sasuke’s unorthodox post-modernist Nietzschean emo-arts. He issues a quick riposte by reading the liner notes to the newest Hawthorne Heights CD, and then launches into a lengthy, angst ridden diatribe about fatalism and the “Will to Power”. Hmm, it seems that his emo level is rising. Can Gaara counter this?
Shika: Nothing is to be feared more than academic emos.
Neji: Gaara is quick to counter. He taunts Sasuke for missing the meaning of emo with his angry nihilism, and…wait…what’s this? Gaara has pulled out a pink boombox. He’s putting a CD in right now. Could it be?
(obligatory dramatic pause)
Neji: Yes! It is! It’s his own CD, full of emo angst that he recorded in his garage with his emo buddies! Hmm. I think they call this move the post-hardcore hook.
Shika: It’s post-something.
Neji: It looks like Sasuke is getting a little agitated. Could he be plotting his finishing move right now?
Shika: Just how the hell did punk music evolve into this anyway?
Neji: Yes! Oh my god! He’s cutting right now! Both wrists, in a remarkable show of calculated angst! Wounds just deep enough to bleed a bit, and all the way up his arm!
Shika: I mean, it went from “London Calling” and “California Uber Alles” to this in just one generation.
Neji: Never fear, capitalism is here! It’ll take care of all those pesky political statements and social commentaries, and give the people what they really want: angst! But I digress! It seems that Gaara is trying to match Sasuke’s cutting with his own but… wait a moment…
(dramatic pause)
Neji: Oh my god! He can’t! He can’t cut himself! The sand is protecting him from any emo induced self-inflicted harm! Oh how will he recover from this?!
Shika: I’m sure he’ll manage.
Neji: Oh, he’s in trouble. He’s panicking! Wait!
(dramatic pause)
Neji: An idea has popped into his head! He’s freestyle emo-rapping out poetry about how he can’t even cut himself! Oh, how angsty!
Shika: That was unexpected…
Neji: Sasuke is panicking now. He had expected the last move to finish off Gaara. He’s staring at the judges table. What is he going to do?
Shika: Oh, don’t tell me…
Neji: He’s darted out of the ring, and has killed his best friend Naruto! Oh, he’s brutally murdered one Naruto, one of the judges, in a fit of emo-rage! He’s screaming something about needing power to kill his brother, or maybe that’s just his emotional constipation finally clearing up.
Shika: Wait, Gaara is jumping out of the ring too. The referee is looking confused, searching through the rule books.
Neji: Oh, and now Gaara has killed a judge as well! He’s killed poor Rock Lee to prove the value of his existence!
Shika: The judge is dumbfounded. Apparently there is no rule against killing the judges. But he’s calling the fight right now. It looks like this decision is all up to one judge, none other than Orochimaru-sama, the fallen Sannin.
Neji: He’s raising Gaara’s score card at first. Hmm, a respectable 9.4 out of 10. Sasuke will be hard pressed to beat that score.
Shika: I’m not sure he should be trying…
Neji: Quiet you! Hmm, Orochimaru-sama is raising Sasuke’s score-card now. Shika, break out the binoculars.
Shika: Sure thing.
Neji: So Shika, what does the scorecard say about his emo-level?
Shika: *angrily* IT’S OVER 9000!!!
Neji: What?! 9000?!
(fade to black, roll end credits)