I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light,~
It was so hard after I got back from the mission. So painful. As soon as I opened my eyes, I looked around for Sasuke, as if hoping that he would've been there and Kakashi sensei had helped make our mission a success.
But he wasn't there.
I could feel my eyes begin to tear as the hard truth hit me.
He wasn't coming back.
~I can't remember how,
I can't remember why,
I'm lying here tonight.~
My heart is splitting in two. That whole thing is a blur. My head hurts, my eyes burn with tears everytime I think about it. Sasuke pushed us all aside, he hurt every single one of us genin in a way. His influences were passed on to all of us.
I can still feel pain in my stomach where he had hit me. Every bruise seems like it's on fire. Why did I care so much?
It was because he was a friend, and I couldn't let a friend just up and leave, betray us like that.
But as I lay here in this hospital bed, I can barely remember the fight... at the moment.
~And I can't stand the pain,
And I can't make it go away,
No I can't stand the pain.~
No matter how hard I tried at this exact moment to push him out of my mind, his face always appeared. Taunting me. It wasn't my fault that he had such an impact on me. Him and I were like brothers, but he could care less. All he cared about was killing his real brother and getting revenge. And what if that never happens? I don't doubt him, but if he gets killed by Orochimaru I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. It was my fault he left, though. I had the chance to stop him, and I failed. (He had a trump card!!!) How would Sakura react once she found out that I failed so horribly... she'll probably hate me until the moment of my death.
Which felt like it was soon with all the pain I was feeling, both internal and external.
It hurts to think about him, to think about how I let so many people down. I hear voices outside saying that our comrades are severely injured, our leader is in a state of weakness because we all got hurt when he only suffered minor injuries. But hey, it wasn't his fault. Almost everyone was at fault on this mission, some of us were too careless. Like me. I let him get away. Why won't he leave my mind?!
~How could this happen to me?
I've made my mistakes,
Got no where to run,
The night goes on,
As I'm fading away,
I'm sick of this life,
I just wanna scream,
How could this happen to me?~
I feet like ripping off this hospital gown and tearing down the wall. I want to escape this hell. I want him back, I want our old team.
My vision grows blurry once again as a head injury kicks in. Memories of him flash across my eyes. Why did he even have to listen to that snake bastard?! He isn't promising power, he just wants Sasuke for his own twisted reasons! Jiraiya wouldn't lie to me!
My inner self is screaming of how stupid I was. I turn my head to the pillow and scream until my throat hurts. I yelled and cursed until I was hoarse.
This thing... this... "life"....
I've never had a life. All it was was running after a dream that people criticize me for... what kind of life is that?
~Everybody's screaming,
I try to make a sound,
But no one hears me.~
The voices outside are growing louder and more frantic. Kami, can you take my death wish?
I can hear Granny Tsunade and Shizune's voices... they sound pained and someone sounds like they're crying. With all my might, I wished it wasn't Sakura. Even though the very thought of her presence would cheer me up, if only a little, I couldn't bring myself to tell her the truth.
But I try to yell anyway. It's no good, my hoarse voice won't do any good against a door and walls. They merely reflect my anguish back at me.
~I'm slipping off the edge,
I'm hanging on a thread,
I wanna start this over again.~
If there was such a thing as the Go Back in Time jutsu, I would've used it by now. I would've gone back to when he left and grabbed him by the shirt and punched him senseless. I would've landed him in the hospital with broken bones, making him unable to leave. Unable to hurt everyone. Unable to cause me to want to rip my head off right now.
As the room grew blurrier, my thoughts were directed at my teammates. Were they okay? I had only just gotten acquainted with Neji... I didn't want him to die just yet.
Shikamaru was fine, so I wasn't too worried about him.
Chouji... he was one of the people doctors were whispering about. How could I forget about him? He was one of my best friends at the Academy, always helping me pull pranks. He couldn't leave, not while I'm still around....
But what could I do now?
Lee... what about him? That guy was tough, did Bushy Brow beat him?
For a minute, I felt a smile creep across my scratched face.
~So I try to hold on to,
A time when nothing mattered.~
My next thoughts were of our Wave Country mission. I remembered Haku and his words. A pang of pity shot through me for the dead shinobi. Hey Haku, thanks for making me realize what being a ninja is really about. I wish I listened harder when you told me.
I remembered Kakashi sensei fighting off Zabuza, when we first learned about the Sharingan.
I remembered our chakra training, how Sakura was the best and Sasuke and I competed.
I remembered Sasuke using his body to protect me..... he won't be doing that anymore, will he?
I remembered the first time Kyuubi came out.
My thoughts strayed to the Chuunin exams.
I remembered Sasuke and Lee's fight. Heh, Sasuke was such a loser there!
The first test, where I freaked out only to pass because of my confidence in myself and my teammates.
The second test, where this whole fiasco started. I can barely remember that.
The preliminaries, where my fight with Kiba told me that I can overcome anything.
My special training, how I learned to summon a giant toad.... and got pushed off a cliff.
The third test, where I convinced Neji that fate and destiny didn't have a say in everything. You can say we're pretty good friends now.
My fight with Gaara, when I helped him realize he wasn't alone because I felt the same pain as him.
Sasuke and my encounter with Uchiha Itachi. I was scared then, but now I'm ready for anything.
Meeting the Legendary Sucker, Tsunade-baachan.
Watching the Sannin fight, and protecting Tsunade-baachan in her time of need.
And finally, the beginning of this failed mission, where we all stood confident and ready to save Sasuke.
Too bad that didn't happen.
~And I can't explain what happened,
And I can't erase the things I've done,
No I can't.~
I wished for the thousandth time that I could go back in time. I would make it so that Haku never died.
I would change it so that Lee and Sasuke never fought.
So that the Chuunin exams never brought any of this onslaught onto us.
So that Tsunade wouldn't have had to face Orochimaru...
And so that Konoha was never destroyed, that Orochimaru was killed in the attack, that Sandaime was still alive.
I would fix the mistake of letting Sasuke get away.
~How could this happen to me?
I've made my mistakes,
Got no where to run,
The night goes on,
As I'm fading away,
I'm sick of this life,
I just wanna scream,
How could this happen to me?~
The room blurred dangerously again, I'm surprised my eyes are still open. Finally, bits and pieces of our mission flew into my mind. The cotton disappated and I let my eyes close.
Immediately I was brought into that memory. I could still see the many trees we passed. I can see Chouji standing up against that fatass. I can see Neji turned around ready to fight the spider freak. I'm standing against bone weirdo. Shikamaru's with flute bitch. Lee comes and lets me head for Sasuke, who had just escaped.
My mind blanked out for a second and I remembered team 7, the first time we met.
We couldn't get along, all Sasuke and I did was argue, all Sakura did was swoon over Sasuke and I always tried to take over. Funny that now we had flawless teamwork... I suppose Kakashi sensei taught us something important in the long run.
I see Sasuke's back turned towards me, and I remember how we stood on the water, facing each other like true enemies. But we weren't enemies... were we? Had I really made him hate me that much? No... his mind was clouded by his ambitions, as was mine.
His fire sent me flying into the water, and I let Kyuubi take over. I surfaced and began beating some sense into him. He activated his damn curse seal. Pfff, like that would do anything against a demon fox.
I was in the for the shock of my life.
~I've made my mistakes,
Got no where to run,
The night goes on,
As I'm fading away,
I'm sick of this life,
I just wanna scream...
How could this happen to me?~
Once again, I faced the monstrosity that I called Sasuke. Grey skin replaced his own. He powered up his Chidori and I prepared my Rasengan.
The only thing I remember is a flash of light, then us floating and just looking at each other. For a minute, I thought we were young again. We were friends. But now....
And once again, light filled my eyes as Sakura's green eyes peered down at me. Her tears were flowing down those cheeks and I felt my face run hot with shame.
"Kakashi told me..." She whispered.
"Sakura-chan... I WILL get him back! It was the promise of a lifetime!"
Sakura smiled and nodded. She turned to the door.
Just as she was about to leave, "I'm going to make myself useful to you guys. No more me getting in the way."
And she left.
And for the first time in what felt like years, maybe it was really only minutes, but for the first time...
I felt like...
It wasn't my fault Sasuke left.
