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chapter 1- Really, Really Bad Ideas.
Kabuto stared with horror at the bill. He glared darkly at the bottom of the page where the nice pretty words in bold print said,
Total fee- $9873498754091875.98
"Crap." He muttered, then looked over to his boss. "Lord Orochimaru, have you seen this thing?" Orochimaru looked up at him, not a chance he was getting out of that chair. Speaking that he had been sitting there for three years now. Still denying the fact that he he had gained one hundred and fifty pounds over the years, in which Tayuya had proclaimed to him was his own fault for sitting there constantly eating pringles while watching reruns of Reno911. This lead to a very long, and very bitter arguement that seemed to change subject each minute it went on,which was..lets see, five p.m. yesterday? In fact, in truth, the arguement had ended five minutes ago after Orochimaru, ironically, started choking on pringles. Which, Tayuya found VERY amusing.
Orochimaru slammed his hand his throne, "CRAP! I KNEW WE SHOULD HAVE INVADED THE LEAF VILLAGE THREE YEARS AGO!"
Kabuto sighed. "YES, OROCHIMARU SAMA! WE ALL KNOW!" He shouted in a frustrated tone. "But how is that going to take care of this debt?!"
Kidomaru looked over Kabuto's shoulder. He whistled. "In two days they're going to take our furniture away..."
"Well, fuck..." Tayuya sighed.
"HOW THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO GET THAT MONEY IN TWO DAYS, KABUTO?!"
"Well I don't know!"
"A bake sale!" Jirobo demanded, however he was ignored.
"Lets sell Ukon." Sakon offered.
"What?! You're my brother!"
"Yes, but you're possesive."
"I'm part of your body!"
"Exactly."
"You're an asshole, Sakon."
"I hate you, Ukon."
Everyone moved on from that.
"We could sell my bones..." Kimimaro muttered, everyone got a bit creeped out, then moved on. "Sasuke?"
One might wonder why Sasuke was here. You see, aside from wanting to kill Itachi, Sasuke has a horrible terrible weakness. He never heard of never take candy from strangers, especially if the wrapper reads:
FAKE CHOCOLATE BAR!
KNOCK OUT THAT KID YOU'RE ABDUCTING IN LESS THAN 18 SECONDS!
So here he was now, bit too late to go back.
He sighed. "And thats when he said, foolish little brother, you are weak, and why are you weak? Because you lack PRESENTS! Then he jumped out the window laughing like a lunatic. Killed that entire christmas...he stole my girlfriend and my presents, and the eggnog. Thats why my life is so dark, y'know? I really want to kill that guy."
Silence. Orochimaru shook his head. "Okaaaay. That had nothing to do with anything...um..no more requests from Sasuke.."
They looked at Tayuya, whom glared back at them. "Why the fuck do you think I would know?"
Stare.
"STOP THAT YOU FUCKING FREAKS!"
"Hey, I'm not a freak!" Kidomaru protested, everyone turned.
"Kidomaru, you have SIX arms, shithead." Tayuya muttered.
"Well you don't have to be so mean about it Tayuya..."
"Jirobo is a fat ass, Kimimaro has a bone obsession, Sakon and Ukon somehow manage to have a fucking sibling rivalry from INSIDE their fuckin body. Oh by the way, anyone notice our leader is one of the biggest DUMBASSES on this show?"
There was much silence until Kabuto raised his hand. "Tayuya, you forgot me."
"OH! Sorry about that...ummmmm...you look...like a...nerd?"
"Thank you, I will get angry now."
Everyone's face warped into angry looks, she took a step back, realizing she was in trouble she chuckled. "I'm so fucking sick of this rundown hellhole..." She exited the room, and it's occupants grumbled about her.
"What a bitch..." Kidomaru muttered.
"I'm not fat am I?" Jirobo frowned, tearing up.
"...What is wrong with bones?"
"He's such a jerk, the last time I ran into him, He pretended to trip and spill kool-aid all over my favorite shirt. Then he pledged to make it up to me by cleaning my laundry, told me to bring the detergent, and when I came back, his clothes were there and he had left a note saying to do big brother a favor and wash his clothes and then I.."
"WILL YOU STOP BITCHING?!" Orochimaru shouted at Sasuke, who silenced immedeatly. "I have a plan to get rid of little bitchy Tayuya..."
Everyone leaned forward.
"KABUTO! BRING ME THE DAMN PHONE!"
"You know, Orochimaru-sama, it would be good for you to get up after all these years..."
"SHUTUP KABUTO! BESIDES, IT'S PART OF MY BODY NOW!"
Kabuto sighed. Why even bother. He tossed Orochimaru his cell phone. Then Orochimaru dialed the numbers he knew so well.
713-867-5309
"Hello, This is Lord Orochimaru." He spoke into the cellphone. "I would like to place an ad in the paper."
There was a pause.
"Yes, yesss. For a mail order bride."
Everyone chuckled, this had to be fake. He was joking. Surely.
"Miss..um..."
"Help me think of some exotic last name, you guys.." He held his hand over the talking part.
"Ummmm...Mango." Jirobo suggested, of course food.
"Lopee.." Kidomaru said.
"Not a hick name, an EXOTIC name."
"Bones." Pretty sure you know who that was.
"Leveene."
"Ah, good Kabuto."
"Yes a Miss Tayuya Leveene."
"She is seventeen now."
"Mm-hm.."
"Yes, for the perverts, indeed, lets see..."
"Something really sexual sounding..."
"She'll last all night long.."
"That will do? Great!"
"Tomorrow morning, great, the price is, um $9873498754091875.98"
"Wow, that's cheap for them? GOOD!"
"A looks description...hmmm"
"Thin hot red-headed, great tan."
"Thats all?"
"Goodbye."
He hung up the phone, everyone stared at him.
"Man, Orochimaru-sama.." Kidomaru chuckled. "She is going to be pissed..."
"Please tell me that was a joke..." Kabuto muttered.
Orochimaru looked up with his fat piggy face. "Nope."
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A/N- Shall I continue or destroy. remember I OWN THIS SOON TO BE PAIRING! mUAHAHAHHAHA
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Chapter notes: /N-...I HAD TO WRITE THIS ENTIRE CHAPTER COMPLETELY OVER TWICE! SO YOU BETTER ENJOY IT! I OWN THIS PAIRING!
I DO NOT OWN NARUTO!