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Thou’rt reading the Book of Hondo. Now back the story:
‘See, there ye go again with that “quoth the Narrator” crap!’ spake Matt, ‘Thou soundeth like a fucking dumbass!’
‘Matt! Shut up!’ cried Derrick. ‘Quick! Apologize! Tinky-Winky’s getting frisky again!’
‘Okay, Okay!’ spake Matt. ‘I’m sorry I called thee a fucking dumbass, now canst thou get us the fuck out of here!?’
‘Uh-oh!’ quoth Tinky-Winky, ‘ ’tis not right to cuss. Thou’rt being a bad, bad boy, Matt. A bad, bad, bad boy, and I think thou needeth a spanking!’
‘Hellllpp!’ cried the Gods of Hondo.
Apology accepted, Matt, quoth the Narrator.
And the Narrator didst bring the Gods of Hondo safely back to the place they left the Dudes, who had been waiting for a while, and had resorted to putting squirrels in each other’s pants for the purpose of betting.
And the Narrator said unto them, Methinks thou hast learned thy lesson: No one fucks with the Narrator! Got it?
‘We get it,’ spake Derrick.
‘Thank’ee, Mr Narrator,’ spake Matt.
‘Matt, from now on, keepeth thy fucking mouth shut!’ spake the God of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions.
‘Fine,’ spake the God of Stopping the Clock. ‘Now where were we? Oh, we still haven’t figured out who shalt be the God of Sex.’
‘We don’t have to,’ spake the God of Evil, ‘for I am the God of Sex.’
‘Verily I say, I am the God of Sex!’ spake Matt.
‘Children, children,’ quoth Scoot. ‘We shalt decide this with the Godly Challenge, remember?’
‘So what is the Godly Challenge, anyway?’ asked the God of Orange Juice Drinking.
‘The rules art simple…’ quoth Yoco.
‘That won’t do,’ spake the God of Micromanaging. ‘We needeth rules that art worthy of gods.’
‘Very well, the rules art complicated,’ quoth Yoco. ‘Thou shalt play Rock Paper Scissors. If say, Derrick doth win, Matt hath the right to a rematch for two-out-of-three. And if Matt doth win, Derrick canst challenge him to the best three-out-of-five, four-out-of-seven, five-out-of-nine, and so on. The first to win two of these challenges in a row doth win the Godly Challenge.’
‘Finally!’ spake Matt. ‘Rules complicated and insane enough to be worthy of the Gods of Hondo!’
And there was much rejoicing.
And so, by standing back-to-back and playing Rock Paper Scissors, the God of Everything Else didst secure his title as the God of Sex. After the first Godly Challenge, for there were many to come, Derrick was able to the gain the rightful titles of the God of Flirting, God of M&Ms, and God of Nipples.
And the Gods of Hondo didst decide to reward the Sacrificial Goat for his solution to their problem.
‘We, the Gods of Hondo, wisheth to delegate some of our godly powers,’ spake the God of Sex, ‘but because it hath been decreed that there canst be no good part about being the Sacrificial Goat of Hondo, we shall give to thee the godly powers of Hicks, Perverts, and All Odd, Perverted, and Just Plain Wrong, Beings and Objects.’
‘What!?’ cried Yoco.
‘Basically, thou art the Patron Saint of Hicks,’ spake the God of M&Ms.
‘Fuckers…’ Yoco didst mutter to himself.
‘I heard that,’ spake the God of Nipples.
And the Gods of Hondo didst vanish from their midst, and the Dudes didst continue their journey to find the Master Kungfucius.
Canst the Dudes find Kungfucius and traineth with him? Wilt it do them any good? Find out in the next pointless chapter of the Book of Hondo!
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Chapter notes: the Godly Challenge