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The Pains of Peanut Butter by PhoenixClaw

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Chapter notes: DISCLAIMER: I do not own Naruto nor do I lay claim to any of its characters. I do not intend to incite any copyright infringement for the sake of monetary gain. This is simply written in good humor for the sake of a fun read. Enjoy!

Golden rays of sunlight cascaded down upon a thick canopy of trees, creating dazzling displays of prismatic rainbows filtered through droplets of dew. The scent of cherry blossoms and lavender bushes were common this time of year, adding yet another layer of tranquility to the hospitable environment. Along a sheltered path worn deep by journeymen and livestock, four distinct individuals trudged onward towards an elusive goal.

Gai-sensei drew in a hearty breath of fresh air.

“Ahh...nothing like a little rest and relaxation to help prepare for some tough practice sessions!”

An exuberant young ninja nodded his head accordingly.

“Sir! I look forward to this vacation as well as the harsh training that will follow!”

The Taijutsu specialist regarded his apprentice with a look of approval.

“That’s the spirit, Lee! Keep up the good work!”

Rock Lee swelled with pride, and flashed both his teammates a patented Nice Guy pose. Tenten and Neji let out a mutual sigh. A disinterested baritone abruptly shattered the serene moment.

“Are we there yet?”

Two garishly oversized eyebrows twitched in irritation.

“Don’t be so impatient, Neji! We’ll get there soon.”

A pair of hair buns bounced slightly in the midmorning shine.

“But how soon, Gai-sensei? At this rate, we’ll have to turn back just as we get there!”

Streaks of blinding light momentarily assaulted all three shinobi as several unruly sunbeams reflected off their sensei’s glossy bowl-cut.

“Tenten! How many times must I tell you that we’ll get there when we get there! The house we’re looking for is very well hidden, and if we travel any faster than this, there’s a chance I might miss the entrance! Now, I don’t want to hear another word out of any of you! Understand?”

“Yes, Gai-sensei! We hear you loud and clear!” A pair of murmured replies accompanied Lee’s booming response.

The trio of ninja quickly fell in line behind their Jounin guide. Such was the manner of things for several uneventful hours; it was only with the swift halt of Gai-sensei that words were once again released amidst the tranquil ambiance.

“Something’s…not right.”

Instantly, all three genin took positions of defense. Tenten held the rear with ranged weaponry, Rock Lee provided a strong center, and Neji took point as an early warning to impending attack.

Each held perfectly still, waiting for word from their teacher about the true nature of whatever imminent peril they now faced. Would it be rogue ninja? Perhaps this was a grand scale attack launched by a neighboring land! Or maybe…

The older man pivoted in a slow circle, taking in each precise aspect of the surrounding woodland area. Every chipmunk, leaf, and acorn passed beneath a scrutinizing eye nurtured by years of intense training and expertise. Nothing escaped his uncanny awareness of even the slightest superficial detail.

The normally brazen Jounin let out a low, ominous growl, signaling to the others that he had adequately summed up their current predicament. The three shinobi glanced over at their mentor with barely contained anticipation.

Gai-sensei swiped a knuckle across the bridge of his nose, and let loose a good-natured laugh.

“I have no idea where we are!”

All three genin toppled to the ground. Lee was the first to recover.

“But, sir, how can that be? Surely you have this entire forest memorized!”

Maito Gai cast the quizzical ninja a sidelong glance.

“Yes, well…sometimes it’s better to lose yourself in the moment rather than focus on the goal!”

The Jounin suddenly shot his arm out and assumed a stance of youthful exuberance.

“Let this be a lesson to all of you! Never let the pressures of everyday life overcome the simple joy of a refreshing hike through the woods!”

This was met with a starry-eyed look of wonder from the green clad boy.

“Your wisdom and perceptive judgment never cease to amaze me, Gai-sensei! It is an honor and privilege to call myself your pupil!”

The older man cast his Taijutsu prodigy a thumbs up, and both sensei and student finished their moment of male bonding with a dual Nice Guy pose directed at a wizened old oak tree.

Lee moved back to rejoin his teammates, once again allowing their mentor to lead them on. The youthful ninja could hardly contain his excitement at the lesson he had just learned, and thus regarded his colleagues with a child-like smile.

“Is Gai-sensei not the coolest?”

Tenten and Neji glanced at one another, then promptly sighed once more.

After backtracking three quarters of a mile, diligently fending off a family of enraged squirrels, and finally making the tactful decision to employ Neji’s Byakugan, all four members of Team Gai eventually found themselves standing before a modest old cabin set deep in the forest proper.

Rivers of tears began to course down the cheeks of the Jounin.

“I can still remember when Kakashi and I first built this place as children… We stayed up for three days straight just to get it finished! All that hard work and dedication; the dull agony of grueling labor…it was our finest accomplishment!”

An abrupt change in temperament replaced his explosion of heartfelt memories with a scathing frown.

“Come to think of it, I did most of the hard work…and all the heavy labor!”

Flames of youth-filled rage erupted from the confines of a mind squeezed perhaps a bit too tight. Gai-sensei thrust an iron fist into the air, vowing to all the sticks and berries a sacred oath of divine retribution.

“Hatake Kakashi, you good for nothing slacker! There will come a day when you and I settle our old score once and for all!”

Two young shinobi tried to blend unnoticed into the background, while a third looked on with nothing less than zealous admiration.

“Well, let’s at least see if Kakashi kept his end of the bargain and remembered to take care of the place…”

Without another word, the older man stomped his way up the small wooden steps and entered the rustic dwelling.

Staggering waves of musty pine, acrid wood smoke, and prehistoric mothballs erupted from the tiny structure. Each ninja made their way into a large, bare bones living space saturated with dust and debris. Two putrid windows cast a dull glow upon their bleak surroundings, and a single oblong table adorned what was probably supposed to be the kitchen.

A cockroach scurried across Tenten’s foot, nearly causing the young woman to leap into the rafters.

“Isn’t she beautiful! Oh, the memories…”

Before Gai-sensei could break down in tears once more, Neji’s voice cut through the stale air.

“And just what exactly are we supposed to do now?”

Their teacher cast an affectionate glance around the room, then released a cleansing sigh.

“Heh, just go ahead and relax! We’re staying here for the rest of the day, so make yourselves at home and have some fun!”

All three shinobi regarded their sensei wordlessly. Without a second thought, both Neji and Tenten headed straight for the door. Rock Lee was left staring wide-eyed at the fabled House of Gai.

“This is a most impressive construction, Gai-sensei! It is an honor to rest in a home you have built with your own two hands!”

The older man flashed his pupil a thumbs up.

“Thanks, Lee! Now, go out and have some fun!”

That was met with a look of trepidation from the boy.

“I…I would not know what to do, sir. I am simply not accustomed to ‘having a good time’, it would seem…”

As a lost expression began to settle upon the thick brows of Lee’s countenance, Gai-sensei grinned wryly.

“Very well. What if I give you a simple mission to perform? Would you feel better then?”

The exuberant young ninja shot his head skyward, a look of fire set deep in his eyes.

“Sir! It would be my honor to perform a task for you!”

The Jounin took on a striking pose of youthful valor.

“All right! This is your assignment…are you ready?”

Lee stood at full attention. A single arm shot up in a heroic salute to the man standing before him.

“I am ready, Gai-sensei! What is it that you request of me?”

A long pause drifted back and forth between the two male shinobi, each trying to provide a stronger look of determination from which the other could draw upon.

“Your mission is…”

Rock Lee tensed visibly, eager to make his sensei proud.

“To make me a peanut butter sandwich!”

The young man nearly fell over; both shoulders slumped in dismay.

“A…s-sandwich? That is all you wish?”

Sheer wonderment and awe swiftly overwhelmed the man.

No, not just any sandwich. A peanut butter sandwich. Perhaps one of the most delicious meals to ever exist…”

Lee still didn’t seem convinced. Gai-sensei only smiled.

“Unless you don’t feel up to the challenge, of course…”

That did it.

The Taijutsu apprentice puffed his chest out to its full extent.

“Sir! I will not fail you! Consider your meal as good as prepared!”

A firm nod of support acknowledged the resolve in the young man’s voice.

“Good to hear it, Lee! I’m going for a walk, so I expect everything to be ready when I get back. Got it?”

“Yes, sir! I will complete my mission within the allotted time!”

Both figures took on a look of ardent stoicism and saluted one another fervently. The older man promptly headed back outside, and soon vanished amidst the dense foliage.

Lee in turn approached the kitchenette and quickly began to rummage for the necessary provisions. Several moments later, he had managed to locate and exhume the key ingredient; a small jar of peanut butter now sat on the counter before him.

It is time to prove myself! I will create the best tasting sandwich that Gai-sensei has ever eaten!

Led on by the fundamental desire to earn respect from his teacher, a strong hand took hold of the item and twisted the top with an incredible upsurge of youthful power.

The lid wouldn’t budge.

Lee took on a look of momentary shock before once again trying to attain his goal. To the young shinobi’s utmost surprise, he was once again denied entry to the container’s buttery innards.

Several valiant yet futile attempts later, the green clad ninja was left to stare vacantly at the befuddling object resting comfortably on the worn-out tabletop.

What is going on here? I should not be faced with any difficulty in such a task! Have I not the strength to fulfill my mission? What if…no. I cannot let this obstacle stand in the way of establishing my worth!

A look of unrivaled determination beset the young ninja’s expressive countenance. He addressed the item with renewed purpose and vigor.

“I shall not be so easily discouraged by a simple jar! As a ninja of the Village Hidden in the Leaves, I vow to complete this task if it is the last thing that I do!”

With that earnest proclamation, all manner of attempts were made upon the small container’s virtue.

Liberal soakings in warm water, diligent attempts to pry the lid off with a kunai blade, even several dizzying head butts were no match for the container’s uncanny resilience. Punches, kicks, fervent prayer and a volley of insults made against one’s manufacturing company all paled in comparison to the sheer force of will present in such a diminutive combatant.

Ultimately, all endeavors to get at the sticky substance concluded in failure.

By the time Lee had been reduced to rhythmically bashing his reluctant prize against a countertop, the young shinobi could feel cold tendrils of dread slowly choke off his tenacity for the task at hand. He curtly dropped the container on its side, and despondently slumped to his bottom against the leg of a table.

This does not make sense! How is it that I am unable to complete such a simple undertaking…? It is an utter impossibility to allow such trivial matters as a jar of peanut butter to stand in the way of all that I have worked for!

The young man could once again feel strength of will return to his heart.

Such a thing as this shall be overcome! No matter what hardships I may endure, at no point will failure become an acceptable option! I simply cannot allow it!

A great rush of youthful energy once again filled his entire being, and Lee abruptly jumped back up…only to drive his skull into the corner of the table directly above him. Sinking to the ground, the young man let out a sharp hiss of pain, which only enticed the jar of peanut butter to roll off its perch and bop him on the head.

He warily scrambled to his feet, eyes darting back and forth between his triumph-in-the-works and the rebellious piece of furniture.

With all the grace of a ninja unwilling to concede defeat, the small item soon found itself respectfully placed back upon the kitchen table.

Off to the side, a back door opened inward upon squeaky hinges, admitting one Hyuuga Neji unto the scene.

“Lee, have you seen Tenten?”

The shinobi in question quickly turned around, allowing the jar to ponder over its fate.

“I have not. Why do you wish to find her?” A grunt escaped the boy’s lips.

“It’s no concern of yours, but if you must know…I would seek some training.”

The Taijutsu master’s face spread out into a devilish grin.

“Training in the art of love, perhaps?”

An unyielding fist collided with his skull.

“Be quiet! I simply wished to see if she would-“

Neji cast Lee a harsh glare.

“Forget it. This discussion is a waste of time…”

He turned back towards the door.

Rock Lee gave his head a fierce shake, inadvertently dislodging an idea in the process.

“Neji, wait! Would you care to try your hand at solving a most perplexing puzzle? I have found it all but impossible to complete a task set forth by our most heroic and faultless sensei! I implore you to consider placing our rivalry aside and approach my unusual predicament with a sense of mutual determination and patience.”

The stern shinobi cast his teammate a skeptical look, and then took a sweeping glance around the room. His haunting gaze returned to the boy in green.

“I see no trouble that requires my attention. If you wish to bore someone with simple puzzles and riddles, perhaps you should seek out Shikamaru instead.”

As the young man once again turned to leave, a partially bandaged hand caught his forearm. Icy death seeped out from behind white washed eyes, causing Rock Lee to relinquish his hold almost immediately. He continued on in a hurried fashion.

“I speak of a quest to obtain the respect and favor of our master and teacher. It is of the utmost importance that I carry out this assignment before his return! If I do not live up to the expectations placed upon my unworthy shoulders, I fear I may never be able to show my face in public again!”

The Hyuuga prodigy stiffened slightly, his lavender eyes growing wider.

“Lee, if this is some poor attempt at a joke…”

“No, Neji. I do not present you with a humorous tale, but rather a terrible dilemma! I must complete this mission or else Gai-sensei will never place his trust in me again! I beg of you, my rival and my teammate, please overlook our past transgressions and help me to attain my objective!”

Neji drew in a deep breath through clenched teeth, followed soon by a dejected sigh. Several moments of heavy silence passed between the two genin.

“…What action would you have me perform?”

An illuminating grin enveloped Lee’s features, providing a perfect compliment to his polished hairline. He reached behind and grasped the small item.

“Please open this vial of butter made from the extract of peanuts!”

A thin pair of lips bore the slightest hint of what could have been mistaken for a weak grin.

“…You’re not serious.”

“Yes, Neji, I most certainly am. You see, Gai-sensei has entrusted me with the preparation of his afternoon meal, and it is thus my sworn duty to carry out this task! If you’ll excuse the pun, I seem to have found myself in a…sticky situation.”

The harsh boy narrowed his pale eyes, and then nodded dolefully.

“Fine. I shall…see what I can do.”

Neji regarded the plastic container in a nonchalant manner, firmly taking it in hand and fastening a secure grip. With an arrogant smirk set upon his face, he gave the small item a single forceful twist.

Nothing happened.

At this unexpected turn of events, a look of mild irritation overcame the branch house member. He took a single step backwards, leaving the container to rest on the tabletop, and brooded silently while pondering what course of action would best suit his intentions. The minuscule item soon found itself placed beneath an uncomfortable amount of fixated concentration.

A flurry of hand signs engulfed the space before Neji’s chest, and the young man concluded with a look of absolute confidence.

Byakugan!”

Endowed with the all-revealing powers of the Hyuuga clan’s kekkai genkai, the boy in question felt mild ripples of agitation wash across his body.

Something about the lid…but I…it’s not like anything I’ve seen before…

He let the jutsu dissipate, once again taking up the challenge of devising an effective means of conquering such a bothersome irritant.

Bah. Whatever it is, I can handle it. Such a foolish waste of chakra…

On a whim, the young man followed through with another silent bout of strained groans and fervent attempts to unseal the cursed little item. By the time he had conceded to gnawing on the lid, a large vein began to pulse ominously beneath his headband. He held the container out at arms length, regarding it suspiciously.

It was with a great upsurge of youthful gusto that Lee once again spoke up.

“Perhaps you might strike several chakra points in order to weaken its defenses!”

Neji cast his teammate an incredibly vexed look.

“Peanut butter doesn’t have chakra points, Lee…”

The shinobi in question cast a blank stare at the young Hyuuga. Instantly, his look of confusion became one of self-evidence, and he deployed an exuberant Nice Guy pose from point blank range.

“Of course it does not, Neji! I was merely testing to see if you knew that as well! I am happy to say that you have passed!”

The green clad boy gave himself a mental pat on the back. His quick thinking had been no less than brilliant! Surely, not even Neji’s genius intellect could unravel such a clever ploy!

“…Lee.”

“Yes, Neji? Do you wish to further discuss the finer points of peanut butter and the chakra circulatory system?”

The pale-eyed youth felt both eyebrows involuntarily twitch, and provided his colleague with little more than a disgusted grunt before placing the jar back on the counter and turning to leave.

Success! I have once again proven that brains may often overcome brawn! Gai-sensei would be so proud!

A veritable waterfall of tears began to gush from the young man, and he quickly scrubbed his face dry.

Now, onward to a well-ensured victory!

Fueled by the youthful exuberance of Neji’s recent exploits, Lee once again took up the duty of fulfilling his sacred mission.

He would make Gai-sensei proud. He would prove his worth to everyone that had ever doubted him. He would show what it meant to truly be a shinobi; to maintain and abide by one’s own ninja way.

All great triumphs had to start somewhere, and his would begin by opening a jar of peanut butter.

Offset by a colossal grin, the green clad boy tossed his small victim into the air, unleashing a mighty kick upon its inherently defenseless nature.

In an instant, the miniscule item shot towards the opposite wall.

Underscored by the immense force placed into his attack, the young man was nevertheless horrified to see the diminutive container punch a neat hole straight into and through the partially rotted lumber.

A swift stab of apprehension immediately deflated his positive attitude.

Lee galloped over to the newly formed portal, gawking at the damage that had been caused by his impetuous actions. The young man poked a trembling hand through the cavernous injury.

He thought back to what his sensei had said earlier, reminiscing about the awe-inspiring tales that surrounded the House of Gai. A gaunt smile forced its way across the shinobi’s lips.

“It…it is not so bad. Perhaps with a little craftsmanship, I might yet be able to-“

The entire section of wall abruptly collapsed in a ghastly heap of mold and grime.

Lee’s jaw went slack, gaping silently at the empty slot where one quarter of the building had so recently been stationed. He could do little more than squeak out a stifled whimper against the tragedy that had just befallen his life.

Something else promptly made itself known to the young man.

Sitting quite comfortably several feet before him rested the elusive jar in all its boastful glory, basking silently in the mid-morning sunlight.

Slowly, very slowly, the boy’s expression of continued horror twisted into a sinister snarl as several ill-tempered thoughts began to boil amidst a cauldron of hate and repugnance.

“You have damaged an irreplaceable heirloom…”

His fists began to clench and release, building upon the intense emotions that were suddenly coursing throughout his body.

“You have defaced a priceless jewel that might never regain its previous splendor…”

Gai-sensei, excuse my impulsiveness, but I must avenge your honor...

Lee took a single step forward, passing over the wreckage with a chivalrous bow of respect. The tiny container held its ground.

“I shall not stand idly by while my sensei is disrespected!”

You once said not to use this technique unless someone precious to me is in danger…

The green clad boy began to stare down the buttery concoction with a look of pure menace. It might have been the bump on the head from before, but Lee could have sworn he saw the jar cringe.

I sincerely believe that condition has been met.

“Up to this point, our battle has been impartial…”

Satisfied that his confidence would see him through, the Taijutsu prodigy straightened up and took on a grave expression.

“This time, however…you have gone too far.”

Gai-sensai, you are precious to me! For that reason, I cannot let you down!

Lee brought both arms up from his sides, summoning all the rage and abhorrence one could muster for an inanimate object.

“Now it is personal!”

The young man undid several lengths of binding from both arms, assuming a no-nonsense pose of youthful determination. He regarded his opponent with all the respect due to one so skilled in battle.

“You have proven to be a most worthy adversary, but it is high time we resolve our differences! Upon my honor, this move shall mark the end of our fight!”

With his sacred oath firmly etched upon the heavens, Konaha’s second-generation beautiful green beast bull-rushed the singularly unimpressed jar.

A devastating heel kick sent the small object rocketing skyward through the trees and towards the stratosphere. In an instant, Lee was right behind his prey, shooting though branches and leaves with neither hesitation nor restraint. Pine needles scraped past his eyes, and it was with a titanic display of insurmountable willpower that he ignored the blinding annoyance and centered on the task at hand.

Coils of white bandages snapped outward, snaking their way around the small item set just outside his reach. As the strips of cloth ensnared and held fast their target, Lee drew in the cloth package and fastened a death grip upon it.

Both boy and bundle dropped out of the sky in a spiraling display of unbridled potency and supreme youthfulness.

“This is the end for you! Primary Lotus!

An immense pillar of dirt and debris billowed upward at their cataclysmic impact. Ripples of earth fanned out in all directions, paying homage to one of the most devastating techniques ever to grace the art of Taijutsu.

The young ninja was left kneeling off to the side, trying to recuperate from his draining endeavors. With painstaking leisure, vast clouds of dust finally began to settle; as did any false suppositions that this epic battle of wills would come to a close any time soon.

In the precise center of a craterous ground zero lay an oversized pinecone, shattered beyond any hope of semblance or repair.

A blank look of shock worked itself into astonishment. It took several moments for Lee’s mind to pull alongside the reality of his newfound situation.

“But…but then…where did…?”

The young man began to scurry back and forth in a frantic attempt to locate the tiny monstrosity, all to no avail. As a passing afterthought, he craned his neck way back…just in time to halt the devastating plunge of a plastic missile with his face.

Lee crumpled to the ground, writhing in pain. With one hand plastered across his nose, he stared at the miniature tyrant through a haze of misery and tears.

The little demon regarded him with a look of apathy.


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