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The River by Archaic Aphorism

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Chapter notes:

This didn't go through my BETA, so there are probably some errors.


A bit of background: Kimi is an OC that I created. She's about the same age as Shikamaru, a little older. Her experience with the Naras is detailed in Watashi wa Masako dearu., though I haven't quite gotten there yet...


Obviously, this is written for the anniversary fic challenge. It's not that great and it's probably hard to understand, but... I tried.

-

Mom and Dad used to argue. They used to argue a lot. They argued about stupid things, like what we ate for dinner and Dad's facial hair. They argued about the deer (while I cried and cradled the sick fawn in my lap) and Mom once turned my room upside down looking for something; I never figured out what.

I hated that they argued, but I hated even more that I always cried and stood aside, watching, but unable to say anything. I tried, once, to tell them to stop. I asked them why we couldn't all just get along like a normal family.

They yelled at me, so I left.

I didn't cry after that.

-

For eight years of my life, of which I only really remember six, I locked myself in my room when it was quiet, and perched on the roof when they yelled, distracting myself by counting roofs.

When I was eight, I had long since developed my lazy love for cloud gazing, but never could clear my mind they way I needed to, to really enjoy the activity.

Mom and Dad still argued all the time.

They had a really big blow-out one day, and I left through the window in my room. I walked down to the river, where I'd taken to cloud-gazing, and slipped into the cool water. Clear, as it had always flowed.

And closed my eyes.

I was not going to watch the clouds that afternoon.

-

Things didn't work out the way I'd intended- Chouji found me, Kimi intervened. I didn't drown.

A year later, Mom and Dad watched me closely, and the house was silent. It had been silent ever since Kimi. No arguing.

Mom and Dad talked, but it wasn't like a family. It was like we all had to start over and re-learn who each person was. I didn't know what my mom was like, except that she had a really big loud voice for a woman. I didn't know what my dad was like, except that he had the same lazy drawl as me. Mom and Dad hardly knew me (they were shocked at my laziness).

A year later, Mom and Dad remembered the anniversary of the day I tried to drown myself, and the house was silent.

I slipped out and walked to the river, resigning myself to a large boulder and skipping flat stones along the rippling surface.

Chouji remembered, too, and he came to visit me, though he didn't throw stones. I remember he offered me sour cream and onion chips, because he was going through a sour cream and onion faze, but I didn't want any.

I wondered if Kimi remembered the anniversary, since she had kind of been the one to stop all the arguing.

I wanted to thank her.

-

I can't remember when it started again, because it built up slowly. At first there wasn't yelling; in fact, there wasn't even really disagreement, just a bit of dissonance and a few nuances that gave off bad vibes. Mom and Dad couldn't remember why they loved each other.

Second anniversary: Mom threw a pitcher at Dad.

I slipped out of my window and visited my old companion, the river. I wouldn't call it my friend, since it kind of helped me try to kill myself when I was eight, but... a companion, nonetheless. Always there, always there.

The river would remember, but Chouji didn't that year.

I heard Kimi passed by to check on me, but I must not have been there or else I would have noticed. Maybe she did, maybe she didn't.

-

On the fourth anniversary, I decided that arguing was just the way my family defined itself, and left it at that. Shogi was a good distraction, so was my new gennin cell. The river was still there.

I didn't get to visit my old companion, the river, 'cause I was out on a mission, rescuing some dumb dog that really didn't need any rescuing at all.

You know, one of those lame d-rank gennin missions.

I thought about the river.

-

Seven anniversaries in and I barely even thought of the river when the day would come and go.

I had sinks, then. They were smaller, more awkward, and I had to crane my neck to submerge my entire face, but it was more convenient.

Yes, I admit it, on the seventh anniversary, I did it again. I tried to drown myself.

But it wasn't because Mom and Dad were arguing (even though they were, or else they would have heard the sink running). My boyfriend, Kiba, was cheating on me. I hadn't caught him yet, but I was pretty sure.

No-one visited the river.

-

By the tenth anniversary, I had moved out and was living on my own. I toyed with the idea of visiting my old friend, the river- because by then, I did consider it a friend- but ultimately decided against it.

Asuma had recently died, and I was standing at my sink again, watching the water smooth out before I tried again.

I never could quite make it, but this time I was determined.

Neji burst in; drug me away from the sink. He never knew about the anniversary I was celebrating, but he knew about my habits. I was dating him at the time.

For the first anniversary in nine years, I wasn't alone at the river.

-

Not long after that, Neji moved in with me, and I had him day and night. All the time; when I wanted him, when I didn't want him. We argued a lot, but it wasn't the same as Mom and Dad. We didn't yell- except for once, but that was only once- and one of us always apologized afterward.

-

Eleven years to the day, there was a drought, and the river was gone when I visited, Neji by my side.

Twelve years and it was swollen with floods.

Thirteen years and we vowed it was the last anniversary we would celebrate.

Fourteen years found us at my parents' house, instead.

Fifteen years, I snuck down to the river alone (Neji never found out).

The sixteenth, seventeenth, and eighteenth anniversaries I stayed away.

Nineteen years and Chouji took me, but we didn't mention the 'why'.

-

"Shikamaru-kun," Neji says. I glance up over my book, nodding to show that I'm listening.

"What day is it?" he asks.

"...May fourteenth," I answer softly, turning a page.

It's the twentieth anniversary today, but I'd rather ignore it.

"Oh," he answers, examining a newly polished kunai, "Does this look clean enough?" His way of asking, Are you all right?

"Of course it does," I drawl. My way of assuring him, Nothing's broken. I'm still all right.

He smiles, "Thanks."
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