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Paperwork Ninja: a Day in the Life by Golden Kizamu

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Chapter notes: Sorry about taking such a long time to update, but this chapter didn't go as well as hoped. Hayate and Raidou are not big talkers in general. I should never have put them together without someone else to interact with. Lesson learned! Next section contains: Kotetsu, Gai-sensei, and something like a plot. Love!
Paperwork Ninja: A Day in the life

Part 3: 10 am... Desk Work, My Ass!
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The halls under the Hokage building contain many interesting things, including a small medical clinic, storage rooms, meeting rooms, and the Archives, a massive collection of Shinobi lore that was actually forbidden. The scrolls the Hokage kept in his private residence were mostly forbidden, containing Jutsu that shouldn't be used lightly, but weren't so dangerous to be truly forbidden to those skilled enough to steal the scrolls and return them without being noticed. Those scrolls were a subtle test, protected by excellent but nonlethal traps.

The Archives were an entirely different matter. Only those with the proper clearances could access the different sections, and the traps and other security measures were decisively more lethal, and updated periodically to keep any traitors or simple complacency from making them ineffective. The updating process was very systematic, with two trap-setters and several rounds of quality control testing by various teams picked by the Hokage.

One fine Wednesday, at and around ten o'clock in the morning, a one such team of testers set to work with the wariness and meticulousness of experienced quality control testers...


"Hayate!"

"Rai..dou?" the sickly jounin looked over at his mission partner quizzically. "How did that happen?"

"Didn't even see it. Must be Iruka's new toy. Sure isn't Genma's." the suspended bodyguard sighed, wriggling uselessly against the chakra-infused cord trapping him upside down and immobile.

"Hmm." Hayate examined the cord and the faint strings of chakra connecting it to the trigger. "Remember that simple fire trap you disarmed on our way in here?"

Raidou grimaced "Of course. I thought it was too easy."

"And so we spent the time until we found the secondary water trap." Hayate sighed, "It seems that disarming the second trap properly engages this one."

"Clever."

"Un."

"Clever being another word for diabolic." Raidou watched as Hayate inspected the trap and unraveled the structure enough to free him. After several minutes of careful chakra manipulation Raidou felt the rope loosen around him and prepared to catch himself before he hit the floor. "Much bet-" he was cut off as the rope whipped him around suddenly, slamming him into something soft and then into something solid faster than he could follow.

"-!!!" Hayate's cry wasn't soundless, but no recognizable words came out as the air from forced from his lungs by Raidou's impact. The closest approximation might have been 'uhmmmffk!' but even that isn't quite right.

Hayate regained his balance immediately, dodging the wildly swinging bludgeon that Raidou had become, wincing slightly as the taller man slammed into the opposite wall with great force. Using his katana against the unpredictable movements of the rope would likely do more damage to Raidou than the trap, so he pulled out a kunai and dodged, waiting for a chance to cut the rope.

Raidou anticipated the third spine-jarring impact and reached out with his chakra, connecting to the wall and trying to stop or slow his swinging. For a long moment that was likely no more than a few seconds yet seemed so much longer, it seemed to work. His momentum was broken, slowed by his counter, and he was able to free one of his arms.

But only for a moment. Then he felt a singular sort of reversed free-fall similar to teleporting, but without the deceleration at the end. Raidou slammed full force into the ceiling, then fell free to the floor, the cord abandoning the stunned carcass for the one that was still moving.

Hayate managed to dodge the rope's first attack, but set off a blast of lightning in the process that sent him rolling away, into the path of a small explosion of paint that would be contact poison in the finished version. He was blinking when the rope made its second attempt.

"Aa-!"

~A little later~

"Raidou?"

"Hmm...?" the bodyguard's head was throbbing and he couldn't remember why. Can't be a hangover, my stomach is fine, so...?

"Have you pissed off Genma or Iruka lately?" it was Hayate's voice, and it seemed very serious as usual, but very strained, which was not. Hayate was the coolest head in the group aside from his own.

"No, I knew it was their turn to update the traps, so I've been good." the past came rushing back to Raidou, and he realized why his head hurt so much: it had been slammed into the wall repeatedly, and was full of blood since he was hanging upside down once again, this time in company with Hayate, who was not taking it calmly.

"The pass phrase isn't working."

"Oh shit." that was very bad news. Even though the traps were in non-lethal mode during testing, without the pass phrase the traps would hold them in place until they found a way out or someone disarmed them from outside. The pass phrase was a safety measure, a way for the testers to say 'uncle' and try again without the trap setters hanging out all day during the testing process, laughing at the testers until they made themselves sick. "Not even 'Cretins'?"

"Try for yourself."

"Jounin are all overpaid cretins." Raidou declared to the waiting hallway. It was Iruka's favorite escape line, and nearly always worked.

Nothing happened.

"We are so screwed."

"Yeah."

~Later still~

"I apologize for sneaking up on Izumo last month and making him spill hot coffee on Genma in the process."

"Hey, Hayate."

"Raidou?"

"I don't think confessing all our sins against Genma and Iruka is working. Have you pissed of Yugao, maybe? Remember, last year you forgot her birthday and she got Izumo to give you that fish-flavored Latte."

"No! Our anniversary is next week, and I have a nice dinner planned."

The rope loosened upon the word 'anniversary', flexing until they were upright before releasing them from its iron grip. There were popping sounds as the other traps they'd set off fighting the rope reset themselves. A sourceless blue light flashed on and off. they had until the light stopped, about two minutes, to get out of range before the traps reset themselves.

They moved quickly, but Raidou was not about to let this one go so easily. "Anniversary?"

"Yeah, but it's not till next week!"

"You sure?"

"Yes!"

"You know, you've lost nagging rights-"

"-For at least a month." Hayate finished for him.

"Until I say so. That was a long time to hang upside down over a forgotten anniversary."

"I didn't forget!"

"Sure..."

A sigh followed by several coughs, "Let's just get back to work, ok?"

"Oh yes, let's get back to work!" Raidou pulled out a kunai, intent on defending himself from the rope this time. "Our nice safe desk work. My ass!"

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