Paperwork Ninja, A Day in the Life
Part 6 Strange and stranger
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"While I agree that it is an impressive and unusual bruise, I fail to see how it directly mocks you." Ebisu pushed his glasses up needlessly, studying the marks on the special jounin's arm.
"Imagine it upside down." Raidou growled at the education specialist, shooting him a withering look.
Ebisu looked thoughtful for a moment. "It's scout signs, isn't it? Something about sleeping chuunin and eating?"
"'Can't sleep, the chuunin will eat me.'" Raidou quoted.
Ebisu covered his laugh with a belated sniff, "Your friend Genma has a very unusual sense of humor."
"I told you, it was Iruka who set the traps."
"I know that Iruka-sensei was something of a prankster in his youth, but he is now a solid and reliable member of the academy teaching staff. This prank was obviously the work of the senior member of this trapping crew, which you said was one Genma Shiranui."
As usual, Raidou bit back the raging denunciation of Ebisu's blindness that instantly came to mind. It would do no good. Iruka's 'kind but stern' teacher persona was too well established to be overcome by anything short of a direct proclamation of his evilness from the Hokage. Never mind the cleverly disguised words that marched down Raidou's arm, or the set on Hayate's forearm that read 'Don't forget 7-18'. Poor maligned Iruka-sensei couldn't possibly be responsible for such things! he thought sarcastically. Genma may have concurred with the messages, or even suggested what they should say, it was definitely Iruka's traps that had inflicted the marks upon the pair of testers.
Fortunately for Raidou, someone who did know about Iruka's evil side interrupted before he could decide which part of Ebisu's anatomy to attack next. The unlooked-for ally was surprised that Raidou was happy to see him. As a general rule people did not smile at his approach.
"Ibiki, good to see you."
"And you, Namiashi." the head of torture and investigation nodded cordially to his fellow ninja. A moment later he sighed, "Are they very scary chuunin, Raidou?"
"The scariest kind, Ibiki: a teacher of small children."
"Wretchedly juvenile in style, yet I imagine it was executed with the height of elegance?"
"Of course." Raidou smiled ruefully, "Neither of us noticed until after we gave up for the day."
"Ah, Iruka has not changed much, has he?" Ibiki smiled obliquely.
"No."
"You too, Ibiki?" Ebisu sniffed, "Iruka-sensei has surely done nothing to deserve this reputation he seems to have. He is very responsible, a model teacher."
Ibiki's smile faded as he looked sharply at Ebisu. "Excuse me?"
"I realize Iruka-sensei was something of a prankster in his youth, but this belief that he still is takes things too far." Ebisu had a story, and was sticking to it. "You and Raidou make him sound like some sort of childish monster, which he is not."
"No, he is not a childish monster." Ibiki agreed, "He is an experienced chuunin with a twisted sense of humor and far too much patience for details. He is someone who is willing to wait patiently for the situation to be perfect before striking, often lulling his intended victim into perceiving him as non-threatening. In fact, he has lulled most of his fellow ninja into believing him to be harmless. Only those in his inner circle and former victims know the truth. The observations of his students are dismissed as the whining of children, and his friends are accused of making up stories."
"An' they're reeeeeeally good stories, too!" this unexpected comment came from the door, which had just opened to reveal a familiar Kunoichi. Anko Mitarashi waved brightly at the trio of men before recognizing them. "Like the time I killed 'im during our second chuunin exam, 'cept he didn't stay dead."
"Anko, that didn't really happen." Ebisu had heard the story about Iruka's supposed resurrection before. "It was just a deep sleep he used to restore his chakra levels." he explained to the obviously drunken woman.
"No stupid, that sleep thing was during his third exam." Anko explained, waving an unlabeled bottle at him vaguely.
"Iruka passed the second time he took the exam, didn't he?" Ebisu looked to Raidou for support.
The scarred paperwork ninja nodded. Not because he agreed with Ebisu, but because Ebisu didn't need to know that they were both telling the truth: Iruka had passed his second exam, but taken it three times. Raidou frowned slightly; he liked Iruka, but his life story was riddled with as many forbidden sections and security clearances as the Archives they were tasked to protect.
"How about the time 'e made Hiashi's hair turn white an' his eyes turn black.[1] You'd'a thought the whole world had ended, the way Hiashi carried on and on." Anko suddenly remembered something, "You remember, don't you, Ibiki?" She glommed onto the torture specialist's back, overbalancing him and nearly sending both of them crashing into Raidou's desk. "Hiashi never did figure out who did it to him, you remember? He was interrogating everyone in ANBU locker-room for weeks."
"Anko!" Ibiki tried to pry Anko's hands apart from where they gripped his shoulders. His efforts to dislodge her were futile, as she simply adjusted her hold to compensate.
"What?" Anko let go with one hand long enough to take another drink, but didn't move from her impromptu perch. "Oh, come on, Ibiki, even Ebisu must have figured out that Hiashi was ANBU. Half the village used to be ANBU."
Raidou laughed out loud at Ibiki's face as his usual inscrutable expression gave way to helplessness. "Anko, would you please-"
"I mean, why do we even pretend that it's an elite group? Why don't we call it what it is? Like 'Hey Raidou, I'm busy next week, will you take my place as a future psych-ward resident? I'll let you borrow my nifty mask. 'Cause that's what it is, really. Training in how to go crazy while you're still young enough to enjoy it." Anko frowned, "Oh, Ebisu! why are you leaving so soon? Got a hot date?"
"It's late, and I need to get up early tomorrow." Ebisu's excuse was half-heard, as he delivered it while exiting rapidly through the mission room door. He had no desire to stick around while a drunk Anko was randomly glomping and making up stories. He'd heard the rumors about drunk Anko's victims, and none were pretty.
Ibiki meanwhile appeared to have resigned himself to Anko's weight on his back, because he made no further attempts to dislodge her as he waited for Raidou to file the paperwork he'd brought with him. He said something quietly, but Anko nagged him to speak up (read: stabbed him in the back of the neck with her Dango stick[2] until he relented); "ANBU is practice to be a name on the cenotaph." he finally repeated.
Anko pecked him again, "You're so morbid!" she slid down from her perch as casually as she had assumed it. "You'd think that you were the one being tortured every day. 'Name on a cenotaph' Huh? You have got to get out more, loosen up, have a little fun!"
"I assure you, I have plenty of fun on my own." Ibiki said stiffly.
"Yeah, yeah. I don't believe you. Come on, I'll show you how to do it properly." Anko grabbed the torturer's arm in a surprisingly strong and exacting grip. "Bye-bye, Rai-rai!" she waved as she dragged the strangely non-resisting Ibiki towards the exit.
Raidou waved back, almost awed by the sheer gall it would take to use a pressure hold like that on Ibiki of all people. The look on the head of T&I's face was priceless, as he recognized the technique but was unable to counter it immediately. Raidou wondered how far Anko would go before Ibiki escaped. Fortunately his shift was just ending; he would satisfy his curiosity as soon as he finished filing Ibiki's papers.
This copy to the Hokage's box... and done! Raidou smiled as he hurried towards the sound of Anko's singing. Maybe next Wednesday will be better than this one...
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[1] What ever happened to Hiashi? Many things...
[2] Anko was holding the Dango stick in her mouth, like a woodpecker hammering on the back of Ibiki's neck.
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-Paperwork Ninja, Day in the Life: END
Story to Be continued in Revenge of the Paperwork Ninja: Carbon Copy Ninja
In which we shall see:
Iruka's interpretation of Kakashi;
the Sensei Advantage (featuring Rookie Neji and Student Sasuke);
Book-napped Icha-Icha Paradise Special Extended Collector's Edition;
and Probably Gai-sensei being himself.
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Chapter notes: Please review and leave your suggestions for more ways to be-devil Kakashi, as I plan to have the other Paperwork Ninja make suggestions, even if they aren't all practical. Good ideas will be credited. Feel the love and Kakashi's pain!