Naruto was sitting quietly in the floor of his sparse apartment. He was humming to himself, a tune he’d only heard once before but was attracted to. He wanted to hear the song all the time, but he couldn’t. It was a song Sasuke had sang for him before he left on his last mission. His eyes, haunting and blue, were closed against the onslaught of the memories that danced across the ceiling. He knew that he would have to prove himself, to prove that he wouldn’t be weak even though he was completely alone now.
He had always been alone and then Sasuke had come into his life. Sasuke had been his teammate; Sasuke had been his rival, his competition, his best friend. And Sasuke had been the only thing that truly mattered. Sasuke was the reason he fought so hard, Sasuke was the reason he tried so desperately. Sasuke was the reason for it all, but Sasuke was no longer there. Sasuke was gone, never to return and he had to deal with that.
Hot tears escape his closed eyes and he doesn’t know what to do now. He was lost, completely and utterly lost without the protection and the comfort of the other man. He had never admitted how much he enjoyed being submissive to the other man, how much he enjoyed having the other man tell him what to do, he was a man who needed protection, a man who needed comforting and a man who needed loving. For the past two years, Naruto had been wrapped in the warmth of Sasuke’s aura, his silent protection, his surprisingly tender affection.
He sighed heavily as he crossed his arms behind his blond head. It was a year today. A year ago two ANBU showed up on his doorstep, silver dog-chains, broken white mask, and a broken forehead protector in their hands. He hadn’t needed to hear their words. He knew what was coming next.
“Uzumaki Naruto-sama, as the only living relative remaining for Uchiha Sasuke, it is our sad duty to report to you that Uchiha Sasuke was killed in the line of duty. We present to you his identification tags, his mask, and his hitae-ate. Please accept our deepest condolences.” They handed their possessions over and bowed deeply before turning and disappearing.
He hadn’t thought of anything, he could only fall to his knees, the broken things clenched against his chest and tears pouring freely from his darkened blue eyes. He and Sasuke had been lovers, civilly married for two years. They were happy together, and then he was ripped from him. He wanted his lover back. He wanted his Sasuke back.
Speaking softly to himself, speaking softly to the ceiling, hoping that somehow, desperately that Sasuke, wherever he was, would be able to hear him.
“I miss you y’bastard,” he growled to the ceiling. “I didn’t want you to die; I didn’t want to be alone again. If I had known you were going to die so soon, I wouldn’t have let you become ANBU,” he wept bitterly. His eyes were squeezed shut, and he wanted nothing more than to die himself.
But he couldn’t do that.
He had responsibilities that he had to tend to. Desires that had to be fulfilled and he could do nothing more than smile and bear his responsibilities. He was a man of power, a man respected. He couldn’t please himself, he couldn’t be selfish. He wasn’t allowed.
“Sasuke,” he whimpered to the ceiling, curling in on his side, pulling his knees to his chest, holding himself tightly. He wanted to feel loved like he had with Sasuke. He wanted to be reminded of the pleasure that could be found when he was with his husband, his lover, his better half. He wanted to remember what it was to be the one who wasn’t supporting everyone else. He wanted to be weak for one night.
A knock on his door roused him from the floor. He wiped his eyes and ran a hand through his blond hair. He plastered a small smile on his handsome face and opened the door with all the flourish expected of him. He wasn’t surprised to see a black-robed ANBU with his dog-faced mask standing on his doorstep.
“Hokage-sama,” the ANBU bowed before straightening. Naruto didn’t need the mask removed to know that it was Inuzuka Kiba behind the dog’s face. He was the one who had given the dog-tamer the mask when he took Sasuke’s place. “The memorial is about to begin. You are expected, Hokage-sama.”
“Thank you for your concern. I’ll be ready in just a few moments. Just, wait a minute,” Naruto smiled, gesturing Kiba in. He smiled at the formality the ANBU had to face when he was in public. Once alone, he knew that the mask would be shed and his friend would emerge.
“Naruto, Hinata and me are worried about you man,” Kiba murmured, pulling his mask off as the door closed.
“Please, don’t,” Naruto whispered, dropping the smile from his face. He looked away, desperate to look anywhere but at Kiba. The man knew exactly what had happened, he was the one who’d found Naruto the next day, when nobody else had bothered to find him, Hokage or not. It wasn’t because nobody cared; it was just that the Hokage of Konoha had been good at hiding for generations. It was almost expected that the Hokage would shirk his or her duty and disappear for hours on end.
Kiba was the only other one who’d known. And he had done the only thing he could, running to Naruto’s side to be there for his friend. Hokage or not, they were still friends.
“Come on Naruto. Let’s go. You have to make an appearance, you know?” Kiba growled, clapping a hand on Naruto’s back. “I know it’s hard. But you’re doing a great job so far, you know?”
“I miss him everyday. I miss him more and more. You’re supposed to feel better with every day, but its getting harder and harder. I miss him so much Kiba,” Naruto whispered.
“But look at all the amazing things you’ve done Naruto. You haven’t let your grief take you over and you haven’t forgotten anything. If anything, Sasuke’s proud of you man. You have to smile and move on. That’s what Sasuke liked best, right?” Kiba smiled. “You’re strong man. You have to be. You’re the strongest shinobi in the village, Hokage-sama.”
“Thanks Kiba,” Naruto smiled. He pulled the ceremonial hat from beside the door and waited for Kiba to replace the mask on his handsome face. When he was hidden, he opened the door and led the way to the somber memorial that would take place for all the fallen shinobi of the year, particularly the last Uchiha heir and the Hokage’s lover.
So often he felt guilty. He had been the one to allow Sasuke the ANBU position. He’d been the one to gift the mask to the beautiful Uchiha, sentencing him to death. He’d been the one who’d given the mission to Sasuke, the one who’d allowed the young man to go. And the worst, the part that he knew, that he understood and hated the most was the fact that he couldn’t even visit a burial ground announcing Sasuke’s place of rest. As an ANBU, as a carrier of the Sharingan, as a shinobi, he had been burned on the spot.
Standing before the gathered members, glancing at the ones who were mourning for their loved ones, at the friends who were mourning for their loved one, he couldn’t stop the tears that danced in his blue eyes. He was the reason that these people were gathered here, at this memorial stone, mourning. He was the one who made the decisions that sent men, women, children to their deaths. At nights, he found himself hard pressed to sleep sometimes because of the heavy weight of guilt.
“Thank you for coming. We come to honor those who have fallen this year, to honor those who died fighting to protect those they loved, those they valued. We honor their commitment to this village, their dedication to their village and their honor that is gained only in their deaths. Please, listen intently and remember these as I read their names.
“Tateno Hiroshi- chuunin. Yang Tai- jounin. Laluni Akio- jounin. Uchiha Sasuke- ANBU.”
Naruto fell silent. He was grateful that only four had fallen this year, but it was hard deaths. Especially with Sasuke’s. He wanted nothing more than to throw himself on the ground and beg the gods to make it not so, to make Sasuke come back. But it was impossible, it would never happen and it was all just wishful thinking.
“We honor these four brave souls who gave their lives. And we give thanks to the gods for their graciousness. Bow your heads and honor the fallen,” Naruto commanded softly, bowing his own blond head. After several silent moments had passed, Naruto lifted his head and in his deep, baritone voice whispered the words of the song Sasuke had taught him, “Mou ichido dake kanau nara te o tsunaide kimi to waraitai. Yume no naka de, kioku no naka de kitto mata aeru ne…*”
He turned gracefully from the small platform he stood on and moved silently to the memorial stone. Carved into the emerald stone were the names of the shinobi who’d passed on, the ninja who’d given their lives to protect their village, their friends, partners, and lovers. He traced the names of his friends, of his villagers who’d he sent to their deaths and lastly, but not least, the name of his lover, his husband and his better half. Carved in elegant kanji with the date of his death beside it, Uchiha Sasuke decorated the beautiful stone.
“I loved you. I love you. I love you,” he whispered softly to the stone, powerful fingers tracing the delicate curves of the kanji. “I will never forget you.”
If anyone thought it was odd to see the most powerful man in the village standing before a green stone, tracing a cold name with hot tears running from his face, none mentioned it. It was unspoken, and well known. Naruto and Sasuke had been lovers. They’d lived everyday of their lives together wrapped in each others arms, dedicated to each other. And for the Tateno, Yang, and Laluni families, they understood perfectly what their Hokage was doing. And they offered their deepest sympathies for their Hokage.
* Mou ichido dake kanau nara te o tsunaide kimi to waraitai. Yume no naka de, kioku no naka de kitto mata aeru ne…
If just one more wish comes true, I want to join hands with you and laugh. Inside of the dream… inside of the memory, we’ll definitely meet again…
Thank you for reading this. I wanted to try something a little angsty, but not quite as dark as the rest of my stories. Please, let me know what you think of this story and leave me a review. The Japanese I used are lyrics translated from Gackt’s U+K. A beautiful song if you get the chance to listen to it.
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