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Members: 11985
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Reviews For The Demon Within

Name: Iago (Signed) · Date: 29/05/08 - 03:13 pm · For: Chapter 3: Creeping Death
Thanks for the read. I'll review chapters 1-3 in a single
long bit, please correct me if this is against protocol. :)
Disclaimer: I'm not a native speaker, and I get carried away
on the imperatives: please mentally apply an extra scoop of
respectful humility to all statements.

General notes:

I thought the overall storyline is quite decent, and you're
building up nice emotional potential in the Matrixly part.
The start was maybe a bit heavy to get going, with e.g. lots
of characters showing up just to flash by mainly unused.
Whenever you spend time in a scene (e.g. the train), keep
your eye on the goal: what do you need for the future,
where's the storyline, and what's just a bonus to it.

The footnote references feel strange to me, and the referral
style's inconsistent. In prose, I'd prefer baking the
explanations briefly into the first mention of the term and
repeating further detail as they're actually used.

The language style of the story is somewhat undetermined,
which bothered me a bit. It's a mixture of ultra-civilized
(e.g. woe, "pièce de résistance" vs. showpiece), casual
(don't, won't in descriptions), and potty-mouthed (cussing
without strong reason). Lo, the true halo of a text lieth not
in a single style, but in the usage of the chosen style with
great consistency and colour. So, if you'll hop on the merry
bandwagon of cussage, plan to do it colourfully. It's more'n
just a f*** here and there, you should bloody well go for the
full friggin' range from goddamn to J****'s holy c***-sucking
Ma, ya hear? (My sincere apologies to fans of Mr. Jones. I do
not imply his mother has any actual oral attachment to crabs.
And I hope I didn't just burn the PG rating of this review.)
In addition, some of the more alien phrases of the civilized
sort seemed to be used slightly out of place, although I'm
not a trustworthy judge of it. I've marked them as they come
up.

My spider sense tingles at some missing commas, but English
comma rules are also really not my thing. Separate comments
like "This, of course, made him" should be separated from the
sentence with commas, and "He would have done x, had it not
been y". (These two are from Chapter 1.)

I think 'blond haired' (x n) should be blond-haired when it's
in front of a noun (blond-haired girl, pony-tailed boy).
Ditto for other similar combinations like unkempt-looking,
machine-like. They repeat in further chapters as well. For
phrase spelling (and the choice between space/dash/nothing),
I recommend http://www.merriam-webster.com/ (since you seem
to be using US English).

I have some further notes chapter-by-chapter. I'm not sure
what your take is on typo-fixing, but I'll report any I came
across on the side; an "->" means that a (hopefully obvious)
part of the original on the left should be replaced with
whatever's on the right, while +x means "x is missing".

Chapter 1:

Kami are spirits, and the word works as plural as well when
borrowed. But if you're referring to a monotheistic god as
Kami (the original Party used to not have gods, I recall),
you'll probably want to add the honorific: Kami-sama. Also,
in chapter 2, Kakashi's thoughts refer to "gods". I actually
prefer it myself (the locals have a different relationship to
kami than westerners to any single god), but whichever you
pick, use it consistently.

* it's bright glow -> its
* and other half -> +the (always 'the other')
* sitting next to him -> +.
* the betrayal - it's referencing a bit far away, indicate
it's the betrayal of his brother
* break into fisticuffs - break into a fist fight

* Countryside and plainclothesmen go without a space altogether.
* stripped searched -> strip-searched
* one of the searcher's -> searchers'
* Footnote: person's -> people's

Chapter 2:

If the kids have a standard neural interface and aren't
surprised about hearing it's something like that, I'm a bit
surprised that they wouldn't recognize a simulation room when
they see one. What did they think it was for, catching
boogers? ;)

* you self -> yourself
* chairs-cum-simulators sounds a bit out of place here;
chairs/simulators?
* fiber optic -> fiber-optic
* peaks -> peeks
* 42 round clip -> 42-round
* creeped -> crept

Sakura "scanned for hostiles", but the only hostile is
assumed to be Kakashi by context, so this sounds a bit
strange phrasing.

Chapter 3:

The Kakashi hunt is an emotionally thick scene, if you take
advantage of the full potential. Have time slow down, drop
almost all dialogue and actual detailed happenings during it,
tune in on the raw feeling of suspense. What does it taste
like? What does it sound like? What does it feel like? Make
the atmosphere possible to cut with a knife. Easier said than
done, but much drooling stands to be gained from emotional
tension.

Exempli gratia, fangirls'll coo and have
un-gender-characteristical nosebleeds if you stretch the
Kakashi vs. disabled Sakura into another ohnosuspense moment,
keeping it up at least for a couple of paragraphs.

The weapon management throws me a bit off. I'm not really
into guns, so my mind just hurts when I'm forced to figure
out which one is the "SMG" again. (Stop me or I'll change
this into a girlyfic in no time. ;)) Also, I'm disturbed by
Naruto's sudden change into a fighting machine in one
paragraph: he's anticipating moves and using grenades like a
pro. Even if he learned his warfare on the street, shouldn't
the tension be deteriorating what little training he has?
(This is mostly a question of how the moves are described,
not really of what he concretely does.)

Naruto's flashback to Unity city is sudden; it wants to be
somewhere else where it gets proper weight - or be provided
with enough transition before "Life on the streets (...)".

* lurked around every corner -> behind?
* taking point - taking the lead? x 2
* If Kakashi *says* something to himself, it shouldn't be in cursive$
which has been implied to mean thoughts that don't make a sound.
* she fell down to her -> her what?
* the figures direction -> direction of the figure
* same sentence has 'he' in two different meanings, use e.g. 'it'
* gun fire -> gunfire

I hope this was useful to you; you're doing a great job!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review. I'm considering most of your suggestions. I'll prolly have the revised chapters 1-3 up in another day or two. Cheers!


Name: Kingofswitch (Anonymous) · Date: 25/01/08 - 05:09 pm · For: Chapter 3: Creeping Death
Wow can't wait to read the next chapter


Name: Anonymous (Anonymous) · Date: 30/11/07 - 03:05 pm · For: Chapter 1: The Shadow Warriors
ok i jst hope its nt a narusasu couplin n tbh im a guy n im nt a big fan of yuri or yoai bt jst do your own thing its gd so far lol n im sure itll jst get better. btw im actually kingofswitch bt i jst cnt be arsed goin into my account atm lol


Name: Anonymous (Anonymous) · Date: 29/11/07 - 03:43 pm · For: Chapter 2: The Many Faces of Reality
um..wow this is like major awesome plz write more. btw r there gonna b any couples?

Author's Response: Yeah, I'm working on chapter 3 right now. Hopefully I'll have done by Sunday. I haven't decided on any pairing subplots. I'm just going with the flow right now, and such details are little bit too specific for my road map. There will be either a yaoi or yuri subplot somewhere down the road. I'll leave it you to figure what that means in a fascist country.


Name: Anonymous (Anonymous) · Date: 27/11/07 - 10:41 pm · For: Chapter 1: The Shadow Warriors
good story plz update soon


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