Reviews For The Lone Wolf
Name: Kabuki Gold (Anonymous) · Date: 27/03/08 - 05:38 pm · For: Light on a Shadow
Hey wow! That's a great start to a fic but there needs to be a bit of work on your punctuation. Like, there should be a comma before the quotation mark, like this . "You don't have to do anything*,* he spoke up*.* See cos there's a comma because the sentence hasn't ended yet but there's a slight pause. And a period because there's the end of the sentence. Otherwise I really like Yuki and Aki, she's really cute but there's some places where there isn't a lot of description, like during the talking parts. Oh well, I loved it anyway!
Name: BushtuckerPenguin (Signed) · Date: 11/11/07 - 04:00 pm · For: Light on a Shadow
G'day Matt NoOne let's have a look at your fic Lone Wolf.
Admittedly you don't start off on the right foot. Spelling, particuarly spelling to the unique to the Naruto canon such as gennin should always be spelt correctly. It's a very important gauge as too how much the author cares about their story. If you don't care about the little things its hard to take care of the big things so take the time to go back through your story before you post, reread your work. Not only to pick up spelling, grammar, tense typos but also to see if you can think up better descriptions and more detail second time round.
Still its a good opening. I like the description of his character, particuarly how he always keeps one eye closed. However his personality is a bit to similar to Sasuke's. A reader likes to read something new and different each time they pick up a fic, so try to find a unique personality niche for Yuki to fill.
I do like Aki. I can imagine her sitting there staring at him but some of the details are a bit bland. For example, what was she doing as she stared. Did she just sit there, did she tap her pencil absently or rest her chin in her hands. What about the room around them? What is the lighting like, where is the teacher? What other sounds can she hear or does she notice beyond the teacher's lecture. Taking care to notice the little details of the world makes everything sound more realistic and we can really immerse ourselves completely.
Another thing to notice is the things in brackets. These are kind of like Authors Notes in the middle of the story and they really disturb the flow. If it is a pertinent detail, try and work it in with the rest of the paragraph. For example: -----'Okay, so that constantly closed eye confounded her and she desperately wanted to know just why it was like that, but he was just misunderstood. It was decided, she would talk to him at lunch.---- Fits with the flow of writing a bit more than 'on a sidenote'. Ditto with mentioning her short attention span.
The next tip is about your description. It was fantastic above, the imagery was very clear but once we get to the dialogue, it just dries up. It's called dialogue intensity, and its when you let what the character's saying directing the minds eye of the reader and it can be seen when you use a pattern of 'he said, she asked, he snapped' Try adding something after it, an action coupled with an adverb to add more detail to the reader's movie.
For example. "Can I sit with you?" she asked, beaming brightly and running her fingers through her hair. Yuki glanced up from his desk where his pencil hovered over yesterdays notes about fire jutsu and Aki had to restrain herself from staring rudely at that single closed eye. It made her own want to twitch in sympathy.
See, that paints a lot of things in our head. Don't worry! Practice will help you! The paragraphs above prove you've got the hang of it, you just have to stretch it out for the rest of the story. Perhaps set yourself a goal. 'Everytime I write a line of dialogue, I'll try and write one and a half lines of detail to back it up'. It'll also add some word length to your chapters which will draw in more readers.
All in all, a great start, good vocabulary and intersting characters. Keep going!
Author's Response: Wow!rnThanks for the great reveiw. I was really hoping someone would give some pointers and what you did was just fantastic.rnI really apreciate the effort you put in the review. I'll take all your sugestions to heart and rewrite this chapter.rnThanks so much
Name: stylin_crimson (Signed) · Date: 22/10/07 - 10:22 am · For: Light on a Shadow
Wow i like this story. Please continue.
Author's Response: Thanks. Now that am settled into school again the chapters should come faster.