Ahh, onto chapter one. A good introductory sentence, a savage statement to draw us in but I think that single line would have more impact as a paragraph in itself.

In the first chapter I can see you have a few problems with paragraphing, but that is easily remedied. What you have at the moment is referred to as 'run-on paragraphing'. Kind what you get when you run a big race and try to speak afterwards. Everything comes out in a lump and it loses some of its meaning.

The first place you need to start a new line is everytime a new person speaks. This can be seen in your second paragraph where Yasu speaks to Asa. 'Konnichiwa Asa-sama.' would be a new paragraph. The next place you can start a new line is to add impact. Things that might have a thoughtful or amazed silence to follow it. Something that will ring out, or spoken softly, a revelation perhaps. These lines also tend to be short and blunt to add impact. "That blind brat will never amount to anything!" Could be a single line on its own and then in line after it could be, rather thant 'shouted one man' but 'The man glared at her, as his shouts continued to echo through the hall.' That single, sharp line will add meaning. The last place for a new line is more difficult distinguish but the most important, everytime a new topic starts. One topic might be Judgement, the next topic would be Yasu herself, thus starting a new paragraph at 'Yasu was the young girls name. The next topic would be her journey, and a new paragraph stated there. *laughs* Do see the irony of how bad the paragraphing is in the paragraph about paragraphs, but I don't want to take up too much room in the review space.

Paragraphing aside, that's some lovely work. I give you full marks for spelling, punctuated (although you may want to put a space after your ellipses (...) will make it neater) 'Those words run through her head' slips into present tense so I suggest in the future to keep a look out for that in the future when you reread.

I love it. It makes you think and nod about human nature. I also like her attitude. I've never been fond of wangsty, selfindulgent OC's with a twagic past and I think the quirk is original that fits well with the other Rookie 9. If you can keep her from taking herself too seriously I think she'll be a character worthwhile.

There's some great description, especially actions and postures such as 'averted her head to crack her neck' paints a great picture in my head. It's a nice scene and its good to see a friend get the spotlight aside from the main character. Asa sounds lovely, although more as a character then her beauty. As I continue to read there is a tad purple prose, but its tolerable. There's also a few words out of context such as 'the wind taciturn' The wind became quiet, the wind stilled? Sometimes plain or simple words can have just as much as the more obscure ones. There is some good use of onomatopeia.

Hmm, the fan weapon is familiar. Try to avoid similarities to canon characters, carve Yasu's own niche. It's use of it as a boomarang is pretty cool though.

Oh, oh dear, random Japanese. My suggestion is to avoid random words and phrases in Japanese. The main reason is it won't work with people who don't have a good grasp of Japanese it's going to go right over their head and it'll lose impact. The second reason is even if we do understand what it means, it disrupts flow and rather then making the fic sound more authentic it gives it a fake, phoney feel, hence why it's derogetory term is 'Fangirl Japanese.'

Okay I'm a bit cynical, I can understandNaruto suddenly offering to take a random girl who clearly has ninja capabilities, but I'm sure Kakashi and Sakura would be more wary. Its generally called dues ex machina, something impossible happening purely to help a character. We also like to see things made difficult for characters as seeing how your character reacts to hazards in conflicts helps bring out their personality.

Now onto the pictures. Pictures and art should accentuate a story, but because your pictures are so big they immediately take the readers eyes away from it. If you like I can help you with that and resize any pictures you send me without losing any detail.

Cheers, a good opening chapter!

Author's Response: WOW, that was a very long review. I thank you. I thought it would be a critical review and hurt my emotions but it didn't. For the most part I want to thank you yet again. I need a beta reader from what you told me. I need help with the minor situations and I was wondering since you gave me such a wonderful review, could you possibly help me? I know I need to make those pictures smaller and stuff. So can you help me with this fic possibly. There may in fact be a sequel and you could be my beta reader! ^-^

Great Storyline, KEEP GOING! This has a great pl and what you left off with rally makes me want to read the next chapter! Please Keep going!

Author's Response: I'm trying to keep it up. I'll get to it as soon as I can.