The Original Naruto Fanfic Archive

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Any Naruto fanfiction with the main plot orientating around different sex couples.
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Where cast of the Naruto Universe are inserted into an alternate universe.
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An area to submit intelligent essays debating topics about the Naruto Universe and writing tutorial submissions.
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Any Naruto fanfiction focused without romantic orientation, on a canon character in the current Naruto Universe.
OC-centric [865]
Any Naruto fanfic that has the major inclusion of a fan-made character.
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Any Naruto fanfiction with the main plot orientating around male same sex couples.
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Any fic with no real plot and humor based. Doesn't require correct spelling, paragraphing or punctuation but it's a very good idea.
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Members: 11985
Series: 261
Stories: 5884
Chapters: 25418
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Reviews For Naruto Raiu

Name: BushtuckerPenguin (Signed) · Date: 19/04/08 - 08:38 pm · For: Chapter 1 "Enter Miko Makato!"

Aha! I've been meaning to read and review this for ages! I'll be reviewing what I see as I see it but I suspect you've improved since your first chapter!

We'll start at the top, the title! My compliments on the title, it plays nicely to the themes previously set although I do wonder what Raiu means. Your summary, well spelled and punctuated although it feels more like an extended author’s note then perhaps a book blurb. The blurb style summary is preferred as it stirs more in your reader, a sense of drama, curiosity and excitement which could draw in more readers. Imagine yourself in a cinema and which previews do you prefer. Also banners have a tendency to draw eyes. I have the only banner store at the moment on the TONFA forums but I’d happily give it a burl. Other things that catch my eye about your Summary is your choice of categories and I think adding Naruto Raiu to the OC category could also mean more readers by targeting the people who really want to read OC-fics (meeeee!) All in all, looking good! Onto the chapter itself.

It’s a bit hard to see the difference between the AN’s and the start of the fic, again a banner could come in handy there, but at least perhaps a

Naruto Raiu
Enter Mikko Makato!

Will make the change more distinguishable and set the mood for the coming attraction.

You open the scene with an AN {Scene: Kumogakure Academy Training Grounds}, it’s not the greatest way to start but there are worse ways. I’m also a little confused as you switch between present tense ( A group of twenty chunin are going) and past (Mikko pounded her first). It causes a sense of friction in the readers mind, a sense of *gropes for right word* disturbed flow. It means I can’t concentrate on the actual stoary as I could because I’m being distracted by mistakes. As I realize this is your first chapter and you’ve probably remedied this with experience I recommend when you feel you have the time a rewrite to have consistency throughout your story, the smallest things can put them off, and past tense is a general preference of most readers. I was absently correcting the story, a habit, as I went so if you like I can send you an amended version.

Aside from that your opening is good. It’s a different from the other OC introductions, well described and paints a good picture of a girl fuming silently (except her appearance, I would like a clearer idea of that). What makes me most optimistic is that in a fandom where every Sue and her dog is a chunin by nine years of age, she’s struggling at seventeen. There’s nothing I like better than an underdog! That her parents are successful is an added bonus. Also with the mention of Hishegami I can already see a rich array of personal relationships.

There are some spelling typos, not as many as some fanfiction but the fewer mistakes the better. A typo can embarrassingly change the entire meaning of the sentence. devistate an entire village or class room was desserted are some to begin with. There's also some capitalisation typos- her red kumogakure headband. Most grammar and spellchecks aren't enough and you just can't beat rereading your work or a good beta reader. Perhaps advertising for one in the forums would be worthwhile.

I do see some paragraph inconsistencies, mostly they're not too bad except for a very, very important one. I haven't seen it, at a glance, in further chapters so I'll assume you haven't been told. There are three times you should start a new line. The first is every time there's a new topic- you have that one fairly pat. The second a dramatic line that could be on its own to give emphasis.

The two were in parallel worlds now destined to be apart.

The last is the most important because its a matter of dialogue organization. Every time a new person speaks it is absolutely essential that you start a new line. For example:

"Well, well, if it isn't the manuke," Doro said with a vile grin.
"Outta my way, I've got places to go!" Mikko replied, attempting to march through the threesome.
"Not so fast baka! You're the failure here, not us!" Doro barked back.

When you look at it that way you can clearly see who is speaking, but you can also see the scriptiness of it that can be hidden when the dialogue is cramped up. In cases like that you can always afford a line or two of extra description to get rid of the dialogue intensity.

Now coming to that scene I have a thoughts. The first is the similarities it bares to Naruto, a main character with famous parents, a tryhard with an empathetic sensei supporting and understanding, a sexy transformation jutsu and loves a fastfood hell. These similarities are mirages at the and I'll have to wait 'til I read further (I review as I read) but this has made me alert to a shadowing of the canon. The more original the better, give the reader something new and they'll keep on reading.

The other thing that occurred to me is why a bullies who obviously know and live in contact with Mikko hadn't seen this jutsu before. A short paragraph on the back story of the jutsu, where she learnt it, who from and how long ago would settle that for other doubtful readers.

At the end of the chapter haven't formed many impressions yet but for the Naruto OC fandom its pretty good. If there's ever a rewrite I'd try and find something more gutgrabbing, something amazing, or funny, or desperate to reach out and hook the reader. Close your eyes, sit on the couch and flick on the telly. If you think of every chapter as an episode, something with an introduction, a conflict or problem and a resolution, would you watch this? The character sagging by a window, falls a asleep, meets some bullies with very minor confrontation, a dinner at a restaurant. It's *seesaw's hand*

You could spice it up by making the bully confrontation a little more risky or threatening. Where's an environment where this could happen? Perhaps on a tall stair case, or a bench overlooking a waterfall or cliff face. A push, a kick, rough arm bar or rough handling One shove a little too far? What does she do? Flinging out her arms they scrape over rocks tearing skin and breaking nails. Doro is frozen in astonishment at what he's done and it seems that Mikko is tumbling out of control to be spitted on the jagged rocks below ! That's it, she has no choice, she has to reveal her secret jutsu. Whoooosh! Smoke engulfs her gangly figure and as the boys cough and squint and decide they didn't want to be blamed and run. Just as Mikko's catlike form leaps from the depths to balance effortlessly on a wire fence.... Tada, an adrenaline rush will always catch the readers eye!

What kept me reading was characterisation- an OC that wasn't a powerhouse or a wangstfest, and some excellent prose. The line about parallels was extra good and I look forward to seeing the rivalry between her and her old mate. However these excellent descriptions always seemed to peter out when it came to the dialogue... But since this review is already huge I'll leave that piece of advice 'til the next chapter! Ta, I can't wait to get up to date!


Author's Response: Thanks for the cool review! It's always nice to get some first hand constructive criticism. I was thinking about going back and editing some stuff, but lately I have been much too busy to even upload a new chapter (much less write one). I guess we'll see what happens :D

Name: Zaku Hyuga (Signed) · Date: 20/02/08 - 06:34 am · For: Chapter 7 "Wild Flower"
I'm only up to 7 for now, and can't wait to keep reading!

Name: Quzor (Signed) · Date: 06/02/08 - 11:26 pm · For: Chapter 1 "Enter Miko Makato!"
I look forward to reading new chapters of this story more than any other. I love the descriptions of the scenes and battles that you put into your work. Can't wait to see what the next portion of the exam entails. Don't keep us waiting too long!

Name: thewrongvine (Anonymous) · Date: 15/12/07 - 06:28 am · For: Chapter 16 "100 Crimson Blazes: The jutsu gets complicated!"
KurayamiLeader, this is your story right? Did you get the PM i sent you... anyway, that has nothing to do with reviewing...

Author's Response: I haven't checked my inbox yet but I will soon. Thank you for reading.

Name: Keikan (Signed) · Date: 06/11/07 - 03:07 am · For: Chapter 12 "On that day five years ago..."
This story is absolutely excellent. write on

Author's Response: Thank you, I have much more to write in the near future and I hope you will enjoy

Name: moop75 (Anonymous) · Date: 14/10/07 - 06:28 pm · For: Chapter 1 "Enter Miko Makato!"
come on write more!!!!

Author's Response: Don't worry there's more to come ^_^ I'm just getting enough done now so that I can upload them weekly and keep everyone entertained while I start the next few arcs

Name: moop75 (Signed) · Date: 04/10/07 - 01:43 pm · For: Chapter 11 "The Winds of Change"
still the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Name: moop75 (Anonymous) · Date: 01/10/07 - 04:14 pm · For: Chapter 1 "Enter Miko Makato!"
still the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!still the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!still the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!still the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!still the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Name: moop75 (Anonymous) · Date: 17/09/07 - 03:57 pm · For: Chapter 5 "Thieves! The Bandit gang of the mountain pass"
woooooooooo good gob

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