TONFA
The Original Naruto Fanfic Archive

Main Categories

Het Romance [1092]
Any Naruto fanfiction with the main plot orientating around different sex couples.
Alternate Universe & Crossovers [651]
Where cast of the Naruto Universe are inserted into an alternate universe.
Essays & Tutorials [17]
An area to submit intelligent essays debating topics about the Naruto Universe and writing tutorial submissions.
 
General Fiction [1739]
Any Naruto fanfiction focused without romantic orientation, on a canon character in the current Naruto Universe.
OC-centric [865]
Any Naruto fanfic that has the major inclusion of a fan-made character.
Non-Naruto Fiction [291]
Self-evident
 
Shonen-ai/Yaoi Romance [1575]
Any Naruto fanfiction with the main plot orientating around male same sex couples.
MadFic [194]
Any fic with no real plot and humor based. Doesn't require correct spelling, paragraphing or punctuation but it's a very good idea.
 
Shojo-ai/Yuri Romance [106]
Any Naruto fanfiction with the main plot orientating around female same sex couples.
Fan Ninja Bingo Book [125]
An area to store fanfic information, such as bios, maps, political histories. No stories.
 
 

Site Info

Members: 11985
Series: 261
Stories: 5884
Chapters: 25418
Word count: 47689150
Authors: 2162
Reviews: 40828
Reviewers: 1750
Newest Member: Redxkenny
Challenges: 255
Challengers: 193
 


Penname: nkbz [Contact]
Real name: nkbz
Membership status: Member
Member since: 04/03/09
Website:
Beta-reader: Yes
Favorite Naruto Characters in order: Rock Lee, Kabuto, Kisame, Shino, Sai

Favorite Genres: OC-centric and/or Romance.

Dislikes: Fics that have warnings of OOC even when they don't plan on being OOC. *giggles*














[Report This]


Stories by nkbz [3]
Series by nkbz [0]
Challenges by nkbz [0]
Favorite Series [0]
nkbz's Favorites [0]
Reviews by nkbz


Title: People Who Are Important by XoxgaaraxoX
Rated: 18 Liked [Reviews - 9]
Summary: "One day I will be accepted too…I will fight for those who are important to me…brother…sister…and maybe one day friends..I will….me..Sabaku no Gaara..."

SPOILERS FOR SHIPPUUDEN!!!
Category: Het Romance > Top Six Pairs, Het Romance > Top Six Pairs > Naruto and Hinata, Het Romance > Top Six Pairs > Sasuke and Sakura, Het Romance > Top Six Pairs > Shikamaru and Temari
Characters: Gaara
Genres: General
Warnings: Death
Challenge: None
Series: None
Chapters: 24 | Completed: Yes | Word count: 117483 | Read count: 13028 [Report This]
Published: 16/02/08 | Updated: 17/02/08


Reviewer: nkbz Signed Liked
Date: 12/07/09 Title: Chapter 1: Prologue

Yo just wanted to let you know I'm a fan of this series. I first read it on aff

10/10



Title: Realization by sheechiibii
Rated: R18 Liked [Reviews - 70]
Summary: Sasuke and Naruto are a couple and have been for a little over a year now. They have each grown since Sasuke’s return and now not only is Sasuke head of the Anbu black ops, but Naruto is also in training to become the next Hokage. Everything seems wonderful. Though behind the smiles and all round happy atmosphere, there is one small piece of information – the type to shatter the heart of Naruto Uzumaki – and that is the revival of the Uchiha clan; Sasuke’s second goal. Now, since the death of his brother, the raven has only one goal, and that he will not relinquish…

 

SasuNaru…yaoi…m-preg...possibly OOC
Category: Shonen-ai/Yaoi Romance > Fluff (Shonen-ai/Yaoi), Shonen-ai/Yaoi Romance > Warned (Shonen-ai/Yaoi), Shonen-ai/Yaoi Romance > Angst (Shonen-ai/Yaoi), Shonen-ai/Yaoi Romance > Top Pairings > Sasuke and Naruto
Characters: Konohamaru Sarutobi, Naruto Uzumaki, Pair KakaIruk, Pair SasuNaru, Sasuke Uchiha, Team Gai, Team Rookie Nine, Team Sand Siblings
Genres: Angst, Dark, Graphic lemon, Romance
Warnings: OOC, Sexual Themes, Yaoi
Challenge: None
Series: None
Chapters: 16 | Completed: Yes | Word count: 76883 | Read count: 28950 [Report This]
Published: 23/04/08 | Updated: 27/03/09


Reviewer: nkbz Signed Liked
Date: 13/03/09 Title: Chapter 1: Morning

I check up on the most recent updates pretty often and almost vowed at one point to stop reading all the yaoi fics drabbled up by young hormonal fangirls. It's inevitable though as they congest the world of fap fiction. I just had enough coffee and figured I could brave my way through all the "grasping of hardness" and must say this is better than most. I've actually read about three of the chapters and skimmed through others. I'm not sure why you suddenly are telling the story from first person on chapt 13 but I'm guessing there is a reason. Of course Naruto gets a slap of OOC by suddenly being the fragile uke boy, but that's to be expected. The writing itself is pretty good (your other reviewer seems to think you screw up all the time) and you avoid the words penis, sperm, anus and fingers quite well. To sum it up its hawt, over dramatic, the story flows well and the characters share the names of Naruto characters. In the end this is a positive review, and I respect the fact that fans enjoy these types of fics and you provide them well.

8/10

Author's Response:

Thank you C= I'm always happy to get positive feedback.
There was a reason that Naruto went ooc at some points hehe, I usually wouldn't do that since I'm not a complete fan of SasuNaru...to be totally honest I actually prefer NaruSasu...I'm not sure if you can tell by the story but yeah
...i don't like those words lol they make stories sound so much more common, well...to me anyways.

Thankies for reviewing!

Xx..xX



Title: Thunder and Swirls by Kamisori
Rated: 15 Liked [Reviews - 235]
Summary:
Hello my name is Kaminari Hiyori, but my friends call me Nari. I am from the Hiyori clan, whose members specialize in elemental control and jutsu. My clan believes that depending on the weather conditions on the day that a baby is born, is how we are destined to our element. We are also named to match our element. My name means thunder and I control and use electric based jutsu. I was born during an electrical storm. My Aunt, Kasumi, was born when a heavy mist covered the land. Thus her name means mist, and her element is liquid and poison based. Aunt Kasumi had taken care of me ever since my parents died. I’m graduating from the Ninja Academy soon. Hopefully, I’ll be put with my best friend, Naruto Uzamaki.
Category: OC-centric
Characters: All
Genres: Action/Adventure, Drama, Humor, Mystery, Romance
Warnings: Death
Challenge: None
Series: None
Chapters: 47 | Completed: Yes | Word count: 65745 | Read count: 80804 [Report This]
Published: 01/06/08 | Updated: 03/05/09


Reviewer: nkbz Signed Liked
Date: 01/07/09 Title: Chapter 47: Gathered Here Today

“Not even a year after your death, she is raped by none other then Itachi Uchiha.”

LOL. no please.

"It’s becomes a son that she will name, Shuichi. Shortly before Shuichi is born, Lee proposes to Jessica, who of course says, “yes.”

Oh hell no. Did you just package the biggest Mary-Sue bomb into one big paragraph then basically tell Jessica to lay off her little rape fantasy by reassuring us that a persons choice can alter that future?

Well I sure hope that's what you meant.

I don't want this some angels granting her random powers capable of destroying Orochimaru. It's not my fic but...damn... Sad face for real.

The rest was very sweet and touching and the way you described everyone's feelings for nari's death was great.

Author's Response: Sorry, but this IS Jessica Kamiya. There was a reason why Kaminari felt a pang of jealousy towards her and the need to surpass her when she was alive. Kaminari is to Jessica as Naruto as to Sasuke. Plus, Jessica and Shuichi are not my characters. When I write, I try to keep characters in character as much as possible. Including OCs. Thanks for reviewing and whether you like it or not, you shall now be known to me as \"my fan.\" :3 Also, thanks for being honest.



Reviewer: nkbz Signed Liked
Date: 17/07/09 Title: Chapter 14: The Fallen Hiyori

I agree with kitty! Shino fluff is required!

Author's Response: =^.^= lol, I\'m going to remember that, nkbz!



Title: Truth or Dare With The K-Ks! by Kamisori, kuramasgurl018
Rated: 15 Liked [Reviews - 105]
Summary: It was only a matter of time before Kamisori and kuramasgurl018 got together to make a story! Welcome to Truth or Dare With The K-Ks! Where--Dammit Yusuke! Stop interupting me! Anyways, Welcome to the truth or dare show with, two, that's right TWO different animes can answer your questions or do your dares! What would these almighty animes be? Naruto and Yu Yu Hakusho! So come on in and bring your best questions and dares with you! Because things are going to get wild! Believe it!
Photobucket

Preview:

Yusuke: Damn you two psychos!
Razor-san: *twitches and waves hand*
Orochimaru: *suddenly falls on Yusuke*
Razor-san: There! That's what you get! Now deal with a gay snake on your ass!
Yusuke: *horrified* EXCUSE ME?!
Orochimaru: *offended* Excuse me?
K-gurl: *chuckles*

Category: Non-Naruto Fiction, MadFic > Parody, Alternate Universe & Crossovers > Crossovers, General Fiction > Naruto, Het Romance > Fluff, Non-Naruto Fiction > Yu Yu Hakusho
Characters: All
Genres: Action/Adventure, Drama, General, Humor, Parody, Supernatural
Warnings: OOC
Challenge: None
Series: None
Chapters: 20 | Completed: No | Word count: 56987 | Read count: 36043 [Report This]
Published: 05/07/08 | Updated: 21/07/09


Reviewer: nkbz Signed
Date: 21/07/09 Title: Chapter 20: Don’t Mess With Chuck Norris and Kuwabara the Powerpuff Girl

I don't know if these have been done before, but it can be more material :O

Dares:

Dare Kiba to pick someone to ride around on Akamaru.

Gaara could dare Sakura to try her power punch vs his sand shield, or the other way around.

Dare Sai to comment on how large Naruto's penis is.

Question/Truth:

Ask Neji if he believes or thought at one point Lee would defeat him in a 1v1.

Could go on about asking Lee if he secretly drinks Alcohol or is fond of it xP.

Author's Response: lol, ^_^b Alrighty then! Thanks 4 reviewing!



Reviewer: nkbz Signed
Date: 21/07/09 Title: Chapter 20: Don’t Mess With Chuck Norris and Kuwabara the Powerpuff Girl

(- -)/

nkbz: *does not finish reading*

I...I don't know how to review this...It's IMPOSSIBLE!

You asked Sai what you would look like if he drew you and he said a stick person? He could have came up with something meaner than that!

...And that's as far as I got...

nkbz: *leaves sneakily* ((((^_^;)

Author's Response: Haha! It was a long chapter! That\'s fo sho!



Title: Another Survivor: Uchiha Love Blossoms by Crimson Lily
Rated: 15 Liked [Reviews - 283]
Summary: Eight year old Katsumi Uchiha ran through the blood stained streets of the Uchiha compound, looking for him. He was important, he was her best friend. If she didn’t find him, life wouldn’t be worth living anymore. She had to find him before the Uchiha Clan killer did. Where are you? She thought frantically, trying to hold back the tears she knew were coming. Where are you, Sasuke?
Category: OC-centric, General Fiction > Naruto, Het Romance > Fluff
Characters: All, Pair OCSasu
Genres: Action/Adventure, Romance
Warnings: AU
Challenges: SASUKExOC,
Challenge: SASUKExOC,
Series: None
Chapters: 51 | Completed: Yes | Word count: 134305 | Read count: 113629 [Report This]
Published: 05/10/08 | Updated: 14/09/11


Reviewer: nkbz Signed
Date: 16/09/11 Title: Chapter 26: Chapter 26: Eyes of the Snake

I had no idea a Sasuke fangirl could squeeze so much fluff into one chapter -- even going so far as to use Orochimaru-sama as a stepping stone for means to include fluff.

FOR SHAME!

Author's Response: Uhhhh...is that a positive or negative comment? \r\nAnd I\'m actually (well, now I am, I\'m not sure about how I was when I wrote this, it\'s been at least a year or two) more of a Kakashi fangirl, so....\r\n=D\r\nThanks for reviewing!



Title: Pictures by DonniiE
Rated: 15 Liked [Reviews - 24]
Summary: Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Sahori Uchiha is a unique girl with special powers, but she also had a passion for taking pictures. Pictures are for storing memories, she believed.

In this story, you will read about Sahori's life and the challenges she will face through, and of course, the relationships she will have for different people.

Will she face a lot of struggles?
Or will she glide through life easily?
What will her life be like?
Is her past really what she thinks it is?
And what kind of person is Sahori Uchiha?

Read to find out.

Pairings: Sahori x Sasuke ;; Sahori x ?? . For now the pairing will be Sahori x Sasuke, but it may change in due time.
Category: OC-centric
Characters: All
Genres: Action/Adventure, Humor, Mystery, Romance
Warnings: None
Challenge: None
Series: None
Chapters: 7 | Completed: No | Word count: 21984 | Read count: 9423 [Report This]
Published: 22/02/09 | Updated: 25/04/09


Reviewer: nkbz Signed Liked
Date: 04/03/09 Title: Chapter 5: Pictures - 4 - Chunin Exams !

You were doing really well with the characters until Gaara popped up, I just don't like it when authors portray themselves from their OC's. Just going by what your a/n said anyway. It's better than most of the FFs out and I'm just pointing out stuff I disliked.

7/10

Author's Response: Heey . Thanks for the review . I knooow . >< When Gaara showed up, I felt that I kind of made it badly. To tell the truth, I wasn\'t \'portraying myself\' through Sahori. [x I just felt that the way I wrote it wasn\'t good . . . in fact, I think it was terrible maybe ? Okay, not terrible . Just bad . I didn\'t want to change it though . The plot will get better . ;D Anyways, thanks for the review again !



Title: We'll Make It Through The Night by Krokador
Rated: 12/12A Liked [Reviews - 4]
Summary: After nearly ten years of their friendship being broken, and seemingly beyond repair, Ino and Sakura rediscover each other and try to make up for the past.
Category: Shojo-ai/Yuri Romance > Top Pairs > Sakura and Ino
Characters: Ino Yamanaka, Naruto Uzumaki, Pair SakuIno, Sakura Haruno, Sasuke Uchiha
Genres: Angst, Romance
Warnings: Dark, Yuri
Challenge: None
Series: None
Chapters: 7 | Completed: Yes | Word count: 26690 | Read count: 13416 [Report This]
Published: 12/03/09 | Updated: 12/03/09


Reviewer: nkbz Signed
Date: 13/03/09 Title: Chapter 1: Prologue

Really interesting. The whole door thing for the first half of the prologue was a little drawn out and the end seemed a bit rushed as far as them getting "together". It's hard to picture Ino so broken down after she has been portrayed to be a stubborn rival of Sakura. Seems like this has a unique plot!

Author's Response: Yeah, well if you take into account that its been 10 years, even the most stubborn person would end up giving in at one point or another, no?\r\n\r\nAs for the whole door thing, I\'m not too sure which part of it you think is drawn out. If its the entire Sakura and Ino seeing each other then well, It could be. If its about how Sakura tried to find out who was there... Middle of the night, she\'s annoyed, it was long for a reason ;)\r\n\r\nThanks for the comments, and I hope you finish reading it :)



Title: FIRE HOUND: Eye of Destruction by MW Roach
Rated: 15 Liked [Reviews - 82]
Summary: THIS FANFIC IS COMPLETE. After an extended absence, bewildered Kaliana Inuzuka returns to Konoha; not to confront her uncle Kakashi; but to find some answers... for after a brutish and lonesome exile, Kaliana’s short-term memory has been sealed away deep in her subconscious. But, danger lurks around every corner as she uncovers a twisted plot involving a beastly demon hound from the past whose spirit lies in slumber within her soul. An ancient legend is reborn as Orochimaru plans to awaken the Fire Hound and unleash it upon The Leaf Village during the highly anticipated Chunin exams. It’s up to Naruto and friends to uncover the truth and prevent the destruction of the Leaf Village before it’s too late. Through trust and betrayal, through love and hate, and through life and death, one thing always remains: You can never change your destiny, no matter how hard you try…

Filled with excitement and adventure, you’ll be blown away by explosive battle scenes, new legends, and never-before-seen jutsus. With a mind-blowing surprise revealed in each chapter, Fire Hound is a nail-biting, action-pumped, brain teasing thriller guaranteed to leave you at the edge of your seat starving for more gut-busting fun with the newest addition to the Naruto cast: Kaliana Inuzuka!
Category: OC-centric, General Fiction > Character-Centric, General Fiction > Timeless
Characters: All
Genres: Action/Adventure, Humor, Mystery
Warnings: None
Challenge: None
Series: None
Chapters: 37 | Completed: Yes | Word count: 134382 | Read count: 46318 [Report This]
Published: 23/03/09 | Updated: 14/07/09


Reviewer: nkbz Signed Liked
Date: 16/07/09 Title: Chapter 1: ACT I: Ch1 "Who's That Girl?"

I really liked the first half of the chapter, good stuff. Not sure how I liked the last half and how Kakashi is her uncle. But the story is good so far. I'll continue.



Title: A Seeing Beauty by crazykittylover
Rated: 15 Liked [Reviews - 72]
Summary: WARNING: OLD VERSION please do not read if you wish to actually see the fixed preferred version of the work.

This version will no longer be worked on for I have rewritten it due to some writing difficulties that were too great in this version. The new version will be named A Seeing Beauty (2.0). Hope you enjoy.

CKL
...............................................................................
...............................................................................
Category: Alternate Universe & Crossovers > Crossovers, General Fiction > Naruto, Het Romance > Fluff, Het Romance > Angst, Alternate Universe & Crossovers > Real World
Characters: All, Pair OCSasu
Genres: Action/Adventure, Angst, Dark, Drama, Graphic lemon, Humor, Tragedy
Warnings: Dark, Death, OOC, Rape, Sexual Themes
Challenge: None
Series: The Beauty
Chapters: 20 | Completed: Yes | Word count: 51384 | Read count: 30668 [Report This]
Published: 19/04/09 | Updated: 07/05/10


Reviewer: nkbz Signed Liked
Date: 01/07/09 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: The Beginning of Anew

I liked how you introduced Jasmine by using another character.

Like your other story you have a lot of characters doing a lot of different things at once and it can get confusing. When you change to those characters POVs so often it gets annoying and reminds the reader that they are reading a fan fiction rather than actually experiencing it. I'd just stay in third person. This is only the first chapter though.

Author's Response: ty, it doesnt change so often as it did in the 1st chapter, the other chapters it might change a few times\r\n



Title: Lights, Camera, The Eight Are in Action! by crazykittylover
Rated: 12/12A Liked [Reviews - 20]
Summary: LCEA
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

br />Eight actresses with their own infamous YouTube show The Eight Obessors fall into their dream world, Naruto but, not all is as it seems from the show. The gifts they receive and their knowledge of the world proves dangerous and their leader’s mind knows just how to use it.
Category: General Fiction > Naruto, Het Romance > Fluff, Het Romance > Warned
Characters: All
Genres: Humor
Warnings: Sexual Themes
Challenge: None
Series: The Eight
Chapters: 7 | Completed: No | Word count: 14160 | Read count: 11046 [Report This]
Published: 25/04/09 | Updated: 28/11/09


Reviewer: nkbz Signed
Date: 01/07/09 Title: Chapter 2: Chapter 2 Kiwi Singing

Way too many characters...I cannot follow what is going on.

Author's Response: .....there are only 8 girls...I can\'t get rid of any....i try to make it clearer ty 4 the rev



Title: Beneath the Surface by ontuva
Rated: 18 Liked [Reviews - 56]
Summary:



Waking up from a hospital bed with no recollection of the past events can be life changing. For some people it could mean the end of the world. For Akako, it seems life is giving a second chance. But sometimes the nightmares aren't just dreams and sometimes remembering isn't as good as forgetting.

Eventually Kakashi/OC. Rated for language and later chapters. I have detailed warnings in the beginning of each chapter, so you'll know what you are up against.

A/N(16/6/11): I re-wrote the prologue since I wasn't completely happy with it. Some chapters might receive minor changes too.
Category: OC-centric, Het Romance > Angst
Characters: All
Genres: Action/Adventure, Angst, Dark, Romance, Supernatural
Warnings: Dark, Death, OOC, Sexual Themes
Challenge: None
Series: None
Chapters: 20 | Completed: No | Word count: 53817 | Read count: 8988 [Report This]
Published: 09/05/09 | Updated: 07/01/13


Reviewer: nkbz Signed Liked
Date: 21/07/09 Title: Chapter 4: Chakradagapra

Really nice, your OC definitely has a strong personality! ++ for poking naked breast *grin* Kakashi tolerates her really well xD. (thank god)

Only criticism is that 2/3rds of the entire chapter was all about training, you could have moved on a bit quicker by having your character explain to the readers the things you went over, until you stumble upon the important stuff like the healing, etc.

Author's Response: Oh, geez, you kept reading! ^^ I\'m happy now. :D Well, of course I had to make her poke her breasts, because I\'m a perver-...uhm. Let\'s pretend I didn\'t say that.
\r\nAnd thank you for the criticism! I have noticed I have a problem of making long stories about some rather trivial matters and then I wake up and notice I should be writing about something important to storyline instead. ^^\'\' My mind has a habit of wandering.
\r\nThank you so much for reading AND reviewing!



Reviewer: nkbz Signed
Date: 17/07/09 Title: Chapter 2: Of questions and answers

"Akako" gets special attention in Konoha :P I wonder who she is. Chapter 2 and I still don't anything about the plot and why Kakashi is devoting his time to her.

Author's Response: Well, I don\'t want to ruin the surprise. Let\'s just say Akako is someone who had a pretty messed up life and mental state of a crazy person. Actually if you count 1+1 from all the chapters (especially prologue) you can pretty well guess why she has the special attention. I can give you hints from prologue.
\r\n“We both now the girl is dangerous. She has killed everyone that has crossed her paths, but she\'s not even the one that I\'m worried about. We both now she\'s controlled by someone or something, so we need her alive!” \r\n“If you seal her mind, she won\'t remember anything, neither who she was or what she has done. She shall have total amnesia and then her master can\'t control her anymore.”
\r\nAnd of course she is a total Mary Sue.
\r\nBut hey, thanks for your review! And hopefully you\'ll come back and read more. :)\r\n



Reviewer: nkbz Signed
Date: 17/07/09 Title: Chapter 1: Prologue

kinky. lol



Title: No Mary-Sue, Make my OC blue ='[ by nkbz
Rated: 15 Liked [Reviews - 39]
Summary: Takuyamo-chan arrives through one of the various methods of arriving into the Naruto universe only to discover he is not in Konoha, possibly not even close to it. Confused and frustrated he has no powers like the other OC fan fictions he adores, he begins a quest to attain Mary-Sue powers and experience the Naruto world as he had seen in his favorite fan fictions! Parodies of popular fics included.

Of course it will have lemons(Ok I lied)! Some distasteful language and situations await. And everything else that will get you to view it Photobucket
Category: OC-centric, MadFic > Parody
Characters: All
Genres: Action/Adventure, Angst, Drama, Humor, Parody, Romance
Warnings: AU, Death, Drabble, OOC, Sexual Themes
Challenge: None
Series: None
Chapters: 6 | Completed: No | Word count: 4634 | Read count: 11573 [Report This]
Published: 26/06/09 | Updated: 25/04/12


Reviewer: nkbz Signed
Date: 07/07/09 Title: Chapter 3: Another Uchiha Fic: Operation Uchiha Reproduction

"arrr no buttsecks with itachi?! u trixx'd me... 1/10 star!" Taku groaned.

Get out of my reviews Taku! You didn't wish for a laptop with wireless internet you dumbass.

Author's Response: Thanks for the constructive criticism. Normally when I see reviews they are all like: ZOMG THAT WAS SO KAWAIII ^_^ I LUBB THAT, etc. But that was new, and pleasing. You desire buttsex, I will take that into consideration and thank you for your review mr. random person on narutofic!



Title: Forgotten Thunder by Kamisori
Rated: 15 Liked [Reviews - 52]
Summary: ::Sequel to Thunder and Swirls::

Kamichi tells me that ghosts have no reason to keep track of time, but I do anyways. It’s been four years. Four years since I was killed and so much has changed. Most of my friends have moved on without me, but there are three that keep my, “spirit” alive. Two visit my grave regularly, and one has made it her life’s mission to bring me back.

And she thinks she has finally found a way.

[Shino/OC] [Lee/OC] [Kakashi/OC]
Category: OC-centric, Het Romance > Fluff, General Fiction > Post-Naruto, Het Romance > Top Six Pairs > Naruto and Hinata, Het Romance > Top Six Pairs > Sasuke and Sakura
Characters: All
Genres: Drama, General, Humor, Romance, Tragedy
Warnings: Death, OOC
Challenge: None
Series: None
Chapters: 11 | Completed: Yes | Word count: 13966 | Read count: 18064 [Report This]
Published: 28/06/09 | Updated: 21/07/10


Reviewer: nkbz Signed Liked
Date: 03/08/09 Title: Chapter 6: Jessica’s Efforts In Vain?

I really liked this chapter. The details about Kaminari’s new medical condition were well thought out and will be interesting to see how she manages it, and how her friends approach the situation. It is going in a good direction!

Some things I noticed were how you seemed to skip the fact there was a large lightning storm/strike over the grave area and there was no notice of how much time had passed since Jessica teleported her. Unless every ninja was outside of Konoha at the time, I’m sure one of the 11 people that arrived with Naruto would have at least mentioned it or informed each other of the lightning--rather than Kiba’s response. And even if they actually had noticed it, it still wouldn’t have been correct due to how unaware Sakura was approaching the Hokage.

Personally in an earlier chapter I would have made a chapter about Jessica and Lee discussing her plans to revive Kaminari, rather than keeping it a secret. It would have been a deep, dramatic/emotional chapter, leading up to an even more dramatic event while showing us Jessica’s personality and giving realism/details to the revival. They got married and had a kid for kami’s sake; Lee should have been in on the plan! xO

Anyway, I think the story is going in a good direction now and will pick up from here on! I sense some Shino drama about to happen, fluff it up! Have him attach some bugs onto Kaminari to supply her chakra when she needs instead of sucking it away lol xD jk. Enjoy your summer, but the way you put it is bad *wink* (taking a break from the story so you can enjoy summer) haha.

8/10 It's coma btw, and rarely do people come out of one normal. *evil laugh*

Author's Response: Ah, well...at least the story\'s getting better! Thanks for the review!



Reviewer: nkbz Signed Liked
Date: 21/09/09 Title: Chapter 7: Angel Wears Sneakers

lol fail guardian is full of fail.

"Uh... by the way...about you coming back to life and everything...I shoulda known about that and your best friend going into a coma. Annnnndddd about you knowing my name...yeah I really messed up on that one also considering you one of those 'normal humans' and I don't think you'll be going to go to heaven. Oh--and sorry to hear you'll never be a ninja again, but don't worry, at least you'll have me in your dreams *wink wink*"

LMAO

You need to pull some harry potter crap and get a wand and pull out those memories of his name xD.

review: The chapter was a bit funny. Everything was all cute with the pairings but a bit rushed. It read out like a list of pairings with a few comments thrown in. Kaminari saying she wants someone to tell her who all the "pairings" are reminded me right away I'm reading a fanfiction. (Was at least expecting a build up to Shino! xP)

Anyway the chapter soon picked up and we got some good information about her emotions and current state compared to everyone else and more info about the not so guardian angel.

-1 for the all the pairings talk. I think you could do more to portray all the crap that has happened during the time skip rather than pointing out everyone is holding hands, wearing wedding rings, and taking care of a baby. The only good part out of it for me was the ring on Kasumi's finger. Then I started thinking about Kaminari's aunt being married to her teacher lol.

+1 because the guardian part made me giggle.

10/10

Author's Response: Yay for good feedback. :) Thanks for the good review. Well like you said, it IS a fanfiction.



Reviewer: nkbz Signed
Date: 14/10/09 Title: Chapter 9: Shino’s Competition?

Love triangle incoming! Write on lightning-san, good chapter! I like the way you introduced Sai and how you described him.

I think It would have been cool if you had made this sequel in first person now that I see how often you are portraying her thoughts and emotions aside from Naruto at the end. Just typing out my observation. xD

I think you are on a roll now so don't stop.

Ardi fails. haha

Author's Response: I\'ve been waiting for you to say that. xD First pov is difficult for me to do. It will revolve around Nari, yes, but I like the style that I\'m writing it. Thanks for the review.



Reviewer: nkbz Signed
Date: 21/09/09 Title: Chapter 8: Heaven’s Gates Won’t Open Up For Me

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmz.

review:
*Yoda voice* A most interesting approach, discussing Naruto afterlife is. But beware! Caution you must take when including these angels, for down another path it may lead. Clouded is the future of this fiction...as is the fate of Kaminari. Odd is the apparent lack of knowledge of her closest companion. Meditate on this further, I will. *end*

*start Vader voice* I find your lack of inspiration...disturbing...However I will spare you this time. You may find that I won't be as forgiving next chapter.

*Obi-Wan* -Ah I don't want to hear you excuses this time y.n You have plenty of time to produce material at the academy. Perhaps in Algebra you would find your best opportunity. Heed those words my young apprentice, or Shino may never magically appear in your bedroom.


Whats with the emo chapter. All this angel stuff is getting annoying.

Author's Response: Too bad. The \'angel stuff\' is important to the story, thus, I will put emphisis on it! Star Wars and Shino in my bedroom. I think I\'ve had that dream before. xD Thanks for the feedback!



Reviewer: nkbz Signed Liked
Date: 30/06/09 Title: Chapter 1: Summary of a Dead Girl

Wooot! You are back!! I love your stories. I hope you don't mind but I parodied your fic a bit in my own. I'm a fan ^_^.

-1 for making me read slanty!

Author's Response: lol, I\'m happy to have a fan! Sorry for all the italics in the first chapter, but it was all thoughts. Thanks for reviewing!

Author's Response: lol, I\'m happy to have a fan! Sorry for all the italics in the first chapter, but it was all thoughts. Thanks for reviewing!

Author's Response: lol, I\'m happy to have a fan! Sorry for all the italics in the first chapter, but it was all thoughts. Thanks for reviewing!



Reviewer: nkbz Signed Liked
Date: 12/07/09 Title: Chapter 4: Gai’s Inspiration and Kamichi’s Question

You should get a picture of your OC, it would get a lot of views (The alive one of course)

The chapter itself was basically dead jokes and two slight builds ups: Asking if she would prefer to return to life (which will happen eventually, poor Kamichi) and Jessica receiving permission to use the Sue no Jutsu.

The whole Itachi rape thing still bothers me as Itachi would never rape anyone. Jessica’s willingness to just hand the kid to Lee if she died would also make Lee OOC because his passionate mission of pursuing his way of the ninja would be tossed out of the window, just as the baby should.

5/10

Anyway, enough of the dislikes. Time for constructive criticism and suggestions after seeing you are open to them in your profile.

Constructive Criticism/Suggestions: Aside from the amount of OOC of canon characters, I would suggest toning down Jessica’s involvement in the story unless she is working on reviving you, which would be very touching since in the previous chapter you were missing her (And yes, her living after using a magic Jutsu to revive you would make me rage). The amount of Mary-Sue since you have returned to writing has been over-kill in my opinion. Nari’s reaction to the amount of people who showed up was odd because surely being a ghost for four years she would have already seen the previous anniversaries unless I misread somewhere. Perhaps you could create a reason as to why so many people showed at this fourth anniversary, an example being something tragic happening to another clan member. Otherwise it is just more Mary-Sue. Also I would suggest not riding on the story line this time around seeing as how Sasuke has returned.

Author's Response: I\'ve actually drawn a picture of Kaminari but I has not a scanner to scan it to the computer. =[ lol you REALLY dislike Jessica. Please remember that Thunder and Swirls was based on information BEFORE the truth of the clan killing was revealed. I didn\'t plan on using the Naruto story arc now. (that would be pointless) So sorry for the amount of Mary-sue-age. ^_^\' I will try to do better. Thanks for the the cronstructive criticism.



Reviewer: nkbz Signed Liked
Date: 24/07/09 Title: Chapter 5: See You Later Kamichi!

Well I called the Mary-Sue-no-Jutsu revival. Heaven's Resurrection? Uncreative way to do the revival, considering no one else in the Naruto universe could pull that off.

Kaminari had no knowledge that Jessica was preparing to revive her after wandering around as a ghost for years and instead watches Sasuke’s change of heart? It’s just like how you made a special exception to Kaminari suddenly realizing people show up for the anniversaries of her death.

Tsunade’s reaction to a jutsu of that magnitude was fail: Naruto gets scolded and has his “Rasenshuriken” labeled as a Forbidden Jutsu when his hand gets torn up, yet Tsunade is lenient in allowing Jessica to use a Kinjutsu revival technique with some magic scroll that puts Orochimaru’s revival of the Hokages to shame. How nice of Tsunade to care about the wellbeing of Jessica’s child while she goes off to do the impossible. *sighs*

I’d ask for an explanation of how she could pull this off and still be an ordinary ninja, but you would probably just add that explanation into your next chapter.

I giggled a bit, but other than that it seems like you abused the Mary-Sue and took the easy way out to get your character up and running again. The story will probably get better once your OC can actually socialize with other characters once again, and that seems to be where your fics excel, but I think you should have spent the last four chapters giving some sort of foundation to the rest of your story, rather than jokes and ghostly observations full of contradictions.

3/10 Downhill, too much OOC-ness compared to T&S, not enough information.

Author's Response: This chapter was an epic fail then, huh? lol, sorry. Next chapter should be better. Thanks for the honest review.



Reviewer: nkbz Signed
Date: 12/07/09 Title: Chapter 4: Gai’s Inspiration and Kamichi’s Question

(In response to the review response)

I don’t dislike Jessica, just how she is invading your story. You always did really well with keeping Hinata/Naruto/Shino among others in great character, but when you include Jessica it becomes bleh due to the outrageous things that follow. Itachi wouldn’t rape her. Lee wouldn’t marry her at such a young age and give up his dream. Tsunade gives special attention to her and allows her to use some special Jutsu and she has no problem with leaving that kid with Lee.

With abilities to read minds, copy kekkei genkai, defeat Orochimaru at her age, and be the only person in existence to harness the “Legendary Signature Eye”. She would be the next Hanzō, not tagging along with a lowly canon team of her choice. You can’t deny she is one of the biggest Mary-Sue’s out there and she sticks out like a sore thumb in your own fiction, even using her real name as her character. The ways you try to mask this is and include her is uncreative. I am guessing Jessica is your friend in real life or something similar. Sorry for being harsh but most of it would be common sense even for a fan fiction. Ironic that the title is “Forgotten Kaminari (Thunder)”

Author's Response: You\'re right on most of it. 100% percent about Itachi. But in Jessica\'s defense, Tsunade gives special attention to Naruto and I believe that if Lee truely fell in love, he would stand by his wife/lover\'s side no matter what. In addition, most ninja die at a (fairly )young age so I wouldn\'t be surprised if they would have arranged marriages and marriage at a young age without it being frowned upon. Wanna know a spoiler/secret? Jessica\'s kekkei genkai didn\'t have a name. Her parents didn\'t have a name. Infact, a nice chunk of info wasn\'t given to me when I first got Jessica\'s profile, but I did my best with what I had. I admit, I took the Mary-sue test with everyone of my OCs and Jessica as well. Jessica may have not gotten the...best score, but it amazes me how quickly people are ready to cut your throat for your OC having an unusual mark or more then 1 guy fall for them. I guess when they met reality, they were shell shocked. Funny, I know people who are anything BUT a sue yet would be classified as one. Now I\'m not trying to start an argument with you, (you\'re opinions helped in more ways then you probably realize) I do not think you were trying to be harsh and I apreciate you bringing this up. (lol, I see you caught on to some of the reasons the sequel was named the way it was.) I\'m not blind. I am well aware that the first couple chapters are...less then satifactory. I hope my future chapters and writing will be more enjoyable for you. Ha, ha. I guess my new writing goal is to impress you. ^_~



Title: Moon's Light, Reality's Dream by G i g a L O V E
Rated: 18 Round robin Liked [Reviews - 3]
Summary: [Kakashi/OFC][Gaara/OFC] Hitori, Anbu operative sent to spy on the Kazekage for scheming Danzou. Nisei, Anbu captain unable to forget about the past, gets thrown back into Hatake Kakashi's life.
Category: Het Romance > Angst
Characters: Pair OCGaa, Pair OCKaka
Genres: Action/Adventure, Drama, General, Romance
Warnings: OOC, Sexual Themes
Challenge: None
Series: None
Chapters: 10 | Completed: No | Word count: 45496 | Read count: 2613 [Report This]
Published: 01/07/09 | Updated: 24/07/09


Reviewer: nkbz Signed
Date: 07/07/09 Title: Chapter 2: 無慈悲 (Mercilessness)

I'm making a comment before reading the entire thing. YOUR CHAPTERS/PARAGRAPHS ARE HUUUUUUGGGEEE. You need to bring in the lemons in the first sentence or something (joke).

But seriously, you would have many more reviews if your chapters weren't so large. The story itself is incredibly deep and so are the OC's yet most won't have the attention span to go 1000 words in without the word Sasuke or Naruto fitted in somewhere along the way.

Author's Response: I mainly blame it on being an author. We tend to think of it as a novel. We were going to write this story regardless, but we decided why not post it, if we\'re going to write it. I did take notice that most reviews are towards romantic, lemon infested stories. I\'m not saying its bad. The story is going to be long, so we made, insanely epically long chapters. I\'m sorry if it is a bit intimidating at first. I figured that the readers could take it paragraph by paragraph, if they were truly intrigued for that matter. It\'s too late to change anything or go back. As the story goes deeper, the characters of Naruto will appear more. I didn\'t expect many reviews to begin with. We fully understand that the OC\'s were not going to be liked, or perhaps their stories would be too long. But we also hoped that the reader would grow to love the characters. The story itself is undergoing being drawn into a manga, so we do our best to make it as descriptive as possible. Maybe someone will appreciate every bit of it, or maybe not. Thank you VERY much for your review. I\'ll take your suggestions into consideration. \r\n\r\n- Lisa