SIX WEEKS PRIOR

“No trail? How could there be no trail?” He let out in a harsh whisper, his eyes steely with frustration. As I observed my blonde teammate for a moment, I couldn’t help but admit that he did mature, exceptionally. He put more effort into our missions, maybe because we were getting C and B rank missions now and hadn’t done a D rank in almost a year. Or maybe it was because of Jiraiya and…. Ever since he heard the news….Naruto’s really grown up.

Pushing these somber thoughts to the back of my mind, I turned my attention back to his question and lowering my head to pay attention to Pakkun who sat before us on the black gravel.

“I’m telling you Naruto, it just went cold. Whatever jutsu he used, he completely disappeared. He left no scent trail or anything that we could use. I’m sorry.” Pakkun told us in solemn agitation. If there was anything that angered a nin dog, it was losing a scent.

Naruto cursed and straightened, punching the tree to his left and leaned against it, running his bloodied hand through his hair, which thoroughly disgusted me, but I knew he was too angry to pay attention to what he was doing.

“We were so close.” He said, grunting, and turning back around. “Does Kakashi-sensei know?”

Pakkun inclined his head, and scratched at his hear with his rear paw “Tira told him, but he hasn’t given any further direction. To be honest Naruto, I’ve never seen Kakashi this shaken since the Fourth’s death…”

I lowered my head. Great sadness, anger, anguish, hopelessness and guilt suddenly welled up inside of me and threatened to burst in the form of hot tears. She had put up one hell of a fight, one goddamn hell of a fight…but it wasn’t enough. Whoever he was overpowered her and ended it before any of us could intervene. If she had only let us help her…only let us fight with her…but she had refused assistance. She was always so stubborn. So fucking stubborn. Just like the Third.

I lifted my hand and placed my fingers over the pale green diamond that adorned the middle of my forehead….

Her words rang through my head like they had every night since the invasion, since that horrid night. I had done what she told me to never do, under any circumstances. I had created a Yin Seal on myself. She was angry for months, and the first time she did speak to me, was to shout the words that just ran through my mind. I had had no choice, the battle had been too close, and Naruto’s life as well as my own and Sai’s were directly on the line. The Rain nin had been too strong…

For months I had snuck into the forbidden section of the library in the Hokage’s tower and read all the scrolls I could find that she had written about her seal, and I perfected the technique should the need ever arise and when it did, I didn’t hesitate, despite what she told me. My own youth and well-being didn’t matter like Naruto’s did. I hasn’t since he left and Naruto was there for me night and day.

There was nothing like feeling all of that chakra flow into my system all at once, where before it would take months to replenish my chakra supply. I never knew someone could actually feel so invincible, unstoppable, like nothing and no one could beat me, no matter who they were. And so I unleashed on the bastard that nearly killed us. I hadn’t killed him however, I wanted to-at a great length-, but we needed him for interrogation. From what our sources told us, he had information on the Akatsuki and Ibiki wanted him completely coherent.

This happened only week before she….

I didn’t go to her funeral. I know it sounds terrible of me, but I just couldn’t go, I couldn’t bear to see all those people and face the fact that she was really dead. It was too much….

“Sakura-chan….”

“Sakura?”

“Sakura-chan!”

After my name sounded loud in my ear, I snapped my head up and looked over an Naruto, who regarded me with a concerned look. “Are you okay?” He asked, blinking a couple of times and I nodded, turning back to Pakkun.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine, I just spaced out that’s all.” I told them both after noticing that Pakkun’s expression was mournful.

“How are you holding up Sakura? Its only been a week.” He asked me. “It must’ve hit you the hardest…you and Shizune.”

“It hit us all hard.” I replied, avoiding his and Naruto’s eyes. They didn’t know just how hard it did hit me. It was unbearable to see her lying there, in a growing pool of her own blood, eyes closed and body completely still, half her torso missing.

I had heard someone screaming frantically, high pitched and terrified. It was only after they pulled me away from her body where I had tried desperately to reviver her, did I realize the screaming was coming from me.“She’s gone Sakura-chan! She’s gone! There isn’t anything you can do!” He had yelled in my ear, gripping my upper arms and attempting to drag me away, but I fought him with all my strength.

“No! No I can save her! Let me go I have to save her!” I screamed back at him, and slammed the heel of my boot down on his foot, and he screamed in pain and let me go. He was strong, but they didn’t call it Iron Fist for nothing.

After I got free from the ninja, I raced back over to her body and attempted the healing technique again, and again…and again, crying and screaming all the while. Faintly I had heard Naruto’s voice yelling my name and could see his feet running over to me through my peripheral vision, but the other ninja who’s foot I shattered stopped him and said: “Leave her. She needs to come away on her own. She’s in shock and she’ll only fight you.”

"But Kakashi-sensei..."

It was at this point, through my blurred vision and blurred mind did the realization occur to me, and I stopped the technique, blinking my eyes and moving away from her. She really was dead, I had only wasted chakra. As I stared at the horrible wound that marred her body, I saw that nothing was healed despite my efforts….dead cells can’t be healed.

“Sakura-chan?” Naruto said, his voice cracking with tears, as he walked around her body and knelt down beside me, but I didn’t look at him, I only stared at her body, my eyes wide an my body trembling.

“I-I tried to..save her…I…I had” I mumbled, not able to form a coherent sentence. I choked and buried my face in my hands. I didn’t want to see the mess she was in anymore. I wanted to forget this, to open my eyes and see her standing in front of me, hands on her hips, and hazel eyes staring at me curiously and annoyingly, wondering why I was on my knees crying. I wanted her to tell me how foolish and stupid it was cry over nothing and to get up and get back to work. But I didn’t want to open my eyes because I knew what I would see, and it wouldn’t be what I wanted.

I wanted to live in denial. I wanted it. I didn’t want to listen when they said she was dead, when they said I needed to move on. And I would say: “Why should I move on? She isn’t dead.” They would shake their heads in sad, swaying motions at me and my daft denial. My stupid, ignorant denial. The truth was, I needed her. I needed my Sensei, without her…where would I turn? Who would I talk to? Naruto, maybe. But there were just things he didn’t understand, he didn’t need to understand, but Tsunade, she always understood. She always knew how to help me, even if it was just hitting me over the head and calling me a moron because sometimes that’s just what I needed.

….And now she was gone. I’d never hear her voice issuing commands or hear her scold Jiraiya and deck him a good one for some crude remark he‘d made. I’d never stumble down the streets with her after she’d had too much sake…I would miss her terribly and swore to her that I wouldn’t let her death be in vain. I would find the fucking asshole that did this and I would make him suffer so much he’d beg for death. I would get to him even if I had to dedicate my life.

After I told Naruto this, after I looked into his broken, tear-stained face and told him this, he shook his head.

I frankly didn’t give a damn what she would’ve wanted for me, I wanted this. I wanted to make sure she was avenged. I wanted him to know he couldn’t just take a Hokage, and a sensei away from a village without paying for it and I was quite sure there were plenty other people who felt the exact same way.

When I spat my protest at him and glared at him with the deep, burning anger that flared in my stomach, he shook his head some more and more tears fell from his eyes. He had turned away from me and placed his hand over Tsunade’s cold one. “Tell her. Tell her Granny…” He whispered.

I didn’t say anything after that, only turned my teary glare downward.

“You don’t understand.” I had muttered, and I felt his shard gaze on me.

“I don’t understand? How the hell do you think I felt after Pervy Sage died?! Sakura-chan, how can you even say that?”

“Then he didn’t mean to you what she meant to me.”

 “I will kill whoever did this. I have to.” I had said to him, still not looking at him. “This…this won’t go unpunished. Whoever did this must pay, she‘s Hokage. It’s law.”

“She still is.” I sneered. “If you’re not going to help me find him, then I’ll go alone. We owe this to her.”

Naruto lifted his and stared at me, defeated.

Don’t become another Sasuke…that’s what he had told me. I wasn’t anything like Sasuke….Was I? I had wanted revenge…I wanted to rip the man apart for what he did, for taking what didn’t belong to him…Was I really like Sasuke?

Was I?

No. I didn’t abandon my village…but then of course I didn’t have to because the next day an order was issued to go after the man. But…I would’ve…for her. Because she was worth it. I didn’t care what happened to me as long as this man’s debts were paid…

Is that how Sasuke felt…feels? If it is then I can’t blame him any longer. I can’t curse him and I can’t hate him. Because this pain…No one should have to feel this pain. No one should have to die the way Tsunade did, or the way his family did. But…this was reality…that’s what Shikamaru had told me.

“Sakura. People die, everyday. That’s the reality of things. Tsunade, she would’ve died someday and she died protected the thing she loved most in this world….”

“She didn’t die protecting Sake..” Naruto had butted in with a smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes. If it had been anyone but Naruto, I would’ve pummeled them, but cracking jokes was just the way he coped, if he didn‘t laugh, he‘d cry. He didn’t mean any disrespect, but he did get a very irritated look from Shikamaru.

“She died protecting her village and I doubt she would’ve done anything different. One dies to protect hundreds. I would’ve done it, Naruto would’ve, you and anyone else in this village. Sakura, if it meant saving every other life in this village wouldn’t you give your life for it?”

“Well then why are you so angry at her?”

.“I-I’m not angry at her..I..” I replied, but he interrupted me.

“Oh come on Sakura, quit lyin’ to yourself. Sure you’re angry at her killer, we all are, but you’re more angry at her…Because she didn’t ask for help, because when the opportunity arose to save herself, she didn’t take it. Because you feel that…she let herself die.”

I turned my head and glared at the wall. I hated the fact that he was so goddamn smart, that he could tell so much and not even be slightly wrong.

I hadn’t said anything after that, only looked at him with tired eyes and then walked out of the infirmary. He was right, but I didn’t want to hear it. I wanted to believe in my own ideals and interpretations. No matter what anyone said, it wouldn’t change my mindset.

So, maybe I am like Sasuke, but is that such a bad thing? To want to honor your loved ones, no matter what you have to do to get there?

My entire life has been altered forever. If she had died from natural causes, I would’ve been able to accept it and to move on. But this…This was unforgivable.

“We’re going to need to regroup.” Naruto said, whisking me out of my self pity and self examination. He pursed his lips and punched the tree again, breaking open the cuts on his knuckles even more and I couldn’t take it.

“Will you quit that! Its unnecessary damage and we don’t have chakra, time or supplies to waste!” I finally chastised and he looked at me with apologetic eyes.

“Sorry Sakura-chan. I’m just…I can’t believe we lost him.” He went to punch the tree again but he stopped himself before I could give him a hard look.

“We need to meet up with Kakashi-sensei and figure out where we’re going form here. But in the mean time can you and others scour the forest for the next five kilometers? Just to make sure we haven’t missed anything.” He told Pakkun and the nin dog nodded.

“We’ll let you know immediately if we find anything and if not…well we’ll meet up with you.” He said in his deep, doggy voice and after a curt nod from Naruto, he disappeared in a small puff of smoke.

The future Hokage sighed, and rubbed his forehead with the palm of his hand.

“I thought for sure we had him. I thought we’d finally…” He murmured, mostly to himself then to me. He stopped rubbing his head shook it, looking over at me.

“You thought we’d finally be able to kill him?” I asked bluntly and his brow furrowed at my response. He took a step forward and went to touch my arm, but paused and closed his fingers into a fist, stepping away.

“You know we can’t kill him Sakura-chan…we need to interrogate him first. We don’t know why he attacked Konoha.”

“Does it matter?” I replied. “He killed our Hokage Naruto. How can you defend him?”

“I’m not! We need to know if there’s anymore threats. He could be just one of a whole conspiracy, you know the possibility of that. We have to be sure, if we’re not more people could die. Including another Hokage.” He told me, finally moving to touch my arm, but when his fingers brush my skin, I flinched away from and I saw the hurt flicker across his expression.

“Give it time Sakura-chan. I want him dead too…”

“Like hell you do!” I shouted, “You didn’t even try and help her! You didn’t do anything! How can you want to keep him alive at all! He killed Tsunade-Sama right in front of us and you want to keep him alive! What if he escapes?! What then!?”

Now Naruto’s expression was a mixture of hurt and anger when he retorted to my cold outburst.

“Tsunade-Sama isn’t the only one he took away from me..” He said in a low voice and turned away from me, and leapt into the trees.

I glared after him. He was being just as selfish. Why in the world would he want that scum alive? It was completely beyond me, but I swallowed my agitation and set my mind on meeting up with Kakashi-sensei and the rest of the group.