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Where is the Light? by Invisible Wounds

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Chapter notes: Hello everyone. I hope you like the story, even though it has MAJOR ANGST. Please review! Btw, I don’t own Naruto. I.W.
Naruto sat alone in the darkness of his room. He had forsaken the softness of the bed, or the structure of a chair, preferring the hardness of the floor as he crouched in the furthest corner of the room. He had his knees drawn up against his chest and his hands locked together under his knees, keeping the position in place. He rested his head on the tops of his knees, silent tears streaming down his face.

His face was scrunched up in inexpressible pain, his shoulders trembling as he choked back sobs. What was the point of sobbing when no one would hear? When, no matter how loudly you screamed or cried or moaned, no one would come to help, what was the point of doing it in the first place?

Naruto’s frame convulsed over and over as the anguish washed over him. Loneliness clawed at him, and he curled up even smaller, as if by doing so he could escape it.

This was the side of him he locked within himself, and only let lose when he was alone. The side of him that he locked away deep inside himself and pretended didn’t exist until the pain became unbearable, and it demanded release.

He was alone, and the absolution of that statement haunted the blonde. This solitude didn’t end outside of these walls. Sure, he had Kakashi sensei, Sakura and Sasuke; Iruka, too. But they didn’t really know or understand him.

To Kakashi, he was just a loudmouthed brat. Kakashi never took the time to see the sadness that was always buried in Naruto’s eyes. He took in the surface image and dismissed Naruto as an inevitable annoyance.

To Sakura, he was just an annoying obstacle that stood between her and Sasuke. She didn’t care that he was desperate for her attention. Didn’t care that every time she shoved him away, he retreated a little more into himself, and his heart was slowly withering.

To Sasuke, he was nothing worth noticing. He wasn’t strong enough to be a rival. He wasn’t cool enough to be a friend. He wasn’t smart enough to be someone respected. Sasuke acknowledged Naruto with contempt and then just glared with annoyance whenever Naruto tried to talk to him.

To Iruka, he was a combination of a son and little brother. He hugged Naruto, gave advice on school and shinobi matters, and bought him ramen. This, Naruto knew, was Iruka’s way of showing affection. He knew it, but it did nothing to help him.

Although Iruka was the closest person to him, there was still a chasm of distrust between Naruto and any other human being. No one, not even Iruka, could forget he was the Kyuubi -- a beast.

For years, the villagers had told him what a monster he was, but he had never allowed himself to believe it. But here, alone and lost in the blackness of his room, it was so easy to be persuaded otherwise. A vision of a rampaging nine-tailed fox flashed across his mind; fire was everywhere, villagers screamed and pleaded without hope. The fox was smiling with delight as he killed the pitiful beings below him. The fox’s fur was bright orange, and the amused and bloodthirsty eyes were a sparkling blue.

Naruto shuddered.

Naruto curled up onto himself, wishing he could make this horror disappear. The crippling solitude came in the form of an invisible hole, gaping from under where his rib cage met. It tore at Naruto’s will, his happiness and his self control, sucking it into the oblivion known only by the most miserable.

Any happy memories or thoughts seemed fake and forced, making Naruto doubt the intentions of everyone around him. The faces flashed before him, before sliding away into shadow: Kiba, Shino, Neji, Lee, Chouji, Shikamaru, Hinata.

Are they really my friends? Naruto wondered dimly to himself, Will they only betray me in the end? It’s probably best not to care for them. If I don’t care for them, then they will never hurt me….

Naruto, normally an ambitious person, was drained of any desire to help others. His mind was a cloudy riot of pain, isolation and fear. He was desperate to end this pain. It was tearing him apart from the inside, out.

Naruto, being a Jounin shinobi, knew pain well, but this was different. Wounds, flesh wounds at least, could be seen and touched and treated. This pain wasn’t the same at all; it didn’t originate from one point, not even the black hole in his torso. No, this pain flowed through his very veins, reaching and consuming his entire body, leaving nowhere untouched.

The pain had begun as something sharp, causing his breaths to be shallow and quick, making him feel strangled. Pressure points and joints felt as if they were being stabbed.

Gradually, after much crying and trembling, it became an ache; something that resonated in his very bones and caused him infinite weariness. The burden of defeat weighed heavily on his spent body and broken mind.

Just as Naruto became accustomed to the dull throbbing that clung to his body and gagged him like humidity, he felt the darkness within himself expand. Before, it had been confined to the whirlpool of despair near his sternum, but now his misery had entered the third stage.

The hole in his torso was not a *pain* per say, but an even more terrifying entity. It wasn’t so much a *feeling* but the *opposite* of feeling; it was nothingness. It washed over him, causing him to shudder in disgust, and he was hollowed out of all feeling. The numbness spread from his fingertips to his toes, and everywhere in between.

All thoughts vanished, replaced by a deafening silence. He was, in essence, Nothing. He saw, but did not see. He heard, but heard nothing. He couldn’t feel or think. He hunched in the corner of his bedroom, in the darkness, living -- and not-living -- through personal hell.

If the pain had been unbearable before, this was a whole new level of suffering. Utter insignificance was his existence. A waste of space, a waste of air.

It was then, that Kyuubi chose to make his move.

“So, Naruto,” rumbled the deep mocking voice of the fox, his words echoing throughout Naruto’s empty mind, “Now that you finally realize how unimportant you are, will you die now? No one wants you, you know. No one really cares for you – they just don’t want to anger you because of me. So really, it’s like you don’t exist at all. It’s just them, and me. You’re Nothing.” Kyuubi laughed maliciously and Naruto’s tears soaked the fabric of his pants as he huddled in his room.

“No, go away,” Naruto choked out, trying to remember how to speak, or why it was important to resist.

The fox laughed again, “Go away? Me? Why would I do that? This body is mine. I’m *letting* you stay here because I’m kind. You should be thanking me! Or, you could just leave. I’m tired of you anyway, along with everyone else in this village. No one wants you here. Ask them, they’ll tell you themselves. You mean nothing to them. You are so stupid to think you have any importance in life. So you should give it up. Give up, Naruto.”

The Kyuubi stopped speaking, letting this information sink in, hearing Naruto’s pulse speed up, and his breathing stop just short of hyperventilation.

Naruto shuddered, No one… wants me? The thought was terrifying. But then, could Nothing be terrified? Am… am I Nothing?

The fox continued, but in a soft, sympathetic voice, “Give *me* control of this body and you won’t hurt anymore. You won’t be sad or angry, just content. Come into yourself and drift, like you’re sleeping and dreaming. Let *me* deal with this cruel world…”

The Kyuubi retreated back to his cage, watching with anticipation what was happening. He could almost taste his freedom; once the brat let him take control, there would be nothing that could stop him. He would lock Naruto’s conscience in the same cage he’d been held in these past twenty years, and let Naruto watch as he used Naruto’s body to eradicate everyone he knew….

Naruto heard the fox’s offer and thought he would do anything to stop being Nothing. However, a small warning bell went off in his blank mind at the thought of giving control to someone else. He didn’t have a reason *why* but it just didn’t seem *right.*

But, he argued with himself, this emptiness is awful, nothing could be worse. I’d rather feel the pain, than *not* feel at all.

That thought sparked an idea. A dumb, unhealthy idea, but nevertheless, an idea. Naruto stood, moving slowly, as if he was in water, and made his way into the living room and over to the overstuffed sofa. He had thrown his ninja supplies there when he entered his home, hours ago, when Konoha and other people still existed, and he now reached for it again.

His mind was still in a haze, so it took him a few moments to find what he was looking for. When he found it, he smiled. A small bud of hope blossomed under his ribcage and he sensed this was the path to take him back to the Light.

Dropping the rest of the supplies back on the couch, he waded into the bathroom, and sat on the closed lid of the toilet. He gasped for air; those simple actions had drained him.

Despite the terrifying non-feeling that still enveloped his body, his mind seemed to thaw and his thoughts were sharp once again. He told himself this was sick and stupid, but that blossom of promise told him it was also necessary.

He lifted his bare arms out before him and raised his other hand. The object he had retrieved before flashed in his raised hand. Taking a last second to reconsider, he pushed away those thoughts and plunged the kunai deep into his flesh.

The instant the knife torn his skin, the numbness dulled, repelled by the burning pain of the wound Naruto had just inflicted on himself. Absolutely ecstatic to *feel* again, Naruto dragged the knife across his arm, again and again gouging himself.

His teeth gritted and he hissed in pain, but he felt no regret. Instead, he felt like a drowning man who had seen the sun, and was slowly rising back to the surface.

Twelve slashes later, the numbness had vanished and the Kyuubi screamed in helpless rage inside Naruto’s head. However, once again himself, Naruto simply blocked it from his mind.

Naruto dropped the kunai on the tiled floor, slumping over in exhaustion. Dimly, he thought to himself, there has to be a better way of dealing with this...

Groaning, he dragged himself upright. Grabbing a towel, Naruto wetted it under the faucet and washed off the blood that had gushed over his skin. He hurried back to the couch and his ninja supplies, grabbing the roll of white bandages. He quickly and efficiently bound up his arm, from wrist to elbow and tied it off.

Making a mental note to clean up the bathroom in the morning, Naruto stumbled into his bedroom once again, crashing down on his mattress with a bounce. He dragged the heavy blanket over himself, wondering who added lead to his coverlet.

As he rapidly sunk into sleep, he realized with a jolt that tears still leaked from his eyes. Roughly wiping them away, Naruto banished all thoughts of the past few hours and fell into a dreamless sleep.
Chapter end notes: Again, please review, I crave your opinions. Also, I know this seems extremely sad and you might not be able to see a happy ending with this wreck that is Naruto, but please keep reading. I.W.
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