It was autumn.
She carefully laid down the thick book she was reading on her bedside table and plopped horizontally on the bed. It was comforting to have that large bed all by herself.
She closed her eyes momentarily, only opening them to change her position and lie vertically. She comfortably buried her head in the pillows. The window was open by her bed with the curtains softly following the rhythm of the gentle wind.
It was also autumn then.
Otou-san will come home today. Okaa-san said that Otou-san will bring home many dolls for me from his work. I wasn’t paying attention to sensei. All that filled my mind were the possible names I would give to my dolls.
Christina would be good. Only that it was so Western. Or it can be Saya. Nah, I don’t want a name that short. I can also name her Kokoro which means heart. Yes, Kokoro would be good. But it sounded a little childish. I decided to look around to ask someone and all I found was a boy seated beside me. Hey, I never saw him before.
“Ne,” I asked the boy. “I will just ask if you think Kokoro is a good name.” I anticipated his reply. But he did not answer me nor even looked at me.
“Ne, ne,” I prodded once more. “I asked if you think Kokoro is a good name.” I squinted my eyes and pouted my lips. This boy was either stubborn or deaf. I put my hand on his shoulder and squeezed it a little to get his attention. “Hey,” I started once more. “Do you think--”
“No, it is a bad name, the worst I have ever heard.” he finally turned around and stared at me with those deep, dark eyes. I was lost in them. “And you’re noisy, baka.” then once more, all I saw was his back.
And at that point all the dolls ’names were out of my mind, Kokoro. Maybe it was not a good name after all.
Name, name.
What is his name?
That afternoon, I was at my knees; begging Ino to come with me. My face almost touched the ground but she was still stubborn. “Onegai! I just want to know his name!” Ino shooed me away. “Why should I come with you? You are already 10. You can do it alone.” I rose up from my position and faced her. “But, but.” I avoided her gaze. “I….I…am embarrassed.”
“You are embarrassed??” Ino shouted while I cringed. She really had a loud voice. “Don’t tell me that…” her voice trailed away. “That?” I looked her intently in the eyes.
“You like him?”
“S-suki?”
Suki…suki..
I like him?
She bolted upright, feeling hot in the cheeks. I was just like yesterday when she felt the first surge of love in her. Way back then, she did not know how to react and how to stop the redness in her cheeks. Something called blushing when one is around with one’s object of affection. She continued to reminisce.
“A-ano, Watashi no namae wa Haruno sakura desu! Hajimemashite!!
Dammit, I keep my face down to hide my blushing. Stop blushing, moron!! I am sweating and I swear my face is very red. Why do I feel panicky and sweaty and…and….nervous. My heart’s throbbing it feels like it’s going to explode. I clutched my chest. God, help me!
“Eh?” he replied.
Yes, he replied! I finally raise my head and saw him looking straight at me. Wrong move. I feel more embarrassed; not to mention redder than before. I lowered my head again.
“Hm.” he sneered and walked away. This is my only chance. I clasped my ahnds together and bowed before his retreating back. I pulled all the confidence that I could muster. “I just want to know your name!” I shouted at him.
Oh, kami.
I felt him stopped. “My name?” he replied back.
“H-hai.” Please, please, please.
“Uchiha Sasuke.” then he continued to walk.
With my frail, ten-year-old body, I slumped on the ground and stared at his figure.
“Uchiha Sasuke.”
Sakura stood up from her bed and walked to her closet. She opened it and there underneath her pile of clothes, she dug an old notebook. It was her diary. From a year ago. And here, written was her first love; dancing in the depths of ink. She started to read a page.
September 15, 2005
it has been two years since I started to like Sasuke. But he remained stoic and oblivious to my uprising feelings. I have tried all means possible to get his attention but all have failed.
“Ow.” I almost fell down and hit the pavement because of the impact. I have unconsciously bumped into someone. Sasuke, don’t appear in my thoughts suddenly.
“This is your entire fault, Sasuke.” I wondered aloud while massaging my painful head.
“Oh, it’s my fault?” I was a little dizzy yet I managed to look up and even stare straight at the source of the voice.
Gosh, all I can remember was the blurring sight of Sasuke’s face and me, really falling down and hitting the pavement.
I opened my eyes and instead of angels singing my death song, I saw moving houses. they can’t be moving, baka. I was the one moving. Actually, I was not walking but yes, I was moving. What the??
And I realized that I was riding at Sasuke’s back. I was about to fall and hit the pavement again and die a second time around when he spoke.
“So you’re awake now.”
“H-Hai.” I answered weakly. “A-arigatou.”
“You’re weird.” he said.
“That’s mean!’ I answered back.
I felt that he smiled and did not speak for a few minutes after. “Where is your house?” he asked me. I was startled by his question and found it impolite not to answer. “Turn right at the end of this street. my house is nearby a large cherry blossom tree.”
It was silence again for a few minutes.
“Won’t your parents worry?” It was my turn to ask and I felt him stiffened. “It is already late and your house is far away.”
“You’re really stalking me, aren’t you?”
I was speechless; gaping like a fish.
“Haha.” he laughed a soft one. “It’s okay. They don’t even know I exist.”
“No!” I blurted out for no reason. “Don’t think that way. I know your parents love you!” I covered my mouth with a shaking hand. Baka! “Gomenasai.” I muttered after speaking carelessly. But this was such a good opportunity to get close to him. I decided to ask. “Are you lonely?”
“What would you do if I am?”
“Then I will stay by your side. So you won’t get lonely.”
Silence. I bit my lips.
“You’re noisy.” he replied.
“Hey!” I protested. “You are really mean!” I pouted my lips and managed to say “Hmp!” But to my surprise, he laughed. Taking this as a cue, I laughed with him.
It was such a happy moment.
I saw the silhouette of my house beneath the three so I asked Sasuke to bring em down already. “Thanks.” I smiled my sweetest smile. I swear I saw him snicker so I thought it came out really bad. He turned his back and walked away.
Just like the day I asked his name, I stopped him again. “Ne.”he stopped but he did not face me again. “Do you think Kokoro is a good name?”
“No,” he called out. “It’s till the worst name I have ever heard.” He inserted his hands in his pockets and retreated in the shadows.
“Sasuke…daisuki desu.”
Sakura turned the pages of the diary and saw that the next’s writings were hard to read. They appear blotched as if tears have fallen on them. Even though unreadable, she can still fully remember that day. Her first tears.
‘That day,” she whispered. “Sasuke said that we should stay as best friends forever. I did not know what to do then. I knew that very moment that I would never get my fairy tale ending. That it was all God can give me. That it had to stay that way. Friendship. Love. I remember weighing the two things and deciding to choose friendship. I threw all my feelings away in the sake of friendship.” She tucked the strands of her hair behind her ear. “I promised him. We would stay that way.”
She continued to rummage the pages. After two years of liking Sasuke, they became best friends. She started to like other guys and it was her best year ever.
It was summer when everything shattered.
January 16, 2008
I can’t help it anymore. these past few days, it was all coming back. The feelings that I have thrown away a long time ago. I did not know how to react. I did not know how to tell it to him. I can not just tell him that I love him. But if I don’t, I’m afraid that I can not keep it any longer.
Sasuke, I texted. I was fidgeting.
Hm, he replied.
There is something that I must tell you, I texted back. Suddenly, the air felt so cold and my hands began to sweat. My eyes began to water.
What? He asked.
Daisuki desu. I sent it. It was enough.
He never replied. And I continued to cry.
January 20, 2008
Did you ever love me even more than friends? I texted him after days of feigning ignorance.
He answered a No.
Then let’s stay as friends. Gomen. I replied.
What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to say? I love you, Sasuke. ever since that day in autumn and you were just new. And yet, I promised. I promised you that I would stay as your best friend. Was I just fooling myself this past year? Thinking that I can just throw away my feelings?
I wanted to send that to him, but I can’t.
My phone suddenly beeped. It was from him. We’ll be migrating to Canada, it said. Do you want me to stay?
I did not hesitate. Yes, I do want you to stay.
March 16, 2008
Two months later, we tried to save the friendship yet the efforts failed. I decided to stay away from him to move on. Move on for the friendship. Even if it hurts me.
“Do you still want me to stay?” he asked the question again in which I have a sure answer then, but now.
“I…It’s up to you.” I answered.
“You are the only reason why I would stay here.” it was a short answer but it nailed me. Above everything, I just wanted to be with him.
“Please…” I slowly whispered. “Stay for me.”
For the second time, I fooled myself into thinking that someday, all would be fixed. That through friendship, I can have my fairytale ending.
April 25, 2008
Autumn. The end was nearing. As I faced him, at the very same spot I first asked for his name, I can’t control my tears. And he was just there, standing and staring at me intently.
“I wanted to let go now.” I said between the sobs. “Of the friendship, of
everything. I’m tired of getting hurt. I’m tired! I’m tired. I’m tired…” I covered my sobbing face with my hands and slumped on the ground.
I felt him knelt beside me. He held my hand and squeezed it tight while he wiped my tears away. He closed in and kissed mw on the forehead.“If that is what you want. I won’t stop you. I understand. Maybe, the love was hopeless after all. You have loved me all these years and yet, all I did was hurt you. I don’t deserve you nor the friendship.” he stopped talking for a moment. “I‘ll be leaving now. There’s no reason for me to stay anymore.”
“Daisuki desu.” he whispered, carefully stood up and walked away as he used to. But this time, I did not call him back.
For the first time, he stopped himself and looked at me again. “I think,” he started. “Kokoro is a good name.” Yet for the last time, he walked away, never to return again.
And I cried harder.
Sakura closed the diary and put it back underneath the pile of clothes in her closet. After that day, Sasuke’s family migrated to America.
She walked to her window and observed the glittering cherry blossom petals outside. it was autumn when they first danced with these flowers, it was also autumn when it ended.
As her pink hair swayed with the wind, “Maybe,” she said. “Kokoro is not a good name after all.”
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Story notes: This would be a one-shot. A very long one, that is. Enjoy guys. After a period of hibernation, I’m back.