I see it in your eyes
The distance that you’re feeling
I feel it in our bed
And it’s this; I’m dealing
Iruka woke slowly. Kakashi was back; he could sense him now, like a tingle on his skin. He waited silently, his eyes staring into the darkness. Depending on how bad the mission was, Kakashi would either go take a shower or crawl into bed.
He prayed for the shower.
He felt the covers shift and Kakashi’s strong, chill body slide into the sheets. The smell of blood filled Iruka’s nose. Hands, almost ice-chill, slid over his hips and pulled him back, Kakashi’s lips were on his neck, and Iruka gave up pretending to be asleep. He tipped his head back, letting Kakashi do what he wanted, giving himself once again to his silver-haired lover.
Kakashi was quick, almost rough. It had been a very bad mission.
When they were done, Kakashi kissed him and rose to take a shower. Iruka remained where he was, staring into the darkness again, trying to calm his breathing down.
Then he rose, mechanically. Going through t he motions. It was a well established routine.
He stripped the bed and changed the sheets. Then he got out Kakashi’s sleeping pants and laid them on the bed. Walking into the kitchen, he winced as he felt his shoulder pull; another sex mark, where Kakashi had dug his teeth into Iruka’s shoulder to muffle his cry at the end. It would blend in with the others.
He fixed the tea and set it on the counter. Then he walked into the living room and settled on the couch, idly flicking through the TV stations.
Kakashi never needed him after; he needed some quiet time, alone time. Then, later, if it was as bad as Iruka thought, he’d curl up with him in bed and listen to Kakashi’s even, measured tones lay it out for him, walk him through it. Never mind that the mission details were supposed to be a secret; Iruka knew them all, ever since they had started this. It was ok. Iruka was dependable, loyal and trustworthy. In everything.
But I can’t stop, baby
My hands for you are reaching
And you can’t stop, baby
The lesson you are teaching
Iruka sat on the couch, staring sightlessly at the wall.
In their bed. Kakashi had slept with him in their bed.
He heard Kakashi enter; heard Kakashi sliding off his vest and headband. He didn’t turn around.
After a moment, he felt Kakashi’s lips on his neck. He fought to stop his body from reacting, but Kakashi knew him too well. And his body knew Kakashi too well. Fuck what was going on in his heart or mind; Kakashi knew how to play his body, knew how to shut off his brain.
When Kakashi pulled him towards the bedroom, Iruka didn’t fight. Kakashi stretched him out on the bed (where he’d been) and pounded him into the mattress (had he been this rough with him?) and Iruka let him because Iruka couldn’t stop it even if he wanted to. They were too deep; it was too late for Iruka. And it had probably always been too late for Kakashi.
Please lie to me, please lie to me
Tell me once before you go
Lie to me, please god lie to me
It’s not true, and we both know
But say you love me, say it for me
Lie and make it worth believing
Then maybe I won’t bleed to death
When I find that you are leaving
Kakashi was getting dressed. Iruka lay on his stomach, stretched out in the bed. He was smoking; a bad habit he carefully kept indoors, where no one could see it. One of many.
He watched Kakashi getting dressed in his ANBU outfit. He’d received the call; he was leaving immediately. They hadn’t spoken after, as usual, but Kakashi had caressed his face for a moment.
A new development.
Kakashi finished dressing and walked over to stand in front of him. Smiling slightly sardonically, he reached down and plucked the cig from Iruka’s fingers. Taking a deep drag, he held the smoke a moment before letting it go, handing the cig back to Iruka.
“I don’t know how long I’ll be gone.” Kakashi said quietly. “Don’t worry about me, ok?”
Iruka gaped at him . Another new development.
Kakashi reached down and touched his cheek. Iruka caught his fingers, staring up the other man.
“Tell me you love me.” Iruka said softly, staring into Kakashi’s single blue eye. “Tell me you love me. I don’t care if it’s a lie. Just give me…something to hold on to.”
Kakashi froze, his finger warm on Iruka’s cheek. Finally, he unfroze, pulling his finger away from Iruka. “I love you.” His voice was quiet, the fleeing warmth that had inhabited it gone. “I love you. I’ll see you when I get back.”
It was a lie. They both knew it. But Iruka tucked it into his bruised heart anyway. Better a pretty lie than the brutal truth.
I’ve seen it in your eyes
A distant summer heat
But it’s too cold to deal
When our bodies meet
You never meant to hurt me
But I’m bleeding now, for you
There’s no way out for me
There’s nothing I can do
Iruka watched Kakashi dancing with Genma and twisted his fist into the fabric of the sofa. They weren’t ‘together’ as far as the majority of the village was concerned; the fact that they lived together was hardly noticed because Kakashi was Kakashi, the man who took privacy in his personal life to a new, incredibly paranoid place.
Kakashi was laughing, grinding into Genma. And there was something in the way he touched Genma, in the way his eye burned and the way he leaned in, that made Iruka sick with jealously and shake with rage.
He couldn’t deal with it anymore and keep his face blank, so he left. It had started raining; he was soaked by the time he reached the apartment. Iruka wondered dimly if Kakashi was coming back tonight. It didn’t seem particularly important.
He made tea, dried off, and settled into the couch. And waited.
Kakashi came in later. Iruka had dozed off. He was wakened abruptly as Kakashi spread him out on the couch and took him, fast and hard. No preparation, no consideration. Only his own release, his own needs. It was like rape, except Iruka was, as always, a willing sexual toy. Iruka actually cried in pain as Kakashi grew more and more vicious, hurting Iruka for the first time ever.
Afterwards, Kakashi dried his tears and carried him into the bathroom, murmuring apologies. He washed and dried him with gentle but impersonal hands, and then carried him to bed. He even let Iruka curl into him, something that didn’t happen often unless he needed it. And just before they fell asleep, Kakashi nuzzled his neck and murmured, “I love you.”
He was getting better at saying it. Iruka was getting better at believing it.
Please lie to me, please lie to me
Tell me once before you go
Lie to me, please god lie to me
It’s not true, and we both know
But say you love me, say it for me
Lie and make it worth believing
Then maybe I won’t bleed to death
When I find that you are leaving
Again.
“I’m staying at Genma’s for a couple of days.”
Iruka glanced up and stared at Kakashi, his mind whirling in surprise. Finally, he set the pot down and gasped, “Wh…”
“I’ll be back in a couple of days.” Kakashi repeated, tying his pants on tighter. “I don’t have any missions, so I don’t think I’ll need back in here. If for some reason I do, I’ll be quiet.”
“Why?” Iruka gasped. “What did I do?”
“You didn’t do anything.” Kakashi finished dressing and shrugged on his vest. “I just need….I’m sorry. But I’ll be back.”
He walked over and grabbed Iruka, pulling him against his body. Leaning down, he captured Iruka’s lips, kissing him deeply. Almost lovingly. Then he released him, and gently brushed his fingers over Iruka’s lips. “I love you, Iruka. I’m sorry.”
It was the best one yet.
Iruka waited until he was gone to collapse against the counter, the pain too deep and raw for tears.
He didn’t understand. What could Genma give him that Iruka couldn’t? What part of Kakashi could Genma touch, waken, thaw, that Iruka couldn’t find? Why did Kakashi need Genma when Iruka gave him everything he had and never held back. What Kakashi needed, he got.
But not always from Iruka.
Iruka let his body slide to the floor, curling into a ball of misery. When the tears finally came, he didn’t try to stop them.
Is there anything that’s left?
Is there anything inside?
Could I try to find it for you?
Will you let me deep inside?
Iruka didn’t turn over when he felt Kakashi come back. It had only been a day; Kakashi probably had gotten recalled to a mission and needed his gear.
He was surprised when Kakashi crawled into the sheet. He was even more surprised when Kakashi didn’t initiate sex; instead, he pulled Iruka against him and nuzzled into his back, wrapping his arms around Iruka’s body. They lay like that, silently, for a long time.
Iruka remained still, staring blankly at the wall. What was this? Had Kakashi gotten what he wanted from Genma, and then…
“I didn’t want Genma. I didn’t get what I needed. I realized that what I needed was here.” Kakashi said quietly into his skin. “It’s been here all along. I’m sorry.”
Iruka wanted to believe him. He wanted to so badly it hurt, a physical ache that spread through his body and shattered his heart. But he’d been lying for so long. He was just getting so good at it.
He felt Kakashi fall asleep and let himself cry, silently, without moving. Just to release some of the pain.
Is there anything left over?
Is there anything I can do?
Can I bleed enough to make you live?
Should I die for you?
The morning sun woke Iruka; he glanced at the clock and noted it was far later than he’d usually sleep. My class, Iruka thought in sudden panic. I’ve overslept…
He threw the covers up and sat up, rubbing his face frantically. What would they think?
Kakashi was in the doorway, watching him with an inscrutable expression. Finally, he shook his head. “I called you in sick. Told them you were throwing up. A simple cold; they bought it.”
Iruka felt a surge of anger. “Why did you do that?” he demanded.
“Because I need you here.” Kakashi walked over and pushed Iruka backwards, causing the startled man to sprawl out into the bed. Kakashi was on him immediately, kissing his chest, his hands moving over Iruka’s stomach.
Iruka thought briefly of shoving him off, still angry, but as usual, Kakashi’s clever tongue and lips drove all other thoughts out of his mind. He’d be angry later; right now, he surrendered to Kakashi. Like he always did.
A brief time later, a thought surfaced in Iruka’s overheated, bliss-crazed mind. This wasn’t like normal; this wasn’t the usual thing. Kakashi was doing everything he could to make sure that Iruka was as desperate and needy as he was. And Kakashi wasn’t suppressing his own noises; when Iruka shifted and took him into his mouth, Kakashi’s groans and soft words filled Iruka’s ears. And in the end, when they shattered together, Iruka’s name fell brokenly from Kakashi’s lips like a prayer.
Afterward, Kakashi pulled him against his chest and stroked him, whispering. I love you. I love you. Over and over, and each time more believable than the last. They fell on Iruka’s dried, cracked soul like raindrops in the desert. I love you. I love you.
Iruka closed his eyes. He let himself believe. He needed to believe.
Lie to me, lie to me, lie to me
Make be believe
Lie to me, lie to me, lie to me
Just don’t leave.
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Story notes: Written for the person who wrote the song, who wishes to remain anonymous. I'll just call her J. J likes her KakaIru angsty and slightly bitter. So when she sent me this song and asked me to write a short for it, this is what came out.
Chapter notes: I don't own Naruto.