Orochimaru was a very intelligent man. He was a genius, pure and simple. He excelled in all of his classes as a child, up until the point where his parents pulled him out of school and hired a well-learned gentleman called Sarutobi. Sarutobi-sensei, as Orochimaru fondly thought of him, was a very kind and sympathetic man, as well as a genius whose talents and intelligence surpassed Orochimaru’s own. This, of course, made him the perfect tutor for the brilliant boy.
Orochimaru went on to study the human mind; something that had always intrigued him. Later, when he decided to pursue the very noble career of a psychologist, a job worthy of his intelligence, everyone congratulated him when he received his P.H.D. in the subject.
Right now, though, Orochimaru currently doubted his sanity; he was currently pondering what in the nine levels of hell had made him choose this path. He idly wondered if it was too late to switch careers.
He supposed he could do it if he wanted, but it’d be such a bother.
“Dr. O, can you help me?” the young man’s voice cut in.
The psychologist sighed.
“Of course, Neji-kun. Tell me what’s wrong.”
“I’ve been getting this strange feeling around my younger cousin, Hyuuga Hinata. I’m sure you’ve heard of her – she’s the Hyuuga clan’s heiress.” The Hyuuga clan’s Wonder Boy started off, unsure of the reaction he’d receive.
Orochimaru looked up from his notes, studying his patient, who was currently reclining on a cushiony couch, staring at the ceiling. “Please describe these feelings,” the doctor prompted.
“Of course. Well, I get this feeling in my stomach, and… well, I start thinking…” the boy faltered. Orochimaru was surprised to see a faint blush dust (no ing) across the boy’s perfect features.
“Continue.”
“Well, I think I’m in love with Hinata!” the boy cried, anguished.
Now, though Orochimaru’s sensei was sympathetic, that didn’t mean Orochimaru himself was.
“What the crap?” the psychologist practically screamed. “Pull yourself together, man! She’s your first cousin, for fuck’s sake! Your fathers were identical twin brothers! You and Hinata are practically half of the same person!”
Neji blinked, shocked.
“The only difference I see between you two, Neji-kun, is that Hinata is a shy proper – “ Orochimaru stressed the word ‘proper’ – “young lady and a decent kunoichi, while you are a scary-strong ANBU captain with a crazy I’m-A-Free-Bird-Well…-Well-I-Will-Be-Someday complex.”
“But I feel as if we were meant to be togeth – “ Neji attempted to protest.
“BE TOGETHER?” Orochimaru yelled. “Must I repeat myself? You’re fucking first cousins! In case you haven’t heard, that’s incest and it’s very improper and would be illegal if I had my way!”
Neji paled. “I know, but I can’t help lov-“
“LOVE? Neji-kun, I’d suggest you pick up a pretty young lady and screw her senseless until you get over your little crush on your younger first cousin.”
Neji let out a choked sob and fled from the building. While rushing across the street, blinded by the tears streaming from his eyes, he was promptly hit by a car and killed.
Dr. Orochimaru watched the scene from his office window.
’Well, that got rid of the incest problem rather quickly.’
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Story notes: Pure crack.
I'd like to call it. Cracktastic.
Chapter notes: Hyuuga Neji visits a doctor.
Then he dies.