Warnings: Some manga spoilers have been warped and mixed in with my fantasy. You may notice them, you may not.
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Kakashi was and could be a lot of things. He was a teacher, a leader, and a killer. He could be passionate, silently comforting, a lover. Sometimes he was all those things at once. Other times he would surprise you completely. Being with him made you feel like there was no tomorrow. Live today to the fullest, have no regrets, love life. Ironic how he would make you feel that way when he didn’t feel like that himself. That was the thing that shocked Naruto the most.
Their mission to save Gaara had not gone right. Gaara died, Sakura died, and then they heard Sasuke had died killing Itachi. It was all over. Everyone was gone. Naruto had no left. No more promises to keep. His team was gone, with the exception of Kakashi. After the funeral the two of them stood in front of the memorial. Their mood must have affected the weather, because it was cold and raining.
“You know I come here every morning and it doesn’t make it easier.”
Naruto didn’t say a word. This was the first time Kakashi had said anything remotely personal. So he stood there and simply let the words sink in.
“This name,” Kakashi reached forward and pointed to a name etched onto the stone, “is the name of my teammate. He died saving me.” Kakashi then moved further down the list to another name. “This is my sensei, he died saving us all.”
Naruto read over the two names. One was an Uchiha. Now he had a vague idea as to how Kakashi got his Sharingan. The other name, he recognized. Reading it over he couldn’t help but scoff a little.
“What’s so funny?”
“It’s funny how things work out. He was your teacher. He taught you everything you know. He in essence made you. And in his death he made me.”
Naruto could tell Kakashi was smiling by the way he stuffed his hands in his pocket and looked at the sky. Staring at the names, Naruto felt he had to do something. He had to make their deaths real, or it would haunt him. He knew it would. Denial was not something he could handle.
“This is the name of the girl I loved. She died trying to save the boy she loved. This is the name of the boy she loved.” Naruto paused. He didn’t know what to say about Sasuke, so he said the most obvious thing to him. “I couldn’t save him.”
“I couldn’t save my friend either.” There it was again. Something personal.
Naruto pulled his hand away from the stone and stuffed him hands in his pocket. “That’s two things that connect us now.”
It made sense to Naruto when it began. Kakashi and him shared a bond. They had both lost people important to them. They were teacher and student. Naruto felt connected to Kakashi. Maybe Kakashi felt the same way. Who knew? But Naruto didn’t dwell on it. Kakashi was one of the last links to his past when everything was okay. When is friends were still alive. When he was still innocent. For that reason Naruto never turned Kakashi away when he would come over for tea. But as time passed tea turned into tea and dinner, then tea, dinner and lunch. Naruto didn’t protest. It was nice to have company; to act normal, even if only for an hour.
As the years passed, Kakashi was always there. For every event, every time Naruto got home from a mission, every time Naruto sparred, every promotion, everything. Kakashi was there. Even though he never cheered, Naruto knew he was cheering. There was a look in his eye that cheered him on, that screamed out to him to keep going, to not give up. That was all the reassurance Naruto needed. Naruto tried to be there for Kakashi as well. But even if he felt closer to the man, it was hard for Naruto to figure out what and where Kakashi was.
“He doesn’t let people get too close. I think he’s scared to.”
That was all Jirayia would say on the issue. No amount of nagging or prodding could get him to say anything more. That was the day Naruto got promoted as a jounin. Jirayia had come to town just for that. As always Kakashi stood in the back of the room and smiled. Well at least Naruto knew he was smiling. After his talk with Jirayia, Kakashi wanted to take Naruto out and celebrate. Or at least he tried to get Naruto to celebrate.
“Naruto this is a great day, why are you so depressed?”
“I wish they were here.”
Naruto’s apartment fell silent. Only the sound of Kakashi’s feet moving along the ground could be heard. He placed his hands on Naruto’s shoulders and gave them a comforting squeeze.
“If you live each day like it’s a punishment you’re not making them proud. Honor them by living.”
Naruto looked at Kakashi then. He was serious, but there was a glimmer of distress in his face. “Is that how you live?”
“I try.”
Then he did something that Naruto never expected; he hugged him. Kakashi closed the gap and hugged Naruto. Naruto didn’t know what to do. Kakashi had never been this affectionate, ever. But just as it started to sink in, Kakashi pulled away. He acted like it never happened. Instead he dragged Naruto to a nearby bar. Naruto didn’t remember much after that. He knows he got piss drunk, and that the two of them went back to Kakashi’s. His last memory was falling asleep on a bed.
The first thing Naruto noticed, aside from the headache that came later, was the sound of a shower. A quick scan of the room revealed he was at Kakashi’s. Instead of getting up, Naruto just laid in the bed and waited for Kakashi. A shower sounded good. The image of Kakashi giving him a hug kept coming back to him. Why would he do that? Naruto wondered if the look on his face was frightening enough to make Kakashi hug him.
When the door to the bathroom opened all Naruto saw was an arm stick out, grab a hairbrush from a nearby dresser and disappear. Naruto stood and approached the bathroom. The mirror was fogged up, except for a small area that Kakashi had run his hand over. He stood there with his pants and mask on, nothing else. He was brushing his still damp hair. It seemed to Naruto that he hadn’t noticed him standing there. As Naruto watched him, his gaze turned to Kakashi’s reflection in the mirror. Without his forehead protector on Naruto could get a good look at the scar on Kakashi’s face.
Naruto had never really looked at the scar before. Sure he’d seen it, but never looked. It was deep, dark and a constant reminder of his lost friend. Naruto wondered what Kakashi must feel when he looked at himself in the mirror. Naruto couldn’t even begin to imagine what he would feel like if he looked in the mirror and saw Sasuke’s Sharingan looked back at him. As Naruto studied the scar in the reflection, he saw Kakashi’s gaze in the mirror turn to him. Kakashi put the brush down turned and approached Naruto.
“Why the sad face?”
Naruto raised his hand toward Kakashi’s face. Before it reached its target though, Kakashi grabbed his hand. His expression was very hard and serious.
“I wasn’t going for the mask.”
“I know.”
“Then let me.” It was more of a plea than a request. Ever so slowly Kakashi loosened his grip on Naruto’s hand. Naruto reached up and ran his thumb down the scar. Kakashi closed his eyes and sighed deeply.
“It never healed?” Even though Naruto whispered, the room was so silent that he might as well been yelling.
“No.” The response was breathed out more than it was spoken. Naruto continued to run his thumb over the scar. He was completely fascinated. Kakashi’s skin was softer than he thought it would be. The sound of his voice made Naruto’s skin feel too tight. The way his breath hit Naruto’s face so faintly was strangely comforting. Naruto wanted to know more about Kakashi. He suddenly wanted to know everything, and he felt this was the moment.
“Why?”
“Let’s save the deep conversation for another day.”
Kakashi reached up and lowered Naruto’s hand. Naruto took a step back, and almost ran to the bathroom. He locked the door and leaned on the counter. It took him a moment to collect himself before he felt he could safely shower. When Naruto was done with his shower, he walked out of the bathroom and found a note on the bed.
“Meet me for ramen. My treat. I’ll be waiting.”
Naruto went home, changed clothes and rushed to the ramen stand. But when he got there, Kakashi was nowhere to be found.
“Hey, Oji-san, have you seen Kakashi?”
“No I haven’t, sorry.”
“That’s okay. Thanks.”
Naruto sighed. Typical Kakashi. It could be hours before Kakashi decided to show up. So instead of waiting for him, Naruto went for a walk. It had been a while since he’d walked around the village.
Walking around the village was somewhat surreal. All the people he had played with when he was younger, or had gone to school with were married, or parents. He saw their children playing. Occasionally an old friend would walk out of their house and catch a glimpse of Naruto and yell out a greeting. As Naruto walked, he wondered if he still had what it takes to be Hokage. He knew Tsunade still had more than a couple of years left before she started looking for someone to replace her.
It was then Naruto realized where his feet had led him too. It had been a long time since Naruto had visited the memorial. As he started to walk past the trees and into the clearing that housed the monument, he stopped. Kakashi was there. Not wanting to disturb him, Naruto leaned against a nearby tree and watched him. He could tell by Kakashi’s posture that he was trying to appear strong. But Naruto knew Kakashi well enough to know when he was struggling with something. He found this incredibly mesmerizing. This was a man who Naruto though of as invincible, who in reality was actually rather sensitive. He wondered how many people actually knew that about Kakashi. Wait, how many people actually knew Kakashi? Did he even really know Kakashi?
“Everyone I care for ends up here. I don’t want them to join you. Obito, what do you think I should do?”
Naruto turned and walked away. He felt ashamed for having listened in on the conversation. What Kakashi talked about with his friend was between them. Angry with himself, Naruto walked back to the ramen stand. He ordered his regular and waited.
“Ah sorry I’m late Naruto.”
“No excuses this time?”
“What’s the point?”
Naruto didn’t really know if there was a double meaning behind those words. So instead he played ignorant. “True. Those excuses were getting pretty lame.”
“Did you order already?”
“Yeah.”
“Oji-san, make it two of whatever Naruto ordered.”
They ate in silence. It wasn’t awkward or heavy. Again like most of the things Kakashi did, it was comforting. Naruto was glad Kakashi didn’t feel the need to fill silence with forced conversation. Sometimes silence could say more than words ever could.
Just as they finished their meal, a messenger bird flew overhead.
“Naruto, it seems the Hokage wants to see me.” Kakashi threw some money on the counter and started to get up.
“Are you actually going to be on time?”
“For my movie yes.” He turned and started to walk away. As Naruto watched him, Kakashi raised is hand in farewell. Naruto walked back to his apartment and lay in bed. Last night was the best sleep he had had in months. He’d even go as far as to say years. Naruto debated telling Kakashi that piece of information. He didn’t really want to make things more complicated than they were already getting. Maybe he should just see how things went the next time he saw Kakashi.
So Naruto waited. He waited a whole week. He wasn’t worried; he knew Kakashi could handle himself. He was more nervous than anything. But worried, no.
Well, maybe a little.
At the end of the week Naruto decided to go to Kakashi’s and water his plant. It was the only living thing in the apartment, and Naruto got the feeling that it was important to Kakashi. But when Naruto unlocked the door and stepped inside Kakashi was on the bed. He had only his pants on. Even though he had his face buried in his pillows, Naruto could tell he wasn’t wearing his mask. His back was covered in cuts and bruises. Naruto shut the front door and placed his jacket on a nearby chair. He then went to the bathroom and searched around for a first aid kit.
After finding it Naruto sat down as slowly as possible on the bed. When Kakashi didn’t move, Naruto opened the kit. He would start at the shoulders and work his way down. He cleaned every cut. Some required a bandage, others some cream. When he was down with Kakashi’s back he moved down the bed to check his legs. There was a particularly nasty cut on one of Kakashi’s calves. Naruto pulled out a kunai and began to cut the bottom of the pant leg. It was then that Kakashi stirred.
“Naruto?”
“Don’t move, let me finish. I have to stitch up your leg.”
Kakashi settled down and didn’t move again. When Naruto finally finished, Kakashi got up and sat on the opposite side of the bed with his back to Naruto. He opened a drawer on his nightstand and pulled out a mask. Once Naruto noticed it was on, he went over to Kakashi. There were more cuts on his chest and arms. Naruto got down on his knees before Kakashi and opened the kit once again.
“Looks like you had fun on your mission.”
“You have no idea.”
Naruto hesitated for a moment before continuing what he was doing. Kakashi was right; he really didn’t have any idea. He didn’t really know anything when he thought about it. Naruto was half way done when he noticed that Kakashi was staring at him. Not looking or observing, but staring. Not wanting to meet his eyes, Naruto wrapped Kakashi’s right arm, even though he didn’t need to.
“There, all done.”
As he put everything back in the kit, he could still feel Kakashi’s eyes on him. Naruto knew he had to keep busy. So he got up, placed the kit on the dresser and went to the bathroom. He grabbed the cup by the sink and filled it up, slowly. He walked back into the room, avoided Kakashi’s gaze, and moved toward the plant.
“I already watered it.”
Naruto stopped. “Oh.” Not knowing what else to do, he drank the water. “Well then, I guess I’ll leave you to rest.” Naruto walked to the bathroom, put the cup next to the sink and headed for the front door. But when he tried to open the door Kakashi stopped him.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” Naruto attempted to push Kakashi aside, but couldn’t. “You should get some rest.”
Kakashi grabbed Naruto’s wrist and held on tightly, but not painfully. “Don’t lie to me.” Naruto simply stared at Kakashi. How could he tell Kakashi about his overwhelming need to get to know him better? About how wonderfully he slept next to him? He wanted to ask so many questions; personal questions. He wanted answers to all his questions. He wanted to know about Kakashi’s childhood, his Uchiha friend, his sensei. He wanted to know this man, really know him. “Naruto, you can tell me.”
How could Naruto not say something when Kakashi spoke with such emotion in his voice. “You know everything about me, and I know nothing about you.” Naruto felt Kakashi’s grip loosen a bit. “I want to know you. You are all I have left.”
“That’s not true. You have Jirayia and –“
“No. You’re all I have left that reminds me of happier times.”
“Naruto I……..I can’t.” Kakashi let go of Naruto and took a step back. “You should go.”
But now Naruto didn’t want to leave. The topic was finally breached and he wasn’t about to leave. So instead he just stared at Kakashi. Naruto wasn’t sure of he was winning the conversation, and he didn’t really care. He wanted to know this man.
“Naruto, if you have ever cared about me, even for a moment, leave now and don’t look back. Leave now.” The last words were whispered. Naruto didn’t know what to do. He took a step toward Kakashi, but his torso moved toward the door. He was torn. Naruto closed his eyes and ran out of the apartment. He didn’t stop running until he was inside his own apartment. He locked the doors, but left the lights off. As he walked to his bed he took his shoes and shirt off. As he threw himself on his bed he realized he had forgotten his jacket at Kakashi’s. As Naruto moved around to get comfortable he caught a glimpse of his old Team 7 picture. He felt the tears sting his eyes.
“Stupid, so stupid. Stop it. Stop it.” He kept whispering stop it in hopes that the tears would actually listen. When he finally realized his efforts were useless, he grabbed his shoes and ran out the door.
The night air was cold against his face and chest, it was almost painful, not that it mattered. He needed to talk to someone. He needed to talk to them.
When he finally reached the monument, he sat down and leaned back against it. He took a few moments to catch his breath.
“What should I do? You two were smart, you would know the right thing to say. I probably ruined everything huh? Typical me.” A short laugh escaped his lips, but there was no humor in it. “All I wanted was to know him better, to make him happy. Was I wrong? Tell me what to do. Please.”
--
The sound of chirping birds woke Naruto. He looked around and realized he was still at the monument. As he sat up his jacket slipped off his shoulders. He grabbed it and ran. Kakashi must have been there. He might have been looking for Naruto. Maybe he wanted to talk, apologize, sing and dance. It didn’t really matter. Naruto had been given a sign. When he reached Kakashi’s apartment he knocked calmly despite himself. When the door opened, Kakashi was fully dressed.
“Naruto.”
Naruto opened his mouth but no words came out. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t even know what the hell he wanted to say.
“Um….thanks for the jacket.”
“It is your jacket.”
“Yeah, but thanks anyway.” Well that was stupid. “Can I come in?”
Kakashi moved aside and Naruto walked in. He looked at the chair, but it was covered in laundry, so he took a seat on the bed. Kakashi leaned against the dresser and didn’t say anything. Naruto could tell that something was bothering Kakashi this time.
“What’s wrong sensei?”
“I’m no longer your sensei.”
“Okay then, what’s wrong Kakashi?”
Naruto smiled when Kakashi smiled. The mood wasn’t as heavy anymore. Naruto even saw Kakashi physically relax.
“You were wrong. I don’t know everything about you.” Naruto felt his smile fall a bit. “I don’t know what toothpaste you use, I don’t know if you still sleep with a nightcap. I don’t know your favorite ice cream flavor, or what the last book you read was. I don’t know what scares you. I don’t even know if you’re allergic to anything.”
“Those are small things that –“
“I don’t know why you insist on holding on to me.” Naruto fell silent. He didn’t know how to respond to that. “I know you heard me that day at the memorial.” Naruto blushed and looked away in embarrassment. “It’s true. Every single person I ever cared for ends up dead. You are the exception……..so far.”
Naruto studied the ground between his feet. The mood was heavy again. He took deep breaths and closed his eyes. He knew what he needed to do. He needed to be honest with himself and with Kakashi.
“You and me have similar pasts. You understand me, and I understand you.” Kakashi scoffed. “Well I try to. I don’t feel I have to force my feelings around you. I can be myself. I enjoy your company. You’re important to me. Is it so wrong for me to want to know you better? To want to be closer to you?” They both looked up at each other. Naruto leaned forward on the bed toward Kakashi. “Am I wrong?”
“I don’t want you to end up like the others.”
“Did it ever occur to you that they died because they wanted to? They made a choice, you didn’t make it for them.”
“I don’t want you to make that choice.”
“With or without you I’ll still make that choice. But I want to be happy with you. Kakashi –“
“What I want, what would make me happy, is for you to walk out that door and find someone who will treat you right. Someone who won’t hold you at arms length.”
Naruto looked into Kakashi’s eye, and studied his face. He was being serious. Naruto stood up and walked out. As soon as the door was closed he heard Kakashi curse and punch something. Naruto smiled and knocked on the door. When Kakashi opened it, he looked surprised.
“I found that someone.”
“Naruto, no I can’t.”
Naruto pushed his way inside and shut the door. Kakashi didn’t fight him when he pushed him toward the bed. Naruto knew he was winning.
“I can’t promise I won’t give my life for you. But I can promise to try and live for as long as possible by your side.”
“It’s been a while since you’ve made a promise.”
“I know.”
“Will you keep this one?” Naruto didn’t know what to say. The words had cut him like a knife. He didn’t want to be reminded of his broken promises. “You wanted to know me, well this is me.”
Naruto studied Kakashi’s face. He removed the forehead protector. He looked into his eyes. What he saw there reassured him.
“Don’t do that.” Kakashi was trying to push him away again with harsh words. But Naruto knew he didn’t mean them. “Let go, just let go.”
“It’s hard to.”
Naruto leaned forward and ghosted his lips against Kakashi’s cheek near his ear. “I know, believe me, I know. Let me help you. Let me.”
Kakashi sighed deeply and pulled Naruto down on top of him. He felt lips at his neck and a hand over his eyes. Kakashi wasn’t letting go completely, but he was moving in the right direction.
--
The first thing Naruto saw when he woke up was Kakashi’s back. Naruto didn’t move, he just looked at Kakashi. His silver hair was spread out on the pillow. He wasn’t wearing his mask. Naruto smiled and moved closer. He wrapped one arm around Kakashi’s waist and draped the other over Kakashi’s body. Kakashi inhaled deeply and pulled Naruto closer. Naruto moved one of his hands up toward Kakashi’s face.
“Let me touch your face.”
When Kakashi didn’t stop him, Naruto placed his hand on Kakashi’s cheek. He ran his hand over eyes, cheeks, a nose, and lips. He wanted to memorize Kakashi’s face. He wanted to try and picture it in his head.
“Don’t you want to see it?”
“I want you to show it to me when you’re ready.”
--
It had been years since the death of his two friends, and almost as long since Naruto had come to the monument to spend time with them. Naruto had to wonder what they would say about his relationship with Kakashi. They would probably freak out, ask what was wrong with him, then support him in his decision. Sakura would ask questions and Sasuke would act like he wasn’t interested, but they knew he wanted to hear the details as well. Naruto knew what the first question would be. What did he look like? Naruto smiled. As soon as he knew he would come here and whisper to them all the details about Kakashi’s face.
“I thought you would be here.”
Naruto turned and saw Kakashi walking up to him. He had a sake bottle in one hand and four white flowers in the other.
“What are those?”
“The flowers are my offering. The sake is for us.” Naruto moved aside and watched as Kakashi placed the flowers on the monument. He then pulled out two cups from his pocket. “Drink with me in their honor.”
Naruto took the cup and drank the sake. Kakashi took the cups and the bottle and placed them on the floor before the monument. Naruto had a feeling they were probably going to stay there. He watched as Kakashi put his hands in his pocket, closed his eyes and tilted his head back. He silently prayed. As Naruto watched him, he knew Kakashi still cared a lot of guilt with him. That was the only thing keeping him from completely letting go, from being completely happy. Naruto had managed to let go a while back. He had figured out a way. Even though it was so simple it had worked. Maybe today would be a good day to see if it would work on Kakashi as well.
When Kakashi was done, he stepped forward and ran his fingers over the names. Naruto stood next to him and also reached forward.
“This is the name of the smartest girl I’ve ever known. She was freakishly strong too. She almost killed me once.” Kakashi laughed, which made Naruto laugh as well. “This is the name of my best friend. He was and still is my brother. Granted he was a bastard too.”
Naruto took a step back and looked at Kakashi. Kakashi hadn’t removed his hand from the monument, but he also wasn’t saying anything. “Try it. You have no idea how much it helps.”
Kakashi moved his finger to a name and paused for a moment. “This is the name of the Yondaime. He’s a hero and died the way he would have wanted to; protecting the village he loved. He also had a sweet tooth.” Naruto smiled. “This is the name of my friend. He showed me how I should live my life.”
Kakashi stepped back. Naruto studied him. For once he wasn’t sure what Kakashi was feeling.
“Kakashi?”
Kakashi turned and faced Naruto. He looked at Naruto with a hard look in his eyes. Then the look softened and he pointed at Naruto. “This is the person who taught me that it’s okay to live.”
Naruto blushed. He still wasn’t used to Kakashi’s romantic side. Not that he didn’t like it, he just wasn’t used to it.
“We’re not solitary creatures Kakashi.”
“No we’re not.”
Kakashi reached up and lifted his forehead protector, revealing his Sharingan. He then reached for Naruto’s hands and placed them on his mask. Naruto couldn’t believe it. Was he reading Kakashi right? When Kakashi nodded, Naruto smiled brightly.
Guess he wouldn’t have to tell Sakura and Sasuke all the details. They’ll be able to see it for themselves.
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