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To Kiss a Tomato by SilverFoxGirl

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Chapter notes: Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

Beware randomness and serious OOCness. Especially Sasuke. In fact, Sasuke fans probably shouldn't read this. Also beware unlikely pairings and major favoritism towards the Akatsuki members.

Pairings: This is a parody of all those Sakura-romance vampire fics out there. So, of course, Sakura won't be paired up with anybody. Current pairings are:

KimimaroxTentenxNeji
SasorixAnkoxIbiki
HinataxKiba
NarutoxTemari
ObitoxRinxKakashi

Other pairings are up for grabs, so if there's a pairing you want say so in your review and we'll see if we can write it in. The pairing can be as outlandish as you want, this is, after all, a humor fic (and we already have some pretty outlandish pairings).
To Kiss a...Tomato: Chapter One

Sakura shivered as she stood outside the abandoned amusement park, cursing the day she'd taken a dare from Ino. Everyone said this park had been closed down because it was haunted, but nobody except the little kids actually believed it. Still, the place was definitely spooky. And dark. And Sakura hated the dark.

She fiddled nervously with the rusty lock, half hoping that it wouldn't come open. After all, nobody could say she hadn't tried, right? She jumped and whipped around at the sound of a twig breaking behind her. Nothing.

'You're just being paranoid,' she reasoned with herself. She turned back to the lock and nearly jumped out of her skin when she came face to face with a pale boy. Who was upside down. He probably would have been hanging from something, but the gates really weren't good hanging material so he had to settle for standing on his hands. On a stool (which accounted for the fact that he was still face to face even though he was standing on his hands). Which kind of ruined the effect.

Sakura was too busy hyperventilating to notice this, though. Perhaps it was the boy's blood-red eyes that did it. Red...with little swirly things spinning in them. Sakura decided she didn't want to know.

The boy's entire look was also something that screamed "stay away from on dark nights near amusement parks." It wasn't just the eyes, it was also the pale skin, the black hair, the black (granted there was also quite a bit of blue) clothes. It was like something out of a horror movie. Except for the whole standing on his hands business, but, as we said, Sakura hadn't noticed that yet.

Then the boy spoke, which succeeded in upping the weirdness factor several notches. The boy's voice was what she expected: soft, eerie and overall "bad news"-ish. What he actually said wasn't what she expected. "Tomato."

The randomness of the word broke Sakura out of her hyperventilating. "Huh?"

"Tomato." The word was said more forcefully this time.

"Um." Sakura was starting to get seriously weirded out. More so than she was already.

Meanwhile, the boy was getting frustrated. "What part of 'tomato' don't you understand!"

"Uh...all of it?" Sakura was backing away slowly from this obviously disturbed boy. Suddenly another teenager (who looked, if anything, even more strange than the first boy, what with the trenchcoat and the sunglasses in the middle of the night) appeared.

"Sasuke, stop scaring the locals." The trenchcoat kid walked up to the crazy kid, apparently called Sasuke, and started dragging him away.

"Okaaay." Sakura said to herself as they left. She normally didn't talk to herself, but then she normally didn't break into abandoned amusement parks and abnormal things tend to be attracted to each other. She made a mental note to stay away from this park from now on. In fact, she would have left right then, except she happened to look back at the gate and see that the lock had mysteriously come undone. In fact, it had disappeared entirely. But no matter how unnerving that was, Sakura no longer had an excuse to leave.

Hesitantly, she pushed the gate. It swung open easily, giving an ear-piercing shriek as it did so. Sakura covered her ears and winced, suddenly having a whole new respect for oil.

She took a step in and paused. Nothing happened, so she took another step. Still nothing. A little more confident now, she took a few more steps in before…WHAM!


Everything went black.

She came to slowly, wondering what the heck had happened. Distantly, she heard voices arguing.

"What did you do to her, un?"

" He's passed out, Deidara. He can't hear you."

"...I knew that, un."

Groaning slightly, Sakura forced her eyes open. She immediately came face to face (again) with the boy from before.

"Do you see...the tomatoes?" He asked ominously.

Sakura was about to reply when she realized something. She could see the tomatoes! Her eyes widened. She was going crazy! Just like the kid!

"I'm going crazy!" She voiced her thoughts rather loudly. And hysterically. Which, considering the circumstances, was completely understandable.

The redheaded boy standing beside the bed gave her a 'that was a stupid comment' look. "No you're not. This is merely a phase in the transformation where you will experience hallucinations." Everyone glanced over at the crazy boy. "Sasuke never left this phase."

Which wasn't a very reassuring thing to say. In fact, nothing about this situation was very reassuring. It occurred to Sakura that she should probably find out what was going on. And find out what the redhead had meant by 'transformation.'

She turned to the redhead, who seemed to be the most sane person in the room (which wasn't saying much), and stared at the white, feathery things coming out of his back. A little voice in the back of her head informed her that they were wings and that there was no possible way they could be coming out of his back, but Sakura wasn't in the habit of listening to that voice. Which was probably why she was in this situation in the first place. Regaining her composure, she gathered up the courage to ask.

'Um...what exactly is going on here?"

The redhead continued to look at her boredly; Sasuke was leafing through a pamphlet, ignoring her, and managing to look remarkably sane; a blond man looked up from where he'd been poking an unconscious boy.

As one, everyone turned to look at the redhead. Well, the blond did, at least. Sasuke was still ignoring her and the boy on the floor was still unconscious. The redhead, noticing this, seemed to resign himself to being the explainer.

"You're now a vampire." Nobody had ever accused him of being tactful. "Itachi," he motioned to the unconscious boy, "thought you were pocky and bit you. He was drunk, obviously."

Sakura blinked at this news. "And why should I believe you?"

The redhead shrugged. "You're the one that asked." It was quickly becoming apparent that he really didn't care if she believed him or not, or even if what he had said was actually true. This made it very hard to argue with him.

Then Sakura's mind made a connection with something that had been said before. "Wait. Assuming that what you said is true-"

"It is."

Sakura glared at him for interrupting. "If Sasuke is in the same stage I am then that would make him a vampire, too." He certainly looked like one.

"Probably." The redhead wasn't being very helpful.

"Okay. Then why do you have wings?"

"I'm an angel."

This was getting weirder and weirder by the second. It also didn't make sense. In Sakura's experience, angels weren't usually apathetic. They were supposed to be kind and pure and, well, angelic. And she was pretty sure they didn't hang around with vampires, either. Of course, she had never actually met an angel before, so she couldn't really talk. "Is this going to be like some science-fiction novel that I got transported into when I wasn't looking?"

"I wouldn't know. I don't read science-fiction novels."

Sakura decided then that she was very tired and should probably go to sleep. Now. And hope that this was all just a very strange dream. So she did.

"I think that went well, un." The blond commented after she had gone to sleep.

"You didn't do anything." The redhead stated. The blond just shrugged and grinned before pulling out a lump of clay and molding it carefully into what was probably going to end up being some sort of cute, fluffy animal.

Itachi chose this moment to wake up. He blinked his eyes (and rather painfully, as he had a huge hangover) groggily

"Where's the pocky?" He asked as soon as he was conscious enough to realize that the life-sized pocky he had seen earlier was no longer there.

The redhead sighed. "There is no pocky. You were drunk, and that was a teenage wearing pink. Congratulations, you've done the impossible and created a vampire that doesn't have the sharingan."

Itachi’s eyes widened and he started to gasp but then stopped because that made his head hurt. “But…isn’t that impossible? You have to have the sharingan to be a vampire! Everyone who has it is a vampire!” It was true. Kakashi had proven it when he spontaneously turned into one when he got the sharingan eye transplanted to replace the one he’d mysteriously lost. Nobody was sure where the eye had come from, because Obito was still alive and well with both of his eyes intact, but nobody worried about it too much. Plot holes were pretty common occurrences at the amusement park.

“We know. Apparently she doesn’t.”

“But…but…this is making my head hurt.”

“I’m not surprised after how drunk you were acting last night. How do you get drunk off of pocky, anyway?”

Itachi shrugged. The conversation was cut short as Anko came running into the room. “Sasori! Kimimaro and Neji are doing it again and Tsunade says that if me or Ibiki beat them up again she’d beat us up!”

“…And what do you expect me to do about it?” The redhead, now identified as Sasori, spoke in the same bored tone he’d been using the entire scene. Anko gave him a ‘you are an idiot’ look.

“Beat them up!”

Sasori sighed and walked out the door, narrowly dodging a poison dart trap set there some time after Anko had come through. He was greeted by the scene of Kimimaro and Neji in the middle of a heated glaring match. Which, considering they were the resident arrogant pretty-boys, could (and often did) get pretty nasty.

Between them, looking exasperated, was Tenten. It was obvious this had happened before. It was equally obvious that Tenten was not very impressed by it. The boys, being boys, of course were oblivious of this.

Sasori sighed and began to think of how he could break this up without any consequences to himself. Fortunately, he knew exactly how to break them up. Clearing his throat, he walked right up to the two rivals. “She’s awake.” The statement succeeded in snapping both boys out of their standoff. “But she’s sleeping now. Who’s going to explain this to her parents?”

This was a point nobody had thought of before. What were they going to tell the girl’s parents? That their daughter had accidentally been turned into a vampire and would have to live in an abandoned amusement park with a bunch of shady characters? Everyone stared at each other for a while, considering it.

“I know, un!” Deidara had dragged Sasuke and Itachi out of the room so they wouldn’t freak Sakura out again when she woke up. “We could get Itachi to bite them, too!”

…That actually wasn’t a bad idea. Except for one small problem. “How do we know Itachi can even do it again? You’re not supposed to be able to turn someone who doesn’t have the sharingan into a vampire.”

“Oh yeah.” This only deterred Deidara for a second. “We could give them the sharingan, un!”

“ Sure. Just find a couple of Uchiha willing to give up their eyes and convince her parents to lie down on the operating table and we’re all set.” Neji replied sarcastically, drawing a pout from Deidara.

Kimimaro glared at Neji for no particular reason, other than the fact that he really didn’t like the elf much, before answering. “We could knock them out.”

“Sure, but we still need to actually get the eyes.” Neji put in, not wanting the shapeshifter’s suggestion to go unchallenged.

“Get them from wherever Kakashi got his.” Tenten spoke up then, effectively stopping the argument before it began.

There was a short silence. “Where did Kakashi get his eye?” Neji finally asked, voicing the question on everyone’s mind. Everyone looked at each other.

“Someone talking about me?” Said vampire commented as he walked into the room, usual orange book in hand.

“Yeah, where’d you get your eye, un?” Deidara asked bluntly.

Kakashi blinked. “My eye? Dunno, some strange girls gave it to me.”

All of the Favorite Characters (which was most of the people in the room) looked at each other, knowing exactly who he was talking about. Which brought up a course of action nobody had considered before. Ask the authors. It would certainly solve their problem, but things tended to get chaotic when the authors were involved. Well, more chaotic than usual. Deciding that it was worth the risk, everyone who knew what was going on turned to Itachi, who was still on the floor but looking much better than before. As the official Favorite Character of both the authors, he was the one relegated to asking them for favors. Poor him.

Said authors were currently very amused at the predicament the group had gotten themselves into. Nevertheless, they decided that, for the sake of continuing the fic in the amusement park, they’d help them out. So it was that Sakura’s parents got mysterious letters informing them that their daughter had been chosen to participate in a highly secretive government project that existed for the good of everyone and would they please sign this form saying that they agreed with the terms enclosed and would not go searching the abandoned amusement park for their daughter.

Now that the whole matter was resolved, things went back to normal rather abruptly. One of the bombs Deidara had been fiddling with (something he did whenever he wasn’t occupied with something else) went off, leveling everything in a ten-mile radius. Sasori, hair and clothes scorched but otherwise unharmed (a feat anyone living in the park for any amount of time learned out of pure necessity) looked over to where Sakura’s room used to be.

“I suppose next time we should shield the room.”
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