Here's a Lullaby For You
Father always praised me.
It wasn’t as if there hadn’t been anything to praise, for I was always exceeding his expectations. Being the stoic, strict, traditional father he was, he had always said that my success was to be expected. To push me further, he used his expectations to make Sasuke and I feel as if we had just barely met his approval. I knew otherwise. There was no way that Father could have expected me to attain the Sharingan at such a young age, let alone become Anbu Captain only a few years later. He always said he was proud to have me as a son. I was strong. I was expected to carry on the family.
Work until my age or body let out.
Marry a good wife.
Teach them all I could.
Die knowing I could leave the family in good hands.
That was all my life would come down to.
Of course, that was what every son of the Uchiha clan was expected to do. Sasuke would have been no different. He IS no different. The only thing that’s changed is his desire to kill me. He knows I want it. I’m sure he does. Unlike how our father always treated him, he surpassed all the others in his schooling. My little brother was actually meeting Father’s expectations precisely. However, under my shadow it seemed as if all his successful efforts were failures. He had not obtained our kekkei genkai by the time I had, nor had he become a Genin. He was just starting his academy training by that time. I suppose Father made it that way: pushing Sasuke further than he would have if he had praised my little brother.
That’s part of what had to stop.
I told Sasuke once that there are downsides from being too strong. Everyone expects things from you. I had gone past everyone’s expectations, including my own. When would I be out of expectations to pass? When would our father run out of things to praise me for? When would it start to turn on Sasuke? It would have been soon - I knew that - but Sasuke would not have been praised for his efforts. He would have been told something along the lines of ‘wonderful, but you’re not like Itachi.’ Sasuke would have been a broken man. So would I.
When people expect the extraordinary from you, that’s all you can give. I would soon hit my limit, and I would have nothing else to gain from it. I suppose my downfall was the day I found out the family secret: the Mangekyou Sharingan.
There’s a reason no one talks about it, if they know about it at all.
The Mangekyou is perfection.
It is the final stage of our abilities.
Once it has been obtained it and gained control of, the Uchiha who wields it has nothing else to learn.
I took it.
It was my last chance to obtain something greater than what my father could expect of me. Of course, that came at a price. I made enemies of the family, and had a falling out with my father. Even Sasuke knew what was going on, and he had no part in my plans. . . not entirely anyway.
I told Sasuke on the night I murdered the family that I wanted to test my skills. It was the truth. Though I had gained the Mangekyou, I had not yet learned of its full potential. Testing it out on the job would have been wasteful and useless. However, testing it out on those who were able to put up a fight against me. . . there lies the truth of my decision. My own family were the only ones worthy enough to test my new skills on.
I knew Sasuke would not be home in time to see the massacre. When he worked, he lost all sense of time and fatigue. When he would arrive home, he and I would be the only ones left of the family. He and I would be the only ones capable of obtaining the eyes I obtained. Once Sasuke committed to something, he gave his heart and soul to it. He would commit to the Mangekyou, and to killing me. I would at last have a challenge I could not beat. I would finally have a rival which could best me at my own game. . .
I would die happy.
From an outsiders view, this entire tale of expectations and talent seems awfully boring. However, after analyzing my own actions I can finally understand what all this truly meant.
Humans aren’t meant to have so much talent. There’s some masochistic streak in us that must suffer and work for what we have. If something is just given to us, we are not truly happy or satisfied. My talent allowed me to gain ranks at such a young age that most ninja never acquire in their lifetimes. Psychologically, it was reasonable that I would want to earn my positions and praise.
To a certain extent, I did.
That’s where it becomes interesting.
Working at something requires time. Time implies that you are able to fully master your art, then thus have only half your life left to practice it as a master, knowing that you had suffered through all the hardships to get to where you are. It was your right to have the power and position you have.
I had endured no such suffering, nor time.
How long can one be a master of his own art?
It’s a question that gnaws at me now.
That’s where Sasuke came in.
Sasuke would become a master in his own way: the way that people are supposed to become masters. He would indeed be further than most of his age, however, he would still be in the safe area in which he had to work to obtain his strength. I envied that, yet that’s what made him perfect for killing me. My own flesh and blood would be the one to destroy me, yet he would be the one thing I could never become. It’s what I want.
As sick as it sounds, it’s what I want much more than anything else in the world.
I need to be reassured that I have lived a meaningless life in the pursuit of nothingness.
I have gained nothing by living.
Sasuke. . . my beloved brother. . . is the very embodiment of what needs to kill me. I knew it from the moment I had realized what Father was doing with us. He would live to become my rival: become the avenger that he has grown up to be.
And someday, he would grow strong enough to kill me.
I would die staring into the Mangekyou.
My own eyes. . .
Sasuke, I’m waiting for the day I can die. Surely you understand my reasons for letting you live. They are all selfish, and I’ve put you through much more than I had ever intended to. However, once you’ve killed me - you, the master of an art that I could never be - I’m sure you can carve out a life much better than anything we could have had as a family.
Until then. . .
Here’s a lullaby to close your eyes
It was always you that I despised
I don’t care enough for you to cry
Here’s a lullaby to close your eyes. . .
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Chapter notes: Disclaimer: I don't own the Naruto characters, the "Silent Hill" song that I use four lines from, nor the video that gave me in inspiration on Friday, October 13.
A/N: I had an itching to write all day, but came up with nothing until about 9 at night. By then, the rain and lightning had started, thus I had to rush through this to get it out of my head before I lost the entire story. I tried to get it up last night, but apparently me parents had shut off their computer upstairs as well as the internet connection to all of the computers in my house so the lightning wouldn't effect it. Thus, my plan to post something on Friday, the 13th of October was kind of ruined. None the less, I'll post this because I think I've finally understood why Itachi killed everyone.