That dream haunts me everytime I fall asleep. There is no way to escape it, no one can see me. But everytime I dream my father gets closer, it may be just a centimeter, or an inch, and on the worse ones he moved meters towards me. He never does reach me though, and every time its Kakashi who has to shake me awake. Its been two weeks already, and I don’t have any control over it, in most dreams Tomoko simply isn’t there. She must have been a one time thing, but it didn’t make a difference, I still woke up crying no matter what. I knew it was just a dream, but it still felt real, too real.
I barely started therapy yesterday, and everything hurt, I couldn’t walk on my own yet, I still had to lean on the wall, but I no longer had Eri do almost everything for me. She still made Kakashi dinner though, but when he could he would eat with me. He’s not here everyday, but I don’t mind at all, he is busy. I go to sleep alone, but I am awaken from my nightmare by him. He’s always there somehow, so I get some rest from a hurtful session. Sai took the liberty to draw me two more paintings, one of the sun rising and the other in the afternoon. Then he put them next to each other, and the three paintings looked like a complete day had past by. It was beautiful, and it was all mine. I find myself staring at the stroke lines when I am alone, my mind wanders to disitant places where even I can’t always reach myself.
There is a knock on the door, but I already know who it was. Recently I have been appointed Sakura’s guinea pig. I have great chakra control, so they’ve told me, and Sakura is still learning how to apply her chakra to healing, so I can tell her if she’s using too much or too little chakra. It relieves the pain and speeds the healing process. Like always Sakura walks into the room smiling.
“Good morning Kiyoko, how are you feeling?” She asks again.
“You know, in much pain, but you’re here to help me through this right,” I say. The nurse comes after her with breakfast. I usually wait a little later for Hinata or Eri to sneak in breakfast for me. They put me on a special diet to rebuild my muscles, I need a lot of protein. The nurse leaves after she sets the food in front of me. Sakura sits, and I wait until the nurse is gone to put it on my table side. Later Kiba and Akamaru will come by, and Akamaru will take care of the nasty hospital food. I sit up for Sakura, this is routine, she unties the robe in the back, and hold her hands above my back. I feel the medical chakra that she’s been working so hard for was finally doing its job.
The first time I met Sakura she eased the pain when I fell, but now I can actually feel the healing process speed, her chakra was helping me at a cellular level. She’s really has improved tremendously. The air is cold as my back is exposed to it, the window is closed but that didn’t stop the draft. I stare at Sai’s painting, and waited for my morning session to end. Hinata comes in an hour later as Sakura helps me tie my robe, like always she brought breakfast for both Sakura and me. Is different every day, it was the only thing that changed in my life right now, other than breakfast my life was uneventful. I was waiting for something to happen.
“Kiyoko you look great. Your therapy is going well?” Hinata asks. I did feel stronger, and my fingers look almost like they used to. I still haven’t looked in a mirror, I’m still afraid that I will see my father staring back at me.
“Yes it has, its a bit painful, but Sakura is helping me with the pain,” I tell her. I earn a smile from her. I don’t want to tell her it hurts to move that would only make her worry. We eat breakfast, and then Kiba joins us to do his duty. Akamaru licks the plates clean. Hinata leaves for daily training with Neji, and Kiba leaves to feed the pups. It was his job to take care of the young dogs, they would soon be big enough to join their masters in battle. Sakura leaves when the nurse enters, she has to keep training with Lady Tsunade. It seems like everyone has their pace to live, mine was at a halt for the time being. I was just glad I wasn’t holding them back.
“Miss Kiyoko, it time for your daily stretching and exercise.” Yuki, my nurse helps me stand, but she takes my arms, and begins to stretch my muscles. After she takes care of my upper body, I sit so she can stretch my lower body. After the stretch I feel much more tired, but I still had to go through physical therapy. Yuki offered me a canw that helped me walk on my own, but I don’t take it. I can walk on my own. I slip on my slippers, and walk to room. My muscles screamed, and sweat formed on my forehead. By the time I slide the door open my lungs were tired from breathing so irregularly. That is how I spend one more week of my time.
Its been three weeks already, and I can do everything on my own, I was still slow, but i didn’t need anyone to bath me anymore. Of course Lady Tsunade and my nurses thought I would be stuck in there for much longer, but they forgotten how I heal is different. As a matter of fact anyone else who would have gone through what I have should have died. Their heart would have stopped, and their brain would be fried. I on the other hand still had my heart beating and my brain was not cooked, I guess I had to thank my strong body and the beast for that.
Kakashi was here since the very early morning, he would help me get me home. I gather my clothing and my flowers that Ino changed every couple of days. She has helped me too. My bones were still sore, but I wasn’t in any pain anymore. Kakashi takes all of my belongings, telling me he didn’t want to push my muscles too far. Asking him when I can begin training again is out of the question, I know he will only say no. I say goodbye to Yuki, and walk beside Kakashi to the house.
I was finally going to be able to sleep in my own room, and eat the food I wanted. I wrap my scarf around my neck, it was late January and the sky looked like it could cry tears of frost. Snow was getting closer. Kakashi brought me a pair of his gloves, they fit loose, but they keep me warm. The old man who always greeted me is standing in front of his stand like always.
“Oh Miss, I hope you are doing well, I’ve very happy to see you moving around again,” He smiles. I smile in return, “I’m glad you still remember me,” I stop.
“How could I forget your kind smile,” his smile is worn, but still very much genuine. Like a smile that never sent false perceptions. He gives me a round piece of candy.
“For your worries,” he squeezes my hand. I nod before I leave him. He is such a kind soul. Kakashi waits for me catch up.
“You know that old man always gave Obito candy when he helped him groceries. The other day he told me your smile remindes him of the boy from long ago. Obito had a kind smile too,” He smiles too. His smile is not just kind, but it is warm. I look at the stairs leading to the apartment. I haven’t climbed stairs yet. so I don’t know if I can. Kakashi notices because he sets the bags on the top of the staircase, and helps me get up. He wraps his arm around my waist and practically carried most of my weight.
“Thank you,” I say, I didn’t want to ask for help, but I knew stairs might have been to much for me. Kakashi goes ahead and opens the apartment door. It is warm inside, it makes my skin tingle, it smells like home, just like I remembered.
“I’ll go set your things in my room,” he says. His room? What?
“Your room?”
“I thought you would be more comfortable sleeping on a bed rather than a futon,”
“No, no. I’m okay really. I won’t let you sleep on a futon,”
Kakashi smiles, but takes my things in his room anyways. I just stand in the living room. He comes back with his backpack.
“Its okay, I have to go on a mission in a bit, so I asked Eri if she could keep you company while I’m gone. I don’t want you to sleep through your nightmares,” His voice softens at the end. I just got home, and he was already leaving. It was just a ninja life, he had to go, I can’t hold him back from his missions. I nod, he gives me a spirit lifting smile, before he walks over to me and gather me in his arms. I take a deep breath in, I want to memorize his smell, I want to remember his warmth. I knew what it felt to lose, I almost fell into the coldness not too long ago.
“Rest, and don’t you dare train while I am away. Take it easy, Eri will be here with you and I will be back sooner than you know,” He says into my hair.
“Will Sakura and Sai go with you?” I ask. Savoring the warmth while I still can. He has always been here to look after me I never thought I would need him like I do now. He makes me feel sure of myself. Kakashi has changed the way I think, especially his experience and Obito’s. I do wish I had meet him somehow.
“Yes and Yamato, Stay warm, okay?” He squeezes me again, before he lets me go. I don’t feel his warmth anymore, but the apartment keeps me from shivering. He doesn’t look back when he shuts the door behind him. I don’t know what to do, so I just put some tea in the kettle and wait for Eri to arrive. I make sure all of the windows are closed, I didn’t want the heat to escape through the cracks. I was folding my clothes back into their drawers when a knock interrupts me. Eri lets herself in, a blanket in hand, and a small bag in the other.
“Looks like you’re glad to be home,” She smiles, before she sets her fluffy blanket on the couch. Maybe she should sleep on the bed, she is pregnant.
“Are you okay with staying with me? You don’t have to, I”m sure your husband would like to be with you.” I ask and pour us some steaming tea. Her face is red from the cold wind outside.
“He’s on another mission. When you can’t be a ninja anymore, you kind of realize that ninja are busy. He leaves a lot, but that’s his job,” Eri shrugs. I leave to the bathroom, it slips my mind that there is a mirror in there. I finally look at my reflection, it was true I’m no longer the same. Now I know why Kakashi said to stay warm because my eyes looked cold, dead, there was no life in them like there was before. The green of my eyes was no longer vibrant, it was like all the electricity has sucked it away. I looked more like my father now than I ever did before. I turned away, deciding my relief can wait until later.
I walk back to Eri, she was looking through the cabinets for snacks. She reaches for a packet of crackers, she turns when I enter the kitchen.
“Are you okay, you look paler than usual,” She opens the packet. I swallow my fear. I was afraid that I looked like him.
“Ya, so have you found out the gender of the baby?” I ask, trying to keep all of the attention away from me. She smiles.
“Oh yes I did! I totally forgot, guess what it is?” Eri holds her hands in front of her. She was bursting of excitement.
“A girl?” I ask, I knew she wanted a girl first.
“Yes!” She jumps, “I knew it, I’m so excited for everything we will do together.”
“That’s great. So she will be named Yasuko,” I remember. She agrees. That afternoon she told me what the duties of being a godmother is. She told me I’ll called Auntie Kiyoko, and I was going to buy her first outfit. I had to get money before, but I promised her I would. I was to take care of her if anything happened to her and her husband. I pray nothing happened to them because I wouldn’t know how to raise a child. A godmother is like a second mother. Ino stops by for a bit, but she has a mission to go on too. It seems like everyone was assigned missions today, it makes me worry if there is danger near. Eri and I make lunch for ourselves, before we go out on a walk. Eri is wrapped in her coat, her hands are in gloves, and her neck is shielded by the cold. I bundle up too, and begin thinking of the best way to get down the stairs. Eri holds my arm while I get down slowly, my knees hurt, but I get down the stairs without falling flat on my face.
“It looks like its going to snow any moment,” Eri looks at the sky. You can clearly see our breathing, and it was just past midday.
“Do you mind if we go visit my mom. I go everyday since she lives on her own now,” Eri points to the direction of her house. I don’t reject but I wasn’t looking forward to seeing her mother. I am afraid she still sees me as the monster she warned her daughter to stay away from. I hope she has left it all behind like Eri has. We walk east, we get closer to one another, the cold wind made us shiver. It felt like forever because my body was aching. She stops in front of a small house. There are large plant plots by the front door. They looked very healthy, which was out of place considering the weather. She walks to the front door before opening it, thankfully there are no stairs.
“Ma, I brought a friend over,” She yells. I hear the scraping of a chair.
“Well bring them into the kitchen before you two freeze to death. Shut the door, the warm air will escape and my bones will ache from the coldness.” Eri’s mother yells back. I step inside quickly and shut the door. The house looks very cozy, a little crowded but very homey. There were many pictures on the wall which made the walls look smaller. I see a family portrait, it was taken back in the Moon Village. Eri is in front of her father and next to her brother. Eri’s mother hand her hand on their shoulders. They were a big happy family. Eri had her father’s looks. Their hair were a few shades off, but their eyes were the same. Eri and her brother looked alike too. Her mother had dark brown hair. Her nose was longer than her children and husband, but still beautiful. She must have been beaming to see her family together, but now it was just her and Eri. The couch was warmed down, but looked very soft. I follow Eri to her mother. She was sitting in the kitchen, a blanket on her lap, and knitting needles in her hand. She must be knitting her first grandchild something. Her brown hair had a few gay hairs lining her face. She was older now, years of grieving had aged her. She finally looks at me, her hands stopping, she’s finally realized who I am.
“You! What do you think you’re doing with her! Eri you’re pregnant, don’t you think about the safety of your child!” Eri’s mother stands from her chair. So she has remembered me as the monster, I guess she can only see me in a certain way.
“Mom! She’s not dangerous! She isn’t who you remember, it-”
“No! Get out, don’t you dare get near my daughter again”
“She’s Yasuko’s godmother! You don’t know who she really is!” Eri defends me.
“Eri I think it’s better if I leave and let you two discuss about it,” I say to Eri. She stops talking to her mother.
“No, there is no need to talk about it-”
“There is. I’m fine really. I was planning on visiting a few people today anyways,” I let myself out, I close the door, shutting the argument from the public. My past is mine, I can’t erase it from everyone’s mind. I walk a bit before I stop at the cemetery. I grab a pail, filling it with water. I go to Rin’s graveyard first, washing away the cold dirt, giving my respect. And then I do the same with Obito. Watch over Kakashi, Sai, Sakura, and Yamato while they are away.
“He thinks of you everyday, just today I learned that the old man in front of our house knew you while you were away. Even after death, you’re still remembered. Nothing bad is ever spoken of you, and I wonder if that will be the same for me. If you really can see everything then you must have seen Eri’s mother reaction. Do you think I’ll ever change in everyone’s eyes, I hope I do,” I tell Obito. It can say everything that is on my chest and I know he won’t tell a soul. Maybe he can tell Rin who is up there with him, but they can’t tell anyone down here. I make sure both Rin and Obito are taken care of before I leave the pail where it belongs.
I continue my walk, its the only source of exercise I can get right now, but maybe in a week or two I can get back to normal. That is what I hope. I was walking far enough to get out of the buzz of the central commotion, it was then that I see it. It must have been full of Uchihas at some point, the Uchiha district. I can only imagine the number of people that lived here, but it was deserted now. It was all alone, I don’t walk in, I just stare from a far like everyone else. I see something wizz pat me, and then I see Tomoko sitting on a tree leading to the entrance. I get a little closer to her, her white feather were bright.
“Tomoko,” I say, making sure she wasn’t just my imagination.
“Tomorrow Kiyoko,” She says, before she vanishes in a puff of white. A puff of white snow. One by one snow fell, frosted water fell from heaven, covering everything in it’s path. It came in a thin layer. I look above to see the sky grey and cold. Stay warm, Kakashi said. If only I could feel warmth like I did before. I look at the snowflake that lands on my palm, it doesn’t melt rapidly. I don’t feel warm, and I fear that I will be cold forever. Tomoko said tomorrow, but I didn’t know what was going to happen tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow I will feel the warmth again, or maybe tomorrow I will begin my journey she had mentioned before. Or maybe tomorrow will only bring more snow.
For today I return to the artificial warmth in the apartment. I feel like a frozen shell, and no boiling shower could melt layers away. I see Eri in living room as I get out of the shower, her face is in a frown.
“Kiyoko, I’m so sorry, about my mom. She had no right to say that. I decide who I hang out with, and I still want you to be her godmother. You’ll do it right?” Eri looks like she is in the brink of tears and for now I forget about the iceberg inside me. I forget that it grew, instead I try to send all of my warmth to Eri.
“Its okay. I know that people will always think of me as a monster, I just have to deal with it right.” I put a brave smile for her. Her tears don’t fall.
“As an apology I’ll make dinner tonight,” Eri practically skips to the kitchen, leaving me to shiver on my own. I stare at my hands, they were shaking furiously. I think about fire, trying to imagine the heat. Why am I feeling so cold? Eri doesn't let me help with dinner, I retreat to Kakashi’s bedroom that is temporarily mine. I look at the pictures I’ve seen countless of times. Their smiles make me feel just a bit warmer. I wanted something like this, I wanted to teach others my ninja way. Can I ever be a sensei to students? I lay my head on Kakashi’s pillow, it smells just like him, and for an instant I can feel his presence with me, his flame that he carries inside him. I can feel it melt the ice inside me.
“Kiyoko dinner is ready,” Eri says from the kitchen. I blow warm air to my fingers, easing the shaking a bit. Eri serves my dinner, a steaming miso soup, with sweet bean pot stickers. Eri apologizes again. She even said she wanted me to attend Yasuko's birth. I didn’t say a word, I just ate. I cleaned in return while she showered. I turned the hot water on, but the shaking continued, I know Eri noticed it, but she didn’t say a word about it. We sit in the living room after everything is out away and clean.
“Do you want the couch or bed?” I ask her, I was feeling tired from today’s event. I thought sleeping a bit early tonight would be better.
“You take the bed, I brought my warm blanket so the couch is perfect.They are much more comfortable than my own couch,” She smiles. I think she senses my unease.We say good night. I change for the night, and pray the well being of everyone who is out on a mission. I pray that tonight’s dream does not come. However it did, it came with force.
There was no one this time. No Kakashi, no Guy, no one was there. And I was not in the Moon anymore, I was in the Leaf. I was home, but there wasn’t a soul around. I ran through the streets, looking for anyone who is still alive. I run every street, and it was finally than that I see the Uchiha district. It was full, it was vibrant with life. I see Sasuke smiling , and there were countless of faces that I didn’t know. But they all shared one thing, they all had activated their Sharingans. All of them, even infants.
Was this how it would have been if the Uchiha did attack the Leaf. Sasuke was at front and center, he was walking towards me. Their eyes were boring into mine. I take a step back, but I crash into someone. I turn around to see my father smiling down at me.
“I’ve won,” He smirks. Sasuke gets closer.
“No, NO!” I yell out of desperation. I can feel the vomit build. My hands were shaking, and the beast takes control, I wrap my hands around my father’s throat.
I wake up to the sound of gasping air. I’m so disoriented that I don’t realize my hands are around Eri’s throat. I pull them away. She’s on her knees, gasping for air. I’ve hurt her. I can see my fingers turn blue, like they were turning into ice. I was afraid of myself again.
“Kiyoko,” Eri begins.
“No, don’t get any closer. Please just get out of here!”
“No. I’m not afraid of you. I won’t leave you alone,”
“You should be scared of me! Now get out of here before I throw you out!” I spit at her. Even in the dark I can see the marks I’ve left her. It was almost daybreak, tomorrow she said. Tomorrow is today, was this what she meant. Was this what she tried to warn me? Eri doesn’t say anything more, she leaves the room, and soon after I hear the front door slam shut.
This dream, the sharingan, my father, Sasuke, today. I am feeling a new fear.
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Chapter notes: So sorry it has been a while since I updated. To make up for it, this chapter is long and full of new rising questions. Shows that the war inside her is a never ending battle, and I think that is unique about her. All of the other jinchuuriki's are different from her. Enjoy reading!
Chapter end notes: Thanks for reading!! Let me know what you think about this chapter. All feedback is welcomed.
Until next chapter!