I couldn't look at myself in the mirror anymore. It reminded me of everything I went through a couple days ago. Lady Tsunade insisted on doing some research on the jutsu. I didn’t pay much attention because every time I had time to think my mind would wander to Suzu and to the words my mother said. I couldn’t think straight, couldn’t sleep at night, I couldn’t get up in the morning, I couldn’t eat, I just layed in my room and let the days go by. Eri came by on the day after the incident, she tried to give me the head protector, but I slapped it away from her hand. I’ll never touch that thing again. I’ll never use the weapons that my pouch holds. I didn’t deserve the trust of others, the trust that I would protect them. Suzu’s bloody face flashes into my head, I close my eyes and try to make it go away. Those memories still lingered. The face of my father as he shunned me. The face of my dead mother. Her haunting smile.
The sun began to illuminate my dark room, the sun rose again, how many times has it been, six sun rises and five sunsets. I’ve seen them all from the comfort of my small bedroom. I hear footsteps, I knew they would come. It would be Kakshi asking if I needed anything, and later it would be Shizune checking up on my for Lady Tsunade. She was the only person who dared to enter my room. I rose my hand and held it against the dull light, it was still there. The blood dripped and stained the floor, I no longer cried like I used to, it was always there. It smelled like copper and I grew to breath the odor in like I would breathe in oxygen.
The footsteps came to a halt in front of my door, Kakashi picked up the tray of untouched food from yesterday. My stomach still revolted to think about eating, the thought of food reminded me of the orphanage. I killed all of the war orphans, how could I live with the lives of children on my shoulders? I have been, but I just realize the heavy burden. There was a knock at my door, I knew it was coming. I expected Kakashi to tell me the usual, but I heard Sakura’s voice instead.
“Kiyoko, I’m coming in.”
Before I could refuse, she slides my door open and closes it behind her, Kakashi’s face is just visible before the door blocks the view. I didn’t want to see anyone right now, I couldn’t. Sakura sat in front of me, and I forced my body to lean on the wall. She looked the same as always, but her eyes were dimmer.
“I’m worried about you Kiyoko, We all are. Believe it or not, even Lady Tsunade is worried about you too. Tell me what is on your mind.”
Her pleads are useless, I couldn’t tell her what I have done. She would hate me, and I can’t live through those hatred stares again. She touches my hand, and I flinch away. Sakura is still a pure girl, she hasn’t been sullied with blood.
“Tell me Sakura, have you killed anyone?”
She jumps in confusion.
“No, I haven’t.” She looks down at her hands and then at mine, can she see the blood on my hand like I can see it?
“You can’t understand me no matter how much I tell you. Go, and come back when you’ve killed a friend.” I tell her. She stares widely at me, her eyes full of shock. I didn’t kill Suzu but I might as well have. Her life was in my hands and I might as well stabbed her with a kunai. Sakura swallows and slowly rises from her kneeling position. She shuffles to the door and I watch as she turns back. It looks like she wants to say something, but she left as quickly as she came. I let my body slide to the floor and stared at the closed door. Will she ever come back? No my mind told me, she wasn’t coming back anytime soon. There is part of me that tells me to get up and follow her and tell her everything I feel, but other part of me tells me its better to let her go. Its better to not have friends, then I don’t have to worry about feeling that type of pain again.
The sun was high in the sky and no one came by, I’ve chased Sakura away, Lady Tsunade was busy, Kakashi is probably done waiting for me to come out, and I know I make Shizune nervous. It was me, myself, and I, and not to forget the beast. He hasn’t spoken to me since the night I stormed from the hospital. It felt like it happened so long ago but it happened last week, time slowed when you are alone, I know with plenty of experience. My black hair felt stiff, how long has it been since I’ve showered? How long has it been since I’ve changed clothes?
“You do stink.” The beast in me comments, something in the voice made it sound like he was trying to cheer me up, but we both know he’d never do that.
“You can’t even smell me, so get lost.” I tell him, he laughs. Its annoying, he always laughs at the most not funny things. His sense of humor is messed up, but then again I’m a little messed up too.
“You’ve been lonely. I can feel it, I came here to keep you company, at the very least you can welcome me.”
“You’ll never be welcomed.”
“We’ll at least we share that much in common.” The beast smirks, he was beginning to irritate me, and using the little nerve I still had. I use the mental cages and shrink them, that’ll keep him quiet for a while. He was right though, I’m not welcomed, but I was somehow welcomed here, wasn’t I? Welcome doesn’t mean friends, or trust, it certainly doesn’t mean I’ll start a new life here.
It was the evening when someone knocks on my door again. I groan, today I’ve had one too many visitors. I was staring at the bird nest in a tree through the window, the door opened, I didn’t make an effort to turn and see who it was.
“Its a beautiful day.” Kakashi says. I turn around he hand his hands in his pockets, and leaned at my door way. I haven’t seen him in a couple days, it was silly since he lived here and his bedroom was right next door. He looked refreshed, so he’s fully recovered now, that’s good for him. He closes the door behind me and stands in front of the window, blocking my view of the birds. He looked outside instead, “Sakura came by earlier, she didn’t seem too happy when she left.”
In other words she told you what I told her. She always confines and trusts her elders. She had them in her life, I wished I had them when I was younger, maybe I wouldn’t have turned out like I did. I stare at my hands, the crimson liquid spread to my fore arm now. It was growing, with every person I killed.
“Yes, I have,” He asks. I was going to ask if he ever killed a friend, but it was if he read my mind. “Sakura is too young, but me on the other hand I have killed a friend, a couple to be honest. They were my former teammates.”
He knows what its like. To live with guilt, did he ever imagined he had bloody hands, I didn’t imagine, I did have bloody hands.
“It was during the war, I had just been promoted to a jounin. Our sensei assigned us to a mission, and I was the leader. It was my first mission as a jounin. I was someone who always believed in following the rules, and completing missions. If you followed them you’d become a successful ninja,” He says to the sky. He closes the window, and exists my bedroom, and shortly returns. He has picture frames in his hand, and he sits close enough to show me them.
“I led Obito Uchiha, and Rin Nohara.” He pointed at the boy with the goggles, and a petite girl in the middle. She was smiling brightly as Kakashi and Obito frowned. The older man in the picture must be their Sensei. He looked a lot like Naruto.
“We faced trouble immediately after Minato-sensei parted ways with us. Mist ninja attacked us, and kidnapped Rin. I was set on completing our mission, it was just the type of boy I was, but Obito couldn’t let Rin be taken away. You see, Obito loved Rin, he never admit it, but I saw through it. He and I never got along, he was always running late, and he was never good at a lot of things, he hasn’t even awaken his Sharingan yet.” I saw him smile at the distant memory he was thinking of. It sounded like they weren’t friends, but he still cared for him. Kakashi continued.
“We argued and before he went on his own, he said 'Those that break the rules and regulations are scum. But those who abandon their comrades are worse than scum. If I'm going to be called scum either way, I'd rather break the rules! And if that's not being a proper shinobi, then I'll destroy that idea!' He was so sure that friendship and saving your loves ones was the better than completing a mission. I just stared at his back as he walked away from, me. I was so furious that he didn't obey my orders. I thought I didn't need him, and I thought I could do the mission on my own. I was alone with my thoughts and I realized that I would be heartbroken if anything happened to them, they were the closest thing I had to friends. I found my way back to him, just in time. That was the first time Obito every taught me anything. It was the greatest lesson I have learned so far." Kakashi sets the pictures in my lap. Making me see the friend he had made. There was more to the story so I patiently waited for him to continue.
“We were facing a tricky enemy. One of the Mist Ninja could make it’s body transparent, there wasn’t a clear way to tell where he was. We covered each other’s back, but he got me. I dodged in time to be seriously injured. He scratched me eye with his kunai, its the reason I have this scar now. Obito jumped in front of me, ready to fight. And to my surprise he stabbed the enemy in the stomach. He was able to awaken his Sharingan, and see where the enemy was. It was a gift that saved both of our lives. We got to Rin, inside a cave. There was one ninja there, trying to get information out of her. We pushed him out of the cave, and we were going to go outside. I thought we were safe and we were all going to get home. It wasn’t until the cave began to cave in, one of the enemy ninja used earth jutsu to bury us in. A rock knocked me to my feet, I watched as the rock above me was going to crush me. I thought I was a dead boy.” He stared at Obito in the frame, he looked at him with so much admiration.
“Obito grabbed me and pushed me out of the way. The next time I open my eyes, I see RIn besides me, and Obito underneath the large bolder. I tried and I pushed, thinking of all the ways I could get him out there. We finally became friends, I couldn’t let him die. He told me he couldn’t feel anything anymore. He knew it was over for him. Obito gave me this eye, as a gift.” Kakashi lifts his head protector, I finally see the Sharingan he posses. So that is where he got the Sharingan without being part of an Uchiha.
“I felt so unworthy of being a captain, and a jounin. Obito smiled in his last moments. The last words he told me were ‘ Kakashi I leave Rin to you’ I vowed to protect Rin for Obito, he loved her. I tried, but I failed at that too.” Kakashi looked lost in thought.
“What happened to her?” I bravely asked. He sighs and continues the long story.
“Shortly after, Rin was forced to be the Jinchuuriki of the three tails. The Mist ninja wanted to control her and use the beasts power to win the war. She kept on telling me to kill her, that she would rather die than harm the village. I was convinced that the village would be able to help her, I couldn’t let Rin die after promising Obito I would protect her. The Mist were persistent and attacked us with numbers, we were completely surrounded. I still remember the fear I felt back then. I used my Chidori to take an enemy down, but Rin jumped between us. I was going to fast to stop my movements, and I pierced her heart. I looked into her eyes, and she smiled before she said my name. I killed her, I did everything in my power to keep her alive and she died by my hand. I’ve never felt so low.” He stares at his hands, like I do.
“I’m telling you this because I know what its like. I know what it is like to wake up in the middle of the night and see the blood running down my fingers. I thought the holes in my heart were never going to filled again, but I had my sensei, and I met comrades I could trust. Then I became a sensei myself, Naruto, Sakura, even Sasuke filled in gaps. You need to let people fill the holes too.”
“But how can you be so certain that something like that won’t happen again. I don’t want to feel like this anymore,” I exclaim. How can he just put that behind him, like it never happened. I want to know what he did to forget.
“Its not certain that it’ll never happen again, but I’m a different person now. I know you’ve changed too. If you haven’t you would be long gone by now.” Kakashi takes the pictures back to his room and doesn’t return. I’m left with confusion, I don’t know if I should trust his words. My head told me no, but my heart said yes. I was at war with myself. My mind reminded me of all of the things I’ve done, it told me I should not care for others, that all it will bring me is misery, but my heart said otherwise. It was telling me to have some faith, to trust again, and to believe in myself. It told me I was capable of protecting, I was worth being protected. It yelled I am wanted here.
For the first time in days I get up from the floor, I grab hold of the wall, my legs strained to keep me up. Gravity felt heavier up here. I slid my hand along the wall, the blood didn’t smear, it was no longer there. I smelled the faintest odor of copper lingering in the still air. I stand there, the wall supporting me, for a couple of minutes, letting my body adjust to moving again. What would Suzu think of me? What would she do if she was in my position?
“She would probably follow her heart.” My mind spoke to me, weren’t you just telling me to listen to my brain, not my heart? I am the most contradicting person I’ve ever met. Would you Suzu, would you move forward and help me get to my goal? Get me to become a jounin. I wouldn’t know, you’re not here anymore, you couldn’t possibly answer that question. I slowly walk to the door, sliding it open, the hallway was lit dimly, I expected something to change while I was cooped up, but everything looked exactly the same. Well almost, the food tray was right in front of me, I feel my stomach roar in joy. Its been some time since I’ve felt this hungry. My dry hands reach for the sandwich, and water. The rice was dry, Kakashi must have cooked it. I licked it clean in minutes, and I felt noticeably stronger. No one was home, and I make my way to the bathroom.
There was a mirror in there, as much as I would like to avoid it, I had to clean myself up, I don’t know how anyone was able to withstand being in the same room as me. I kept my back to the mirror as I undressed, the cold air nipping at my exposed skin. The hot water didn’t produce enough steam to shield me from my own face. I stared at my face, my skin was pale, and lacked color, my green eyes were somber, they were like mother’s. I close my eyes, no, I wasn’t going back there. I’ll promise myself, I’ll keep moving forward. I’ll keep moving forward. I’ll do it for Naruto, for Sakura, for Lady Tsunade, for Kakashi, and for myself. Kakashi was able to pull himself out of it, I’ll do the same.
I slip into the bathtub, the hot water burning away all the dust I’ve collected. My hair sticks to my neck. I get out of the bathtub when I notice my fingers getting pruny. My forehead protector was nicely folded on the dresser. Has it always been there? I gulp, can I do it? Start over, and make a life I’ll be proud of. I take it in my hand, the cloth the is smooth in my clammy palms. If i tie it around my head now, there is no turning back. I won’t let anyone stand in my way, its a promise to myself. An oath to not let myself give up on me. I’ll do it, with the help of others. I’ll put faith in my heart and trust again, for the last time, I’ll gamble on it, I just hope I didn’t make a mistake in moving forward.
I tie the forehead protector where it belongs, it feels so right on my forehead. Its a new beginning to beginnings.
[Reviews - 130]Chapter or Story
Table of Contents
- Text Size +
Chapter notes: sorry for the wait. I don't know how to feel about this chapter, tell me if it sucks.
Chapter end notes: i like to read feedback
thinks it was a bad chapter? leave a comment
improvements? leave a comment
opinions/ comments
parts of the chapter you've liked
predictions?