Screw Your Lid Let Me Tell It! by vampirella
-Hello there! The name’s Sakura. Just your typical girl looking for some-
-What do you think your doing? What about me?
-What about you, Sasuke? Okay! Uh, lets see, you’re annoying for starters…
-You’re so full of yourself. This is a story about BOTH of us. Not just about you.
-Says who? Besides, I look better in a two piece better than you ever will. That’s reason enough that this story to be mine.
-No, it isn’t. -sigh- Can we just get started on this already?
-Alright alight… -pause- Hey, is that a boner in your pants?

Categories: Het Romance > Top Six Pairs > Sasuke and Sakura Characters: All
Genres: Action/Adventure, Humor, Romance
Warnings: Sexual Themes
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 10 Completed: No Word count: 12044 Read: 8778 Published: 24/07/08 Updated: 14/02/09

1. Rose Petals by vampirella

2. Sleepy Time by vampirella

3. Up, Down, All Around by vampirella

4. Stupid Boys by vampirella

5. A Leaky Problem by vampirella

6. Tag, You're Dead by vampirella

7. Dummies For Dummies by vampirella

8. Selfish Rat by vampirella

9. Got-2-Go! by vampirella

10. The Hush Shush by vampirella

Rose Petals by vampirella
Author's Notes:
this is different than what im used to but i cant resist a challenge so walla

I don't know why I bother coming early every morning when Kakashi's the one who's never on time. And the weather wasn't a walk in the park either. Who said spring was all sunshine and short-shorts? Whoever it was, take another look Einstein! The sky was cloudy, the wind, chilly. Not to mention it was raining for three days straight and the newsman's readings this morning wasn't all that hard to guess. Rain, rain, and more RAIN. The guy was practically a salesperson in disguise trying to sell it to you. Calm down, guy, we get the picture. Anyone in their right mind would turn back, go home, and enjoy a nice hot cup of chocolate while sitting in front of a warm fire… At least it wasn't raining… Yet. But it would come. I could practically smell the smell of wet earth. Mmmm, like mom's home cooking.

As I walked over to my team's meeting place at the bridge, a slight draft drifted through my scarf. It made me shiver and I tightened it around myself even tighter. It was no longer a scarf. It was a noose.

Spring? Spring my ass. It felt like winter.

I stuck my fingerless gloved hands in my pockets as far as the wooly sweater would let me. Yeah, that's right. It wasn't so cold that you needed a heavy jacket. Just a light sweater, a scarf, maybe a hat and WABANG! You'll live. Still, it sucked!

As I neared my destination, I saw something unusual out in the distance. At first glance I thought it was a person who was laying down on the ground… Oh wait, it is a person. Huh…weird. What kind of insane person sleeps out in shitty weather like this at nearly six in the morning… Shit. It was Sakura.

Silly girl. Was she homeless now? No, I doubt it. Sakura had a great carrier going for her. Ninja -- jounin, actually-- top medic specialist aside from Tsunade and, my favorite: model. Yes, Sakura was a model. No, not Playboy. Fuck right? She was actually very good at it. I hear it's hard these days for anyone to become a model. Not skinny enough, not pretty enough. Some can't even stay awake long enough to make it down the Catwalk once because they don't have nothing in their stomachs. Or maybe the hairspray fumes got to them first?

I looked down at the girl at my feet. Yep, asleep. I knew she was balancing practically the whole world on her shoulders, that explained why she was asleep. What it didn't explain was why was she sleeping out here in the cold. Didn't she know some random guy could just pass by and have his way with her? Wasn't she worried about things like that? And to make matters worse, she had her iPod on full blast, no way to hear if danger was brewing just around the corner. God, this girl was just asking for it.

I kneeled down to wake her up. At least it wasn't wet here. "Sakura…"



Not even a twitch of the eye. Was this girl even alive? Yes, she was. Her chest was heaving up and down in normal rhythm. So why wasn't she responding?

Duh Captain Obvious! her iPod was on at full blast!

I silently thanked the Gods that no one was here.

Pulling both ear-pods from her ears allowed me to get a listen in on what she was listening to: "Crushcrushcrush" by Paramore. Not bad. Girl had great taste.

"Sakura, wake up." I said once again. I took both her shoulders and shook her a bit.

OHO! At last! Life. It wasn't much. Her eyebrows came together and she frowned a bit. Then she continued on sleeping.

Well…that was productive. But at least I knew she wasn't dead. Which kind of surprised me that she wasn't. Oh, come off it you jerk! I didn't mean it like that. I just meant that in the short denim shorts she was wearing and long socks that barely reached her knees, she was lucky she didn't freeze into a block of ice. All that was exposed was thigh, face, thigh, thigh, thigh, and more thigh. Like Christmas in the Bronx.

Her face was pale. No surprise. But surprisingly beautiful. She looked more angelic. As if she were wearing that powder stuff modeling girls wore. I couldn't resist. I plucked one of my hands out from my pocket and quickly swept it along her cheek. Nope. Not the powder stuff. She was just naturally beautiful I guess. Well, okay, she was. I wasn't denying it. But I would never admit it out loud.

This was probably my only chance to do what I've always wanted to do. I looked around to make sure no one was looking. Good, the coast was clear, Bonnie, here comes Clyde.

The skin was soft like rose petals. She must put lotion or something… Huh? What? No not her thigh you pervert! Her face! Her face! God, some people…

I brushed some of her hair out of her face. Just like her skin, it was also soft, only it carried a smell to it. Strawberry or peach or mango. I wasn't sure. The color was pink. Not PINK or PinK or Pinck. Just pink. Simple yet elegant, mixed with beauty and flawlessness and… Since when did I get poetic?

"Hey, Sakura! Good morning!"

Great. Just what I needed. A cup of moron with the side of stupidity and loudness in the morning. I quickly stood back and straightened myself up. Who me? Stroking her?

I heard her soft whimpers as she stirred. Opening one eye, she glanced around at her surroundings with a confused look. What? Why am I not in some random rapist's house listening to Paramore?

Eventually, her green glassy eyes landed up at me. I did a very good job at starring straight ahead in front of me and not at her.

"Sasuke?" Her voice was raspy, coated with sleep still. "How long have you been standing there?"


-Argh! You…you…

-Sound it out.



-This chapter was all about you! I didn't even say anything except for that one line at the very end.

-Hey, it's better than nothing. -shrugs- Besides, next chapter starts out with you so quit bitchin' already… You're giving me cancer.

-AHHH!! And under no circumstances are you ever to touch me ever again unless I say so… Or unless I'm conscious.

-That may take eons.

-Up yours!

-Hey this is your author, Ileana. See what I have to put up with? -sigh- Hope you liked it so far.
Sleepy Time by vampirella
Author's Notes:
hahaha im having so much writing this lol

Once upon a time, in a far away land, there lived a beautiful princess named Sakura. She was all the rage. She had it all! Fame, glamour, complete adoration from every guy, even a humongous castle. Yes, she had everything she wanted, from top of the line Louie Vuitton handbags and shoes, to admirers from far away exotic countries. They just couldn't keep their hands off her. She even had her personal unicorn and homegrown money tree. She loved her unicorn. With its big beautiful purple eyes, its white as snow body, and its ability to talk…"Hey, Sakura! Good morning!" And do you want to know if she lived happily ever after?

Well so do I! someone woke me up and it wasn't Pegasus.

I opened my eyes just a bit to see something unpleasant sprinting my way. Oh great, here comes my idiotic steed Naruto right now.

There was a reason to why I turned up my iPod so damn high that I was practically melting my brain and bleeding from the ears. So that if and when the guys showed up it would be a clear sign --even if they were men-- to LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. But now I was woken up by Naruto's stupid greeting because my iPod was no longer playing.


I twisted my head up to see none other than Mr. Stoic starring at… I had no clue. He was always doing that. And I knew that he couldn't be thinking because…well, what would he be thinking about? 'How can I be more of a statue?' Hmmm, On second thought…

"Sakura! Hey!"

I cringed once more. At first thought, Naruto could be a great opera singer. Sure! Loud, obnoxious, stupid… but then the downside would be listening to him all day, and two minutes was enough for me.

"Sasuke?" Ew, my voice was dry and just that put me in a bad mood. "How long have you been standing there?" And it didn't help improve my mood when he totally blew me off. I knew he wouldn't answer, but still, RUDE MUCH?

"Hey, Sakura! Lovely morning we're having today, eh? Well, not as lovely as you of course!" He grinned and that just set me over the edge. I had to put a stop to this.

Doing a few hand signs, I managed to use the jutsu Tsunade had showed me and that prevented Naruto from talking any further. I smiled at him as his mouth opened and closed, then opened again to hear nothing coming out. Ah, musica to my ears.

"Nice trick."

SO HE DOES TALK! And here I thought he was just standing there for decoration and making the place look more…dead.

Nonetheless, I said, "Thanks," I cleared my throat and tried to rid the sleepies from my eyes without ruining my makeup. "Tsunade taught it to me and said I'd need it. Now I think I know what she meant." Even though it would hurt me more than it would Naruto to undo the jutsu, I knew I had to do it. But first I made a deal with him: "If you promise to talk in a normal tone of voice like normal people in the mornings, I'll undo the jutsu, 'kay?"

He nodded.

"So were you sleeping?"

And for once I looked up at him as if he had just appeared out of thin air. He…actually did as I say! Wow, maybe being married had changed him some…

But Naruto's new tricks didn't change anything about my mood.

Were people blind or were there just so many things a person can be doing with their eyes closed besides being asleep? So annoying! "No, Naruto, I was resting my eyes. There's a difference." I started closing them and I swear I could almost see Pegasus's smiling face, his giant green wings flapping around happy to see me.

"Hey, Sakura?"

Damn, I was so close to getting lost in my world. I opened my eyes and glared at him before responding. "What."

"Are you sick?" Without my response, he reached over to the back of my neck to untie my headband when I suddenly pulled back. "Let me check."

"What for? I'm not sick."

"Just take off your headband will ya?"

Geez, bossy much? Reluctantly, I did remove the metal and brushed off my bangs blocking my forehead. He used the back of his hand.

"Well, what's the diagnosis doctor? Will I live to see my next birthday?" He didn't answer and I scoffed. "I don't see why you're doing this. It's totally unnecessary because I'm feeling-"


"That's right. I'm feeling terr- what?"

"You have a fever."

I must not have heard him right. I couldn't be sick! "What?"

"You know, when your head gets too hot and you look and feel awful. Honestly, Sakura, I thought as a medic ninja you'd know that-"

"I know what that means!" Ok, had to stop the yelling. It wasn't doing me any good. I lifted my hand to cough.

"If you stay out here any longer you'll catch a cold. Let me take you back home."


"But Sakura,"

"NO." I said sternly. See, no yelling. "I don't have a fever. I don't have a cold. I'm not sick. I'm fine."


"Leave her," I looked up at Sasuke. "If she's refusing help from others than it's her loss."

"Oh, look who's talking." I said and he finally looked at me. The first eye contact of the morning and it was a death glare. I just happen to make friends so early in the morning huh?


"So Kakashi's still not here?" I asked 'cause now that I was awake, they were gonna deal with me talking.

Lucky for me, Naruto was also a chatterbox. Great. "By the look of it, no. So how long have you been here?"

"I left the hospital at three in the morning and then I came here because if I went home after my shift and slept, I knew I'd be late, or worse, I wouldn't wake up. It's now," I looked down at my watch. "Almost six so…yeah. You do the math."

Naruto's eyes nearly popped out. "Sakura! You've been here sleeping for three hours? But it was freezing this morning!"

"Why do you think I'm bundled up like a muffin?" I shrugged. "Besides, I've had a busy two days and I haven't slept much so I wasn't really complaining on how cold it was."

"How busy have you been?" Naruto asked attentively, I bet he was sorry he woke me up. Good.

"Well let's see," I sat up straighter with the rails supporting my back. My legs were out straight in front of me and wearing short-shorts in this weather was probably not the most smart. "I woke up to work at the hospital at four in the morning yesterday and I left at four in the afternoon to go to a photo shoot with my director. Then I left the studio at seven to go back to the hospital because Tsunade and Shizune needed help with these ninjas that had gotten back from an A-rank mission and I left at three in the morning today and now I'm here." I dug my hands deeper into my gray jacket and waited for them to defrost.

"Sakura, you should go home and rest. You haven't slept well in nearly 24 hours. Go eat something warm and just relax."

Hey, that did sound nice. Like a mini vacation.

"Besides," Naruto continued. "I'm sure the mission is something us guys can handle with no problem." He grinned.

From my peripheral vision I could see Sasuke shaking his head lightly, as if he, too, knew that that was the wrong answer. Good for him.

"You know what, Naruto, that does sound nice." His grin grew, like the family cat just done eating the family canary. "But after that last comment of yours I'm going to stay."


"Besides, I can't just leave to go home because I haven't slept in 24 hours. What kind of a shinobi would I be? No, a great ninja must be able to balance work, friends, family and missions."

"But you're already a great ninja."

I knew he meant it too. "Thanks but I'm still not leaving." Seconds later I didn't even know it, but I had closed my eyes and I was asleep once more. Funny how everything looks so…retro and far-out when you sleep. Like this is how life and the real world should look like. A pixilated videogame complete with cheats, extra life points and magic spells to help you out if a jam. Maybe a bright yellow orb to help guide you.

But then, I saw the bright red words flash behind my lids. GAME OVER.

Kakashi was at last here and Naruto was giving him the what for. I love how he was so caring about my lack of sleep.

"About time! What's always taking you?"

I opened my eyes. Hello Kakashi. Guess who's mad you showed up. Besides my head feeling like a thousand pound weight, I also felt something warm and firm against my cheek. Turning my head sideways my cheek brushed against denim. Jeans. Following the fabric up and I noticed I was leaning on Sasuke's pant leg. Oh boy.

I pushed away from him before I got too comfortable. I've been known to drool at times.

"Sakura, were you sleeping?" Kakashi asked me as he ignored Naruto.

He just had to say it, didn't he? He couldn't just…sigh.

This time I couldn't stop myself. I said, "Are you stupid?"

Kakashi probably didn't even hear me or chose to ignore me too. "Alrighty then. Today the three of you will be doing something to help you physically and help you in most of your missions." The three of us waited. "You'll be put through a little water exercise."

"So in other words," I slowly got to my feet with some help from Sasuke.

"We're going swimming." Sasuke finished saying for me.

Kakashi smiled --or at least I think he did. Damn mask. "Get your swim suits on and I'll meet you by the water in five minutes."


-There, now do you feel all high and mighty? Your chapter is longer than mine.

-Of course I do, Uchiha. -smile-

--Sigh- You are so annoying.

-Hey, you're worse than annoying in my book but you don't hear me complaining.

-So what do you call this now?


-The feelings' mutual. Maybe instead of having Naruto wake you up next time, I'll call in Pegasus.

-…Shuttup -mutters-

Up, Down, All Around by vampirella
Author's Notes:
i had such a laugh as i wrote this lol and im not really sure if guys do that. so if any guy is willing, id really like to talk :>
maybe stroking makes things worse...?? ^^ la8er

I wish for once Sakura would just stop for a second and look around her. Maybe then she would see that the world doesn't revolve around her. That the world doesn't care. That it's selfish. Kind of like her.

She says she's tired and hasn't gone without sleep for almost a day. A day? Please. Come back and talk to me when you've gone without it a week straight!

But I'm not all mean. she does kinda look bad. And as a model, she has to stay on top of her game. I pity her.

Huh? Bundled up like a muffin? Personally, I don't get the metaphor, but I don't say anything.

GOD! Just listening to her talk makes my ears bleed. Why doesn't she just let that stupid idiot take her home? She's sick, she will only get in the way. I guess she's just trying to prove how strong and independent she is. I can't argue there. She lives by herself, has two major jobs, not to mention has to train to hone her ninja rank, doesn't take crap from anyone, and almost always has time for us… Okay, she's got it tougher than most people. Whatever. She's still annoying.

Talk talk talk.

That's all she manages to do in the last few minutes. About what, I have no idea. I zone out. Thinking to myself. What to do after this. What to eat. Where should I go. What should I do. Who shall I grace my presence on… Wait! That came out wrong! I'm not stuck-up like little Miss ME ME ME here. I have way more class than acting judgmental and snooty all the time. Really I-

What is that? It feels…warm.

I look down to see the diva fallen asleep, her cheek against my pant leg.

Damn, I should just move away. Pretend that the warm heat radiating from her doesn't feel good, even through the denim, and move. Just, 'Oops, sorry, I didn't know you were asleep.' Only without the 'sorry.'

Okay, I can do this. Just pick leg up and…No, I can't do it. It's just so…good. It feels…nice and…warm. She feels good, nice and warm. Just like I thought she would. Maybe I can let her lean on me. Just this once.

So instead of pushing her away, I actually press myself against her face, and she snuggles in closer. I just hope she doesn't drool on me. She's been known to.

The seconds convert to minutes and eventually Kakashi shows up. I'm sadden because know this blaze of white noise has erupted from Naruto's mouth and it seems to be going on forever. I'm also sadden because Sakura is stirring and I know soon her warmth will be lost. But I except it with a face that shows nothing. Better than a models blank expression: a ninja's ultra blank expression.

She blinks a couple of times to adjust her eyesight and then crooks her head up at me. From the corner of my eye I can see she frowns slightly and pushes away from me. She's pretending like nothing happened. Well then so do I.

What an idiot. Kakashi has just asked Sakura if she was asleep. Uh, no, Kakashi. She was trying to see if she could see through her eyelids. Luckily, Sakura voices out my opinion by answering Kakashi with an opinion of her own: "Are you stupid?" And although I wouldn't have said that myself, I was glad it was said because it needed to be heard.

And either Kakashi was getting old and couldn't hear well or just ignored the reply to an outdated question, he went on and said, "Alrighty then. Today the three of you will be doing something to help you physically and help you in most of your missions." He paused. "You'll be put through a little water exercise."

And the first thing that popped into my mind --I kid you not!-- was Yes! Sakura in a bikini!
"So in other words," I give her my hand and uses it to stand.

"We're going swimming." I finish her sentence.

"Get your swim suits on and I'll meet you by the water in five minutes." He smiled and turned to leave.

Five minutes later, we were all decked out in our swimsuits and waiting on Kakashi's next orders, who was strangely missing at the moment. I wore my white nylon shorts that reached my knees. No shirt, I don't need it. The blonds' wearing orange shorts with two blue lines running up the sides of them. He had on a black tank top on but he got rid of it once he saw me without one. Sakura had her back to us but she had a white two-piece suit on that showed off more skin than a drunker hooker doing laps around the pole on a Saturday night down at Hooters. And that's saying something!

"I can't believe Kakashi's actually making us do this." Naruto sat down on the green lushes grass and muttered. "I mean, it's freakin' cold!"

I was about to tell him to shut up when Sakura said, "If you cant handle it then just go." She turned to us then with her arms crossed over her chest, mouth in a pout and her eyebrows delicately creased at the center, and I got the whole scoop. She certainly was showing a lot of skin. Although, as a model, I'm sure she was used to wearing even less clothes and showing more skin so this was probably regular eveningwear for her.

Naruto seemed to agree because he kept right on starring at her.

Her frown got deeper. "Keep it up Naruto and I'll tell Hinata on you."

He finally raised his baby blues up to her jade ones. "Go ahead. She already knows I'm a lech."

At this Sakura laughed and I swear her laughter had an effect on me somewhere down south. "How did you convince her to date you let alone marry her?"

I too had been wondering myself what had completely possessed the Hyuuga heir to say yes to this idiots proposal. But I would never voice it out. Thank God Sakura had balls.

"I got her drunk." Naruto said nonchalantly.

"I'll ask next time I'm over for dinner." Her hands moved to her hips.

"She'll give you this cock-and-bull story about something romantic and stupid. don't believe her."

Sakura pulled the elastic band from her wrist and lifted her hands to tie her hair. Naruto, at this point was lying on his back, basking in invisible sun, while I had nothing to do but watch her. Her eyes were closed and I was grateful. Although, I didn't care if she noticed me noticing her. I could just look away when I felt like it.

There is something about when a girl always tied her hair in a way that just fascinated me always. Their arms seemed to be longer, stronger, yet feminine at the same time. Their fingers did these insane twists and turns and knots that had me thinking what else they used those insane tricks for. Certainly not baking pies.

But this time, it wasn't the crazy tying skills that had me fixated. It was Sakura's breasts. Her arms were tying, loop after loop which left her breast fully exposed and starring at me in my direction.

I had this fantasy of one of the strings at the back of her neck coming undone and exposing even more skin. Her breasts would be plump and right for the taking. Just like her.

Damn! I can't believe that made me hard just thinking about it.

I had always wondered why swim trunks had pockets. I mean it wasn't like you were gonna stick your money, cell phone, MP3 player and other shit in your pockets when you were gonna go for a dip. But this time, I was actually glad for the pockets. Sticking my hands in them, I began to stroke my hard member to release some of the tension on my cock. I actually couldn't wait until I got in the water. The cool icy liquid would do wonders to my growing erection.

Okay, so maybe stroking wasn't the best thing right now…

"Alright, everyone in the water." Kakashi had finally appeared from wherever he had gone off to and announced. There was something not right about his attire though…

"Wait, how come you're not dressed down?" Naruto walked over to Kakashi and glared up at him, his lower jaw jutting out.

"What are you crazy, Naruto? It's chilly out here, and with this weather, I'm surprised the river hasn't frozen over yet."


"Enough questioning your sensei," Kakashi pushed Naruto over the edge and he went tumbling into the water head first, creating a huge slash. "Now start doing laps until I say stop."


-Kakashi is such a dick…

-Yea, no joke. Speaking of which…I can't believe you stroke yourself in public where anyone could see you.

-It's not like I had a choice…

-Yes you did.

-Like what?

-You could have stopped starring at my breasts for starters.


-Do I really make you that horny?

-No. You're not even that attractive.

-So then why were you saying I was in the first chapter?


--smirk- Like a frat guy caught in the middle of having sex with another girl just as his girlfriend walked in on them. You're busted pal!

-Humph -pout-
Stupid Boys by vampirella
Author's Notes:
honestly, i never thought id make it to the 4th chapter. im such a lazy fart >< enjoy

You know how guys are guys and they do things and say things that are, well, just plain stupid? And then there are times when they do things and say things that are just as stupid but as a woman you actually understand why they did it and instead of feeling anger you feel pity towards them?

Well, neither do I!

Guys are stupid. It's as easy as the sky being blue or the moon being a giant rock or the earth rotating on an axis.

It's no news to me. Trust me, I've learned my lesson right around my fifth boyfriend. Ryan was his name. Or was it Ron? R something… Any who, R-man was sweet, compassionate, and really knew how to excite a girl and show her a good time. We were in the bed just fooling around when it hit me: Hello! Guy! And just like that, I haven't had a serious relationship ever since. Sure I fool around, but who doesn't. I know what you're thinking: But, Sakura, you said he was sweet and compassionate. Yes, but I also said that the sky was blue and the moon was a rock. The truth is, the sky is just a hologram and the moon is actually made of cheese. See? Even scientists cover the truth with lies.

Why am I telling you all this? Because I want to protect all girls from men. Why? Well, I'm not sure yet myself. Maybe I just wanted to be remembered by something else rather than my looks and talent.

But right now that's not the case. I got both Blondie and Uchiha and even Kakashi starring at me like I'm performing for them at some red carpet swimsuit competition hosted by Tracy Morgan and special guest Lil john.

I'm telling you, go lesbian! It saves you the trouble. And I'm not just saying that so I can have all the pretty men all for myself. Really…I'm not.

Then… Into the water we go!

After endless rounds of going back and forth, forth and back, looking like idiots, freezing our asses off in cold water with nothing to protect us except a few scraps of light fabric, I was about ready to freeze over and wait for the next Ice Age when Kakashi said those words I thought I'd never hear. "Take five everyone."

I crawled out of the water and onto the river's edge like some creature of the black lagoon in a sexy white two-piece and immediately gasped for air. My heart felt like it would detach itself from within my ribcage if I didn't get it under control. My arms felt like heavy noodles. My legs felt worse. And I didn't even want to think of how I was going to be feeling it tomorrow when my photographer puts me in another one of her ridiculous, supposedly "sexy" and "eye-catching" positions.

At least my makeup was waterproof.

Kakashi walked over to us who were currently relearning how to breath. "Okay, you three have earned five minutes of rest." Grabbing his perverted book from his back pocket to read, he walked off.

I was going to tell him to put a sock on it and that we were going to get back to training --if you could even call it that. Pool party perhaps?-- when we were good and ready and well rested. But I caught myself. I didn't need to go around picking fights with everyone. And Sasuke and Naruto were big boys, and they had a voice too. They could have just as simply told Kakashi to kiss their arses, but didn't. So I assumed that they would be fine with just 10 minutes of rest. And if that was the case then I didn't need to tell Kakashi to extend our time because I didn't want to look like the weak one.

And plus it hurt to breath let alone talk.

So, here we were, Team 7, the Idiot, the Statue, and the Beauty, (AKA moi) sprawled on the grass trying to soak up as much warmth the sun would allow us. Which wasn't much. The sky was turning cloudy and I knew it would rain tonight.

Naruto was on the left of me, on his back, arms up and over his head acting as a pillow as he crossed his legs at the ankles. Closing his eyes, he seemed to be resting.

Sasuke was on the other side of me, leaving me in the middle. He was just sitting there with one leg raised up and his right arm dangling over it. To a person who hasn't known Sasuke like I have, they might have thought he looked like he was gazing at the water or the sky, just thinking.

But I knew better. He was studying Naruto and I. Every time we made a move, he could sense it. Even without Sharingan. It wasn't creepy. After all, what kind of ninja would one be if you couldn't even follow the movements of just Naruto! Not a very good one, that's what.

Even though I knew he was watching, that didn't stop me from turning onto my stomach and showing him my backside. I used my arms as a pillow and rested my chin on them. I was tired and I was going to sleep those five minutes away. So who cares if Sasuke watched, who cares. More than half of Konoha has already seen me with less clothes on than this. One more couldn't hurt. Even if it was Sasuke Uchiha.

So have a good time looking at me, you prev Uchiha. Because I…am…out…


-So you really don't care if I just stare?

-No, I care. But I'm a model. So I'm used to all the staring.


-Sasuke! You perv! I didn't mean right this second.

-Touchy. You know, you'll never find a guy with that attitude.

-Same goes for you.


-Have you ever even been with a girl?

-I didn't know you were a prostitute and a model, Sakura.

-Aw, you're mad.

-No. I'm. not.

A Leaky Problem by vampirella
Author's Notes:
this actually works, iv tried it with my bro just for this chapter :3

How come all of the worlds beauties can't either be touch or seen? Like, the sun for example. Or Sakura's bigass, uh, ass.

You can stare, but then you'd be dubbed a pervert. Which I'm not. I don't even like her. Yes thinking she was pretty was one thing. But to say you like her? That was a whole different bowl of noodles. That was like saying you like getting shot, or like being pushed in front of a moving train, or like having sex when you feel like it. See, nobody says that.

Liking Sakura is impossible. Why? Because this cherry blossom is impossible of loving so there really is no use in trying to like her because it will never go anywhere after she's had her claws up your…well you get the picture.

She's incapable of loving. Period.

Hmmm…oh…that's the same thing people say about me, huh? Funny. But what do they know? They don't know Yankee Doodle! They think they do but that's clearly not the same as actually knowing.

I can be a very lovable person towards people. Just that, you know, everyone pisses me off.

But what's pissing me off now is that I had the perfect view of Sakura's backside and I couldn't touch.

Nice cute little firm ass, long strong slender legs, curvy hips and thighs, and an even curvier back. It was like being introduced to the forbidden fruit and not being able to eat let alone touch.

Too bad my cell phone was all the way home. I'd probably never get a second chance to see Sakura's ass displayed to me like this. Not by accident at least. But I had kept my cell phone home due to the hundreds and hundreds of voicemails and text messages I got everyday. Somehow, still to my amazement, those crazy ass bitches had gotten their hands on my number and now they were leaving me piles upon piles of "Oh, Sasuke, I love you!" and "Sasuke-kun, when you get this message, give me a ding!" and "Can I have your child?!" Oh, they would get something alight. Whether it be a punch to the face of a kick to the gut or a simple restraining order there would be enough to go around until the calls stopped. See, I'm a lovable person and giving, too. Bonus!

I turn my attention back to Sakura's cute figure. And it was just then that I realized how desperately I wanted to run my hands up and down her back, her ass, her thighs, her legs…basically, EVERYWHERE.

Luckily --or was that unlucky for me?-- Kakashi reappeared suddenly. "Okay, back in the water." Sakura stirred and opened one eye halfway. She turned to me and I quickly shifted my gaze from her bubbly ass to the water.

"Didn't sleep?" She asked. And from my peripheral vision I could see she propped herself on her elbows. Like some Baywatch super model. Gulp.

Without turning to see her, I shook my head and said, "Couldn't." After all, wasn't I playing the role of someone not liking her instead of someone who had just spent five minutes staring at her body?

"Why's that?" Instead of answering verbally, I pointed over to our third who was snoring loudly. Her head followed my finger and she chuckled a bit. "I see. Well, if you were as tired as me you'd sleep through anything. This," she jutted a thumb over at Naruto's direction. "This is nothing."

I couldn't help but smirk. And right as I turned to look at her, she hoisted herself up with her arms and sat with her legs bent on either side of her. I about almost forgot how to breath for a second. And when she adjusted her top and the straps at the back of her neck and yawned and stretched, I about swallowed my tongue.

Looking over at Naruto who was still asleep, she shook him as said, "Blondie, get up. We need to work." Naruto just jerked a bit and went on snoring. One of his arms came out and swiped out at Sakura then fell on the ground next to him.

"Unbelievable," she continued. "I'd never thought I'd see the day when Naruto was too tired for a mission."

I was going to say something, when I felt something warm across my lap. Sakura was reaching over me.

"Wh-what are you doing?" I said trying to wiggle away.

"Chill dude, I'm just getting my bag."

At this point, I was hoping she hadn't felt my massive hard-on I had gotten from just watching her sleep from under her. No, that was one problem I couldn't pin the blame on Naruto. But given the way her expression showed nothing and she said nothing, I was probably in the safe-zone. Nevertheless, when she got off me, I pulled my knees up a little higher to my chest. A sissy move, but it was this or risk getting caught with Captain High & Mighty down here.

I watched as Sakura inched closer to Naruto with her thermal flask and unscrewed the top. This time, I had to ask. "What are you doing?"

She simple said, "Waiting for a science experiment to go bad." Carefully adding water to the cup, it was nearly full and almost spilled over when she inserted Naruto's fingers in. It didn't take long until Naruto relieved himself all over his shorts.

Kakashi had just walked over to us to see Naruto's midsection wet, Sakura rolling on the ground clutching her side in pain from all her laughing, and me trying really hard not to lose my composure over any of it.

He sighed. "I take it that since you're the only one enjoying this a little too much, this is your doing, Sakura?" She laughed even louder. "I thought so." He sighed once more and turned to Naruto. "Okay, Naruto, time to wake up." He tapped the blonds' head with his foot and it took a few more of those before he fully woke up. Looking down at his crotch after rubbing the sleep from his eyes, Naruto found a not-so-nice surprise waiting for him. He quickly covered up.

"Not morning woody. Perhaps a wet dream?" Sakura bobbed her eyebrows and Naruto looked at her with wide eyes and a gapping mouth. Almost like a dying fish.

"You are so…DEAD!"

And the chase was on!


-Do you have an ass fetish?

-Where is this coming from, Sakura?

-You mean, besides from you always describing my ass in detail?

-All guys do that.

-I thought you were gay,

-So what else is new?

-Chillax dude, I have a surprise for you!

-A teleporter to get away from you?

-No silly! This!

-What is this?

-A me standee.

-Uh, why?

-Since you talk so nicely about me in your chapters, I figure you must like me a lot. So I had this made for you.


-This way, you'll always have me by your side. -smile-

-Uh, one problem, Sweetcakes.

-What's that?

-I don't like you. And if you were just going to hand yourself over to me like this, don't you think you should give me the real you? Or maybe a blowup doll better looking than you?

--sigh- You are such a pig.

-Uh, hello, GUY.

--sigh- Naruto would have liked it.

-You have no idea what Naruto would have done with it.

Tag, You're Dead by vampirella
Author's Notes:
will sakura be able to get away? find out ^^
Here's a question: What does one do when they see a crazed blond guy with the front of his shorts completely covered in urine, water, and possibly cum chasing her in a gorilla ape-like stance?


Run like hell?

And boy did I run.

I scrambled up to my feet as Naruto chased me. His face was fuming and I knew that if I didn't do something fast, I was gonna really get it. Although, even though I knew Naruto was a perverted moron, I knew he wasn't violent, and would never dare hurt or lay a finger on me.

Because then he'd have to answer to Hinata. Haha.

We circled a tree, ran out into the grassy field, came back and circled the same tree.

Nothing. I wasn't losing this guy!

I stopped at the tree on one side, Naruto was on the other side of it, his eyes were slits of pure blue anger directed all at me. Goody.

I faked to the left, than ran to the right in a move any football player would be proud of. Only, neither of us were football players, we didn't have a ball, neither knew the rules, and I was pretty sure we were suppose to be wearing some sort of bulky protection suits. Not pee stained shorts and a flimsy two-piece.

Naruto was smarter than a football player, I guess, because he saw through my plan and just blocked my path.

Wherever I moved made no difference. He blocked me all the same.

"Look, we're dancing." I said with my million dollar smile, as my photographer would say.
Naruto, on the other hand, was not. "Look, dude, I didn't even know that would happen." Okay, now I was playing the sympathy card that sounded believable, even to me. Maybe Bunny, my obnoxious photographer from the planet Schizophrenia, held some truth when she said I would kick-butt on the big screen.

Wow, just think about it. Ninja, medic, model, woman, and an actress? Only one way to find out…

Naruto frowned deeper. "I'd believe you if you hadn't pulled the same trick on Chouji last week on our mission."

Okay so maybe actress was out. If you couldn't fool Naruto, you weren't good enough… Of course, maybe it wasn't my acting abilities but more like my lying skills needed work. I took a second to remember that day…

It was a warm spring night and no one had decided to sleep in their camping tents. Asuma's team had joined us for that mission as backup. It wasn't my fault Chouji was sprawled in front of me just begging to be pranked on. Then again, maybe it had been.

In the seconds it took me to reminisce of that funny day, Naruto sought his chance and leaped for me. Acting quick on my feet, I was able to evade his clumsy jump and move just in time to see the hopeless blond perform a beautiful face-plant in the dirt.

"Mmmm delicious." I laughed so hard tears ran down my eyes.

Naruto glared and got up to his feet and proceeded to chase me.

Okay, now I was tired of this. "Hello! A lil help here? Kakashi?" I yelled as I looked over to him with pleading eyes.

But all he did was look up from his book at me for a brief second before going back and turning a page. "Sorry, you got yourself in this mess, you get yourself out."

Arrogant prick, I thought as I shot him a glare and continued to elude my crazy teammate around another tree and hill. "Sasuke?" A split second of eye-to-eye contact. Nothing special. I had bigger things to worry about.

I turned to look back. Yep, Naruto was still on my tail. Two or so feet behind me. And when I turned back to look where I was going, I couldn't help but smile. This was the first time in a long time that I'd had had any fun. With work that Tsunade had been piling on me every week, I was booked fucking solid. But then again, it was me who had demanded more. To get better at honing my medical skills. And although I had succeeded everyone and was on the top of my class, I wanted more.

And somewhere between my crazed chase and the 'me wanting more' moment, I felt the ground from under my feet fall away. Shit.

It was too late to evade my fate. The only thing there was to do was to brace for it.

Luckily, the soft green grass cut me some slack.

Turning onto my back, supporting my upper body with my elbows, my gaze shifted over the brassy field.



A rock had caused me to look like an idiot in front of everyone.

Oh well. At least I was still looking hot in my swimsuit. Or, at least I knew Sasuke thought I looked hot, if that little --little? Laughs!-- bump in his shorts was any consolation. Which it was! I almost burst out laughing when I was sprawled over his lap. But I managed to let my face reveal nothing. After all, it's what I do best. Being in the modeling business made sure of that. Not to mention having a killer hot body all men wish they could their hands on and bang six ways to Sunday…

OMG was I just talking about myself like some stuck-up snooty piece of ass? I'm not stuck-up, I swear!! I'm just so blessed that I have a big chance like this, you know? Being a normal girl and not just a ninja 24/7…

Not buying it? Screw you. Your loss.

Anyway, I heard a big snort/laugh come from out of my mouth. For no reason? Probably not. Sasuke's erection so close to me, Naruto's accident, my almost fatal fall from my not-friend rock…I just had to laugh.

But then my laugh turned into a bloody murder scream as Naruto rushed towards me. How could I forget about him?

It didn't look like he was going to stop anytime soon so I just let the ninja in me take over. Raising my legs just as soon as Naruto jumped over me, I catapulted him up and over my head. Lucky for him, the river was right behind us.

Though, I had not known that until I heard a big splashing sound. Oops.


-So you really knew all along about my…problem?

-How could I not have? That thing was poking me right in the stomach!

-It was your fault.


-If you hadn't been too lazy to get up instead of grinding on me, none of that would have happened.

-Puh-lease! Don't kid yourself, Sasuke. I wasn't grinding on you. I was merely reaching over you. Like you wouldn't have done the same thing.

-Nope. I have some dignity.

-I have plenty of dignity.

-Nude modeling sessions, provocative posses, one-night stands, different sex slaves for everyday of the week, and partying all night long, do not make up dignity.

-…Hey, have you ever noticed that dignity rhymes with virginity?

-And small attention span. -sigh-
Dummies For Dummies by vampirella
Author's Notes:
haha naruXsasu!! can there be anything more sexy in the whole world?
She had called out to Kakashi for help. Naturally, the old man didn't do shit. Then she looked over and me and said, "Sasuke?"

For a split second, our eyes met. Of course, Sakura was the first to look away to watch where she was going. But that look of hers had been enough for me. That and the way she said my name. Usually she called me by my last name. But to hear my name from those perfect plump pink cherry lips of hers… I just had to draw my legs tighter to my chest and encircle my arms around them.

I wanted to help her. Really, I did. But I just couldn't. It was not in an Uchiha's nature to help out other just like that. After all, when has she done anything nice for me? And no, offering me a chance to pose with her in one of her photo shoots did not count. That just meant that she wanted someone next to her to make herself look good.

So I just sat back and watched…and waited for my "problem" to, uh, go away on its own.

Wow…Sakura could really run. Maybe that was how she eluded her mob of crazy stalkers. Those fanboys really got on my nerves. One time, just as we were in the middle of training, out of nowhere, a dozen guys came running towards us saying stupid things like, 'Sakura, I love you!' or 'Please marry me!' or 'I can't live without you!' How sad is that. And because of them, all we did that day was hide Sakura until it was safe to come out.

Although, it was great training when you're trying to elude someone… But whatever, I wasn't getting up to help her.

The chase continued for a few more minutes before Sakura fell on the ground. I thought she was done for. Honestly, Naruto looked pissed. But if it's one thing I know about Sakura since the time we were small, is that she is full of surprises. And this time was no different.

And so, like the true escape artist and weird girl she is, she sent Naruto flying into the river behind her just using her legs.

And judging from how her face lit up with complete surprise when she heard the splash of water from behind her, I was sure she hadn't known about the river. Nonetheless, she readjusted her already-messy bun, smiled, and joined Naruto in the water.

When I was sure I could walk --let alone stand-- without any problems, I headed over to the river where Naruto and Sakura had jumped in. well, Sakura had jumped in. And what a jump! She was like a flamboyant angel. Naruto on the other hand was like a drowning elephant. Not so flamboyant and under no circumstances an angel.

When the three of us were finally back in the cold freezing water, Kakashi gave us our mark, and we were off.

Have you ever done something or were in the middle of doing something when you suddenly realized that you despise whatever you're doing at that instant you wanted to punch someone? Namely Kakashi? Well, my time came when we were all done for the day. Or at least, we all thought it was.

"Alright you three," Kakashi said. "You've finished your first task." We climbed, or rather crawled out of the water and onto dry land. I'd never been so happy to see grass!

"The second part of your training," Kakashi continued saying. "Will be…" This was when time slowed down, like a director using it on one of his Hollywood movies. It was giving us a chance to run away, to escape. But like with a horrific car crash in real life or movie, we had to stick long enough to see what happens next. "Will be, CPR training."

Commence screeching tires and car crash background noise.

Kakashi waited a few seconds. What, was he expecting us to jump for joy at the news? Because if so, he was in for a disappointment. Sakura spoke next to me.

"Okay, so where are the dummies?" Her eyes started scanning the area but it was Kakashi's soft chuckle that caught her attention. "What's so funny?" She crossed her arms under her breasts which did this amazing push-n-lift effect for them and I realized I was getting this push-n-lift effect of my own somewhere in my shorts. I decided that I should keep my attention on Kakashi whenever I was not in water.

"There are no dummies." He paused. "Unless you mean Naruto."

At the sound of his name, the dobe yelled, "Hey!"

"If Naruto's the dummy, I'd rather fail the course." Sakura stated firmly.

"Why's that?"

It was just a question. There was no malice or anger from the events of earlier today. Just simple curiosity. Sakura met his look with a look of her own. Very stoic, calm, nothing was reveled in that beautiful face of hers. But then, what did you expect from a marble-model of six years experience?

"Because, Uzumaki," There was that last-name basis tone with her again. Naruto quirked a brow. "You're married,"

"Is that all? Lame! I'll just tell Hinata I was drowning."

"You're a pervert. Just like your pervert sensei."

Kakashi put his book down long enough to stare at Sakura and say, "Hey," then picked it up again.

"I meant Jiraiya, Kakashi. Although Kakashi, you're up there with him."

"Common, Sakura. I'm a guy." The blond said as if that explained everything.

She just stared at him before her green emerald eyes turned towards me. Bloody hell. What did I do? What did she want with me? I'm no perv. I don't let women cross my mind and distract me. In fact, I don't let any women cross my mind and distract me. Maybe that's why everyone thought I was gay?

She turned back to Naruto and I let out a breath I wasn't aware I was holding in. "You have Sasuke."

"What?" Naruto and I both yelled at the same time as if we had planned on it since the very beginning. Is that why she was starring at me.

She shrugged nonchalantly. "Remember that day you and Naruto kissed when we were getting into teams?"


"Well, I just figured if Naruto was gonna be the CPR dummy, there's no reason for me to be involved." She gave me a smirk. Naruto looked like he was cocking and Kakashi was egging the little tease on!

"What do you mean, Sakura?"

"I'll write you a complete fanfic on the subject later."

Kakashi's eyes practically lit up. Ew, that had to be the scariest thing id seen all day.


-Why would you bring that up?

-What? You mean the lil kiss between you and your lover Naruto?

-Stop that!

-Aw common, Sasuke. It's all in good fun, you know that.

-So you kissing Ino was all in good fun?

-I never-

-It's all in good fun, Sa-ku-ra, you know that.

-Fine, whatever, tell the people lies. They'll never believe you.

-I wouldn't say that, Sakura. After all, all those male stalkers of yours are big fans of girl-on-girl. Once they hear this, they'll never leave you alone.

-…If you tell that lie I'll make your life a living hell.

-You mean more than you already do?

-Oh, ten times worse.

-Bring it on sister!
Selfish Rat by vampirella
Author's Notes:
i was kind of hoping for you people out there (the ones that actually give a damn) to urge me to write and keep writing this story... but that didnt happen. so whos fault is it....? thats right, the media

enjoy =.=

I was dead serious about writing Kakashi that fanfic.

But I hadn't meant to give Sasuke a hard time about the whole kiss with Naruto thing back when we were at the Academy. Actually, I kind of promised him I would never bring it up again. I guess I only bring it up as a way to defend myself… From what, I'm not exactly sure.

Maybe I only did it because I was teed off by the fact that he didn't even bother to rise from his god-forsaken little ball around himself and offer to help me! That ungrateful little Uchiha prick! It's so like him to do something so mean! Not help out a friend in need, I mean.

Okay, there was this one time, in our chemistry class at Konoha Leaf High School, where this girl (I think it was Tanya… Idunno, some fat chicks' name) was having trouble reaching something off the top shelf (you know, because she was fat). Right next to this poor helpless fatty-- I mean girl, Sasuke is trying to light his Bunsen burner, but it wouldn't start because the tip was really dull and wasted… Kind of like my lab partner who was smoldering eraser bits thinking it was crack --but that's a whole different story!

Anyway, while that arrogant, self-absorbed piece of shit (not fatty, Sasuke) was busy with his toy, trying to make it work for him, poor Barbra is struggling, and I could see this was a fight between life and death.

But I couldn't do anything for Samantha. I was over at the other side of the room preventing my partner from overdosing on pixie sticks dust, (he had moved on) so I was of no help.

Suddenly! Out of no where! Flame is sprouting from the gas out of the Bunsen burner like Old Reliable. It all happened so fast! No one could have seen it coming! Except for me, of course. It was like I had a front row seat at the biggest game of the season. Unforgettable. Everything slowed down a fraction of a second so I had time to see everything.

First, I could see Darby, her fingers stretching, almost there, almost fully around the beaker she was reaching for.

Then I see Sasuke, one final push from his finger, and the lighter was creating sparks, right on the burner with the gas leaking, supposedly set on low, but Shikamaru Nara, I see that blockheaded clown, turn up the gas even higher, so when the first spark hit the gas…


She had her fingers around the small beaker and was preparing to descend from her high reach, when the fire sprang up to meet her first.

It was horrible! Absolutely horrendous!

The lab was a complete mess and I pitied the janitor for this unfortunate cleanup. Horrible I say!

…Oh And Jana wasn't looking so hot, either… I mean, she was because she was on fire, (her hair at least) but either than that, not so hot.

The ambulance was called right away, with Tabatha wheeled away to the hospital, and the rest of us kids to be evacuated…

All in all… Sasuke hadn't helped. I saw him walk away with the rest of the kids when things got dicey. At first I thought he was scared, but I couldn't be sure. Maybe he didn't want to get his nice navy blue shirt ruined, brand new from Hollister. But then again, who am I to judge? I didn't do shit, and neither did the other kids who were even closer! So... what was the point in my story?


I turned my attention when I heard the Uchiha call my name. It was like he was irritated with me, like he had been talking to me for a while and I wasn't paying attention so he decided to yell at me.

I don't like it when people use that tone with me. I frowned. "What?" I demanded rather than asked.

His frown got deeper. So, he was angry with me. "Kakashi paired us up." He got up as I was going to ask, but then I remembered.

"The CPR thing, right?" I said anyway, walking behind me. He seemed to be walking away from where Naruto and Kakashi were talking. OMG, were those two partners? I almost LOL'd! Naruto would be pissed, and Kakashi probably isn't happy either…but I couldn't tell. That damn mask, he was probably giggling with excitement. I shivered.

"Cold?" Sasuke stopped near the water's edge, a few feet away from Naruto and Kakashi, but my view was almost completely obscured by the shrubs and ferns growing here. "Are you cold?" He repeated again, but I was too lost in my thoughts.

Why would Sasuke bring me here, so far away from the others, and the view of them cut off, as if to imply that no one would come to the rescue if things got… Oh snap…

Come to think of it, when he asked if I was cold, his voice seemed low and…dangerous…almost a seductive whisper…

"Sakura." I felt something touch my arm and I jumped back. Who did this creep think he was?!

"Stay away from me you lech." I said it with as much acid in my tone as I cud muster, which wasn't much. I was terribly cold.

"What's with you?" He said, his tone was…confused?

"What's with me? What's with you?"

"What are you talking about, Haruno? You know, you should get off the drugs, they don't make you any smarter, no matter what the rumors say." I heard him mutter.

I guess he was back to normal. I put my guard down a bit, not completely, but enough so he wouldn't think I was crazy. "You would know, Uchiha." I muttered, and couldn't help but add, "You know, your personalities are kind of giving me whiplash."

He cocked an eyebrow. "What's that suppose to mean?"

Somehow, I couldn't seem to stop myself from explaining. "One minute you're mean and like a statue, the next, you look like you're going to…rape me, or kill me, and now you're confused as a puppy who lost his mom and asking "Are you my mommy?'" I crossed my arms.

He looked me over for a few more minutes, probably determining the fastest way to get me to the nearest Konoha Mental Institution. Man, was I really scatterbrained today?

Finally, he spoke. "Seriously, Sakura, lay off the drugs."


-Sasuke, what's with the multiple drug references?

-Well, you're on drugs, right?

-No, I am not.

-That's what a typical junkie would say.

-I'm not on drugs, you idiot… Then again, you would know what it feels like to be on drugs, wouldn't you? See, I heard this one rumor--

-Please, I even thought someone as dumb as you would be smarter not to get sucked in in all the lies.

-Geeze you are so not fun.

-Yeah, bummer… Hey, What's the deal of you not remembering that girl's name?

-What do you mean, it's Tamara.

-No, it's Jane.

-… How is it that you know that?


-Guess the rumor was true, after all. -smirk-

-What rumor?

-My, my, the Uchiha, listening to a bunch of gossip, how sad.

-You are so annoying.

-Well at least I don't have multi-personality disorder.

-I don't--

-That's not what I heard! -laughs-
Got-2-Go! by vampirella
Author's Notes:
its soooo good to be back!
Where was i you may ask?
Somewhere where the sun didnt shine and all forms of communication were a thing of the past!

I wasn't sure if I could tell it straight to her face if it was alright of me to take her somewhere where she wasn't a danger to herself, myself, and society altogether. But after she called me out on rape, I didn't want to push my luck. This was a nosy city, this Konoha, and my word would be against hers. The sexy, the talented, the exotic, Sakura Haruno.

It's not bad knowing someone famous. It just means you have to be extra careful…or have really good mob connections (alright Itachi!)

So I'm standing here with this girl and I have no idea what to do next. Why did I bring her all the way over here to the other side of the world? It seemed like a good idea at first…now I am as lost and confused as Sakura looks when trying to read a map that's leading to anything besides the mall.

But no matter. I'm an Uchiha. A leading world prodigy! This is no problem.

"Get in the water and drown," I say to her.

"…" She just stares. Next thing I know, a rock's being thrown my way and she's moving her big rear-end over to where Kakashi and Naruto are…ugh! Gross!!

"Fine," I mutter, because I could really care less whether she wants to pass this mission or not. She was just lucky I didn't say "Get in the water and drown…for real." That probably would have cost me an arm or something. But I remember, this is a mission, and I kinda vowed to make all missions count, even the stupid little ones. So…

I decide it's no fair that her attitude brings us both down and I go after her. I find that she stopped in mid-step to observe our teacher and the blond, uh, hard at work. She gawked. Feeling that I didn't need to know about Kakashi and Naruto's progress on the subject of CPR, I take Sakura's hand and lead her back to our place, where I lay down, close my eyes, and rest.

Although, after a moment, I hear nothing. Had she left? She was awfully quiet. I open one eye to find that she's still there, just…not. I mean, she's standing right next to me, that's for sure, but she has this vacant look on her face and glassy empty, eyes and her mouth's hanging open. I realize right away what's bothering her.

" 'You're hot then you're cold, you're yes then you're no, you're in then you're out, you're up then you're down,' " I muttered high enough that she would hear. She turned jade eyes towards me. I closed my eyes and resumed relaxing.

Finally, after seconds passed by, she said, "What's that suppose to mean, Perry?" and joined me down in the grass.

"It means Naruto may talk big, but he has the balls to go through with what needs to be done. You on the other hand… 'You're wrong when it's right, it's black and it's white.' It's only black and white for you, Haruno. That's how you see the whole world."

We sat in silence. I really wanted to check on her, make sure she hadn't left, or at the very least, to see the look on her face. But I kept up my uninterested, bored persona and let it sink in for her.

It did.

"So how does this work."

I wanted to smile. At the very least giggle. It was too much.

I sat up in one quick movement and tried not to show how amused I was of her. She was so easy! Sakura really did sell herself short.

"You pretend to be near death, I save the day."

She didn't seem to agree with my plan. "Why don't I do the saving, Romeo. After all, I am a girl."

Oookay…liked that explained anything.

"No, now lay on the ground," I said.

"No," she said.

And we went back and forth like this for at least a minute of not two. He said she said.
Fed up with our ability to not compromise and get nothing done, she said, "Alright, we'll take turns. You first."

"Ladies first." I corrected.

"I know, that's why I motioned to you, Perry."

I frowned. I knew the Katy Perry routine was gonna come back and bite me on the ass.

"Just lay down and stay down Uchiha, who knows how long we have till Kakashi finds out we haven't completed our mission yet."

Well, she did have a point.

I prepared my self by being the most annoying drowning victim one could ever encounter.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Sakura finally growled when she couldn't get my arms straight and lay still at my sides.

"I'm allergic," I said, flailing my legs in the air.

"To what?" She retorted.

I rolled onto my stomach. "The water."

She sighed, exasperated and long. "Okay, obviously this isn't going to work." She got up and extended a hand to help me to my feet. I took it and smiled.

She rolled her eyes as she got on her back.

Oh yes, Sasuke Uchiha you're hot and bold!


-You're so gay.

-What did you say, Haruno?

-Perry's song, you idiot.

-Oh…what of it?

-It's a good song.

-…That's it?

-No. It reminded me of you and Naruto and that one time at the Academy when you two ki-

-I thought you were never gonna bring that up ever again!

-So I lied. What else is new?

--sigh- Oh, just shuttup will ya?

The Hush Shush by vampirella
Author's Notes:
happy readings

I was really hoping to prevent from saying this…but seeing as it's unavoidable…here goes nothing…


…can't do this!!

It's just too hard! I want to say it, honest I do! But the pressures on. If I reveal this secret of mine now, I may be ruined, --nah!-- scarred, for the rest of my life! You see, it's just not that simple. Nothing is ever that simple.

You see, this secret (which I have come to name my Tumor) isn't just any secret. It's like, the secret of secrets. The secrets of secrets of secrets that is just so…secret-y, and all. People like me (beautiful, models, skilled medic ninja, great ass) don't come to harbor these types of things within ourselves. We just don't. They ( the media) say that in time we learn how to close ourselves off to the "world" and become "plastic," which in the modeling business really just means brain-dead blonde.

But here's the thing! I'm neither brain-dead nor blonde. Quiet the opposite in fact! I have pink hair and my GPA in the Ninja Academy was one of the top three highest (next to Uchiha and I don't know who the third was, but I have a growing suspicion it may have been Shikamaru Nara, that lazy kid).

As I lay down here on the soft, dry grass, this is what's going through my mind: DON'T BLOW YOUR COVER, GIRL!

Then I giggle because I just made a joke without meaning too. Cover, girl. Get it? Like the makeup. I giggle again.

Sasuke raises a thin brow and looks at me weird. Hmmm…does Sasuke pluck his eyebrows?

"What's so funny?" he asks me.

"Nothin'" I respond.


"What is it?"


"Cover girl," I say.

He blinks.




Blinks again.

"Whatever." He mutters and proceeds with the CPR crap. "Is the situation safe?"


"I wasn't talking to you, you dope." He says.

"Then who?" I ask. Who else but me? Maybe the heat's getting to his head.

"That's what you say when doing CPR."


"Idiot." He muttered. "Is the situation safe?" He asked again.

No response.

"Does the victim appear to be unconscious?"

I blinked up at him. "That could be arranged." He said, then grabbed my wrist. I think he was looking for my gold watch. "No pulse." He tilted my head back, laid his head on my chest. "No breathing. 30 chest compressions starting…now."


"It's a miracle, she's alive." Sasuke said in a monotonous voice.

"So are we done?" I ask. My ass was falling asleep.


"But you didn't even breath into me."

He stared.

"You know what I mean."

"There was no need," he shrugged. "You were conscious."

"Sasuke," I say, "you're going to kill a lot of people."

We stayed in silence long enough to hear Kakashi calling us back. Once clear of anything blocking my view, I could see Naruto gasping on all fours on the ground.

When we were all rounded up once more, Kakashi dismissed us and we were free to go.

It was weird. I knew it. Sasuke knew it. And Naruto and Kakashi both definitely knew it. This was all too weird.


-You mentioned something about a secret…

-That's correct.

-But you didn't say what it was.

-Correct again.

-…You ever going to say what it is?

-Mmm…maybe…maybe not.


-You're not gonna beg, are you?

-I will if I have to. You know what a sucker I am when it comes to secrets.

-…Hmm? I just heard, 'You know what a sucker I am' and then…white noise.

-Oh! Look at that, I can't find a pulse on you. You must be dead…or dying. Which, in that case, I'll be sure to inform everyone and not just heave your lifeless corpse over a ravine. You can count on me.

-That's very sweet, Uchiha, but I'm a vampire. I don't have a pulse.

-Well, in that case would you prefer death by sunlight, stake or beheading?

--shakes head- -sigh-
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