G'day Rasengan_Welch! I'm glad to see you have such enthusiasm for your work. I recommend rewriting your summary with correct spacing and capitalisation because you want to give the best impression to the reader as possible. This applies to the rest of your fic because incorrect spelling, punctuation and spacing means we can't really immerse ourselves in the fic because we're too busy trying to puzzle out tones and pauses that lend atmosphere to the fic. What it also means is we can't empathise with the characters, and if we find it hard to empathise with the characters we can't care about them, making it very hard to care about the fic. It's an unfortunete domino effect illustrating how important aesthetics are to a reader, but easily remedied. I offer to beta all current chapters you have up for you to resubmit and perhaps garner the readers you deserve.
I mean that, because if not for the really bad spacing and capitalisation it would be a fantastic story. Right from the start the imagery and language is brilliant, heavy moonlight, dreaded heat. Shikamaru's personality comes across brilliantly. Squealy blonde describes Ino to the core! I also like the description of Shikamaru as a pinapple. Writing of this calabre really makes me wish my eyes weren't constantly being drawn to the mistakes.
The imagery remains vivid as you move through the scene but its again blunted, like hitting a brick wall with the words Flashback written on it. Readers will recognise a flashback without something as blunt as writing with the right word choice, you've done so very well, and the common format is simply listing the entire flashback scene in italics would do it. It'll keep the nice flow you have in your writing and let the reader continue to sink into the story.
*Chuckles* I like Shikamaru's interaction with his family, I haven't read many authors that have bothered to even include canon characters family so bravo on taking times to set up those kind of details. Yoshino's personality is just as brilliant, I love reading about her and picture her smacking him between the eyes with a snigger, as well as Shikaku's sheepishness. At this point remember your paragraphing, each time a new person speaks start a new line as this sorts dialogue between characters.
Oooh, ouch. Try to avoid in story AN's because like the flashback titles these completely ruin the mood. Any information that the author needs to know can be weaselled into the story itself. For example , he stated, pointing at his chuunin jacket, a rank he had achieve a little under a year ago.
Shikamaru's personality is OOC when he comes out of the flashback. Admittedly I was warned so I deserve what I get, but to just up and leave seems like a lot of effort for him for a bit of independence. It is at this point the AU really becomes apparent and if you could introduce it a bit more clearly beyond the dialogue, a few descriptive paragraphs of what had happened in the village in the last month to bring us up to speed would let us suspend disbelief more fully.
Cool, a fuller personality investigation of the Sound Five. I'll look forward to that as I thought Kimimaru was an interesting character that needed a bit more exploration. Their banter is fun!
All in all, a good start to the fic if it weren't so riddled with capitalisation and spelling errors which is a major downer for me. Towards the end some of the writing feels a bit hasty but great imagery. My offer as a beta remains, and I'll catch up with the next chapter soon.
Author's Response: Mr.Penguin I accept your offer.When you don't write for a long time,sometimes you may get a bit confused with proper dialogue.That hits me a lot.So,I shall improve next chapter.
well hows your new chapter doing i think im giving up on SCOS because when i updated i only got two reviews and they were complaints or requests whatever and too all people wanted me to write was yaoi yeah im restartting sort of i also make amv's and i hae a new idea for one!
Author's Response: told you it was a bad idea
i beliee you on that so besides tonfa shutting down anything new
Author's Response: I don't really have any idea..
well it is a good story. but who could i tell that you dont know.
Author's Response: anyone..
Sorry if this over rational, but I've been up for a while and after I listen to a song thats stuck in my head but to answer the review you answered: What The Hell Does That Mean.
Author's Response: well.... that means 'okay' or 'alright' but sometimes it could mean 'that's nice'... but if you really wanna do something besides write,go spread the word about 'the loss of naruto' and help me get it in the tens.
short but okay
Author's Response: h'm...
its not that i want to but i dont have any talent but if you want me to prove it then give me a short topic and i'll write about but make it short and something good not like summer vacation like a story and the you can judge if i have what it takes to be a writer. i mean basicaly the only story reviewed was my one shot piece of crap.
Author's Response: well i guess one-shots are all you can do.topic....mm.....anything dealing with the akatsuki?
not bad but but if you havnt heard im done with writing and going to delete my stories in time
Author's Response: really? aw man.. but if that's what you want,then go on ahead.
This was pretty cool. I wonder what will happen with Shika? And how will the others react? Well update soon.
Author's Response: you shall see,we're close but i can't spoil anything.