Reviews For S.O.A.P
Name: Sasaui Uchiha (Signed) · Date: 29/12/14 - 10:25 am · For: O...2: "A Sinking Sort of Feeling"
Okay. No doubt. You're Kaki-chan. Thankfully only you would understand this XD. If anyone discovers who you are through this nickname, I apologize.... But if they can't recognize your amazingness, they don't deserve to know *hmphs and crosses arms in defiance to I don't know what*
Oh my freaking gosh, this chapter. I was on the edge of my seat mentally screaming for them all to save Aubrey. The tension and fear in this was just so real. Being a reader who completely immerses themselves in the character, this seriously had my adrenaline pumping as they tried to save Aubrey XD. I'm so glad they did. I mean, I knew they would have to. Then again, you could have had a twist where Aubrey was a ghost. Poor Omri. She seems so freaked out and everything. After all, her friends almost died.
The description in this was once more beautiful. It was done very well considering the hecticness. Also, I love how you are doing the PoVs. SOAP. Hehe.
Great chapter, Kaki-chan (is it okay if I still use this nickname?). I'll try to catch up soon, but I have soooooo much to read.
Name: The Wreyck (Signed) · Date: 10/12/14 - 10:40 am · For: S...1: "Oh Headlights"
Grammar mistakes float around this chapter, but that might just be my Nazi talking. Mostly you forget to use commas where you really need them, which is interesting because most of the authors I have worked with use too many commas, and I'm constantly having to remove them to save the sentence from awkwardness. Yes, I am aware that that sentence right there was awkward and drawn out, but I do not care. Tiz only a review, not actual story material. :P
One thing that did bug me:
"Aubrey's just driving slowly because of the porcupines," she beamed as she made her statement.
Beamed is a facial expression that suits the situation, but it is not a verb that can be used in terms of speaking. She could have spoken while beaming but not beamed the actual words. I don't know if your intention was simply to indicate a facial expression and your fault simply lay in misusing a comma after the dialogue rather than a period and start of a new sentence; or if you were trying to use the word "beamed" as the action for her dialogue. Either way, the mistake is easily fixed in future writing.
Peninnah is a bit cliché over-energized obnoxious girl, and that could turn out good or bad. Are you hoping to simply keep her in for gags and comic-relief, or do you hope to make her a more serious aspect of the story? If the latter is the case, it will be tricky thing to accomplish. If you do, though, she will be an amazing dynamic for the story.
Her introduction was a little awkward, though. It took me a couple reads to make the connection of her first dialogue with the name mentioned in Omri's dialogue. The revealing of the driver's name being Aubrey was slightly confusing, too, though not overly. Just be careful that you are not identifying your characters too disjointedly, though I understand the desire to also use more interesting methods for character introduction. Using the same old boring method every time leads to a boring story. The only girl of the four you introduced clearly was Sydney. Just keep that in mind.
I apologize for the nitpickiness. I'm a beta, and I can't seem to stop the work when once I get started. I really only get nitpicky in this way with good authors, though. I figure they're strong enough to take the constructive critique. And of course they're the only ones worth spending my time trying to improve. Anybody can learn to write; only a few can tell a story.
Anyway, I actually do rather like where this is headed. I wonder where the girls are going to end up, and what they will do. I'm interested in them with a strong enough desire to keep reading in order to find out. That's pretty good for me since I often will like a story but still abandon it after the first one or two chapters, anyway. I'm a little hesitant about the "sexual themes" warning, but I'm willing to go with it. I look forward to more, and I'll try not to get too nitpicky in my reviews. I know it can be a drag.
I have a lot of issues with the English language, so I apologize for that, ha. I could reread a chapter several times, deem it ready for read consumption, and than find a few days later a few periods or a word or two missing for no apparent reason... Heh, it really is terrible, but we try I suppose.
Anyway, much of the reason the passing of character dialogue is kind of off is because this first chapter is mostly focused on Sydney herself, thus the reason you get the best feeling for her right out of the gate. I will keep in mind, however, the distance and separation of character vs. speech and try and keep it a little smoother in the future.
And any amount of helpful advice is still helpful advice, so please feel free to interject whenever you feel necessary. I look forward to hearing from you in the future :3
Name: Sasaui Uchiha (Signed) · Date: 09/12/14 - 03:16 pm · For: S...1: "Oh Headlights"
Does Kaki-chan ring any bells? Like from a review from me? Because you seem extremely familiar and all signs point to someone I nicknamed Kaki-chan when reviewing. If not, wow, your stuff reminds me of hers (not that that is a bad thing of course). And if you just don't wanna say, okay.
This was mostly an introduction and set-up chapter, but I really liked it. All the characters are very individualized, though I didn't get the greatest feel of Aubrey. That sounds awkward somehow... Oh well. I really loved Peni. The little goof ball is just adorable and so hyperactive and had me laughing. A lot. And oh gosh - Slenderman. I swear, if he shows up... *shivers* I watched that game one midnight and couldn't sleep for a while afterwards.
Everything was described beautifully. I enjoyed if and felt really on edge during the final scene. I really hope Aubrey is okay, as well as what is going to happen after this.
Amazing chapter, X3Dee.
But more importantly, thank you so much for the review! Yes, I won't lie that this chapter was very much written as a way to introduce the story and really get the ball rolling. In light of that, I felt like it would be really hard to kind of give the reader a good feel for each character this early on, especially considering how quickly things escalate. However, the fact that you feel only one character was lagging actually makes me feel a lot better with how I executed this chapter, so thank you so much for that as well :D
Slenderman just needed to make a brief cameo, but I seriously doubt he'll become a main focus at any point, ha ha. Anyway, I spent a lot of time working over the description and setting of these first couple of chapters, and I feel like setting is a serious weakness for me, so please keep me posted on how you think I'm doing there. I'd really appreciate that :3
I look forward to hearing from you again soon! Thanks again for reviewing, it means a lot!!