Reviews For Voices
Name: UzamakiMasumi (Signed) · Date: 11/11/12 - 11:54 am · For: The Recruit
Okay, dude, you just updated only a day after your first chapter. I mean, it's great to so that you must be psyched about this story and really getting into it and writing it, but you probably don't want to update so quickly. It's hard to keep up with a story that updates constantly. Updating once or twice a weeks is probably a better way to go. And, you know, if you're writing quickly enough that you've got more chapters than that a week, that's fine. It's good to have a buffer of unpublished chapters for when you get into a writer's block period. Then you can still keep updating, and the readers will be happy. And, also, it gives you time to really go over your chapters and edit them and make them something better before you put it online. Readers appreciate that, trust me.
Okay, so paragraph one, why did he smirk? I mean, I'm pretty sure I know, but that's not the point. As the author you need to make it clear. Exactly why did he smirk? You know, right? So say it when you write it. You know, something like, "I smirked at the thought of how many neighbors I could piss off." See how that gives a bit more to the reader and just makes the reading experience a little better?
I like these first few chapters, just kind of setting up the story and giving us a chance to get to know the characters. I think when doing a story like this it's always best to really set it up so that the reader can experience the growth right along with your characters. As it will be exciting for Yui when the band starts to come together and performing, it will be an exciting and happy thing for the reader to see it happening and see Yui's and the other members' excitement. So, kudos to you on this.
Ah ha ha! And do I see the appearance of a member of this future band? Ah, see! As I said, this is an exciting thing to see! And it wouldn't have been so exciting had the band already been together with the start of the story.
You know, I'm into music and play it, so I understood pretty well the conversation between the guys, but someone who doesn't know as much about music might not understand everything that was said perfectly. So just keep that in mind in the future. You may have to explain some of the more complex things you might say in the story as it goes on later.
Ah, I find it amusing that he screams late into the night like that. Probably really pissing his neighbors off, no? You could have mentioned that. Like a comment about how he was probably irritating his neighbors just like this morning but oh well.
Anyhow, since you wrote this chapter before you got my review, there are still some of the same mistakes, and I'm not going to point them out twice. So, yeah. Good chapter. Keep it up.
Author's Response: Yo! sorry for being a bit late on this and all. So first things first, yeah i agree with you on your first review i am a bit lazy when it comes to computers that is, if i'm writing on a piece of paper i usually tend to write a lot better, and yes my dialogue and paragraph are messed up, but i will fix that in the next chapter! but yeah and the asterisks thing, tell truth i really don't know why i did, i usually tend to write it out like how you "I groaned." I agree with you on the whole capitalizing the start of each new sentence, and like you said i'm lazy. Onto the smirking subject it's just like the groaning thing but here i think i forgot to write the reason why he smirked.... or thought i did write it down, oh well guess i'll never remember. So onto random things what do you play? like i said in my bio, i could play drums, and guitar, And what type of music do you listen to? I got a like question. would you prefer me writing what they do when they perform and by that i mean like state if someone on stage is headbanging or some other random things, or would you just like to imagine what they are doing while they play, like read the lyrics and you could imagine if they are jumping off stage in some part of the song. I'm just asking if you'd prefer reading what they are doing or imagining what they are doing when performing. and that's that. Oh and if you'd like me to do a song of your choosing just ask i'll be willing to do it, and how i will do the chapters with performances, i'll be writing out the band when they practice on the song, ya dig? and i'll write as yui comes up with a new song for the band to work on, But like i said if you want me to put a song of your choosing i'll do so. And on some chapters i'll ask if the readers want me to play a song of their choosing as well. Later brah
Name: UzamakiMasumi (Signed) · Date: 11/11/12 - 11:29 am · For: The Start Of a Legacy
So tis my first review for you, man, so I should probably introduce myself as a sort of warning. First, I see a story with an interesting title, then I read the summary and maybe see it as interesting. Then I click on the story, but before I even bother reading it, I TONFA stalk the author, so I've basically read your entire bio, and the reviews on your OTHER stories that have nothing to do with the story I clicked on, and if you had written any of your own reviews, I would have read those, too. And then enters the grammar nazi me as well as the obsessive, 'let's pretty much beta this chapter instead of just review it' person! Yeah, so, warning, my reviews tend to be verrrry long, and they tend to have a lot of advice/contructive criticism, but! It's because I have this weird goal of making everyone on here a better writer, ya dig? So.... Yeah. Onto the review! Banzai!
So the title of this story definitely really struck, and, as I started to read the summary, I was thinking this was going to be a really complex, psychological, kid's got special circumstances fanfic. Then I realized it was an original fic, and that actually made me more interested, especially after I discovered this involved music. Yeah, so point is, you've got a really catchy name and summary here, and I think it has a chance at drawing readers. Go you!
Okay, so as I started actually reading the chapter, though, first thing I noticed is..... Ah, the grammar! Please, man, don't do this to me! I mean, everyone, or at least most, on here have pretty bad grammar. It's like a rule for American teens that we must have bad grammar or something. But when the first thing I see is that you don't even bother to capitalize your sentences, that's not just you not knowing the grammar rules. That's you being lazy, and I don't like to see that. If you've got bad grammar, fine, but at least take the time to capitalize new sentences. It's really not that hard. All you gotta do is hold down one extra key when you type the letter. Kay? And I guarantee that a lot of potential readers probably will take one look, see the lack of capitalization, decide automatically that the story has to be crap, and not even bother taking a shot at it and reading it. I noticed on your other story, The Darkness That Consumes, had 535 reads on it, yet it only had two reviews, and those were from Hazzy and Shi-nii, friends of mine that I happen to know are more willing to stick through a chapter because they, like me, want to give authors a chance and also help them improve. Most of the normal readers on TONFA probably did exactly what I just explained would happen to Voices, thus the high-ish read count with basically no reviews. So yeah! Just a bit of advice there.
Next thing that I immediately notices was your dialogue and paragraph breaks. I actually see a lot of authors on TONFA with this problem, and it's a really simple thing to fix once you realize there is a problem. You just have to pay attention and keep this rule in mind as you write. Each time a new person speaks, you need a new paragraph. So, for instance, with the first few sets of dialogue of paragraph one (I'm only going to show the paragraph breaks and not fix and of the other grammar), it could go like this:
"onii-chan wake up!"
i felt weight land on top of my back "five more minutes" i yawned
"no! we're going to be late come on get up." the girl lifted the curtains up letting a sun ray come in
"turn the lights off" i pulled my blanket higher covering my face from the light.
getting angry the girl grabbed the sides of me and flipped me so i was laying on my back and facing her "you are getting up and you are going to like it!"
Ah, and, actually, the end of this section brings me to my next point. Using asterisks (your *groan*) is a no go in stories. I know we use it a lot when IMing with friends or on forums and in status updates, but you don't do it in a story. Just explain it with a real sentence. I growned. Look, that's only one extra key to type in the end and could even be considered the same since you have to also hit the shift key for asterisks but not for periods or spaces.
That being said, while you need a lot of work on your writing style, you've definitely got a spark of something in you, and I liked it. Your characters are interesting, and you clearly know them and know how to portray them to the readers very well. As soon as I decided to ignore the grammar, I really got into the story. It took a bit of deciphering because of the lack of grammar, but the story itself is good and interesting, and I could picture it in my mind very well. I must ask, though, do you read shonen, high school manga? Because I'm kind of getting that feel from this story as I do read a lot of shonen high school manga.
Ah, one more thing. I really like the whole, oh, let's introduce ourselves after the whole morning dialogue, although it does kind of have a manga/anime feel to it doing it that way. But that's not a problem. It's fun. I didn't care for the 'let's describe exactly how I look to the readers' thing. That's the manga/anime mindset there, it is, and it's something you really need to break yourself away from when writing stories. A lot of fanfiction authors still do it, but you really don't want to. There are ways to incorporate the appearance of the characters, even the narrator, into the story without directly saying it like that as just an insert into the story. And, with stories, we don't need to know the exact appearance of the characters. The beauty of writing is that it leaves some imagination to the reader, it makes the reader more involved than they would be with reading manga or watching anime/TV/movies. I mean, sure, we need a bit of an outline on the appearance but not everything, and there are better ways to get your appearance in there.
Okay, actually, one last thing before I jump. You have this listed as a Non-Naruto fic. I think the more accurate category would be Alternate Universe & Crossovers > High School Fics. Yeah. So, I do like what you have, but you do need a lot of work. Still, I look forward to seeing more from you. I think if you put your mind to it, you can really do something.
P.S. I promise my second review probably won't be quite so long as that's generally how it ends up working for me. X3