Reviews For The Begining
Name: Takashi Serukami (Anonymous) · Date: 10/10/12 - 06:38 pm · For: Chapter 1
Try being more descriptive with your writting. Not everything said has to come from a character. Details help describe to the reader how you envision your characters. Descibe how they'd feel like when Naruto dumped paint on Makkenji
Name: nkbz (Signed) · Date: 26/07/12 - 08:46 pm · For: Chapter 1
script fic
Name: Oni Nexus (Signed) · Date: 17/07/12 - 02:18 pm · For: Chapter 5 c-rank to a-rank
this shows some potential, but misspelling japanese names just ercs me for some reason.
Author's Response: Sorry that i am bad about spelling. Well no i found a handy website to help me spell them. :)
Name: Oni Nexus (Signed) · Date: 17/07/12 - 02:15 pm · For: Chapter 3 The new Team 7 and 12
this is prety good so far, just a couple of things. one thing, it is sasuke, not sauske. lol on the paintball thing!
Author's Response: Thanks for telling me! And i think that the paintball thing is the best part of that chappie.
Name: Hazard (Signed) · Date: 18/06/12 - 11:39 pm · For: Chapter 2 The scroll of the sealing
Not going to try and be a downer, but I have a bone to pick with you...
Ok, first off spell check. Re-reading your work is essential or make it very carefully the first time through. Next, this isn't a race. You don't have to finish the story in record time, and nobody is here is rushing you. I'd rather see you take your time to produce a well planned out methodical chapter rather than loading up a whole bunch of scenes into one chapter, and I know it can be a bit word in script form, but you'll get the hang of it. Along with script format is don't try to have it all be conversations and thought, since it's only dialogue you tend to be expecting the readers to know where you are at all times, and depicting the background and area can give the reader a sense of immersion.As for your OC I'm on edge a bit as it seems a bit Mary-Sue. A good character has flaws, those are the kinds of things that attract us to people's OC's, weather they be physical or psychological. It what makes a character truly original, lets the readers connect with them better, and fun to read about.
I see this is your first fic, and I can tell you right now my first wasn't very good, so don't take this as me being an ass, just constructive criticism.
Somethings that may help is creating a pre-write for you're story for plot-line and character traits, re-reading your work or getting a beta-reader, and just getting writing experience. Just keep going at it, since the only way you can learn is by trying.I speak from experience as a writer, reader and someone who has taken college level Lite. and Comp. so I'm just trying to help you out. You have potential to be a really good writer, you just need a bit of "practice" that's all. Keep it up!
Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing. If you read further into the story i took care of most of this. Also i hope to make it better.
Name: Sasaui Uchiha (Signed) · Date: 25/04/12 - 06:54 pm · For: Chapter 7 The battle
First off, it still seems fast paced, but again, still just starting off. And secondly, when Naruto goes all Nine tailed fox, well, Haku doesn't know what's going on. He has no clue about the nine tailed fox within him. I can see why Makkenji would, but Haku doesn't. Other than that, the main problem I had was just how much you jumped forward with everything. This may just be because I'm used to reading novel type writing when it comes to these events, but I dunno.
So, the jutsus you need, do you want them made up or real ones that are in the Naruto world? I just need that clarified really quick.
This was a great chapter, though. I liked it, and you're definitely improving. I can't wait to see what'll happen in the chuunin exams.
Author's Response: Well thanks for reviewing. I can not post for awhile because my computer that i have to post with wont let me on. Jutsus can be real or fake.
Name: Sasaui Uchiha (Signed) · Date: 25/04/12 - 06:32 pm · For: Chapter 6 Tree climbing
Again, angling a little bit towered Mary-sue territory with how well Makkenji is doing. My first oc was a Mary-sue, so I know how easy it is to make one without really fully noticing.
This does seem a little fast paced, but I'm sure you'll get the pacing right as you continue to write. Oh, and one time you did Sasuke: when you meant Sakura:.
Other than those things, nothing too major. It was a good chapter, and I enjoy the conflict between Makkenji and Sasuke. At least they made a truce =D. I can't wait to see what happens next.
Name: Shizake Uchiha (Signed) · Date: 22/04/12 - 06:08 pm · For: Chapter 7 The battle
Sweet! You keep improving every chapter. I like how you've incorporated your team into the mission. I felt like all the events happened a bit too quick but that's what happens when your write script. You can't draw out all the events as long as you'd like, but oh well I go through the same thing. Are team 7 and team 12 going to be deployed together a lot? That would be kinda cool to seem them do a lot of joint missions.
Oh btw Kakashi calls his chidori, lightning blade. Though it's the same thing.
Which Jutsu do you want for each person? Coz everyone has a different chakra nature which would help in developing their jutsu's. Fire,water,wind,earth, and lightning. Just tell me which characters are which Nature and I'll submit some jutsu :)
Keep up the great work! :)
Author's Response: Thank you for responding! Makkenji is water, moria is earth, jeikobu is wind, rogan(his team is back!) fire, kyashi is lightning, and matto earth. This will all be in the next author ch notes.
Name: Shizake Uchiha (Signed) · Date: 22/04/12 - 12:52 pm · For: Chapter 1
Oh wow you definitely have improved. All the scenes are more drawn out which makes it flow better. The "Me" person still bothers me with no name but i'll get over it. Now it's just up to you to perfect this :)
Author's Response: I am turning "Me" into Makkenji. Makkenji was her name before but it was her narrating. Well thanks and more chapters are coming I'm typing on notepad right now.
Name: Shizake Uchiha (Signed) · Date: 05/04/12 - 02:35 pm · For: Chapter 3 The new Team 7 and 12
Ok well I have some constructive criticism if you will. I'm not bashing I promise. First off I would like to say that this is pretty good for your first time as a script author. But the scenes are just too short. You need to drag them out longer and explain all that is going on. This would also help the jumping around from scene to scene. The story is just all over the place. Also I think you should give a bit more background on who "Me" is. Or use a name or something. It would help with the character development. I would recommend checking out my storie(s) but that would sound to needy of me. I just want to help you is all and see this story blossom into something amazing. Hope you continue to write :)
Author's Response: Thank you for telling me! I changed the story using those comments.:]
Name: Sasaui Uchiha (Signed) · Date: 05/04/12 - 06:34 am · For: Chapter 5 c-rank to a-rank
First off, it's Tazuna. Secondly, there's two water ninja. You only showed one being beat. and something I'm just iffy about is how well they did against someone Kakashi struggled against. Some people who read this may think you're making a Mary-Sue.
Other than that, it was pretty good. I can't wait to see team 12 will affect this mission. I'm sure it will be interesting. After all, you sure do have an interesting team. Hehe. Moria fell asleep.
Name: Sasaui Uchiha (Signed) · Date: 05/04/12 - 06:28 am · For: Chapter 4 THE BELL TEST
Hey, if she picks up the gun, I start sending Sasaui and Ryu (two of my ocs) her way.
Anyway, this was a nice chapter. It starts to give us more of a look into Makkenji's team. Their teamwork is pretty good as well. I can't wait to see what their first mission will be. Oh, and I'm just curious. Why is everything centered?
Name: Sasaui Uchiha (Signed) · Date: 04/04/12 - 10:58 am · For: Chapter 3 The new Team 7 and 12
The paintball war was definitely unexpected, but it seems like a fun thing to add. Kiba definitely wasn't thinking when he had his one team attack two teams together. Anyway, this was another nice chapter. I can't wait to read more of it!
Author's Response: My brother gave me the paintball war idea. Thank you for commenting. Also thank you for not dying.
Name: Sasaui Uchiha (Signed) · Date: 04/04/12 - 10:55 am · For: Chapter 2 The scroll of the sealing
Haha. Yeah, your brother sure sounds nice. I mean, at least he's not using a flame-thrower *rolls eyes*. Anyway, this was a good chapter. Makkenji seems like a caring girl. I'm sure that she will make it far. I just wonder if she'll find her mother now that she's a ninja. And there want really anything wrong with this chapter. It was a good way of adding Makkenji into things. Overall nice job.
Author's Response: Yeah we are gratful. I just decided to add some mystry. Thanks for commenting!
Name: Shizake Uchiha (Signed) · Date: 03/04/12 - 05:24 pm · For: Chapter 1
Sweet! Another author that writes in script format! Well this is good for starting out! I definitely see a lot of myself in this writing :P If you need any pointers feel free to contact me!
Author's Response: Thank you for commenting! Luckily you didn't die. I told everyone that they wouldn't die when they reviewed. Maybe.
Name: Sasaui Uchiha (Signed) · Date: 03/04/12 - 01:45 pm · For: Chapter 1
Well, for starters, you misspelled Mizuki. There's only one 'z'. Other than that, it seems like a good starting point. It kinda reminds me of how I wrote when I first started but in play format. It's pretty good so far, but I can't say too much since it's just starting. Oh, and another thing I noticed was how Makkenji's friends sorta seemed to just be there without much importance. Other than that, I just saw little things that I think have to do with it being your first time. Have you read other fanfictions yet? That seems to help people learn to write better so you may improve. Again, for your first time and with a play format, it's pretty good.
Author's Response: Thank you for commenting. I have not posted the next two chapters in what everyone becomes more important. Again thanks for commenting and not dying!