i love this and i cant wait till the next chapter
Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review and thanks for reading!
This fight was so good! Definitely one of my favorites because I think I could relate to Etsuyo and what she was feeling. Insult the family, and you are so dead.
I especially liked her speech about how she didn't want to use a strategy similar to her teammates because she wanted to prove Ikki wrong. That was my favorite part.
I thought it was interesting that after Ikki kept insulting her, he had a sudden change of heart. It's quite surprising that he felt so bad for her, but I guess that is what happens with respect as well. The fact that she beat him made him respect her just a little bit more.
I also liked Ikki because I feel like you developed him a bit more than you did with the other Grass shinobi. I wouldn't mind seeing him again to have an encounter or something with Etsuyo ;)
Great work on this chapter! It came out wonderfully, though with admittedly a few grammar mistakes. But it was still a great read. Keep up the awesome work!
Author's Response: Yay! Thanks so much! I guess I write better when I DO listen to some action music. I'll have to continue doing that. And there probably are grammar mistakes, since I finally uploaded and pre-read pretty late so my eyes were going a little crazy. o.O haha. I'll find and fix them. :) Thanks again!
Aww, poor Yumika, I really do feel bad for her... Haha, don't worry, your summaries of the other matches wasn't lame at all. It was much quicker than having to read something I've probably seen a hundred times already :P
Anyway, nice chapter! It's good to see you back. I hope you update soon! Keep up the awesome work!
Wahoo! Updates :D
Author's Response: Right? It's about freaking time. I hope you enjoyed this fight scene and will continue reading when I get more chapters up!
Wow. That was so awesome! I absolutely love it. It's definitely an interesting twist to the whole Uchiha sibling plot. I really love stories that can use a frequently used plot and make it into something mind blowing. And I can tell you that you so have. This chapter was amazing. I liked the talk between Ayako and Sasuke. And I really liked Sasuke threatening Naruto. That was pretty funny.
Author's Response: Thanks, I really tried to make this story as awesome as it apparently is. I truthfully thought that the first 5-6 chapters, not including the the first, was pretty rough and not very good. But thank you for letting me know that you enjoy them. I hope you continue reading, and loving my story!
*jaw drops* So... awesome...
Not only was this an epic fight, but it also showed some insight into Yumika's background, which was amazing as well. You tied it all together so well, and this chapter came out wonderfully.
I liked this chapter a lot. Yumika's dark past and abilities were really incredible, and it makes me wonder about her character as a whole. That goes for the entire Team Shizen, actually...
Great job on this! Keep up the awesome work!
Author's Response: Yay it was good! Writing the darker part of this chapter really made me excited for the Yumika arc...I hope you are too! Thanks for your review!
Oh crap, I thought you were serious about the KakashiXAyako thing. Yeesh...
Now this chapter was much better than the previous one. This one had a much better flow with it. The description was awesome, and Ayako's reaction to... well, everything was brilliantly portrayed. I was on the edge of my seat for this one.
When Ayako finally snapped on Orochimaru, the dialogue between them was so intense, and then my growing suspicions were confirmed when he offered Ayako to come to him as well. *shivers* Yikes...
Excellent job with this chapter! I liked this one a lot more, as your style was much better in this. Keep up the great work!
Author's Response: To be honest I wrote this one before I finished the other one ^_^ because I had the urge to and it just came to me. Haha you thought I was serious? no no no that wouldn't be very realistic in the story, besides I have other plans :) Well, thanks for your thoughts again! I'm glad you liked this.
Yeah, I can somewhat see that you had trouble with this one. It sadly didn't have that natural flow that you had obtained in your previous chapters. I think you struggled with trying to keep things in Ayako's point of view.
But since this story is in third person, I don't think the fight needs to be seen only through Ayako's perspective. You can still keep it in that ominous point of view.
But I do look forward to seeing what Ayako finds when she goes with Sasuke ;) Well, I'm off to read the next chapter.
Author's Response: Yeah...I'll be trying to edit this one as soon as I have time. It really needs revising :( but thanks for your thoughts!
Now that was an incredible fight. Sachida, no matter how much of a piece of scum he is, was actually a decent fighter. Considering his personality earlier in the story, I thought he would be relatively weak. I'm glad you actually made him 'somewhat' worthy, though I did like the classic brain vs brawn comparison. Sachida didn't stand a chance against Ayako, but I'm impressed with the battle that unfolded between them. Excellent job. Keep up the great work.
Author's Response: Thanks for your thoughts. I really appreciated them and I'm really glad you're liking this story. In the beginning I was going to make Ayako be the one to beat the snot out of him and she'd win that way, but then I remembered what is supposed to happen later on but also the fact that, Sachida was supposed to come off as a blunt, ignorant character. So basing it off that, I realized why not write it this way, and have Ayako be the smart one and play around with it. Anyway, thanks again and I hope you continue reading. :)
Yup, definitely worth the wait XD
Great work! It was just as epic as you said it would be! And more too! This was absolutely and utterly amazing! And I was honestly very proud of Ayako when she never actually hit him in the end with her water spike. That was very mature of her and it even showed that she was the better fighter, especially when he passed out :P
Excellent work with this! I was very impressed with the whole thing. Keep up the good work!
Author's Response: Oh thank goodness! I thought it wasn't good enough. :( But now that you like it, I'm happy! :) She is meant to be a mature type person, so I tried to make her seem that way as she fights, especially with her last move (which was my favorite part!) Thanks for your thoughts! They really keep me going! :D
Ayako officially kicks ass!
BWahaha, the scene with her and Naruto cracked me up :P
Author's Response: Hell yeah she does! :) And I know right? It actually made me crack up when I thought about it! Thanks for the review :)
This. Was. AWESOME!!!
Yeah, your story rocks, period. I absolutely love it. The reunion was great, and I love the originality. That, and I love your ocs. They're all really cool. Especially Ayako. Great job. No, let me fix that. PHENOMENAL job.
Author's Response: Oh thank you!...Again haha. To be honest you are a really good writer and for you to like MY story is just fantastic. Thanks so much!
Wow... Just wow.
This was amazing! It was just so great. I loved every second of it. I hate the fact that it is going to be forever, though. Seeing all the hate she has to go through, I think it's wrong to take her parents from her when she seems to partly/mostly (not sure which one) be doing this to make them proud. I loved it, though, and I can't wait to read the next chapter. Which I can =D
Author's Response: Awww Thank you! I'm so grateful that you love this! I really hope you continue too as well. :) And I know, I'm such an awful person (lol). Thanks for reading!
Wahoo! Update! :P
Loved it even if it was a bit dull. Trust me, I understand the pain of trying to make info interesting ToT lol
Now I'm uber excited though! The next chaps gonna rock! WAHOO! o(^.^)o
And here I was, expecting the typical Sasuke vs what-his-face match. And then WHAM! You throw that in, and I'm quite proud, actually. It's so nice to see some more twists, nice thinking ;D
I'm so excited for the epic rematch! Oh, so you have your reasons for Sasuke not going first, eh? Well, I can't wait to see what you have in store. Great work on this one, I actually like how you took the time to describe what happened while Team Shizen was hanging around in their room. It's a nice change of pace that no one actually takes the time to describe, and I like how you did it.
Awesome job with this chapter, you're really improving on this story, and it's becoming very exceptional. Nice job, keep up the amazing work!
Author's Response: All intended my faithful reader, all intended. Haha so I'm glad you're excited to read it because I'm excited to write it! Which I am starting to right now. :DrnAnd I'm glad you liked my little descriptions. I personally thought they were boring. But at least I did something pretty original. rnLastly, I can't thank you enough for reading and reviewing. I really appreciate it and I will try and make the fight scene mind blowing!
Wow, this seems really good! I did think Ayako and Sasuke were kind of close to be considered 'long lost siblings', I guess the phrase would be. But you really cleared that all up when it came to Orochimaru's big arrival, and it flowed right into the story.
I think this is going very good so far. I can't wait to read more :D
Author's Response: Why thank you so much. I'm glad you like it! :) And I hope you will continue too.
Yet another great scene! :D Can't wait to see the preliminaries because Ayako will kick ass lol
Author's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing!
Hmm, this story is really good :D Can't wait to read more!
Author's Response: Thanks a bunch! I'm glad you liked it and don't worry the next chapter is coming real soon. :)
Wow, nice! I think it really is starting to flow a lot better. With BattyBigSister's advice, I think you were able to find your footing with this and make it seem more realistic. And you're showing a bit more of Ayako's emotions. Good job! I think you tied in a lot of loose ends with personalities, emotions, and actions and such in this chapter. Excellent work!
For the question, I think I would want to cut off Orochimaru's head when his neck is super long. I really think that would be interesting if someone did that :P
Good work with this chapter. Keep up the great work, I hope the next chapters come out just as good as these last two!
Author's Response: Phew...*wipes forehead* if only I could've written this good from the beginning. :( But anyways, I'm glad you liked this and thank you for being such a faithful reader! I really appreciate it. As for your answer to my question I thought it was great. I imagined it myself and it actually made me think why they didn't do that in the real Naruto Show. Ya know? Well thanks again, and I agree with you on that last part. I hope I write the next chapters as good as I did with these two.
Wow! This was amazing! You really went into depth about what Ayako was feeling and thinking, and I think it really paid off. This was a great chapter. Nice job.
For the question... Well, as I said, I think it was great, and your writing was very good in this chapter. I think if you write the following chapters with this much insight and depth, all will be good.
*nods head* Yeah, this one is a lot cooler. And more realistic. Good work, everything seemed a lot better. It was an epic fight with a great flow to it.
For 3, I think your characters are really cool. You really did start showing more of their individual personalities during the exams, second round especially.
For 4, I think Ayako will try to change her brother, but she will be disappointed that he would resort to actually wanting and enjoying the power of the seal.
Nice job so far, keep up the good work!
Author's Response: Thank you so much. I honestly feel a little dumb for not writing it this way in the first place! Also, I'm glad that you like my O.C.s and are responding to the questions. Hope you keep reading! :)
Not bad. More detail would be nice, but you have improved vastly from the early chapters. Remember that your readers are already familiar with a lot of this scene, so you have to work extra hard to keep it interesting.
Ayako's refusal to fight struck me as a bit weird though. I understood your reasons, but 2 on 3 are always better odds than letting one person get beaten up & then going in alone. Even with the reason you gave - she could have stepped in half-way through when she'd had some time to observe. After all Lee wanted her help & that's why he went to fetch her... and she's supposed to be very powerful... Letting him get beaten like that just seems cruel, pointless and possibly stupid.
3: Not bad. You've started to let them show a little more of their individual personalities. For a while hey came across as very similar...
There were quite a few errors in Nishiya's speech. Otherwise it was quite a nice scene. I enjoyed the description of the bird song at the beginning of the chapter.
1: Because she's secretly phobic of blowflies... and somehow they always seem to end up on the test. ;0) That wasn't intended as a serious answer, however you've clearly gone out of your way to give her some kind of insecurity regarding her own clan that makes her feel she shouldn't be there, especially given that she had to leave the village as a child. Beyond that, I couldn't say. Possibly her clan pride themselves on working discretely from the shadows?
The beginning was actually quite funny. Well done. Again there were quite a few errors in the writing and some of the description (and the action) could have used padding out. Otherwise not a bad chapter.
2:She's being attacked by a giant mosquito. ... Or possibly an old friend.
Did you write out the dialogue from memory? I could be wrong - but some elements didn't ring quite true with what I remembered. I know it's AU & therefore it doesn't have to be identical, but try to keep the flow & style of the dialogue similar. Here it often felt a bit hurried and summarised - which meant it lost a lot of impact compared against the original scene.
Otherwise this was okay. A little more detail would have been nice though.
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