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The Original Naruto Fanfic Archive

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Any Naruto fanfiction focused without romantic orientation, on a canon character in the current Naruto Universe.
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Any Naruto fanfiction with the main plot orientating around male same sex couples.
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Name: Karnia (Anonymous) · Date: 01/04/13 - 08:30 pm · For: Snake Eyes
I don’t want to know what Tsunade has hidden in her boobs…personally. But yes, if I was Rayne, I would have wondered about that too.
Again, I am not sure about Rayne being so involved in this whole story arc. In my opinion, even if she is being protected by the Leaf and is generally believed to be a good person, this is a matter of village-security. Rayne is from the Cloud, a village with long standing hostilities against Konoha; I am just not sure if Jiraiya would want to bring and outsider on such an important mission.
However, even if she did come I think it would be important for Rayne to actually think about her place there. When Tsunade was being her rude-self in the beginning, even though Rayne was offended, is would be interesting if she made herself hold her tongue. It would have caused some intriguing story lines, especially when Naruto thought she would speak out against Tsunade. If Rayne finally did have a slip of tongue, I think in village affairs like these it would be odd if Tsunade didn’t say anything about it and telling Rayne to butt out. To be honest, what goes down with the Hokage and the Leaf village really is not Rayne’s business and I can see Tsunade, at this time period, thinking this and definitely pointing it out. Assuming that Tsunade knows who she is; she recognised her as a Bijuu and seemed to know her by name, so I can only imagine. However, Bijuu are closely guarded secrets, so I do have to wonder about Tsunade seeming to know who she is.
This sentence seems to contradict Tsunade’s earlier reaction to Rayne. “Jiraiya! Where the hell did you find this girl?!” Mostly because it seemed like Tsunade knew her from the surprise in her eyes when Jiraiya said her name. As for the technique Rayne used, I have never seen Rayne use Earth jutsu, from what I can remember, so this seems very sue-ish. You may want to consider revision. She mentions it’s popular, but the idea that a Genin knows more than one element style at such a young age comes across as a bit odd. Naruto doesn’t even learn a different element until he’s like sixteen. I could see if Rayne was actually a higher level of Kunoichi from the Kumo, but she seems to be only Genin there too. I don’t know, it just strikes me as OP, but I understand why you did it. Everyone wants their character to be badass.
I really liked what Jiraiya told Rayne about a Shinobi’s feelings being his greatest strength, because there are moments where Jiraiya is profoundly wise. I think hearing that is good for Rayne. However, I kind of wished Jiraiya would have warned Rayne about falling in love with someone like Sasuke. You know what I mean? I found it interesting how she confided in him and it must have been wonderful to get it off of her chest. BUT…how did he recognise the necklace? Did he recognise that maybe she touched if often or something? I don’t recall ever seeing anything where Jiraiya interacted with Sasuke’s mom, but you could always just say he knew her.

Author's Response: I wasn't really being that critical when I wrote this, and that wasn't something that crossed my mind. I really have nothing to say to your criticism. Not because I don't want to have a conversation about it, I'm just soaking it up and retaining what you've said, so I hope you don't think it's rude of me to not have much of a comment on it. I'm just listening and taking it in (: Again, Jiraiya magically seeing the necklace was something I asked myself about when I re-read this. I'll have to write it in when I revise xD


Name: Karnia (Anonymous) · Date: 01/04/13 - 07:31 pm · For: I am Woman, Hear Me Roar!
Puberty hit me so freaking hard. I just find it funny that it hit right on her thirteenth birthday. I think it would have been less cliché to say it had been happening over the summer, but she couldn’t go any longer without a bra. For me when I started developing, I was eleven and I had the worst chest pains. I was a size D by grade nine. I was fourteen years old and had the biggest chest in school…It was awful. =(
I don’t think I will be pleased if Rayne learns Rasengan…I have always seen something special in that technique for Naruto, like it’s a remnant of his father and Jiraiya. Maybe I am being a bit too picky? I am not sure. I like how she is spending time with Naruto, but I felt she was able to do too much too fast. I think if Rayne really sucked at it, and Naruto then was able to show her how to pop the hole in the ball (even though he is supposed to make it explode) it would have massively increased his confidence. I just think a scene like that would have added a bit more to the story.
My god, Naruto is so dense, but strangely, I can see him asking to sleep on her boobs. -_- Poor Rayne, she is now the object of interest.

Author's Response: Yeah, I think a sentence like her reflecting on how much she hated developing over time would have helped in the chapter. For me, I took so long to develop. I think I started when I was 11 too, but they were just mosquito bites. I was definitely late, and I really didn't have much until I finally reached a B in 10th grade. Then I came to a halt my senior year with a C cup.. Ah, a womanly heart to heart on boobies.

When I read this over I immediately wanted to take it out. What I was thinking at the time was that Rayne is familiar with the Wind element, and she expands on that in the sequel, but you're right, she did pick up on the technique too quickly. In fact, if I edit this, I'm just going to take it out all together. Though, I might go with your suggestion about Rayne's terrible example adding fuel to Naruto's fire! Thank you!


Name: Karnia (Anonymous) · Date: 29/03/13 - 07:31 pm · For: Bonds of Hatred
WHY WOULD RAYNE SAY THOSE THINGS IN FRONT OF SASUKE!? SHE COULD HAVE JUST LIED AND SAID HER FACE WAS RED FROM RUNNING. SHE COULD HAVE SAID ITACHI GRABBED HER AND MADE HER LISTEN TO HIM RAMBLE ON ABOUT ULTIMATUMS AND DUTY!!!! >.< RAYNE YOU DUMBY! NOW SASUKE IS EVEN MORE PISSED OFF.
To be honest though, Sasuke would have been more pissed off with a confession like that. It would have been interested if he just flipped the lid, or asked for his mom’s necklace back, or told her that she’s dead to him. You know what I mean? Like Sasuke isn’t even in full control of his emotions, so he would be feeling so much betrayal right now.
This scene was my favourite to write out for my story and I enjoyed it no less in yours. You did a better job characterising Itachi in this chapter than you did in the previous one and it made it a lot more enjoyable. Good job. =)
Not sure how I feel about Rayne going with Jiraiya and Naruto, mainly because for even him, protecting two Jinchuuriki would be hard. I think she would honestly be safer in the village because Itachi can’t seem to hurt her for some reason, but let’s see if you prove me wrong.

I cannot wait for you to read this scene in my chapter. :)

Author's Response: Bahah, I don't know if you've picked up on this yet, but the fact is Rayne can't bring herself to lie to Sasuke. Same goes with Orochimaru; she couldn't lie to him when she saw him again. But, she can lie to Sakura, Naruto, and even herself. You're right, Sasuke does react instantly without thinking sometimes (most of the time). Him asking for the necklace back didn't cross my mind.. Or maybe he'd just Chidori his way through the rest of the forest, hoping the falling timber would crush Rayne as she scrambled behind him.

You know, when I got to this point, I spent a lot of time thinking about where I wanted to throw Rayne. I never wanted to make my story all SasuxOC, and if Rayne stayed behind, that'd be a three month gap I'd have to fill of just her in the village with him. I didn't really think about what I could do, like having them go on missions without Naruto, because again, I didn't want there to be too much interaction between Sasuke and Rayne where they just got together too quick.. Plus, I wanted Rayne to see Orochimaru again, so I wanted her to go with Jiraiya and Naruto.


Name: Karnia (Anonymous) · Date: 29/03/13 - 07:09 pm · For: Crimson Nightmare
FINALLY RAYNE AND ITACHI…I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOREVEEEEEER.
However, be warned, Itachi is the character I do best with in characterisation. More so than Sasuke, I am ever the strict one with my favourite Uchiha.
First off, Itachi doesn’t curse. He reacts calmly to all situations in battle with little-to-no emotion. Sasuke is an exception later on. ”Itachi growled and cursed as he saw Orochimaru heading for him.” I feel like Itachi is more likely to narrow his eyes into a glare during this part, rather than growl and curse. I also don’t think Itachi would tell Rayne that Orochimaru attempted to take his body; he is very private about his affairs and past, so he would more likely tell her “better I than him,” when Rayne said that Itachi would kill her. Why I say this is because Itachi quite often has inside information, so by that fact, and that he also saw Rayne kick Orochimaru in the back when he showed up to reclaim his property, he would probably know she doesn’t like him. Itachi is incredibly good at playing off of other people’s weaknesses and fears. Itachi would more likely just tell her that not even Orochimaru can defeat him, so she doesn’t stand a chance.
AND HOLY SHIT! Our OC’s are fucking living parallel lives here. Itachi ALSO helps Hikari in a way that WILL save her life during the first story. You must read to that part, because it’s my favourite chapter. =3
However, Itachi often makes plans and tells no one. I don’t think he’s tell Rayne he’s trying to help her. He tries to make everyone believe he is cold and ruthless. He would just do it and be ominously silent about it, because Itachi is a badass like that.
I could see Itachi saying this, “That’s crude language coming from a person of your age…” but not the sentence that follows. It’s kind of too bold for him, if that makes sense. However, I do agree that Itachi manages to be scary, yet so sexy at the same time. I absolutely love him. XD RAYNE DID NOT JUST GRAB ITACHI LIKE THAT. I find it kind of funny to be honest, because both Rayne and Hikari grab Itachi. Hikari in a much more subtle way, but it happens. God, I love how many similarities I find. It truly makes me think that great-minds think alike? But dude, Rayne is bold. I would be afraid for her, probably thinking she is going to die.
Hmm, I think you’re characterization of Itachi needs quite some work. He reveals too much to Rayne. I didn’t mind where he talked about an ultimatum and her duty, because he is usually cryptic like that, but in a lot of cases he flat out said too much for Itachi.
I hope I am not coming off as a know-it-all here. =( Totally not meaning to be one!

Author's Response: Thanks for the advice. I had a hard time trying to keep Itachi in character for this, because while I wanted to keep him in character, I wanted to make him seem out of character because Rayne was there and he intends to use her for...things....and stuff.. >__> So that was difficult to do. I wanted to make it evident that Itachi acted different around her, but I might have over done that. Funny, I definitely thought you'd complain about Rayne even grabbing Itachi xD My prediction was off with this one.

LOL. I will definitely read all of it! I'm excited to continue your story so I can get to the sequel, because I know how excited you are about that (:

And, no worries, you don't come off as a know-it-all. You've spend more time characterizing Itachi in your stories, so you have more experience. With this story, and the sequel, he's only going to be written in four times all together (at least that's what I plan for now). I don't take your criticism as you being mean, I take it as you like my story, and that's why you care to help me improve it.


Name: Karnia (Anonymous) · Date: 29/03/13 - 03:20 pm · For: When One Door Closes
Why does Rayne know about EVERY jutsu someone uses? She’s never struck by surprise. Is there a reason she knows the sealing jutsu that bound the Kyuubi, because even Naruto doesn’t know that until much later. She seems to have too much inside knowledge, because every time someone does a jutsu she seems to know what it does.
When I began to read the flashbacks for Rayne, Kin and Zaku, I thought they would be horribly cheesy, but I actually liked them. They showed a lot of why she liked Zaku in the past and how Kin had been a really good friend of hers, something that was lacking in the earlier chapters and made her relationship with them feel kind of spontaneous. However, what I think I liked about them most is the fact that they gave her another thing to hate Orochimaru for and another reason to kill him.
Uh, this line, “Rayne grew closer to Orochimaru, who gasped in fear,” kind of bothers me. Even when Orochimaru was fighting Naruto in tailed-beast mode, he never once showed fear that I can remember. He has always been an incredibly stoic character when it came to fighting, I think up until Sasuke supresses him. I don’t know, maybe I am being nit-picky?
In the end, I liked this chapter. I really liked the end and seeing the unity of her and cell seven. I also liked the part where the village thanked her for trying to save the Hokage. It touched my heart and almost made my eyes water. I don't really cry that easy when it comes to reading, but this was close.

Author's Response: I think when I right I get too carried away because I know so much information, and I get so excited that I want to cram it all in, but it seems really out of place. And you're right, it is very strange that she'd know all the jutsu that she sees, and isn't phased by anything. Especially since she isn't even from Konoha..But she knows jutsu that they use. Mental fight with myself over this.

Were they cheesy? xD I wouldn't really know myself.. I just wrote them. I really admire the way Kishimoto doesn't reveal things in the present, and that they come along later in the story line. So, in that respect, I suppose I was trying to shadow Rayne's relationship with the Sound Trio in mystery? Especially her relationship with Zaku.. mmm, I dunno.

Again, you're right. Orochimaru really isn't ever phased, but I can tell you what I was going for. Fatal flaw, trying to make your OC badass and write canon characters OOC so readers can be in awe of the "awesome" that is your character.. :I I can say I'm glad you liked the end, because I personally thought it was the weakest part of the chapter. I noticed I have a hard time writing about people being extremely upset, and stuttering while crying and such as Rayne did here.. So I thought it was weak. I'm really happy you liked it, and I'm even happier you felt them feels, bro!!! I cried when I wrote the end, and my eyes have watered when I've re-read it.


Name: Karnia (Anonymous) · Date: 28/03/13 - 06:54 pm · For: Four Corners; The Konoha Invasion
To be honest, just because Gaara is only the single tailed beast doesn’t mean he isn’t unusually strong for a Jinchuuriki. It took everything Naruto had to beat him. Rayne is awfully confident, when Gaara usually scares everyone.
Uh, Rayne seems like a bit of a know-it-all in this chapter. She knows everything about Gaara, the way his jutsu works and how Shikaku has no control over sand. She knows the barrier jutsu, despite that fact that she was only in the sound village for a year. Studying up on the Sound Five isn’t so weird, but I kind of feel like Rayne was just reciting facts back to me in this chapter that I already knew. I don’t know why, but I just felt like Rayne didn’t mesh so well in this chapter with the other characters. I hope to see how the next goes though.

Author's Response: Rayne was in the Sound Village for 2 years, from the time she was about 8 until she was 10 years old. Maybe I made that unclear? @_@ Sorry. I'm not being all "I'm correcting you and being a jerk," I'm just re-informing you... ;x; Dun hate me. Again, Rayne has information because of Rokobi and his familiarization with the beasts. I actually read on a site (whether it be fan based hypothesis or actual facts, I don't really know) about the tailed beasts having fought with one another. And while I did research on the Rokubi no Raijuu, it had a list of who he had fought, and Shukaku was listed (which would explain why she has conflict when she first saw him back in chapter 11, if you ever wondered). Again, that might not be actual fact, but since that was the "information" on the Raijuu I received, I refer to that.

This chapter might be another result of me trying to stick so close to the plot line that it actually puts Rayne out of place. I've noticed that happens sometimes, and it'll have to be something I keep in mind. Because I want everything to be so damn perfect >:I


Name: Karnia (Anonymous) · Date: 28/03/13 - 04:48 pm · For: 16000 Yen on Naruto Uzumaki!
Oh, even exchanging of gifts is significant in both of our stories. However for mine, it’s bad. Very badly significant!
So, for starters, I misread the beginning of this chapter and thought Naruto was naked when he grabbed Rayne and jumped out the window, because all I read was that he tore his pajamas off. -_-
For some reason, I am picturing the bull running and an anime-comic like Rayne holding onto its reigns with one hand while she flapped in the wind like a flag behind it. -_-
When Rayne got into the arena, I think she would have gotten into some trouble because she wasn’t a contestant and kind of disturbed everyone with Naruto. I think a good scolding could have been in order by the proctor, or someone. Maybe Sakura, because she is motherly. I could see her doing that. And does Rayne actually know Hinata? She got there after the academy and I don’t recall her ever meeting Hinata. I am sure it probably happened behind scenes somewhere, but it just feels awkward for her to grab her like that and then be all like ‘CHEER FOR NARUTO.’
Also, in my head, Kotetsu has always been the one I thought was super-hot. Lol. I have a little crush on Kotetsu, whenever I see him in the anime, I get all giddy. But, Izumo is pretty sexy too. I have always liked them both, but Kotetsu is my favourite.
Perhaps you could answer a question I have had for a while. Naruto says he has failed the graduation test multiple times. So that means he stayed behind in the academy and could not become a Genin. Does that mean that Sasuke and Sakura have also flunked the test before? I just don’t get why they graduated at the same time. It’s not like Naruto has been there longer than them…they’re all the same age and from what I can tell they all joined the academy around the same time. I don’t understand! >.< HELP! Tehe.
I have always wondered if maybe I am not understanding the structural system of the academy, or maybe if the whole thing might be a plot-hole.

Author's Response: >_> Well I thought it would be assumed that Naruto changed into his clothes, pervert ;P Bahah, I'm joking. Well, Rayne did meet Hinata during the first phase of the Chunin Exams, but she didn't really enact with her outside of that. It could have happened behind the scenes through natural occurance...but hey, Rayne gets over excited and wouldn't care to grab someone and make them do as she says. Especially since she knows Hinata has a thing for Naruto, and she likes to make people look like an ass.

YES!!!!! SOMEONE ELSE WHO THINKS THE DUO IS SEXY!!! I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE!!!!!!! xDDDD Oh Lord, I lol'd when I read what you wrote about Kotetsu. Have you seen the extra clip from one of the episodes where Kotetsu is eating syrup, and Izumo barges in? I favorited a video on Youtube that has like 3 funny scenes between the two. I'll have to show you on DeviantART is you don't know what I'm talking about.

In reference to your question, I've never put much thought into that. I can say I used to think Naruto was older than the others by at least a year because he had failed the exam, but when I saw the manga chapter with the flashback to a pregnant Kushina and Mikoto talking about new born Sasuke, I realized he wasn't. So, it could be a plot hole.. Because we do only see him take the exam once or twice? I don't really remember.. That's a good point.. NOT KNOWING THE ANSWER IS GOING TO BOTHER ME NOW, THANK YOU.


Name: Karnia (Anonymous) · Date: 26/03/13 - 08:59 pm · For: Me, Myself, and My Bijuu
“KEEP WALKING TO YOUR DEATH BED, GRAMPS AND STAY OUT OF IT!”
Again, I love Rayne. She is so bold, something her and Hikari do have in common. Gah! It’s the moments like these that make me love this story. ^^
How does Rayne know about the ten-tails? I am pretty sure no one knew about that part until much later when Tobi told people…
QUESTION: Can Orochimaru actually inhabit the body of a Jinchuuriki? I don’t think he can to be honest, there are already two people in one body, I think he would destroy the Bijuu inside of her…but maybe that’s why he’s doing it? Orochimaru doesn’t want the Akatsuki to have said beasts. Just wondering.

Author's Response: Boldness makes for comic relief. I'm much more bold in my head than I am in person, and I liked making a character that had something I lacked. I think at some point it's mentioned in the original story when they talk about the Sage of Six Paths? I don't know, it could, or it couldn't be. Again, it's just me making Rayne seem all knowing. Other than that, the only thing I can say to defend her knowledge is that Rokobi is knowledgeable, so she attains information through him. That'd be my only excuse, but during my fabled revising, I'll look into that more. And to answer the question about Orochimaru, I have no idea. I tried to think of ways to make Rokobi work since he isn't an original bijuu, just Japanese folklore, and I don't think I really asked myself what plot holes I was creating.


Name: Karnia (Anonymous) · Date: 26/03/13 - 08:37 pm · For: Curse My Morality!
“Rayne was startled by the question. Impressed by what? His good looks? His deep eyes? His thin lips? His straight teeth? His warmth? The way he smells? The way his body fit perfectly with hers on the couch? ‘No, not really.’”
Aaaaa-mazing. I loved that because I totally saw it coming. I know Rayne! Tehe!
As for Sakura, does Rayne even feel likely bad that Sasuke totally digs her and not pinky? Like, how can she hear Sakura talk like that and not think, ‘boy, I am a terrible person.’ Like usually, at least here in Ontario, us girls don’t go after our friend’s crushes.

Just wondering, Sakura is supposed to be her friend.

Author's Response: Love that line, too. So her xD Rayne does feel bad for Sakura, and it will come up later when the shit hits the fan. Well...Rayne isn't totally going after him...he's just, ya'know, being him and stuff... Good looking, has deep eyes, thin lips, straight teeth.. xD I know what you mean. I've had this problem myself with some friends, but as my mom always tells me, eyes were made for looking!


Name: Karnia (Anonymous) · Date: 26/03/13 - 08:25 pm · For: To the Birthday Boy
“And that’s that end of this conversation….”
Oh, how I hate Ino. You go Rayne, you tell her.
I always got the impression that Sasuke didn’t live in the compound anymore, but in an apartment. I have no idea if this is true, but it was always what I thought.
Oh, gosh I LOVE Sasuke’s playful side. One of my favourites to write and see. The “You hit like a girl.” Sentence almost killed me, especially when Rayne then proceeded to call him a little bitch.
If I was Rayne I also would not want Sasuke to change.
Wow, Sasuke gave Rayne his mom’s necklace? I would have had trouble accepting something like that to be honest. I would be honoured by the gesture, but to take something his mom wore every day would be hard. It only seems slightly out of place though to be honest, I have to say, that so far I am really loving this chapter.
So, while it was cheesy, I am a sucker for cheesy, especially when it’s fluffy! :3
Gosh, you did a better job making Sasuke admit his feelings than I did, but I think at times Sasuke said too much, if you get what I mean.
But oh my, I did REALLY like this chapter. I mean it. The gesture was amazing. Unfortunately, as you will see in Hebi No Ko, Sasuke’s birthday went badly for Hikari…
Anyways, so I am starting to consider you one of my internet buddies, if that isn’t weird. I really like this site, I have made friends with a couple of people and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. :D

Author's Response: Again, just like when I mentioned Kakashi's apartment in my review. No one freakin' knows what's what! I always compare a few episodes.. Episode 3, where Sasuke is in that house eating, and Team 10 is looking down on him. He looks like he's in an apartment. The episode before Sasuke learns Itachi was in the village, he's going down to one of the Uchiha ruin.. shrine things that I can't name right now. Would that be by his apartment? Or would it be in the compound? Then the episode where he leaves Konoha. His room is GIANT, and it has a huge bay window that overlooks the village (or is it the compound?) I wish they'd include stuff like this in the character data books or something >:X

I really miss writing this Sasuke.. It was so much fun to add comments like that. It might seem out of place, and one thing I might have been able to do in order to improve is write more interaction between Rayne and Sasuke before he actually gives her the necklace. Show more of a build in their friendship before he accepts her like he does in this chapter, because this gift exchanging ends up being essential to the story line.

Totally cheesy, yeah, but I think Sasuke would be too stupid in terms of love to NOT say something cheesy xD Bahah. I really like this chapter myself, despite parts I read and tell myself, "well, you could have done this..." But I'm really happy to see that you liked this chapter since it's a favorite of mine (:

I was going to write "frieeeeends," but then I said it to myself in Gollum's voice and weirded myself out... I've had internet buds, mostly from DeviantART, since I was thirteen, so no, it isn't weird at all (: I'm happy to be considered a friend now, especially to a fellow author whose opinions and personality (as much of it as I get to see through writing and comments) I enjoy (:


Name: Karnia (Anonymous) · Date: 23/03/13 - 08:26 pm · For: Setback
I stand corrected about Rayne’s hearing. XD
Believe it or not, what I really like about reading these chapters is that they’re inspiring me to go back and fix the chapters for my story with Hikari in it faster. I have been taking my time, but every time I read, I wanna fix stuff up in mine because I am reminded about how much I love the Chuunin Exam arc.
As for updating on time, I use to live by a strict schedule of weekly…but then I caught up to the Manga. I am on a Hiatus right now with my actually Hikari series until the Manga gets some progress ahead of me. Once classes are done and over with, I think I am going to start up again in mid-April. I can totally see where you’re coming from about needing the right feeling to write, because boy, do I ever need to be in the right mind frame. Though something I do often is wear a hoodie when I write…I don’t know why, but the hood over my head makes me feel like all my thoughts are staying put and helps me focus.
NOW ONTO TO THE CHAPTER!
First of all, I loved this line. “After spending five days in the forest, and battling Yoroi, he was bruised, beaten, scarred, and exhausted - he looked gorgeous.”
O.o….that line, up above, is art.
And if I was Sasuke and, not just Rayne, but ANYONE was touching my hair with spit-covered fingers, someone would leave with their arm broken. Just saying.
ZOMG! YOU DID NOT JUST STEER FROM THE ORIGINAL PLOT-LINE. THAT WAS KAKASHI’S JOB FOR A REASON! Sorry to yell, but I am kind of super-duper strict about straying away from plotlines. I understand why you did it, but in reality, I highly doubt Kakashi would have trusted a sealing so important to the hands of a thirteen-year-old.
As for Sasuke crawling away from Rayne who had just ripped his shirt off, I am sure he is thinking that Kakashi teamed up with a fan-girl to lead him to a dark and far away room where no one can hear him scream when she rapes him. Just had to point that out! XD Now after sealing the mark, she is stroking his chest…this should be bringing up warning signs. She has weakened him, and he is her perfect prey. ISWEARIAMJUSTKIDDING.
I know Rayne wouldn’t do that, but the thought amuses me.
ZOMG. I am assuming that Rayne was born on the day the beast was sealed in her, so if that is the case, her birthday is August 16 and Hikari’s is August 17. O.o Awesome! But if not, Rayne’s sealing date is the day before Hikari’s birthday, which is still pretty coincidental.
As you can tell, I am a tad hyper and I have been watching Spartacus for the last two hours, so the relief of blood, guts, and gore has made me the teeniest bit jumpy.
I must clap for Rayne at this line…
“Of course I do, Sasuke. I want to kill him with my bare hands, but it isn’t my life’s ambition.”
Standing up to Sasuke’s revenge nonsense must have been hard for her. I can’t wait to see how she deals with crap in Shippuden. Gosh, please read my original stories. I want you to know Hikari’s true side and story because her and Rayne have SO much in common!
And…this line, “Thank you, Rayne, for saving me from myself, “ is just so fucking ironic.
AND MOST OF ALL THIS…
“…and I of all people should know that Sasuke’s hormones haven’t ever interfered with his goals and ambitions.”
OMG! I laughed so hard because I stopped at the end of that sentence and reread it again before continuing. It sounds like Kakashi is calling Sasuke asexual. Which is kind of true, so I cracked up.

I had a lot to say about this chapter, aparently.

Longest review ever? Again? XD

Author's Response: Oh, no, I didn't paste that to disprove what you said. I pasted that about Rayne's hearing because you were right, I was contradicting myself. At first I said she couldn't hear well, but the second time, I said she could because of her heightened sense of hearing. You were right :)

I have the same issue right now. For my sequel story, I keep waiting for Kishimoto to GET BACK TO THE PLOT LINE so I don't write anything in, and see that it would mess with something in the future. Shit man, we've been in a loop hole of Hashirama and Madara flashbacks for six chapters now. Just get on with itttttttt ;_;

For the sealing, in my mind I was thinking along the lines of, "Rayne's been through the curse mark sealing before. She's been with Orochimaru. She's familiar with it, and Kakashi knows that she is. So, he'd let her do it, right? And then there could be an interaction between the two of them, which Kakashi would like to see." I don't know, I thought I needed to get Rayne in there some how. I couldn't just plug her in to watch Kakashi seal Sasuke's mark...or maybe I could. It's something I'd have to think about. No worries, I am super strict about straying from the plot line as well!

SERIOUSLY?! That's crazy! Aww, we could make a birthday cake for both of them and celebrate! Maybe around August I'll draw one :P Bahah. And I have started to read Hebi no Ko! I really look forward to seeing how similar our OC's are. Hell, their birthday's are already right next to each other.

The line about Rayne not wanting to make killing Orochimaru her life ambition was such a key factor for me. Rayne's supposed to be the driving force behind Sasuke giving more thought to what he wants to do with his life. Coming to know someone who also wants revenge, but is approaching it in a different way was something I thought would be interesting. I'm always happy to hear I can make you laugh. The asexual idealism is totally what I was going for! It's going to be brought up in the next chapter, actually, where Sasuke mentions restoring his clan, and Rayne asks if he realizes what he's saying xD
I enjoy long reviews. I'd rather receive a long review rather than a short one. The next chapter might be a hit or miss for you, because around the middle to the end it gets a little weary in terms of character actions.. Since you've been reading this, I've read it over myself to see what you might say about it. It's like a game to me. I also prepare myself for criticism :P


Name: Karnia (Anonymous) · Date: 16/03/13 - 10:19 am · For: Sasuke vs Yoroi
So if I am imagining correctly, the statue she is sitting on is at the other end of the room. When Sasuke and Sakura were arguing, she couldn't hear them, but when Yoroi talked, she could? I think that was at a similar distance? Or maybe I am imagining things wrong. Also, technically, Rayne talking to Yoroi was an interruption that distracted him so that Sasuke could kick him, just saying.
"But Senseiiiiiii! I want to watch the matches toooooooo!" Best line ever. I cracked up, right on the spot.
I REALLY LIKED THIS CHAPTER, despite the fact that there were some inconsistencies. I like Rayne's personality so much and I love the Chuunin exam arc, especially the preliminaries and the finals. Cannot wait for more!

Author's Response: "Although she did her best to lip read, she didn’t get much out of her effort."
Yoroi’s voice was feint, but with Rayne’s heightened sense of hearing thanks to the Raijuu, she was able to hear.

Oh, the lolz that just ensued. Yeah, that is an interruption, isn't it? Damn.. ;;;;^;;;; You like her personality? asdjkl; ehrmegerd, I have the biggest smile. If I could type a heart here without the site turning it into HTML code marks, I would. I'm happy you liked it so much (:


.....Though I have a glum feeling about your review of the next chapter >x> ...


Name: Karnia (Anonymous) · Date: 16/03/13 - 01:42 am · For: How Many Naruto's Does It Take To...?
I actually didn't hate this chapter, it didn't feel that fillerish, I just wish is wasn't as long as you made it. However, I would have liked to see some development in the chapter...Maybe some Rayne-Sasuke struggle or something? However, I am looking forwards to actual exams and Rayne's roll in them. I'm excited!

Author's Response: Good point; some struggle would have added more "oomph" to the chapter, considering it was filler.


Name: Karnia (Anonymous) · Date: 14/03/13 - 08:15 pm · For: If I Could Say What I Want to Say
To start off with a reply to your reply of my last review ( confusing much? XD)
I am not sure about what I am considered on this site? I know people like my stories from the comments I have got, but I don't know what I am seen as on here as an author; I hope my image is good. I know it’s kind of ridiculous, but I have always wanted to be one of those ‘famous’ fan-fiction writers. I think it’s kind of because I was always the shy and weird girl in high school, but when I write I come out of that shell…I never really got to experience popularity. As for my age, I will be twenty on the nineteenth of April. However, the fact that you take me reviewing your story so positively makes me think that at least you like my stories, and I am intensely grateful for that. Thanks for your reviews and the time you took to read. As for not reviewing and reading stories too often, I am extremely picky and I have to wade through so much crap, not to make myself sound all high and mighty. No offense to other writers out there, but about seventy percent of the fan fiction out there is junk, but every once in a while you find that gem of a story you really love. It takes me a bit to find one. But, when I do read stories, I do try to review. As for feeling protective over my stories, yeah, I get it. The first time I ever had someone give me serious commentary on my work, I got really angry because I felt like they were attacking me. But, I am glad you don't react that way to me. I am only trying to help because I like Rayne and in a lot of ways I see her as similar to Hikari. Hikari is my baby, one of my prides and joys as a fan-character. I know that Rayne is the same to you and I appreciate that devotion; it really shows the quality of writer you are. Hikari is like a friend to me in a lot of ways, and I get pissed off when people attack my friends. So, I totally get it.
...NOW ONTO THIS CHAPTER...
Now uh, I do have to be honest…This chapter was a hit and a huge miss for me at the same time. I liked seeing Sasuke mentally conflicted over his actions, but I am not so sure he would have brought the regret into action. However, I feel for you, I really do. It is so hard to make Sasuke make any kind of move because…he wouldn’t. So, I disliked the cheesy lines that he said, ESPECIALLY the one about ‘corrupting her face’, but the thought behind it was interesting. I may sound evil and twisted when I say this, but I like to see Sasuke be all turmoil on the inside. However, I really think you could use this whole situation to your advantage.
Sasuke hit Rayne, something very un-Sasuke-like for the time period, but it is a possibly dark foreshadowing of what he will become. You can make Rayne and Sasuke have an interesting relationship come out of the fact that she saw the darker side of him…for lack of a better term, the guardian of the defenceless child who watched his parents and family be brutally massacred, if that makes any sense. She saw Sasuke’s darker side lash out, and the fact that Sasuke knows that she can take that and still come around would make him more comfortable around her, in theory. I think he would feel like he had a connection with her, in my own humble opinion.
However, this does not mean I condone the romance so early on…if anything, this should be a gateway.

As for Kabuto, god I hate him mainly because he is Orochimaru's bitch, but you made him oh so humorous here. XD 'No one is allowed to verbally rape Sasuke, but me.'

So, did I just leave you your longest review ever?

Author's Response: A famous fan fiction writer? That doesn't sound ridiculous at all... because that's what I've always wanted to be xD Bahahah. I agree with you about a lot of fan fiction being of low quality. I really appreciate when I find an author who has taken the time to put a lot of thought behind their characters and their story. And when I say time, I also mean time in the respect of updating. I've personally tried to update every week, but sometimes, you just can't. I have to be in the mindset to write, or else what I do post will just be crap that I look back on and say, "I made people read this? This isn't my best."

ONTO THE CHAPTER REVIEW!...
Loooololol oh, the cheesiness xD I face palm at that line whenever I go over it or refer to that chapter -//shot-. I agree. Sasuke is a really interesting character to work with when it comes to inner turmoil because he's just so fucked up. Totally FUBAR.
I don't think I ever took that concept into consideration, about her being able to handle him at his worst and him acknowledging that. "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" ..This probably would have been the more desirable point in time to spark the thought of paying more attention to Rayne in Sasuke's head. I'll keep that in mind, thank you (:

I have a divine hatred for Kabuto too. Heh heh, I'm glad I can make you laugh.


Name: Karnia (Anonymous) · Date: 07/03/13 - 08:36 am · For: The Day You Slipped Away
Well, you got a part of your wish. I really did enjoy this chapter. I liked seeing Rayne stick up for Zaku because of their old friendship despite the fact that she should have really stuck up for Sasuke considering her new loyalties. I liked seeing her reflect over Orochimaru and I do hope to see more torment where that came from....it makes Rayne more human.
As for Rayne and Sasuke, I hope to see a lot of tension now. I am also very curious about her past with Itachi.
I am sorry that my reviews come across harsh, but I read this and see huge potential. I once had a lot of harsh commentary given to me about a story and it really helped, but I hope I am not coming down too hard. If you do rewrite this story, feel free to ask me in what ways you might improve it. Don't worry, I to am rewriting an old Sasuke story on here because I made these same mistakes. I am definitely far from perfect.
I look forwards to more good chapters. Besides, the fact that I am still reading is a good sign, no? If I really hated it, I wouldn't still be reading.

Author's Response: -tosses confetti- YYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!

I enjoy this chapter a lot myself. You will get a glimpse at the past between Rayne and Itachi, and right now I'm not too sure how you'll see it. I'll have to explain my approach to their relationship when you read it. Same goes for the Rayne/Orochimaru chapter. I have to say, though, I think when you read the next chapter, you're going to bring the disappointment hammer down on my head xD I'm braced for impact!

I don't know how you view your esteem as an author here on TONFA, but I take that as a high compliment. You and I are similar in a way; we're both very consumed with our stories, and we don't leave many reviews on other posts here. We're also the same age (you're probably even older than me, though I'm a year ahead of you in college - lol, elementary school cut offs), so through experience with writing, we make sure our stories and character involvement in the plot makes sense. I'm assuming you're an English person?

At first I might be defensive because I've put so much of my time into developing my story and character, as I'm sure you have. But, I don't mind the critiques. Honestly, you're one of the only people that has thoroughly critiqued my writing. I'm an artist, and I've had work I've done be picked apart all through my classes. I really don't think anything you can say about what I write will be as demeaning and make me feel as worthless as an art teacher can lol. You're the one whose experienced writing critique before; you're just passing on advice. Coming from you, I really appreciate it (:

I am really happy you see potential in my story and still enjoy it. But, like I said, I'm ready for that hammer to come down on my head sometimes! Xoxo~


Name: Karnia (Anonymous) · Date: 22/02/13 - 09:24 am · For: A Game of Cat and Mouse
I am not actually sure Orochimaru would be interested in Rayne as a host for the simple reason that she gets all her power from a demon. It's not like Sasuke, which is natural ability he can take. I am not sure how the sealing jutsu of a tailed beast would hold up while the essence of its host is being destroyed spiritually and a new consciousness is doing a hostile takeover. Just my humble opinion, really not that important, but you could have used something else to attract Orochimaru...any jutsu he doesn't have, really. I don't know, maybe I am being nit-picky? I kind of have been against Rayne as a Jinchuuriki from the beginning.
And um, Orochimaru has always creeped me out, but you brought it to a new level here. I don't know if that is good or bad. As for Orochimaru saying he would take Rayne any day over anyone else, I don't think he would. Orochimaru will always fixate on something for a time and I feel now that he is fixating on Sasuke, Rayne won't seem that tempting to him. He is obsessed with the Sharingan's powers. Now, I am obviously missing pieces of her past, but we will see if meh opinion changes when they are unveiled.

Author's Response: Yeah, your points are strong and I can agree with them... though if I agreed with them fully, my entire story would be shot and I'd have nothing xD I guess, while I am nit-pickety about my writing, there are some things I was ignorant towards and didn't really think about, just because I was so into my idea... There's always room for improvements though. Thanks for more feedback (: I have to say while I may at first be offended by the criticism (that doesn't mean stop!), I always re-read your reviews and make note of suggestions and what you point out. If I do rewrite this, it will be with the desire to have you tell me, "Good job, I really enjoyed reading your story."


Name: Karnia (Anonymous) · Date: 18/02/13 - 07:20 am · For: Special
So even Orochimaru thinks Rayne is the biggest, baddest, shit to hit the fan? I hope this will have plot signifigance because Rayne seems to be involved with all the big players. The Cloud Village, Leaf Village, and Orochimaru. I am just waiting for some obscure connect to the Sand Village.

As for your battle writing, I find you're trying to be too wordy which just leads to confusion. I find with battle writing you just need to be bold and to the point. Instead of "A sudden flash of orange wrapped itself around the man’s neck with such force that his body was ripped from the earth after his neck fell downward into the dark pits of the forest." You could have said something like, 'Rayne grabbed the extended neck in front of her and with the extreme force of the Raijuu's chakra, she ripped his body from beneath the ground's surface.'
I think it would have been less confusing than what you wrote. Like I said, clear, to the point, and bold for fighting scenes.

Author's Response: Lol, no, no connection to the Sand village. If I wanted to explain it all to you, I could, because Rayne's connections to the Leaf (for example) date back to when a ninja named Sarutobi sealed the Raijuu to it's shrine before the villages were even formed. Sarutobi > Third Hokage > Leaf village. I'm actually planning on writing all the little details of everything together, but I'm writing them for those reading the sequel since it explains everythiiiing.

For the fight scene I wanted to be as descriptive and make the chapter long. Guess I just went on a little too long :P Thanks!


Name: Karnia (Anonymous) · Date: 14/02/13 - 10:22 am · For: Don't Be A Hero
WHY ABUSE SHIKAMARU!? HE IS IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR INO'S ACTIONS RAYNE!!!
I like this chapter and the face I imagined Sasuke making when Rayne kissed him almost made me spit out the cranberry juice I am drinking. XD

Author's Response: Yay, a chapter you liked! Success! :D -throws confetti and streamers-


Name: Karnia (Anonymous) · Date: 14/02/13 - 10:11 am · For: Special Report! Live From the Forest of Death!
Interesting chapter, but it did wonders to make your OC look like a huge mary-sue. Everyone had great things to say about her, they thought she was amazing, and mysterious. I think a better approach would to have at least one person there with a 'I don't trust that out-sider' point-of-view. She comes from an village that Konoha has long hand standing hostilities against. I think this story would have been more interesting if Rayne faced a lot of Racism from citizens of the leaf and Naruto stood up for her all the time. That would have been a lot more believable.
I liked the set up for the chapter though, it was fun.

Author's Response: That's a very good point.. Honestly I really don't like this chapter at all. Personally I find it to be bland since all I did was pretty much copy an entire episode, but maybe if I had added a little more negativity when people share their thoughts about Rayne, it would be more interesting, and would actually have a point. Thanks :)


Name: Karnia (Anonymous) · Date: 13/02/13 - 02:22 pm · For: The Exam
Hmm, this chapter really didn't wow me. It was just okay. I feel like you didn't capture the suspence the show created here, which is normal because Rayne wasn't apart of the test.

There was one interaction where the Raijuu was bothering her and she demanded Ibiki to do something, that wouldn't happen. No one tells Ibiki what to do. He is Ibiki.

I look forwards to the next chapter.

Author's Response: Meh ;/ He probably would have drop kicked her instead. Lol


Name: impurity94 (Signed) · Date: 07/02/13 - 07:27 pm · For: Character Information - Rayne Sayomi
I am only on the character description and can already teel its going to be amazing!

Author's Response: I hope you enjoy it! (:


Name: Karnia (Anonymous) · Date: 25/01/13 - 08:09 am · For: Exemption
Actually, believe it or not, and I don't know why, I have always seen Shikamaru as a closet pervert. -_-

I am not sure how I feel about her being friendly with the Sound Genin...maybe it's just not my cup of tea? I don't know, I kind of think it would make her sooooo suspicious to EVERYONE. Meh.

Author's Response: ....that is possible.. and the thought of it makes me laugh xD Hah. While writing this story, I was suddenly hit with a wave of "I like Zaku's character." You'll see it in a couple of future chapters if you read on as well. I don't know why; it just happened o__o


Name: Karnia (Anonymous) · Date: 25/01/13 - 07:45 am · For: Welcome To the Freak Show
HOW IS BEING CALLED A GOOD CUSHION A COMPLIMENT!? I totally would have kicked is ass there...seriously. Again, a tad OOC in places, but nothing I couldn't ignore. I think you have a bad habit of trying to include Rayne is absolutely EVERYTHING that happens. For example, I don't think Rayne needed to get crushed on by Lee, becuase that was kind of something specific, and dare I say, 'special' that happened to Sakura. I understand how you want things to happen to Rayne too, but I think it would be better if you made someone like Neji interact with her rather than Lee. That way Sakura has her moment and Rayne can have interactions with new characters. (And I don't mean necessarily romantically when I say interact.)

Author's Response: That's a true point. I myself think that there have been times Rayne's interactions were necessary, but writing this at the time I was in the mindset of, "I need to make sure everything goes along with the original plot. She has to mix in with everything. She cannot do something that will affect the story line." That was my weakness in some chapters, as you've caught onto.


Name: Karnia (Anonymous) · Date: 22/01/13 - 06:17 pm · For: Human Mirror
I am so sorry, but I couldn't finish this chapter with the major OOCness that was Sasuke. It was too much to bear. Sasuke's barely knows Rayne, even if they were similar, he wouldn't say it that fast. I understand the rush you must have been in to make it happen though, because the events of Naruto happen in quick sucession.

Author's Response: For shits and giggles I reread this entire story today. Between multiple face palms, I've picked out what chapters you were going to dislike. When I read this one, all I thought was, "Shit...K's going to rip me one for this." :P No need to apologize.


Name: Karnia (Anonymous) · Date: 22/01/13 - 01:25 pm · For: Weeds, Garbage, and Doggies! OH MY!
To be honest, this chapter and the last two were a drag to read through; very long, very uneventful. I was kind of bored and honestly skimming through it in hopes to read more entertaining stuff in the next chapters.

Author's Response: Were they? I'm sorry to hear that. One of the downfalls of trying to stick close to the original plot was me basically trying to fit Rayne into everything that happens at the time, so I can see how it'd be a drag when we all already know what happens. Noted to spend time editing this one as well. Thanks (:


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