I don’t want to know what Tsunade has hidden in her boobs…personally. But yes, if I was Rayne, I would have wondered about that too.
Again, I am not sure about Rayne being so involved in this whole story arc. In my opinion, even if she is being protected by the Leaf and is generally believed to be a good person, this is a matter of village-security. Rayne is from the Cloud, a village with long standing hostilities against Konoha; I am just not sure if Jiraiya would want to bring and outsider on such an important mission.
However, even if she did come I think it would be important for Rayne to actually think about her place there. When Tsunade was being her rude-self in the beginning, even though Rayne was offended, is would be interesting if she made herself hold her tongue. It would have caused some intriguing story lines, especially when Naruto thought she would speak out against Tsunade. If Rayne finally did have a slip of tongue, I think in village affairs like these it would be odd if Tsunade didn’t say anything about it and telling Rayne to butt out. To be honest, what goes down with the Hokage and the Leaf village really is not Rayne’s business and I can see Tsunade, at this time period, thinking this and definitely pointing it out. Assuming that Tsunade knows who she is; she recognised her as a Bijuu and seemed to know her by name, so I can only imagine. However, Bijuu are closely guarded secrets, so I do have to wonder about Tsunade seeming to know who she is.
This sentence seems to contradict Tsunade’s earlier reaction to Rayne. “Jiraiya! Where the hell did you find this girl?!” Mostly because it seemed like Tsunade knew her from the surprise in her eyes when Jiraiya said her name. As for the technique Rayne used, I have never seen Rayne use Earth jutsu, from what I can remember, so this seems very sue-ish. You may want to consider revision. She mentions it’s popular, but the idea that a Genin knows more than one element style at such a young age comes across as a bit odd. Naruto doesn’t even learn a different element until he’s like sixteen. I could see if Rayne was actually a higher level of Kunoichi from the Kumo, but she seems to be only Genin there too. I don’t know, it just strikes me as OP, but I understand why you did it. Everyone wants their character to be badass.
I really liked what Jiraiya told Rayne about a Shinobi’s feelings being his greatest strength, because there are moments where Jiraiya is profoundly wise. I think hearing that is good for Rayne. However, I kind of wished Jiraiya would have warned Rayne about falling in love with someone like Sasuke. You know what I mean? I found it interesting how she confided in him and it must have been wonderful to get it off of her chest. BUT…how did he recognise the necklace? Did he recognise that maybe she touched if often or something? I don’t recall ever seeing anything where Jiraiya interacted with Sasuke’s mom, but you could always just say he knew her.

Author's Response: I wasn't really being that critical when I wrote this, and that wasn't something that crossed my mind. I really have nothing to say to your criticism. Not because I don't want to have a conversation about it, I'm just soaking it up and retaining what you've said, so I hope you don't think it's rude of me to not have much of a comment on it. I'm just listening and taking it in (: Again, Jiraiya magically seeing the necklace was something I asked myself about when I re-read this. I'll have to write it in when I revise xD

WHY WOULD RAYNE SAY THOSE THINGS IN FRONT OF SASUKE!? SHE COULD HAVE JUST LIED AND SAID HER FACE WAS RED FROM RUNNING. SHE COULD HAVE SAID ITACHI GRABBED HER AND MADE HER LISTEN TO HIM RAMBLE ON ABOUT ULTIMATUMS AND DUTY!!!! >.< RAYNE YOU DUMBY! NOW SASUKE IS EVEN MORE PISSED OFF.
To be honest though, Sasuke would have been more pissed off with a confession like that. It would have been interested if he just flipped the lid, or asked for his mom’s necklace back, or told her that she’s dead to him. You know what I mean? Like Sasuke isn’t even in full control of his emotions, so he would be feeling so much betrayal right now.
This scene was my favourite to write out for my story and I enjoyed it no less in yours. You did a better job characterising Itachi in this chapter than you did in the previous one and it made it a lot more enjoyable. Good job. =)
Not sure how I feel about Rayne going with Jiraiya and Naruto, mainly because for even him, protecting two Jinchuuriki would be hard. I think she would honestly be safer in the village because Itachi can’t seem to hurt her for some reason, but let’s see if you prove me wrong.

I cannot wait for you to read this scene in my chapter. :)

Author's Response: Bahah, I don't know if you've picked up on this yet, but the fact is Rayne can't bring herself to lie to Sasuke. Same goes with Orochimaru; she couldn't lie to him when she saw him again. But, she can lie to Sakura, Naruto, and even herself. You're right, Sasuke does react instantly without thinking sometimes (most of the time). Him asking for the necklace back didn't cross my mind.. Or maybe he'd just Chidori his way through the rest of the forest, hoping the falling timber would crush Rayne as she scrambled behind him.

You know, when I got to this point, I spent a lot of time thinking about where I wanted to throw Rayne. I never wanted to make my story all SasuxOC, and if Rayne stayed behind, that'd be a three month gap I'd have to fill of just her in the village with him. I didn't really think about what I could do, like having them go on missions without Naruto, because again, I didn't want there to be too much interaction between Sasuke and Rayne where they just got together too quick.. Plus, I wanted Rayne to see Orochimaru again, so I wanted her to go with Jiraiya and Naruto.

Why does Rayne know about EVERY jutsu someone uses? She’s never struck by surprise. Is there a reason she knows the sealing jutsu that bound the Kyuubi, because even Naruto doesn’t know that until much later. She seems to have too much inside knowledge, because every time someone does a jutsu she seems to know what it does.
When I began to read the flashbacks for Rayne, Kin and Zaku, I thought they would be horribly cheesy, but I actually liked them. They showed a lot of why she liked Zaku in the past and how Kin had been a really good friend of hers, something that was lacking in the earlier chapters and made her relationship with them feel kind of spontaneous. However, what I think I liked about them most is the fact that they gave her another thing to hate Orochimaru for and another reason to kill him.
Uh, this line, “Rayne grew closer to Orochimaru, who gasped in fear,” kind of bothers me. Even when Orochimaru was fighting Naruto in tailed-beast mode, he never once showed fear that I can remember. He has always been an incredibly stoic character when it came to fighting, I think up until Sasuke supresses him. I don’t know, maybe I am being nit-picky?
In the end, I liked this chapter. I really liked the end and seeing the unity of her and cell seven. I also liked the part where the village thanked her for trying to save the Hokage. It touched my heart and almost made my eyes water. I don't really cry that easy when it comes to reading, but this was close.

Author's Response: I think when I right I get too carried away because I know so much information, and I get so excited that I want to cram it all in, but it seems really out of place. And you're right, it is very strange that she'd know all the jutsu that she sees, and isn't phased by anything. Especially since she isn't even from Konoha..But she knows jutsu that they use. Mental fight with myself over this.

Were they cheesy? xD I wouldn't really know myself.. I just wrote them. I really admire the way Kishimoto doesn't reveal things in the present, and that they come along later in the story line. So, in that respect, I suppose I was trying to shadow Rayne's relationship with the Sound Trio in mystery? Especially her relationship with Zaku.. mmm, I dunno.

Again, you're right. Orochimaru really isn't ever phased, but I can tell you what I was going for. Fatal flaw, trying to make your OC badass and write canon characters OOC so readers can be in awe of the "awesome" that is your character.. :I I can say I'm glad you liked the end, because I personally thought it was the weakest part of the chapter. I noticed I have a hard time writing about people being extremely upset, and stuttering while crying and such as Rayne did here.. So I thought it was weak. I'm really happy you liked it, and I'm even happier you felt them feels, bro!!! I cried when I wrote the end, and my eyes have watered when I've re-read it.

Oh, even exchanging of gifts is significant in both of our stories. However for mine, it’s bad. Very badly significant!
So, for starters, I misread the beginning of this chapter and thought Naruto was naked when he grabbed Rayne and jumped out the window, because all I read was that he tore his pajamas off. -_-
For some reason, I am picturing the bull running and an anime-comic like Rayne holding onto its reigns with one hand while she flapped in the wind like a flag behind it. -_-
When Rayne got into the arena, I think she would have gotten into some trouble because she wasn’t a contestant and kind of disturbed everyone with Naruto. I think a good scolding could have been in order by the proctor, or someone. Maybe Sakura, because she is motherly. I could see her doing that. And does Rayne actually know Hinata? She got there after the academy and I don’t recall her ever meeting Hinata. I am sure it probably happened behind scenes somewhere, but it just feels awkward for her to grab her like that and then be all like ‘CHEER FOR NARUTO.’
Also, in my head, Kotetsu has always been the one I thought was super-hot. Lol. I have a little crush on Kotetsu, whenever I see him in the anime, I get all giddy. But, Izumo is pretty sexy too. I have always liked them both, but Kotetsu is my favourite.
Perhaps you could answer a question I have had for a while. Naruto says he has failed the graduation test multiple times. So that means he stayed behind in the academy and could not become a Genin. Does that mean that Sasuke and Sakura have also flunked the test before? I just don’t get why they graduated at the same time. It’s not like Naruto has been there longer than them…they’re all the same age and from what I can tell they all joined the academy around the same time. I don’t understand! >.< HELP! Tehe.
I have always wondered if maybe I am not understanding the structural system of the academy, or maybe if the whole thing might be a plot-hole.

Author's Response: >_> Well I thought it would be assumed that Naruto changed into his clothes, pervert ;P Bahah, I'm joking. Well, Rayne did meet Hinata during the first phase of the Chunin Exams, but she didn't really enact with her outside of that. It could have happened behind the scenes through natural occurance...but hey, Rayne gets over excited and wouldn't care to grab someone and make them do as she says. Especially since she knows Hinata has a thing for Naruto, and she likes to make people look like an ass.

YES!!!!! SOMEONE ELSE WHO THINKS THE DUO IS SEXY!!! I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE!!!!!!! xDDDD Oh Lord, I lol'd when I read what you wrote about Kotetsu. Have you seen the extra clip from one of the episodes where Kotetsu is eating syrup, and Izumo barges in? I favorited a video on Youtube that has like 3 funny scenes between the two. I'll have to show you on DeviantART is you don't know what I'm talking about.

In reference to your question, I've never put much thought into that. I can say I used to think Naruto was older than the others by at least a year because he had failed the exam, but when I saw the manga chapter with the flashback to a pregnant Kushina and Mikoto talking about new born Sasuke, I realized he wasn't. So, it could be a plot hole.. Because we do only see him take the exam once or twice? I don't really remember.. That's a good point.. NOT KNOWING THE ANSWER IS GOING TO BOTHER ME NOW, THANK YOU.

“Rayne was startled by the question. Impressed by what? His good looks? His deep eyes? His thin lips? His straight teeth? His warmth? The way he smells? The way his body fit perfectly with hers on the couch? ‘No, not really.’”
Aaaaa-mazing. I loved that because I totally saw it coming. I know Rayne! Tehe!
As for Sakura, does Rayne even feel likely bad that Sasuke totally digs her and not pinky? Like, how can she hear Sakura talk like that and not think, ‘boy, I am a terrible person.’ Like usually, at least here in Ontario, us girls don’t go after our friend’s crushes.

Just wondering, Sakura is supposed to be her friend.

Author's Response: Love that line, too. So her xD Rayne does feel bad for Sakura, and it will come up later when the shit hits the fan. Well...Rayne isn't totally going after him...he's just, ya'know, being him and stuff... Good looking, has deep eyes, thin lips, straight teeth.. xD I know what you mean. I've had this problem myself with some friends, but as my mom always tells me, eyes were made for looking!

I stand corrected about Rayne’s hearing. XD
Believe it or not, what I really like about reading these chapters is that they’re inspiring me to go back and fix the chapters for my story with Hikari in it faster. I have been taking my time, but every time I read, I wanna fix stuff up in mine because I am reminded about how much I love the Chuunin Exam arc.
As for updating on time, I use to live by a strict schedule of weekly…but then I caught up to the Manga. I am on a Hiatus right now with my actually Hikari series until the Manga gets some progress ahead of me. Once classes are done and over with, I think I am going to start up again in mid-April. I can totally see where you’re coming from about needing the right feeling to write, because boy, do I ever need to be in the right mind frame. Though something I do often is wear a hoodie when I write…I don’t know why, but the hood over my head makes me feel like all my thoughts are staying put and helps me focus.
NOW ONTO TO THE CHAPTER!
First of all, I loved this line. “After spending five days in the forest, and battling Yoroi, he was bruised, beaten, scarred, and exhausted - he looked gorgeous.”
O.o….that line, up above, is art.
And if I was Sasuke and, not just Rayne, but ANYONE was touching my hair with spit-covered fingers, someone would leave with their arm broken. Just saying.
ZOMG! YOU DID NOT JUST STEER FROM THE ORIGINAL PLOT-LINE. THAT WAS KAKASHI’S JOB FOR A REASON! Sorry to yell, but I am kind of super-duper strict about straying away from plotlines. I understand why you did it, but in reality, I highly doubt Kakashi would have trusted a sealing so important to the hands of a thirteen-year-old.
As for Sasuke crawling away from Rayne who had just ripped his shirt off, I am sure he is thinking that Kakashi teamed up with a fan-girl to lead him to a dark and far away room where no one can hear him scream when she rapes him. Just had to point that out! XD Now after sealing the mark, she is stroking his chest…this should be bringing up warning signs. She has weakened him, and he is her perfect prey. ISWEARIAMJUSTKIDDING.
I know Rayne wouldn’t do that, but the thought amuses me.
ZOMG. I am assuming that Rayne was born on the day the beast was sealed in her, so if that is the case, her birthday is August 16 and Hikari’s is August 17. O.o Awesome! But if not, Rayne’s sealing date is the day before Hikari’s birthday, which is still pretty coincidental.
As you can tell, I am a tad hyper and I have been watching Spartacus for the last two hours, so the relief of blood, guts, and gore has made me the teeniest bit jumpy.
I must clap for Rayne at this line…
“Of course I do, Sasuke. I want to kill him with my bare hands, but it isn’t my life’s ambition.”
Standing up to Sasuke’s revenge nonsense must have been hard for her. I can’t wait to see how she deals with crap in Shippuden. Gosh, please read my original stories. I want you to know Hikari’s true side and story because her and Rayne have SO much in common!
And…this line, “Thank you, Rayne, for saving me from myself, “ is just so fucking ironic.
AND MOST OF ALL THIS…
“…and I of all people should know that Sasuke’s hormones haven’t ever interfered with his goals and ambitions.”
OMG! I laughed so hard because I stopped at the end of that sentence and reread it again before continuing. It sounds like Kakashi is calling Sasuke asexual. Which is kind of true, so I cracked up.

I had a lot to say about this chapter, aparently.

Longest review ever? Again? XD

Author's Response: Oh, no, I didn't paste that to disprove what you said. I pasted that about Rayne's hearing because you were right, I was contradicting myself. At first I said she couldn't hear well, but the second time, I said she could because of her heightened sense of hearing. You were right :)

I have the same issue right now. For my sequel story, I keep waiting for Kishimoto to GET BACK TO THE PLOT LINE so I don't write anything in, and see that it would mess with something in the future. Shit man, we've been in a loop hole of Hashirama and Madara flashbacks for six chapters now. Just get on with itttttttt ;_;

For the sealing, in my mind I was thinking along the lines of, "Rayne's been through the curse mark sealing before. She's been with Orochimaru. She's familiar with it, and Kakashi knows that she is. So, he'd let her do it, right? And then there could be an interaction between the two of them, which Kakashi would like to see." I don't know, I thought I needed to get Rayne in there some how. I couldn't just plug her in to watch Kakashi seal Sasuke's mark...or maybe I could. It's something I'd have to think about. No worries, I am super strict about straying from the plot line as well!

SERIOUSLY?! That's crazy! Aww, we could make a birthday cake for both of them and celebrate! Maybe around August I'll draw one :P Bahah. And I have started to read Hebi no Ko! I really look forward to seeing how similar our OC's are. Hell, their birthday's are already right next to each other.

The line about Rayne not wanting to make killing Orochimaru her life ambition was such a key factor for me. Rayne's supposed to be the driving force behind Sasuke giving more thought to what he wants to do with his life. Coming to know someone who also wants revenge, but is approaching it in a different way was something I thought would be interesting. I'm always happy to hear I can make you laugh. The asexual idealism is totally what I was going for! It's going to be brought up in the next chapter, actually, where Sasuke mentions restoring his clan, and Rayne asks if he realizes what he's saying xD
I enjoy long reviews. I'd rather receive a long review rather than a short one. The next chapter might be a hit or miss for you, because around the middle to the end it gets a little weary in terms of character actions.. Since you've been reading this, I've read it over myself to see what you might say about it. It's like a game to me. I also prepare myself for criticism :P

I actually didn't hate this chapter, it didn't feel that fillerish, I just wish is wasn't as long as you made it. However, I would have liked to see some development in the chapter...Maybe some Rayne-Sasuke struggle or something? However, I am looking forwards to actual exams and Rayne's roll in them. I'm excited!

Author's Response: Good point; some struggle would have added more "oomph" to the chapter, considering it was filler.

Well, you got a part of your wish. I really did enjoy this chapter. I liked seeing Rayne stick up for Zaku because of their old friendship despite the fact that she should have really stuck up for Sasuke considering her new loyalties. I liked seeing her reflect over Orochimaru and I do hope to see more torment where that came from....it makes Rayne more human.
As for Rayne and Sasuke, I hope to see a lot of tension now. I am also very curious about her past with Itachi.
I am sorry that my reviews come across harsh, but I read this and see huge potential. I once had a lot of harsh commentary given to me about a story and it really helped, but I hope I am not coming down too hard. If you do rewrite this story, feel free to ask me in what ways you might improve it. Don't worry, I to am rewriting an old Sasuke story on here because I made these same mistakes. I am definitely far from perfect.
I look forwards to more good chapters. Besides, the fact that I am still reading is a good sign, no? If I really hated it, I wouldn't still be reading.

Author's Response: -tosses confetti- YYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!

I enjoy this chapter a lot myself. You will get a glimpse at the past between Rayne and Itachi, and right now I'm not too sure how you'll see it. I'll have to explain my approach to their relationship when you read it. Same goes for the Rayne/Orochimaru chapter. I have to say, though, I think when you read the next chapter, you're going to bring the disappointment hammer down on my head xD I'm braced for impact!

I don't know how you view your esteem as an author here on TONFA, but I take that as a high compliment. You and I are similar in a way; we're both very consumed with our stories, and we don't leave many reviews on other posts here. We're also the same age (you're probably even older than me, though I'm a year ahead of you in college - lol, elementary school cut offs), so through experience with writing, we make sure our stories and character involvement in the plot makes sense. I'm assuming you're an English person?

At first I might be defensive because I've put so much of my time into developing my story and character, as I'm sure you have. But, I don't mind the critiques. Honestly, you're one of the only people that has thoroughly critiqued my writing. I'm an artist, and I've had work I've done be picked apart all through my classes. I really don't think anything you can say about what I write will be as demeaning and make me feel as worthless as an art teacher can lol. You're the one whose experienced writing critique before; you're just passing on advice. Coming from you, I really appreciate it (:

I am really happy you see potential in my story and still enjoy it. But, like I said, I'm ready for that hammer to come down on my head sometimes! Xoxo~

So even Orochimaru thinks Rayne is the biggest, baddest, shit to hit the fan? I hope this will have plot signifigance because Rayne seems to be involved with all the big players. The Cloud Village, Leaf Village, and Orochimaru. I am just waiting for some obscure connect to the Sand Village.

As for your battle writing, I find you're trying to be too wordy which just leads to confusion. I find with battle writing you just need to be bold and to the point. Instead of "A sudden flash of orange wrapped itself around the man’s neck with such force that his body was ripped from the earth after his neck fell downward into the dark pits of the forest." You could have said something like, 'Rayne grabbed the extended neck in front of her and with the extreme force of the Raijuu's chakra, she ripped his body from beneath the ground's surface.'
I think it would have been less confusing than what you wrote. Like I said, clear, to the point, and bold for fighting scenes.

Author's Response: Lol, no, no connection to the Sand village. If I wanted to explain it all to you, I could, because Rayne's connections to the Leaf (for example) date back to when a ninja named Sarutobi sealed the Raijuu to it's shrine before the villages were even formed. Sarutobi > Third Hokage > Leaf village. I'm actually planning on writing all the little details of everything together, but I'm writing them for those reading the sequel since it explains everythiiiing.

For the fight scene I wanted to be as descriptive and make the chapter long. Guess I just went on a little too long :P Thanks!

Interesting chapter, but it did wonders to make your OC look like a huge mary-sue. Everyone had great things to say about her, they thought she was amazing, and mysterious. I think a better approach would to have at least one person there with a 'I don't trust that out-sider' point-of-view. She comes from an village that Konoha has long hand standing hostilities against. I think this story would have been more interesting if Rayne faced a lot of Racism from citizens of the leaf and Naruto stood up for her all the time. That would have been a lot more believable.
I liked the set up for the chapter though, it was fun.

Author's Response: That's a very good point.. Honestly I really don't like this chapter at all. Personally I find it to be bland since all I did was pretty much copy an entire episode, but maybe if I had added a little more negativity when people share their thoughts about Rayne, it would be more interesting, and would actually have a point. Thanks :)

I am only on the character description and can already teel its going to be amazing!

Author's Response: I hope you enjoy it! (:

HOW IS BEING CALLED A GOOD CUSHION A COMPLIMENT!? I totally would have kicked is ass there...seriously. Again, a tad OOC in places, but nothing I couldn't ignore. I think you have a bad habit of trying to include Rayne is absolutely EVERYTHING that happens. For example, I don't think Rayne needed to get crushed on by Lee, becuase that was kind of something specific, and dare I say, 'special' that happened to Sakura. I understand how you want things to happen to Rayne too, but I think it would be better if you made someone like Neji interact with her rather than Lee. That way Sakura has her moment and Rayne can have interactions with new characters. (And I don't mean necessarily romantically when I say interact.)

Author's Response: That's a true point. I myself think that there have been times Rayne's interactions were necessary, but writing this at the time I was in the mindset of, "I need to make sure everything goes along with the original plot. She has to mix in with everything. She cannot do something that will affect the story line." That was my weakness in some chapters, as you've caught onto.

To be honest, this chapter and the last two were a drag to read through; very long, very uneventful. I was kind of bored and honestly skimming through it in hopes to read more entertaining stuff in the next chapters.

Author's Response: Were they? I'm sorry to hear that. One of the downfalls of trying to stick close to the original plot was me basically trying to fit Rayne into everything that happens at the time, so I can see how it'd be a drag when we all already know what happens. Noted to spend time editing this one as well. Thanks (: