Wow, that is a lovely piece, very poetic with nice imagery. There's some OOC. Not so much Neji being in love with an OC, I adore OC's, but more phrasing and context, such as the reference to Mickey Mouse. I can't imagine Neji saying 'manly issues', or 'scared shitless' ever. Another crit would be formatting. I don't know if it's the archives or something, but having huge chunks both bolded and italics made it difficult to read. I almost didn't so you might lose so readers over that. Lyrics are commonly italics, so keep that so we know the format.

The passion of the chapter really picks up, such as the attack of your OC, his divided emotions come true. It really could have impact if you could have drawn that little bit out, dwelling on it and building up the intensity to really give that emotional ooph, have our hearts in our throats. And delicious resolution.

Author's Response: Whoa, my head hurts... um, about the italics, it won't just italicize one part, it italicizes the whole thing. Sorry about that. Yeah, I did admit that some of the stuff is OOC.